broken

roman || 19 he/him trauma sideblog icon drawn by me

[leafsea]

simulation // 6.8.2019

[traumaticfox]

So Amy had her followers attack me after our breakup. I had to move accounts as shit.

I’ve been checking her Twitter and Tumblr daily since then because I’m terrified she’ll find my new accounts and send her people to attack me again, and I won’t know until it’s too late.

She just put her Twitter on private.

It’s bad enough her Instagram is on private. And now her Twitter is too.

And I’m having a panic attack over it.

[traumadoq]

[anximity]

Cutting off a long-term abuser is the wildest thing because some days you don’t want anything to do with them and you wish you had never met them and other days you miss them in the way you miss an old best friend and you hope they’re doing well. Plus the whole time deep down you know you just hope they’re becoming a better person so that they never treat another person the way they treated you.

[depressedanxietydeath]

While you live your life, acting like nothing happened. I’m breaking and falling apart. And when I finally tell the ones i trust why I break, that i break because of you. They look at me as if i’m the crazy one. As if i’m making everything up. As if i’m the toxic one. Somehow people believe you, because you keep acting like you are perfect. While they start telling me i’m the problem only because I can’t keep living like nothing happened. 

[closet-keys]

I hate Freud. His whole weird theory about penis envy and children being sexually attracted to their parents and secret desires and all that shit actually came straight out of an attempt to ally himself with wealthy and influential rapists and was a direct form of victim blaming.

He had started the research looking into “hysteria” which at the time was really usually referring to women’s symptoms of PTSD. It turned out that the reason so many woman had these symptoms is because so many of them had experienced sexual violence– especially CSA and incest at the hands of their fathers. 

At first he was making real progress, and it was through working with these women that he discovered that talk therapy could be used to treat trauma. The symptoms of PTSD were lessened when women were able to safely speak about their experiences out loud and be believed. 

But it wasn’t the women who paid for the therapy. It was their fathers, husbands, the same men who were perpetuating the violence in the first place. And Freud didn’t want to validate his patients (the women) if it meant making his clients (the men) unhappy.

So he came up with a new idea. These symptoms weren’t from trauma. The memories weren’t real. These women were just sexual beings as children and had penis envy and it made them lust for their fathers and fantasize about the rape that they had reported to him. That’s where the shittiest parts of Freud’s theories emerged. Another part of it besides just the monetary aspect, though, was that there was a feminist movement on the fringes starting up at the time and by publishing work about women’s CSA he would be aligning himself with it and therefore losing support, respect, funding, prestige from his male peers and from the psychological community at large. He literally made that gross victim blaming shit up to keep his own reputation with these fucks and to make sure he still got publication and fame.

By coming up with fake theory about little girls fantasizing about incest he not only fucked over generations of women, the feminist movement that was arising, and the entire psychology field for years to come, but he also completely swept away any progress made in understanding trauma and so we didn’t have any clue why men coming back from war had “hysteria” like women during WWI.

And our research on PTSD and trauma is still lacking to this day, especially because of the stigma that maybe traumatized people deserved it or wanted it or imagined it. People don’t want to believe it’s real. Perpetrators of traumatic violence want everyone to forget about it, not acknowledge it, or trivialize it.

And they have Freud’s cultural legacy to help them.

[vetivervelvetviolet]

Can you provide academic citations for this? This is really neat.

[disease-danger-darkness-silence]

http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0959353596062015

http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0959353596062015

If you don’t have access bc paywall, here’s a decent summary on Wikipedia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Freudian_Coverup

Some vague proof:’

http://www.nytimes.com/1984/01/24/science/freud-secret-documents-reveal-years-of-strife.html?pagewanted=all&mcubz=0

An essay on the topic:

http://socialistreview.org.uk/404/whats-wrong-sigmund-freud

If you want some more, just google, “Sigmund Freud Seduction Theory Problematic.” There’s lots of academic and non-academic discussion on the topic, but TLDR Sigmund Freud is basically disregarded in almost all aspects of psychology by anyone who actually cares about their patients, so fuck that guy for holding psychology back.

