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How to deal with longer periods of isolation

I decided to be more proactive in solving these issues of mine so instead of just posting reflections, I thought that maybe I should post helpful stuff here as well. I stumbled upon this thread on reddit and I’ll put here stuff that maybe helpful (emphasis on some stuff mine).

notsofasthun

Go online and talk to people on the internet

Engage in a meaningful expressive practice, some form of art, like painting, drawing, colouring, poetry, writing, journaling, making music, singing

meditate, look up meditations on the internet and find a nice place in your living space and put on some calming music and try to meditate

Clean the house top to bottom can be extremely therepeutic

Binge netflix shows

Cocoon yourself in blankets in bed and cry if you have to and let out all the emotions

Go explore bookstores or the mall by yourself

Go for walks through forests or parks or trails

Shower or take a bubble bath

Put on music and read stuff that interests you on the internet

Read a good book

bluerabbitsmoon

listen to music that you really love

read a new book or listen to audio books

work on procrastinated to do list items (but baby steps so you don’t get frustrated)

Force yourself outside on a walk. It’s amazing how even though I really really don’t feel like it, I’ll come back feeling glad I did.

do a project you always put off because there isn’t time. I’ve been writing poetry. -listen to YouTube videos on meditation or other things in life you’d like to have a better grip on. Any question you have about life, there’s a video for it! It feels nice hearing people speak about personal wins and losses that you can learn from/ relate to.

find a comedy show to get lost in, especially if you’re mopey.

record voice memos or write letters to people you care about or need to release something to. You don’t have to send it. Sometimes it’s just nice to let things out.

sit back and think how this time is actually a huge gift. Think of the annoying things about your social circle that right now you aren’t having to deal with. Think about times in the past you would have wished for a little solitude like this!

#finds #turninglifearound

Almost a year has passed

...everything’s different but not quite.

Last semester was a success. I passed all of my subjects, even got high grades, I was happy, everything went well. I hope I documented everything here.

..because it’s a different story now.

I’m back to that spiral of overthinking and anxiety, I’m seeing all the doors closing right in front of me. And I am the one at fault, I am the one to blame. I am very much setting myself up to fail.

The past few months I can’t feel anything at all. I just keep on walking and walking each day, with life throwing rocks and boulders at me, and with me not doing anything. Not avoiding the projectiles I can see very much clearly, walking past by a road full of sharp stones bare-footed. I didn’t care at all. I stopped thinking. I stopped trying. I just let the waves carry me from place to place. I’m drowning. Once again. And I stopped looking for air.

Maybe at this moment I am lying by the shore. I can’t feel the waves of the ocean, they receded from the coast. But I can see them, quite far-away, leaving the ocean floor exposed. I have to get up and run before the tsunami come ashore. With waves that big, it might be the end of me. But my body still won’t move.

I hear a distant roar and with a little charge of adrenaline I managed to get up. Okay. I will try again.

Hey, It’s Been Three Months

I can’t believe it has only been three months because I’ve forgotten that this blog exists and I just remembered it now because I had an urge to write.

I apologize for not writing the past months because I’ve been really been busy with univ (even though I have no one to apologize to because nobody knows the existence of this blog lol). I reread all my posts from Day 0 and a lot has changed since then. I feel a lot better now without even realizing so. I think telling my parents my situation was really the turning point.

However, I’m not fully-healed yet. There are still days when I want to disappear from this world. A lot has happened and I’m still anxious about things. The major difference is hat now I am not ashamed to open up to my friends about my feelings and that I got back with the friend I decided to cut-off in Day 0. He’s helping me a lot and I can say that he’s a main factor for my improvement.

Anyway, I want to start meditating again. I want to make it a habit this time and hopefully this will carry on next year. I’ll post updates here!

#M5D19 #turninglifearound

This is the time when I get ideas-- both good and bad. Staying awake at 1am is a risk, a battle berween optimism and sadness. Winning feels good but it's a rare scenario.

M2D2: Continuity

I am really happy this day because I was able to study and I am very inspired because I’ve been having a lot of ideas lately. What is needed is for me to follow-through with this ideas or else this will make me feel down again.

I’m still studying and I only took this time to write here.

Gratitude:

1. Was able to study!!!

2. Cake!!!

3. Banter with a friend. I missed talking to him like this so much. A lot has happened to us over the span of our friendship and I really treasure him. Talking to him again made me really happy.

Month 2, Day 1: A Glimpse of Reality

Apparently my post yesterday wasn’t published here and it’s not on the drafts as well. :( I am too lazy to rewrite that lengthy post so for now, I’ll just write about this day. I will just write that again when I have the time and motivation.

It’s enrollment season again so I had to come back to the university to enroll. I was on a terrible mood at first because I woke up late and I was too lazy to move and prepare for school. Granted, I wasn’t able to accomplish much during the enrollment for the past two days. But I am still glad because things went smoothly in the end.

