Swing Life Away

I don't know what I'm doing here but hopefully I'll figure it out one day

[wyrmicelli]

me tongue-deep in a sandalwood candle: 🤤

the tjmaxx employee loading a fourth tranquilizer dart into their blowgun: i need backup

[snowown]

[finrays]

Thinking about it, I’m pretty sure my ancestors would be horrified with me.

Not because I’m lazy or unworthy or anything like that…

…but because one of my distant uncles was among the eight survivors of the Essex, the ship that inspired the ending of Moby Dick and sank after being rammed by a whale, and what do I fuckin do after my bloodline has this Ordeal at Sea?

I get a fuckin degree in Marine Science and go back the fuck out there.

[retroactivebakeries]

#op its your job to kill that whale

[gaygalaxys]

[loveridden1999]

if i was a soccer player i'd simply kick that ball in the goal instead of wasting everyone's time

[json-derulo]

the past three weeks in a row, partner has gone to chipotle and been served by the same employee who, in bold defiance of the testimony of his own eyes and ears, ardently refuses to believe carnitas exist

[json-derulo]

partner: “Hi, could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and carnitas?”

employee (completely blank expression): “No.”

partner (autistic) (socialscript.exe encountered an unhandled exception) : “…Uh. Um. Sorry?”

employee: “We don’t have that.”

partner (wondering if perhaps he put too much of the authentic accent on the word and that’s what’s throwing the guy): “You don’t have…(pronouncing it whiter) carnitas?”

employee (face still unreadable): “No.”

partner (looking at the near-full hotel pan of perfectly normal carnitas in its usual place on the other side of the glass) (noticing this employee looks unfamiliar) (maybe he’s a new guy that just started five minutes ago with no training?) : “The…pork?” (pointing at it)

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (beginning to wonder if he’s the one that’s losing it) (desperately looks to the menu on the wall behind the employee) (the menu lists carnitas as a protein option) (the word “carnitas” is not crossed out or taped over or otherwise adulterated) (carnitas have been on the standard menu since at least 2016) : “Okay. Um. Are you…sure?”

other employee working the toppings part of the line (familiar) (have seen her before) (she has cool earrings): *gives the new guy a strange look, nudges him aside, and scoops the carnitas onto partner’s bowl before continuing with the other toppings*

Repeat conversation again the next week. And the next. Same guy. If it’s a bit, no one is laughing, including the employee.

[json-derulo]

theories I’ve considered:

- the employee keeps very strictly kosher/halal/vegan and refuses to handle pork (understandable, I respect that, but if you’re gonna work at a place that serves pork I do kinda feel like when someone orders it you’ve just gotta tap in a coworker to do it for you)

- someone did something gross to the carnitas and the employee is trying to warn people not to order it (??? throw it out then? also, three weeks in a row???)

- the employee is a space alien who views humans as so similar to pigs that for us to eat them is tantamount to cannibalism

[json-derulo]

- the employee is the lead in a kdrama romance about a pampered, clueless chaebol heir who is sent by his father to work in the company’s restaurants for a year in order to prove he’s ready to take over as CEO. he’s dumb as rocks but they can’t fire him or even correct him that harshly due to the power gradient. partner is just a minor reoccurring character, and the interaction is kept the same from week to week to highlight the development of the relationship between the employee and his love interest with the cool earrings (even if the restaurant is literally a fully-branded Chipotle, that’s somehow still not enough product placement for me to believe this is a real kdrama)

[json-derulo]

After reviewing again with partner, evidently I forgot a detail that set this week’s carnitas denial dance apart from the others.

partner (well aware of what he’s getting into with this guy now): “Hi. Could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and pork?”

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (demonstrating a level of patience only a public school teacher could have): *points at the pan of carnitas* “Could I please just have some of that?”

employee (after several slow, confused blinks): *points at the same pan* “That’s steak.”

partner (looking at the hotel pan they’re both pointing at) (it is filled with shredded meat of a pale beige color) (at the other end of the row of pans is another pan containing dark brown, lightly charred meat chopped into small pieces): “Okay.” *deciding he’s willing to play in this fantasy space if it gets the job done, he points at the first pan again* Then could I please have the steak?”

employee: *starts to reach for the pan at the other end containing the actual steak*

partner: "Oh—no, sorry, this one please?" *points at the first pan containing the carnitas*

employee: *blinks, then just walks away and starts helping the next customer in line, leaving partner's bowl unfinished*

other employee with cool earrings: *rolls her eyes at new employee, takes partner’s bowl, and fills it with carnitas herself*

new theories:

- the employee is a bridge troll who will only dole out his delectable carnitas to those who prove themselves worthy by correctly answering his riddles three

- the employee is stoned out of his mind at all times on a specific strain of weed that totally erases the concept of pork from his memory and awareness

[a-brokenteenpoet]

it's crazy to me that your partner keeps going to the same Chipotle after all this, I fear I'd have to just leave a 2 star review on google maps, then cut my losses and never return

[memorycycle]

do you think when they release the anchor it bonks a fish on the head sometimes . sorry thats probably sad to think about. maybe jf we imagine the funny coconut bonk sound and the fish is only a little annoyed. lets keep it PG no blood. they have a date at the anemone fields tomorrow it wouldnt be fair. oh fuck a second anchor

[lactating]

the classic roll onto side and sleep for two more hours trick - ill try it now!

[lactating]

i wake up and ten thousand years have passed. i dreamt of watching a light rain fall onto a stormy sea. theres nothing left of anything.

[vetchtibbles]

james and the giant pronoun

[whereifindsanity]

flickr.com

Kim Peterson

[lamusebrune]

I cannot stress enough how important it is to do silly, frivolous things that serve no other purpose than making you happy.

[memequeen-official]

[difty-dift]

[genericalosers]

[lizbukchoy]

[sophisticatedoyster]

[wizard-of-interesting-failure]

[watercolormagicalgirl]

[uhuh100]

up next, the triangle.

we know what hole that goes in, right?

[uhuh100]

that's right, the square hole!

[letssnowstreamwings]

tumblr-style performance art

[mrtreesnek]

@aerosour saw chicago and blacked out had to tag you

[angeltiddies]

reverse gaslighting where i pretend to know exactly what you are talking about

[oneheadtoanother]

[visenyaism]

Had to ban the phrase “tricky dick” from my classroom during watergate lesson because saying the word dick in front of 30 fifteen year olds is like lighting a bomb and throwing it through the doorway but now they’re just calling him Richard the Treacherous like they’re all medieval peasants. gonna lose it

[rockergiirl]

*getting a tarot reading* the tower, a-another tower, and... a plane

[serenadeformice-deactivated2025]

Girl who is about to tell you the saddest fucking thing you've ever heard in your life: Okay so funny story actually, when I was a kid-

[thewickedavatar]

the casual ironic homoeroticism of cis dude gamers is awkward and i’m still unsure why they do it 

[istillfuckwithdemilovato-deacti]

In ancient Sparta they used to promote homoromantic relationships within the barracks because it was believed you would fight better if you were fighting for your boyfriend next to you

[thewickedavatar]

is this why dudes at the grandmaster rank on overwatch talk about blowing each other

[istillfuckwithdemilovato-deacti]

You will never understand a warrior’s bond

[orteil42]

i love when i “make a mental note” of something. it’s gone within 20 seconds

[pointnclick]

When someone tells me I look tired I don't get offended I'm like thank you for noticing my anguish

[spiderfuckersworld]

#myanguish