A puzzling aspect of Jodo Shinshu's teachings, as well as those of other Pure Land Schools, is that they promote an easy practice that is paradoxically also very difficult. Shinran talks about how the path is easy, but in the same breath, says that "for beings of arrogance and ignorance, this difficulty [hearing the Primal Vow with no doubt], none surpasses."
For me, the doubt isn't really about the Vow. The doubt is in me. There is no reason that I should change my entire belief system, no logical one anyway. How can I even know if I fully trust in Amida if I already adhere to wrong views?
This line of thinking is, and I mean this in the most academic way possible, heretical. The reason is that it puts Shinjin at an infinite distance from me and makes it unattainable. Shinjin is the absence of doubt, so to check if I have received it, logically, I should search my mind for doubts. However, I can never search the entirety of my mind. Therefore, I can never verify Shinjin, and I can never stop questioning it. Through this line of reasoning, I have cleverly made Shinjin impossible through calculation.
In Jodo Shinshu, calculation and doubt are seen as one thing. Calculation means trying to discern the working of the Vow through logical means, whether that is trying to understand it directly or reasoning that we must add something to it to be reborn in the Pure Land. It can also mean rationalizing the Vow away entirely, refuting its existence and the existence of Amida. Doubt is about doubting the efficacy of the Vow. If you try to calculate the working of the Primal Vow with a limited mind, you doubt its universal efficacy. If you refute the Vow, then you refute its efficacy.
The problem with my logic above is that I am trying to calculate the Vow. I am trying to measure Shinjin through observable evidence, or the lack thereof, evidence that is also unattainable. Even if they were attainable, and I could search my mind for hidden doubts, I would never be satisfied. If I couldn't find them, it would just mean I'd have to keep searching. If I did find them, I would lament my lack of Shinjin. But Shinjin is lacking in this whole cycle from start to finish.
In fact, if I could search my whole mind for hidden doubts and find them, I should be happy! Beings of heavy karma are the people for whom the Vow was fashioned. Therefore, having hidden doubts means Amida embraces me even more. In other words, my birth in the Pure Land is settled, and my doubts prove that fact.
All the difficulty lies in internalizing this. Whether it is internalized is simply a matter of stored karmic good from the past. The path is easy because nothing has to be done on our part except to deeply hear the Dharma. It is difficult because of the Three Poisons of Greed, Anger, and Ignorance that cloud our minds. The difficulty of this path is, therefore, empty and illusory, but it hinders us because we put stock in illusion.
I cannot fathom my mind or the weight of my karma. Only Amida can do that. I am thankful for my flaws and heavy karma. They allow me to appreciate the Dharma. I am deeply grateful for Amida Buddha because his Wisdom and Compassion are infinite and can save even me from transmigration. Even if everything I type is "vain and false", I know Amida is True and Real. NamuAmidaButsu