I accidentally met two of my friends and they accompanied me. We ate together and I realized how much I miss them and how happy I am whenever I hang out with them. They just don’t fail to make me laugh.

I went to a place alone and managed to get home without being lost and that was such an accomplishment for me because I have an extremely terrible sense of direction. I bought a really cute plant candle to thank a friend for letting me borrow her calculator last sem. I bought two and gave the other one to a random kind stranger and it really made me happy because he liked the gift. But in the end my friend told me that I returned the wrong calculator and the calculator I returned wasn't working even if she changed the batteries. :( Fail. I was so embarrassed. I still am. I even bought a new pair of batteries for it but I guess it's really broken. :( Oh well I just apologized and told her that I will buy her a new one. She's still not replying so I am worried to the core right now. :(

The bullet journal is helping me A LOT since my mind is a cluttered mess and organizing thoughts in my BuJo is a great way to declutter. It also made me productive in terms of doing the things that I should do because I like crossing out things in it. I hope I will be consistent on this.

Day 30: Some Preparation

I went to the bookstore and found some relatively cheap dotted notebook. I’ve long wanted to try bullet journaling but the notebook was too expensive for me so I’ve never got to try this.

Since I am new to bullet journaling I kept the design simple. I want the journal to be functional first and foremost. I am kind of excited to use this this coming semester. I hope it wil help me deal with things.

The spread shown in the picture is the Time Tracker. It was initially just a sleep tracker but I thought why not incorporate other things like study time there right? I’ll just use different colors to highlight. :)

On the right side is the habit tracker. My goal for August is to be consistent in my morning and evening routine. The sun symbol there is for waking up early, the Greek letter omega which is used as the symbol for ohm in engineering is for meditation (get it? ohm?) The zzZ is for sleeping early and the happy face is for gratitude.

I am really motivated this day so I'm trying my best to do things while the motivation is still here but I am also careful not to overexert myself to sustain this.

Tomorrow (I mean later), I’ll go back to the university to settle my ineligibility formally. I will also visit my counsellor and consult my adviser regarding the subjects that I will take.

Gratitude: 1. Relatively cheap dotted notebook and the motivation it brought me. 2. Creative juices flowing. 3. Watercolors to fix mistakes because I spilled a chocolate drink on the notebook lol.

Day 29: Rest?

Sundays were supposed to be the rest days but I spent my whole saturday watching a Kdrama so I'll be working later. Gratitude List: 1. Ideas. I'm planning to be more proactive in this blog this August. As you can see, I am not consistent at posting here and I only write tidbits of what is actually going on with my life. I know that nobody actually reads these posts but in the future when I am able to really turn my life around, I want to be able to look back here and see my progress as detailed as possible. Maybe this blog will be helpful to those who want to do the same too. 2. Generally a good day. My parents were not around and I was able to hang-out with my sister and my cousin. 3. Epiphanies. A friend asked me yesterdsy if I wanted to talk with the people involved in my previous circumstances in order to ease my pain. I thought about it but I can't think of anything to say to them because I honestly think that I am the only one who is making this a big deal but while I was showering a while ago I have thought of the people I wanted to talk to and of what to say to them. For other people I know it may take a longer time before any encounters occur but at least now I have thought of a way to get some sort of closure with some people. I am talking in a really vague manner right now so sorry if this doesn't make sense at all. R

Day 28: Triggers

I was so happy yesterday but I triggered myself before sleeping-- I reread a drunk message that was sent to me by a friend months ago.

I do not know why, maybe I was balancing out my emotions. Maybe I was trying to justify my recent decisions in life. I achieved my goal and I was reminded of why am I pushing my other friend of mine away. She was right. I’m dragging him down with me with my depression. I was older so I should know better than to let him participate in my misery. I should learn how to stand on my own.

But aside from this confirmation, I was reminded of everything else-- my failures, misdecisions, the rumors, backstabbings, my regrets, all of the things I don’t want to remember anymore, and how unfair things were. I was haunted by all these thoughts when I was trying to sleep and as soon as I woke up.

Meditation has helped me a little bit (or maybe a lot). I learned how to calm down and ignore my thoughts and to focus on the present. Thanks to that I was able to fall asleep. For the past three days I was doing kindness meditation and I always wish that friend of mine that she will find peace and be happy. It was easy at first, because I truly want her to be happy. She was very kind to me and to everyone around her and I had no hard feelings for her.

...until I reread her message. For some reason all of my feelings burst out of my chest and it was harder to wish her the best after, but no, I know that I still wish for her to be happy and that we three will move on from this.

I think I have figured out the root cause of why my depression came back. I will talk to my counselor this Monday.

Gratitude List:

1. I was able to study a lot this day, not checking out facebook until night time feels good.

2. My cousin was a nice company.

3. Before writing this post I was able to vent on a friend and that’s why I’m a lot less dramatic about this. I still have a lot to say supposedly but I’ve ran out of emotions.

