The camera came uncomfortably close to the face of a man ignoring it. He was very good at it. He was reading a book about, of all things, the history of denim. It was not the sort of book that made it easy to ignore cameras, but he remained stoic.
The caption said helpfully: [been doing this for 30 mins]
âBruce. Bruce. Bruce. We need to go Walmart. Bruce. I need it.â
âItâs a surprise for Alfred.â
âYou canât surprise Alfred.â
âItâs not a matter of permission, Iâm saying you literally canât surprise Alfred.â
[he hates when i say that]
Bruce finally set down his book with an expression of the most profound disgust.
[oh no now weâll be here all day]
ââeither curse or donât, just commit one way or the other instead ofââ
The camera took its time panning over a black BMW.
[after this he took away my music privileges]
Bruce was driving, looking stoic again. His face lent itself well to stoicism. The radio played, at high volume, âSandstormâ by Darude.
âIâll play something different this time.â
âYou had your chance and you blew it on a meme.â
[SJGJDH;FUKC đđđ]
âHi, bored,â Bruce said, eyes still on the road, and Tim groaned loudly. âI donât give a shit.â
The view shifted and audio clattered as Tim dropped the phone, barking a laugh.
The phone was wobbly as Tim followed Bruce into the store. âCan I get a trampoline?â he asked, camera pointed to one outside the store.
âWe have three trampolines.â
âBut I want that one.â
They were in the chip aisle. âHave you ever had a Dorito? One Dorito? In your whole life?â
âI am a person. I eat food for people.â
The camera followed a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos into the cart.
âWeâre not getting those.â
âWe need to get sour cream, too.â
Tim had put the seatbelt of the cartâs seat, intended for toddlers, around a giant plastic jar of orange cheese puffs.
âI thought you were getting something for Alfred.â
âIâm getting groceries while weâre here.â
âNone of this is food.â
[$3 pickles blowing his mind rn]
Bruce was holding a gallon jar of pickles with an expression of incredulity.
ââcosts extra to not waste food?â
âEven taking into account the economies of scaleââ
[putting his degree to use in the pickle aisle]
ââit just makes no sense even as a loss leader, unless the goal is to drive the competition out of business and hope they donât go bankrupt in theââ
[i think heâs buying a pickle company??]
Bruce had every appearance of furiously texting on his phone, or possibly composing emails.
Bruce was now on his phone, looking impassive as ever as he contemplated the giant jar of pickles.
ââthe business itself is perfectly sound. Yes. Obviously. Dead serious. Look, if youââ
Tim put a gallon jug of ranch dressing into the cart.
Tim was in the frozen section, his reflection visible in the glass.
âI bet Alfred would love some pizza rolls.â
âYour lies demean us both, Tim.â
Bruce was standing in the toy aisle, rubbing the bridge of his nose. âI understand the concept of blind boxes perfectly well, thank you.â
âThen why are you acting confused?â
âWhy does Thomas the Tank Engineââ
Bruce was making a face of disgruntled bafflement at a display of baby clothes.
ââdisturbed by the amount of aggressive heterosexuality being foisted on these babies.â
âYeah,â Tim agreed. âWhat about the gay babies?â
âI canât tell if youâre joking but Iâm unironically concerned.â
The camera panned over a display of hero-themed hats. Most of the Batman hats had sold out, while the Superman display was nearly full. It panned back to Bruce, who was taking a picture with his own phone.
âWho you texting it to?â
âFriend in Metropolis.â
The camera peered out slowly from behind a clothing display. Bruce was surrounded by enthusiastic and friendly women. It was impossible to tell what they were talking about.
Bruce was holding a dress up against himself. The women around him seemed delighted and were nodding their approval.
[iâll strike while heâs distracted]
Tim dropped another two four-movie collections of Shrek on top of the considerable pile heâd already amassed. He panned up to check that Bruce had not caught him before grabbing another.
While Bruce put DVDs back on the shelf, Tim surreptitiously grabbed a Shrek coloring book.
[heâs gonna get a fish]
Bruce was frowning at the wall of fishtanks in silence. Finally he said, âThese fish are very unhealthy.â
[HEâS BUYING ALL THE FISH]
The man attempting to help Bruce looked baffled. Bruce gestured to the entire display of fish with a nod. The man shook his head. Tim brought his phone close to a betta, blue and red with a tattered and graying tail.
âWeâre here to save you,â Tim stage-whispered to it.
