My experience as a genderfluid/agender transfemasc intersex person is that I’ve never really been ‘allowed’ a gender, and that it is impossible for me to make the ‘correct’ choice regarding gender.
As a kid I managed to dodge surgery but was aware that I ‘should’ feel ashamed for my variation. I never liked being naked around people who weren’t my parents. I didn’t feel very comfortable around boys or girls when gender was involved, while also feeling very comfortable around both when I was able to forget about it.
As I teen I was too ‘masculine,’ I needed to ‘act more feminine,’ my shoulders were wide and ‘ugly,’ my jaw was prominent and square, I should really have been taking better care of the hair on my face (that being a few dark hairs in between my eyebrows and on my chin), I was ‘too strong.’ Of course I wasn’t a real girl.
I’m a man right now, and it’s reversed: my ribcage and waist are ‘too’ small, I’m ‘too’ short (note that I’m right between the average heights for men and women in my country), I’m ‘too delicate’ to be a real man.
Too delicate to be a real man, too strong to be a real girl.
I’ve been nonbinary, too. Wasn’t allowed that, either. There’s only two genders, you have to pick, one person says I’m obviously a girl another says I’m obviously a guy. Both say that I just need to decide.
I’m not even allowed to be agender because I’m ‘too’ gendered. I have body hair and thick thighs.
This is why I’m genderfuck, why I have embraced being transfemasc, and why I absolutely reject AGAB labels.
And I dunno, but people who try to force me into any one box because someone ‘can’t’ be transfemasc or ‘everyone has an AGAB’ never seem to be all that different than the people who tell me I can’t be a woman or I can’t be a man.
