unfortunately i could never be nonchalant because i am not well in the head and also my soul is on fire
When I was a senior, my eldest brother picked my sister and me up from our high school.
He was at that time in his life, so many things: unemployed, at odds with our family concerning his mental health, and super into subjects that would lose my sister and I.
In that car ride home: he was mine and my sister's punching bag. What we were punching down on in that specific instance was his inability to make sense. How he'd lost us. And how, just there, he'd done so again.
I saw myself for so long as the mediator between everyone in my immediate family. I entertained roles thrust upon me where I, as a teenager, would play therapist to my parents, and play parent to my siblings. I wasn't just a mediator, I was THE MEDIATOR.
And as the mediator, I existed above my siblings on the food chain. Even if they were older than me. So, in that car, as he was giving us a ride home from school, as my sister and I pointed out my brother's shortcomings as they arrived, I'd on occasion check my sister. Let her know that she'd gone too far. That there was a line, and we shouldn't cross it. But only I knew where the line was. Only I had earned a blind eye.
So I pelted on my brother, as I was qualified to be the one explaining what was SO crystal clear. I was pressuring some growth that I knew apparently so much about. Trying. And in my mind succeeding.
When he cried out "MY SOUL IS ON FIRE."
And that shut everyone up, for almost a decade.
...
Now my brother is a pilot. And he was before too. We just didn't listen.
Now my soul is on fire. And it likely was before too. But didn't have permission.
And in our talks since, what's clear is we burn warmer together.
...
Thank you to whoever posted this. You reminded me to appreciate those in-between years. The hard times after a wake up call before you're full awake. The years spent stoking.