[thewesterwoman]

Words cannot express how much I hate Freud. His theories have been entirely disproven by current psychological research, but using him to interpret literary texts is still a widely accepted technique in the field of literary study today.

English departments across the country will not bat an eye at tenured professors bringing Freud into lectures and citing him in scholarly articles and books. Doing a “Freudian reading” of a literary character or theme is regarded as a valid means of understanding and drawing meaning from works by authors as diverse as William Shakespeare, James Joyce, and C.S. Lewis. And it is based entirely on this guy’s unbelievably sexist, flat-out fraudulent, and thoroughly disproven research. It’s insane.

[traumaticfox]

Sometimes I think about my past mistakes, and I think a giant one is dating a lesbian and expecting her to actually love me.

Note, this isn’t to say anything bad about lesbians. This is to say something bad about me, a transmasculine person who thought dating a transphobic lesbian was an okay choice on my part.

Look, if any transmasculine person—be you a boy or nonbinary—is reading this, I beg of you to not go down this whole. You’re not the exception; she just sees you as a girl. Stay safe.

[ulibeanzz]

when the months keep passing by even though you’re not in the head space to emotionally process them and you realize it is impossible to escape the passage of time

[borderlinebadger]

“Well it made you a stronger pers-”

HEY DID YOU KNOW PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TO ENDURE TRAUMA TO BE STRONG

“Well, at least it taught you to show kindn-”

HEY DID YOU KNOW PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TO ENDURE TRAUMA TO SHOW KINDNESS

“Well, at least it made you into who you are toda-”

I’M PRETTY SURE MY TRAUMA ISN’T WHAT MADE ME LOVE BASEBALL, KAREN

[dog-teeth]

dog teeth #207

[criminalizes]

you know what? im gunna say it

my trauma didnt make me a better or stronger person and i shouldnt have to act like it did to be taken seriously

[omghotmemes]

so that was a fucking lie

[refiningfire]

[traumaticfox]

A year ago today, I told Amy she’d been hurting me a lot lately. I told her she’d made me feel like I wasnt good enough for her. I said that it felt like she didn’t want me around anymore. I felt like I wasn’t even worth it.

And she responded by shutting me out and publicly slandering me.

So here we go, Amy. All the changes that’s happened to me since you burned that bridge.

I’m happier to start. Talking to you was dreading broken glass while drugged. One wrong move, and I’d sever a vein. Not that I’d find out until later how much it hurts... But my paths are glass-free now.

I’m dating someone new. Someone better. He makes me feel like I’m worth it. He tells me when I do something wrong, and he actually wants to talk about issues instead of pushing them aside and hurting me over shit I didn’t know I did wrong. We’re even living together, and there is no feeling like I’m not enough for him. I know I am enough. I used to say I’d die for you, but I’d live for him.

Maffy died. He helped me so much with learning to move on. He believed me over you. He tried so hard to make me feel like I could get on without you. And I mean... I have moved on the most a traumatized person could. Everything in my progress, I owe to him.

The legal name change went through. It’s almost like I’m a new person. Someone clean from you. You’ll never get to share in the joy I got when it went through. All my friends got that joy, and you’ll never even know.

I’m better off. It took a long time to realize how much you fucked me up, but I’m happier. I’m free.

[traumaticfox]

Really concerned and a little scared about how she knows about him. Like we started dating after we parted ways? How does she know? How long has she known? How long has she been watching me? Did she find the new blog? Did someone tell her? What if she tries to contact him?

God, I’m so tired of living in fear of her.....

[traumaticfox]

Amy made a post about all the people she’s cut off. And I was second on the list of six, which means - assuming it’s in order - she’s cut off five “toxic” friends in 11 months.

Also she claimed she hasn’t cut off many people, but I know of two people personally - as in I was/am still friends with them - who weren’t on that list that were cut off in 2015 and 2016 (2017?). That brings it to 8. Who knows who else??

So uh

The news is that if some rubs you the wrong way and you’re sick of being told you’re hurting someone, clearly they’re cruel, toxic beings who deserve to be cut off and publicly slandered!!

[nshadfw]

Me @ all my emotional abusers