Bruce was now engrossed in conversation with multiple employees.
ââif I bought some tanks â theyâre much too small but as a temporary measure â we could transfer them directly and it might be less distressing for the fish.â
âMaybe I could get one of the big dolly carts from the back?â one young man suggested.
The low camera angle suggested Tim was trying to be surreptitious.
ââfor trying to unionize is completely against the law,â Bruce was saying, his voice low. He was helping three other employees transfer fish into large plastic tanks.
âAt-will employment,â one woman said.
âWeâd have to prove that was why they fired us,â someone clarified. âOtherwise they can say it was for no reason.â
âYouâre shitting me.â
ââfucking with my hours hoping Iâll quit.â
âIf they fired me, theyâd have to pay unemployment.â
âThatâs why they wonât let me work full-time.â
[omg heâs stealing the employees now]
ââin Gotham, but thereâs more opportunities outside of manufacturing if youâre willing to move.â
âWait, so do you mean like for management?â
âNo, no, thatâs the starting wage for someone working assembly, quality control, that kind of thing. Weâre all unionized, none of this at-will bullshit.â
The woman from earlier was showing Bruce her phone while the others continued moving fish.
âYou painted this?â Bruce asked. She nodded. âThatâs fantastic. Are you showing it anywhere? I know a guy with a gallery â actually I know pretty much everyone with an art gallery in Gotham. I think I have a friend whoâd really love this, if you donât mind me making some calls for you.â
Four more employees had joined the menagerie.
ââalmost always hiring in Gotham. People are always moving to cities with fewer evil clowns.â Everyone laughed. Tim snorted. âEmployee insurance totally covers acts of supervillainy, though.â
[trying to crush the revolution]
The employees had not dispersed. In the distance, someone managerial was talking to Bruce. He looked much less amused than Bruce did.
Tim had switched to the selfie camera, his face pure glee. He turned bodily to show the employees wheeling out tanks of fish out of the store, police lights in the parking lot.
âThe manager tried to make Bruce leave but he insisted on paying for his fish and he wouldnât stop giving people better jobs so the guy said it was corporate espionage and threatened to call the cops and Bruce called his bluff so he did it.â
[WEâRE BANNED FROM WALMART FOREVER]
Bruce was laughing with the police officers about something. The manager from earlier had been joined by men in suits. None of them looked happy. Some of the employees from earlier were yelling and flipping them off. One man pulled off the shirt of his uniform and started setting it on fire.
Bruce was on the phone in the parking lot.
âTheyâre small, most of them are tropical. You can figure out what they are when you get here. How is that racist? Iâm not suggesting you already know them, Iâm well aware you donât personally know every single fishââ
âEither you take these fish or I toss them in the sewer and Killer Croc can eat them. It will be a merciful death compared to what they were getting. It doesnât matter where I found them.â
[iâm not allowed near toxic waste]
Tim held the betta from earlier in front of his phone, bringing it dangerously close to Bruceâs face. Bruce had hung up, but seemed to be dialing another number.
âIâm keeping this one,â Tim said.
âIf I drop him in toxic waste do you think heâll get powers?â
âWeâve already had this discussion.â
[the pettiest man in gotham]
Bruce was on the phone again, looking out at the empty field beside the Walmart parking lot.
âYeah, just buy the whole thing. Yeah. Absolutely sure. Green Marketâs doing good, weâll build another one of those. Can we put up a billboard while itâs under construction? A really big billboard.â
âFirst of all, if itâs in writing, itâs libel. Second, figures taken directly from their report to shareholders arenât defamatory. Whatâs the most they could even sue me for? See, thatâs nothing. Bad PR for them, good for us, it'sââ
Tim had switched to the selfie camera again, and was using a sparkling purple filter that made his eyes look huge. He backed into Bruce so that Bruceâs face would be in the shot. âBruce, look! Youâre a pretty pretty princess!â
Bruce raised an eyebrow as he looked at his face on the screen. âIâm always a pretty princess,â he said seriously.
[he picked the music this time]
Bruce was driving again. He was listening to 100 Little Curses without any apparent irony. This did not mean there wasnât any irony.
The Walmart betta was now in a tank that held at least a hundred gallons. His underwater castle was resplendent. His tail had grown in, a shimmering gradient of red and blue. Bruce could be seen in the background through the tank, sitting on the couch and reading a book.
ellievsbear
discoholicmusic
stormborns
gummygunk
janainaart
