So I guess you could say I’ve been having a little bit of an identity crisis lately. Or maybe it’s existential. To be honest, they’re pretty similar as far as I know so maybe it’s both.
Anyway, here’s the thing. I think I’ve mentioned before how every so often I have a little wobble where I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do or how I’m supposed to do it or who I’m supposed to be while I do it. It can get very overwhelming and last time it happened, I shaved most of my head and dyed the rest of my hair black. (Think Christy Mack, and you’re close to the hairstyle I had.) In the last few months I’ve been growing out my hair and let me tell you, it’s such a pain. Anyone who’s had their head shaved can relate to the ‘fluffball’ stage, and right now I’m stuck on the ‘it looks like a bad wig’ stage.
Back to the point. I have on or two interests. Not so big that I’d call them hobbies. I do logic puzzles, I play strategy games, I read true crime books, and I have an interest in coffee and tea. But like I said, nothing so big as I’d call it a hobby or a passion. I’ve worked in the café industry and thought coffee was my big calling. I tried desperately for it to be. I tried to study it, I tried to learn as much as I could but... I fell flat. It just didn’t grab me.
Boo is in the cocktail business. He’s well-known in his field and he truly is passionate about what he does. I’ve ended up putting more effort into studying cocktails than I ever did in any exam. And all to try and impress him. He’s very laid back though so he doesn’t notice when I try to casually drop certain words or phrases into conversations about his work.
But the whole ‘studying cocktails’ thing got me thinking.
I’ve never been my own person. I’ve tried to own my identity and I’ve tried to damn the haters but the truth is, any time I have actually tried to let my real self poke through, I get scared because someone passes a remark or does something that makes me think that it’s just not worth it. People always make fun of me because I never quite grew out of my ‘goth phase’ as a teenager. I still wear too much eyeliner, I still dress all in black, my room is painted a deep purple, I have ridiculous looking jewellery, but I love all that and I love that I love it. I do just feel though that I should nearly be ashamed of it all. I’ve jumped onto other peoples’ hobbies and passions and interests my whole life because maybe their love for it will rub off on me and I’ll finally have something other than a book of puzzles to keep me up at night. I always latch on to other peoples’ ‘things’.
There’s a flip side to this. Boo is really into camouflage clothing and accessories, and it turns out that I happen to be too. I know for sure that it’s not just latching on because I’ve always liked it I’ve just never actually bought any camo stuff before. I’m almost too afraid to wear it, though. People have accused me of morphing into someone I’m not just to impress him. (His friends aren’t as nice as he thinks they are.) I mentioned this to him the other night and he dismissed it saying that I can wear what I want and he’ll never think I’m doing it just to be more attractive to him or that I’m doing it because I think thats what he wants.
So what if cocktails really are something I could be passionate about, but refuse to look into more because I’m worried I’m just latching on again?
It’s a yucky feeling but oh well, O’m sure I’ll sort it out...
There’s something else I want to talk about here too.
Some hurtful things have been said to me in the last while by Boo’s friends, particularly one girl, and it’s just not worth the hassle of telling him. I kind of told him one thing about it and he just dismissed it as a joke, but it definitely wasn’t. I can hardly turn around and say I don’t want to hang out with her anymore either because they’re like, BEST friends.
But see, Boo has a huge chance to manage a new bar opening in the city in the next few months, and he wants to bring this girl on board as part of the team. I think this is a terrible idea. Boo is 10 years older than me, and she’s a year younger than me. She’s still in life-equals-party mode and it’s obvious that whenever the two of them are together, Boo feels like he has to prove that he can keep up and still party like she can. It’s led to a couple of arguments between us. I think she’s holding his life back in a huge way. He has this subconscious need to stay desperately loyal to her, when even he has admitted that her loyalty to him is fickle, fragile, and very, very limited. He could do great things, he could really kickstart himself into the stratosphere with this new bar, but she’ll hold him down if she goes there too. Not only because he won’t want to order around his friend, but because he’ll end up drinking on the job, going to after-partys, and more or less putting things at risk just to appease her and her need to keep the party going because he thinks he has to. If he stopped letting her and her drama (her relationship drama could be the basis of a soap) into his life, I’d be delighted because then I’d know for sure that his life can really start moving.
Look, let me put it this way. He, and me too, has lent her a lot of money over time. He never asks for it back because ‘thats what friends do’. She lent us €40 one day because we were seriously in a bad way, and then badgered him for it back until I finally got some welfare money and we could give it to her. She only calls him when her girlfriend-but-not-actually-even-though-they-live-together-but-she-claims-to-hate-her isn’t around. She makes fun of him a little bit too much for it to be a joke. She’s said nasty things to me. I actually cross my fingers every night when I collect him from work that he’ll tell me that they’ve had a fight because then I’ll be able to relax and feel better.
Long story short, he’s trying to settle his life down and build his career so that he has a nice house to come home to and food in the fridge. She’s just looking for the next night out.
Who knows, maybe tonights the night I won’t have to cross my fingers anymore....
This is far too long, so I’m going to leave it here. Hope everyone is enjoying their summer. (Or winter, depending where you are.)
