n. start; beginning

a journal to self improvement

[unbotheredmuse]

[matrose]

imagine being the first ancient person to realize that the ocean and their tears taste the same. imagine realizing that your sorrow and the waves share a taste. i wouldve gone crazy

[unbotheredmuse]

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

"People do almost anything for love. Whatever role we are loved for in our family, we will continue to enact it, despite the toll it takes."

- from "Good Morning, Monster: Five Heroic Journeys to Recovery" by Catherine Gildiner

[jb-blunk]

im getting out of here alive (my twenties)

[ojibwa]

[synqra]

Final fantasy concept art by Yoshitaka Amano

[umpisa]

How watching Thai BL made me feel happy again

This quarantine (why do I feel like I have to start everything acknowledging the pandemic, you know?) has all got us staring into our screens, looking to pass the days  with anything online. For me, that just happened to be the entire Thai BL universe.

I guess I started off with 2gether, like most of us. I was scrolling through Facebook when I came about a post where two boys were listening to a song on their earphones while a concert was playing, and I thought, "That's so cute!" (referring to the actors, and the scene) but at the same time, I thought, "Why are they listening to a song on their phone when there's live music infront of them, not to mention that it's VERY LOUD!

And so, partly because of Sarawat, I started watching 2gether, and my, oh my, I couldn't let my phone down without watching all the episodes they had thus far (6 episodes in, I think) and WOW everytime something happened, I would pause the video, get up and walk all over the room until my kilig would subside. They got me good.

When I found that they release new episodes every week, I had to drop the series for a while because I didn't want to watch an unfinished series, because then my kilig momentum would stop. So I vowed to (painfully) wait and avoid all spoilers until the last episode airs.

In the meantime, I went about watching another BL series, TharnType, and then another one, 'Cause You're My Boy, and then now, Theory of Love. And WOW I have never fangirled this much ever since One Direction boomed in 2012, when I would tweet about them all day, watch all their videos (and fan videos) online, and just eat, sleep, and breathe One Direction. My current situation is almost similar, and it's such a familiar feeling to be this giddy, I can't believe that it's been eight years since I last felt this way.

It's made me productive, too. I've started making orchestrations and covers of their OSTs, you can find one I've started here.

For the longest time, I've avoided feeling like this because I just felt that it took too much of my time, when I should be doing other productive things like practicing my music. I would laugh at my friends who're fans (or stans) of Korean idols because I've been there before, I understand their lingos and am able to understand them in a way that non-fangirls can't. But I've sort of retired from that, until recently. I forgot just how fun it was to invest your time in actors and characters and stories. 

Where I’m from, fangirls are somewhat looked down upon because, as they say it, “hindi ka naman kilala niyan, e” (they don’t even know you), “mga bakla naman ‘yan” (they’re gay), wasting very expensive tickets to their concerts and generally wasting time on them rather than doing more productive work, and other demeaning remarks. But what they don’t understand is how these fans have made a community for themselves that constantly uplifts each other, all while supporting their favorite actors/performers. It’s in this space that I can be genuinely happy without ever being judged for it. 

I'm not going to go full-on fangirl, like making fanaccs (they call it stan accounts now, wow), making fanart, watching every video. I'm not going down that rabbit hole because I don't think I can keep up with the pace. I just want to digest what I can, and what I like. And so far, I'm having fun being like myself (even for a while), again.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

How to like yourself

1. Cultivate self-acceptance. That means you accept yourself for who you are right now. It means you don’t say things like “I would accept myself if … or … I’ll accept myself when.”

2. Stop going over all things you’ve done wrong, the mistakes you’ve made, and your (perceived) inadequacies.

3. Where there’s something in your past that you feel bad about say: “This is what I learned from that situation … And that was THEN and this is NOW.”

4. Don’t compare yourself to others. Instead notice the areas where you’ve grown and changed, and chooses to focus on those changes. 5. Don’t fall into the trap of judging other people – as that often lead to being self-critical.

[umpisa]

On The Lack of a Built Relationship (with myself)

When I think of all the friends I could post a candid photo of, accompanied with a wordy anecdote of a memorable experience, it takes me a long time to accept that there's no one on that list.

I know the length of a Facebook message isn't a testament to friendship, but it's always nice to be able to express gratitude for the depth of your relationships.

I could physically see how I'm deliberately missing out on friends who would've loved to get to know me better, had I not shut down the possibility. How many friends I've come to grow apart from because I'm not checking up. How I always maintain a layer of security and authority towards those younger than me and who would love to know me more than this, only to be deprived by all traces of intimacy.

I could tell them that the reason why I'm never present and open to vulnerability with other people is because I couldn't be open and vulnerable to myself. But I'm not too convinced. My mind is telling me that maybe I don't want people to come close, that maybe the distance I've created from everybody is the kind of mystery I'd always wanted. But why are there some nights when I crave to give and to receive letters of intimacy? Even receiving memes built on inside jokes that we've created with each other would make me feel like there's someone out there cherishing our moments.

In the end, I'm still standing outside the possibilities of a deeper relationship. Instead of looking outward, I need to prioritize this relationship with myself.

[kyoung-film]

Jejudo🌸

https://www.instagram.com/kyoung_u3u/

[tantawans]

[noran-saek]

[umpisa]

gago ang pogi

[incel-moved-deactivated20210803]

“i’m the main character” girl you’re the unreliable narrator

[virgomoon-deactivated20240514]

hey, take some more video essays. (part one)

how tiktok makes you feel ugly

a relaxing critique of animal crossing new horizons

the 27 club: mental illness and art

talent belongs to the beautiful - how media manipulates your tastes

lindsay lohan: the rise of a starlet ( part one, part two )

the unrealistic beauty standard is deadly

how beauty brands failed women of color

the devil wears prada style analysis

the beauty standard between men and women

what happened to all of the black children sitcoms?

a deep dive into ‘aesthetic’ youtube

dan schneider’s wife aka hungery girl exposed

why black people hate justin timberlake

janet jackson: the underrated legend

erotica: madonna’s career ending album

the cracked reality of the ACE famly

the lovely bones is scarier than we remember

lady gaga is performance art

why rappers are the new rockstars

colorism and violence: what really happened to 3lw

the real ellen - the bitter truth behind the daytime icon

pretty privilege: beauty standards, bimbo effect and free scones

from fame to shame: shane dawson’s story ( tw for racism & pedophilia )

you’re not relatable anymore

the beauty community: racism & toxicity

a goofy movie and the power of nostalgia

music that defined the 2010s

heathers, jawbreaker, & the timelessness of killer cliques

deep cuts: society & queer horror

pinterest aesthetics, fatphobia & whitewashing

tiktok vs black creators: if you hate us just say dat

the “blaccent”; nonblack creators key to fame

ghost singing: who was really singing on michael jackson’s posthumous album

judy garland: the end of the rainbow

marilyn monroe: living blonde

the downfall of the singer cassie

this teen idol manipulated everyone

how frenemies reveals a mental health misconception perpetuated by the internet

legacy, chronical, & every other reimagining of the craft

it’s not a coincidence, it’s colorism

evil queens: a gay look at disney history

the authenticity of lana del rey

[loveletter2you]

Olivia Laing, The Lonely City

[holyisthenameofmyruthlessaxe]

Undersong, ‘The Evening News’ (1979) by Audre Lorde

[ID: any wound will stop bleeding / if you press down / hard enough.]