I thought...I thought we weren't acting like this anymore. But he's going out of town, leaving me with the kids, and we got into a fight. He wanted to fight. And I took the bait. I took the fucking bait like an idiot. Making me feel like I'm the bad guy for expressing a need and a want. We are back to this. And I am deeply disappointed.
I was hopeful in us. I really was. I thought we were communicating better and getting through hard moments. And now I felt like I did 6 months ago. Shamed for feeling a certain way, berated for having needs and feelings, and back to the feeling that I need to leave. Almost a year in therapy, and I am seeing that how he treated me was not okay and that it is toxic and I am better than that. I have needs and that doesn't make me selfish. He has needs and that doesn't make him selfish. But not communicating them to me and expecting me to know - that is selfish. He's turned back into a monster since working. Not even a month back. He's not engaged with us - the boys especially. Instead mocking me about checking on our child, who cannot stop getting sick.
I didn't say what happened but I finally admitted that I don't drink because of a traumatic event. I don't drink because he beat me senseless when the last time we got shitfaced drunk. The door is broken from when he bruised my knees so badly that it still hurts to cross them to put socks on. My brain, my train of thought hasn't been the same since. I haven't been okay since that night. He thought it was a fight between himself and his six year old son. No. It broke because he beat me a year and a half ago. Because that's when I stopped trusting him. In my most vulnerable state - he went after me. I wasn't safe. I will never be safe with him.
He yells at me and blames me for not trusting him. For holding him back. I've taken it and taken it and held in the reaction to run for years and years, but it's my fault right? I make him react this way. I control him. I am always pissed off about something. He's tired of this. He's so fucking tired of this. I mistreat him. Yeah. Sure.
He's pulled a gun on me. Holding our oldest son. He shut me out, gaslit me, made me feel crazy. Want to know the real reason I won't have another child? He has physically hurt me every. single. pregnancy. My firstborn is anxious and afraid because of the abuse when I was pregnant with him. Our middle child, dead, - he slammed my head into a wall and pushed me down. Our youngest - he choked me, slammed me into a wall. My oldest has admitted that Daddy isnt nice to Mommy sometimes. I can't go through a pregnancy and postpartum again.
If I am vulnerable - I am in danger.
He's sorry now. But when will it happen again? It's a matter of time. Time is ticking.
I don't need to go every Saturday. We don't need to be together all the time? You got your wish. I'll take the boys home and build a family with them. They'll remember me doing that when they're older. They will remember all these things. I'll put up my space. That dream is dead. He killed that tonight and showed me I need to save everything for myself and the boys. I'm strong, I'm healthy, and I am not perfect, but none of us are and that's okay.
