honestly what the fuck

Dan, 20, he/him Just ask and I'll tag triggers

[jaidefinichonv2]

[gaxhar]

Imagine doing this in front of a 14th century peasant

[freakazxid]

this is literally the funniest comment this video could have

[totallycorrecttwilight]

Bella: Thanks to Emmett, Renesmee has recently taken up cursing.

Bella: Yesterday, she referred to bedtime as a “fucking crisis.”

[cullenedward]

wtf is that? it that a baby porcelain doll? just chilling in the windowsill? who’s is it? esme’s? alice’s? rosalie’s? emmett’s? it is emmett’s isn’t it

[secifosseluce]

as much as the concept of Jesus being a fairly normal lad has its charms, im personally very intrigued by the idea of him being just… extremely weird. not even in a mystical sense, just…….staggeringly BIZZARRE. 

you go to the well to get some water, and here’s Miriam’s boy, staring at the sky, completely still. his expression is unreadable. you hazard a hello and ask how he’s doing, and he slowly, unblinkingly, lowers his gaze on you (he’s 8 and is missing his frontal teeth, not that this is making you any less uncomfortable) and says “I cannot speak of the state of my being, Nathan son of Saul, my brother, but rejoice for the water you shall take today will be as pure as the soul of the children of Heaven”

…you start sweating

[secifosseluce]

normal person in 1st century Nazareth: making my way downtown, walking fast

*sees J boy, 8 yo, staring at you from across the street*

normal person: walking faster 

[secifosseluce]

even funnier, the only person 100% on board with his Prophetic Kid Talk is his mother Miriam, an otherwise placid, absolutely normal woman around 25 or so

kid JC, coming home at twilight, a single white dove following him and chirping with weirdly human-like precision:

 moth̫́er,̦͌ ̮̉i h͙̉av͔̽e ͓͗b̘̃r̞̓o̮͘u̲̒gh̟͒t̺́ you a do̗͐ṽ͙e̢͘ ͈̾m͒͢a͈̽dē̝ ỏ̘f ͈̓c̆͜l͔̂aỷ͇ aṋ̑d̳̿ g͢͞i̹̾fted̖͡ ̻͐it ͓͂w̖̿it̎͜h t̥̃h͙͒e ̨̒m̧̂i̡̍ŗ͒â̫cḷ̔è̤ ̛̻of̞̅ l̘̈i̛̦fè̳

Miriam: ! that’s my little boy :) now let’s go get ready for dinner :) 

her husband Yosef, a carpenter who only marginally got signed up for this: 

[megapope-deactivated20220531]

but it only works if 4 people are having sex lol

[koobaxion-deactivated20220403]

how many hands you got

[megapope-deactivated20220531]

two? don’t see how that’s relevant

[koobaxion-deactivated20220403]

allow me illustrate you

[megapope-deactivated20220531]

that’s still four people

[koobaxion-deactivated20220403]

i truly can’t make this any clearer

[megapope-deactivated20220531]

will smith isn’t gay. he has a wife and three beautiful, talented children

[koobaxion-deactivated20220403]

don’t know what you’re on about. will smith and slightly wider blue will smith have been married for years. they’re a hollywood love story

[naomster]

I can’t believe this post predicted the live action Aladdin genie

[nodaybuttodaytodefygravity]

If we lose tumblr how will we ever replace these posts in which every reply feels like a punch in the face

[pirategf]

aziraphale: the wiles of the demon Crowley

crowley: i'm bringing you CHOCOLATES, angel, it's a gift :(

[jasper-rolls]

oh my god that noise??????

[ruby-white-rabbit]

The way she loses it too is proof she didn’t anticipate exactly what she would sound like.

[delmondo]

what if we pissed in the toilet

[sketchdeath]

me to everyone in the mens bathroom

[bowlingshirtbellas]

I saw that I tweeted this 4 years ago and it’s such a good take

[bellaauroraswan]

I’m crying, Rosalie canonically said she loves Edward

[maryaliceswan]

charlie, trying to be supportive: so bella do you have a girlfriend?

bella, caught off guard: *flashes peace sign*

charlie, completely misunderstanding: TWO GIRLFRIENDS?

[twilightisgaynow]

[useless-irelandfacts]

who wore it better: irishman accidentally protesting  against heterosexual marriages vs Donald Trump seemingly opposing childbirth

[cannibalchicken]

[kermitlesbian]

[cullenfucked]

ok but imagine watching bella and edward’s relationship from the outside like. ok this new girl moves to school and she starts dating that really weird guy from that really weird family for like. 6 months. and then he leaves her and shes like. really depressed for 6 months. then he comes back and like 6 months later youre invited to their wedding??????? i would be like bitch what the fuck

[twodotsknowwhy]

And then they go on their honeymoon only to have him come back and be like “oh yeah, she’s dead now, so sad”

[scorpio-karma]

That sounds like an episode of one of those “True Crime” shows where they know he murdered her but never had the evidence to prove it.

[the-jackals]

[the-djinn-inside]

someone help him.

[thebibliosphere]

Anthony J-key-smash Crowley everybody.

[gemstar42]

[bold-sartorial-statement]

The J stands for jgdssvadfg