I’m supposed to tutor a younger cousin of mine tomorrow but it’s raining hard so I won’t be able to. I’ll think of something to do (maybe I’ll plan for August)!

Until then!

Day 27: Getting Better

The sadness remains but things are getting better. I hope this continues.

Gratitude:

1. I was accepted in a position I applied to. (It’s been over a month without any news but I followed up and they accepted me lol)

2. Got 20 units from the online raffle of subjects! Hurray for a hassle-free enrollment!

3. I am inspired and happy today. I brain-stormed with a friend and we talk about our future plans.

Day 25:

There’s still a lot to be happy but I still feel blue. I miss him and I still don’t know if my decision was right.

Gratitude List:

1. My readmission was granted!

2. Funny moments with friends.

3. My cousin is here and I have an accountability partner from now on.

Day 23: Sick

I was sick so I slept the whole day. I've been having vivid dreams as well. Gratitude: 1. I feel closer to my parents now. 2. I'm taken care of. 3. Medicines

Day 22: A Day after a Suicide

I slept on the sofa the night before because I had to wake up early. I woke up at 5:30am with the heavy feeling I’m too familiar with. It’s still too early but I shouldn’t sleep again or I’ll risk missing a meeting with a friend.

It’s the unhealthy habit I have. I checked my newsfeed which is of course still flooded with the news of Chester’s sad death. I avoided reading the articles because the topic of suicide triggers me. I am deeply saddened and at the same time afraid.

I don’t know why I cried, I am not even a fan of Linkin Park. I only know their most popular songs and I didn’t even the know of the band members, but I cried hard as I was listening to their latest album. The lyrics resonated with me and in that moment I knew that I have to tell my parents this secret I’ve been keeping. I cried harder as I was building the courage to confess. I do not know how and where to start. I know deep down that they will understand but I can’t remove the fear inside my heart.

It was 6:30 and I’m going to be late if I do not start preparing. I told myself that it’s now or until then. And until then I will be continuously weighed down by this. I messaged my friend to move our meeting. I sat beside my parents drinking coffee by the dining table. I confessed.

My dad gave a little speech as he tried to comfort me from crying. He told me it was okay. I shouldn’t feel ashamed. It's okay.

Day 21-2: After Meditation

Maybe I am like this because I am overwhelmed with so many changes I tried to incorporate to my life all at once. I got so overwhelmed that I can't think clearly. To be honest until now I still do not know what to do. I just have a little over a week before enrollment period and I feel like I am running out of time. I still want to do so many things but I am accomplishing nothing. And I am escaping again. I also abandoned my meditations which I have been so consistent with last month. I get times like this when suddenly I have a clear mind. During these times I try to plan but I always fail to follow-through the next day. This time I'll start small again-- no pressuring self to study or to play the piano. Just meditate early in the morning and do the most important thing before indulging in social media. And before sleeping, write the day here with three things I am grateful about. Gratitude List: 1. Early in the morning I have friends I can talk to about my scary dream 2. I just got a slot confirmation on a convention I want to attend 3. I am back to meditation I'll do my best to be consistent on this blog from now on.

Day 21: I am always crying

I still cry every night and even in my dreams. I just don't know how to get better or if I will ever be and if i'm trying too hard or not at all. I am tired and empty and lonely. And I'm running out of time and friends to talk to. I don't want to be a burden to anyone but it's hard pretending to be fine.

Day 14: I did nothing

Day 13: Back to Square One

It’s the 13th of July and as you can see, I haven’t posted a thing since Day 0. Maybe the changes I made were all too sudden and the repercussions for them got the best of me. Maybe I was a fool to believe that I can manage even if I know that I should take things one step at a time.

For the past days I was just too paralyzed to move. I stopped meditating and the heavy feeling everytime I wake up got heavier. I cannot undo what I did (you can’t just bring back people you decided to cut off from your life, yes?) It is hard but if I had the chance to turn back time, I think I would do it again. I am convinced that what I did was the best for the both of us, and everytime I think hard about it, that was the only conclusion I always arrive at.

It hurts so much, pushing the person who helps you the most away; but I just can’t rely on him forever. I need to heal and we both need to grow. We need to grow apart. He has his own issues to address, and I have tons. I can’t bring him down with me. What I just hope is that we both grow from this. And in the future, when we meet, we are stronger and wiser-- whole individuals, not broken pieces trying to fill each other’s void.

I talked to him yesterday and I am happy he understood. I’ve also submitted the paperworks for my readmission in the university and I’m just waiting for the results. I also resumed my meditation and got a good counsellor. She offered to meet with me again once the school year starts.

So, yes. Now that I’ve addressed the issues that had been haunting me, I am back to square one. It’s Day 14 and I haven’t finished anything from my plans but it’s better late than never. :)

-R

#Day14 #turninglifearound

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