Not all forms of rape are illegal. Plenty of illegal forms of rape today once used to be legal, such as marital rape. Doesn’t make them okay. Consensual sex means the consent wasn’t coerced or pressured in any way, directly or indirectly, from your partner or your community. Consent is ongoing. Sex is an intimate act. If you are using another human being as a masturbation tool, you should not be having sex. If you are not doing that, then you notice when they stiffen up or wince or otherwise seem uncomfortable, and you ask if they’re okay and you stop if they aren’t. We are in the midst of a backlash. Men are pushing back, saying coercion is not rape, claiming false accusations are common, saying a man can’t possibly know if a partner is uncomfortable if she doesn’t say so, saying no doesn’t always mean no. So we need to push back against that.
If you say no and he pressures you until you give in, it is rape even though you finally said yes.
If your community guilts you into submitting, it is rape even though you gave in.
If he keeps going while you’re in pain, it is rape even though you didn’t say so.
If he keeps going after you say a soft “no” or “stop”, it is rape even though you weren’t louder or more forceful.
If you are lying there limp and dissociating, it is rape even though you said nothing.
If you are crying and he never asks if you’re okay, it is rape even though you didn’t ask him to stop.
If he springs an act on you during an initially consensual encounter that you haven’t discussed, it is rape even though you never said no.
If you were to expect your partner was one sex but he turns out to be the other at the last second, it is rape even though you were all for it up to that point and gave in because you didn’t feel like you could back out.
If you set a boundary two weeks ago and he violates it now after respecting it before, it is rape even if you didn’t say “stop”.
If he takes advantage of you while you’re drunk, it is rape even though you left with him.
If he’s in a position of authority over you, it is rape even though you agreed.
If you are still an adolescent and he is an adult, it is rape even if you happily said yes.
If he’s put you in a situation where you’re afraid you won’t get home if you say no, it is rape even you said yes.
If there are a group of them all at once, it is rape even if you never say no.
If you bleed and it’s not your period, it is rape even if you don’t think it was that big a deal.
If you are injured in any way more serious than pulling a muscle, it is rape even if you like it rough.
If he is your partner, whether you just started dating, are casual, or are married, and he forces you in any way, it is rape even though you haven’t had sex in a few weeks or longer.
If he sabotages contraceptive methods, it is rape even though the sex itself seemed entirely consensual.
If you ask to stop and he says “just a second, I’m almost done”, it is rape even if he comes right then.
If you ask to stop and he claims “blueballs” or “point of no return”, it is rape because neither of those things are true the way men use them. Blueballs will not result in injury, and if there is time to say “past the point of no return” he had ample time to stop.
If you ask to stop and instead of stopping he asks why, it is rape. You ask questions after stopping, never during. And the question should be, “Are you okay?”
If he took advantage while you were emotionally distraught, it is rape even if you gave in because you just wanted to be held.
If you are having a heated argument with you and he pushes you down to have sex with you, it is rape because he means to punish and silence you.
If he has a history of mean or worse behaviour whenever you say no to sex, the sex you do have with him is rape because saying no has consequences.
If he demands sex as an amends for some perceived wrong you did, it is rape even if you actually did do something wrong.
Punishment sex is rape. Coercive sex is rape. Sex with someone who has direct power over you is rape. Sex where information relevant to the sex act is withheld is rape. Taking advantage of a person impaired by substance use or intense emotional upset is rape. Making sure that saying no results in unpleasantness for the partner who said it means it is rape every time she says yes. Sex where he’s so careless he doesn’t notice or doesn’t care when she’s in pain or discomfort is rape. Sex involving acts that are sprung without having been discussed beforehand are rape. Sex that violates a boundary that was never freely revoked by the person who set it without pressure from the other is rape.
Getting laid is not a human right. Not having sex is an acceptable outcome. If in doubt, err on the side of not raping. Sex that is genuinely wanted by all involved parties that doesn’t result in harm is a wonderful thing and is absolutely possible without any of the above. Any man who says otherwise is at best defending rapists he knows and at worst is a rapist himself.
The above absolutely goes for same scenarios as well, and yes it goes for when women are the aggressor and men are the victim. That being said, men and boys commit over 90% of sexual assaults and women and girls are the majority of the victims. I am not dressing up my language in gender neutral terms for something that is clearly a gendered issue. If you are a man and don’t like seeing “he” when referring to rapists, tell your fucking male friends and family members to stop raping.
