Unlucky Living

[unlucky2231]

I finally have something good happening in my life. Got a boyfriend right. And couldn’t be happier. But today something feels off, I feel like old me. I feel like the me who was sad all the time and just wanted to sleep all day long. Why. Nothing’s changed. I was doing so good too. This sucks.

[unlucky2231]

In a perfect world I wouldn’t keep falling down the same rabbit hole expecting a different outcome. In a perfect world I wouldn’t feel like I was falling apart all the time. Do you ever wonder what would of happen if something in your life was different? What if your parents didn’t divorce, what if you didn’t stop dancing? What if one thing that was such a big part of your life wasn’t there? Would it make your life perfect. Or does the perfect life not exist?

[unlucky2231]

[unlucky2231]

High school, I’ve heard people say it’s the best time of their lives. That is not the case for me. High school has brought me nothing but stress and really bad eating habits. Okay maybe the eating habits are due to the stress but that doesn’t make them any worse. On another note, just today we had three talks about college, I’m a junior. This year I could get 12 college credits out of the way. Honestly tho that is just more stress, the AP test seems super scary but I have to take it. My parents were never the type to put pressure on me about school, I know way to much about their lives for them to do that, that doesn’t mean tho I didn’t feel this need to be perfect at it. I wanted everything I did to be correct, This post makes no sense but if anyone relates to this, if this actually gets read, contact me, We can go through it together. 

[unlucky2231]

New Name, Push Over

Today I was called a push over. It’s true I am a push over. It was because I put away everyone else stuff before my own. I know that it’s a small thing but it still meant a lot. In the next period we had to do math problems and I swear I've never been more popular. The only time people want me is when they need something from me. I hate that I do this to myself. I let people push me around and I hate it. It all sucks so much. I wish people didn’t use people. 

[unlucky2231]

I’m so fucking tired. Tired of everything. Everything seems a mess, why can’t summer last forever. School makes everything get bad again, maybe I can’t blame school. It’s the people at school that make it hard. I wanna cry when I get home, I’m so emotionally drained I fall asleep the second I sit down. I can’t keep this up all year, I wanted this year to be good but it’s not. I’m so fucking tired. 

[unlucky2231]

I’m losing my best friend. I don’t wanna live my life without her. I don’t want to lose her but I can’t keep fighting this one sidedness. I’m scared. It’s all so much. What do you do when you have given everything you can think of giving? Do you continue to give everything you can, or do you wait to see if they start making an effort. I’m so lost. It’s the second day of school and she won’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do. 

[unlucky2231]

First Day

So I kinda treat this thing like its a blog people actually read, I know no one will but it makes me feel a little bit better. So today was my first day of my junior year in high school. It actually went okay. I was kinda scared because high school isn’t something I’m good at and because I pissed off a few people within the first week of summer, they avoided eye contact with me today but that’s fine. I actually like my teachers and the classes should be fun, and really difficult but that was my own doing. There was a new kid in school today. If only you could understand what it is like at a small school where everyone knows everyone a little to well. Having a new kid is amazing because you can start fresh, at least for a little while. It was a good day, for the most part, my friend is still embarrassed to talk to me when others are around I think but that’s not surprising. 

[unlucky2231]

Fuck everyone in my class. Fuck all of “friends” and fuck everyone who has ever made me feel unimportant. Honesty I’m so done, I’ve put up with so much bullshit and I’m sick of feeling like I deserve it. I do deserve it sometimes because I know I’m overbearing and dramatic as all hell but that’s not a reason to make me feel like everyone I do is wrong. I have done some cool stuff and you guys would rather here the “it” girl talk about who she’s dating then my trip out of the country and yes it’s further then the country two hours up the road from us. Ah this is bullshit. I have made better friends in half of summer then an entire fucking school year. At least they talk to me, you fucking ignore me. These posts aren’t for anyone but me. 

[unlucky2231]

I’m really stressed. I have a lot going on and I think I’m in the middle of an attack. Meaning anxiety. But the thing is when I get really anxious I do things that are not good for anyone, and it’s really bad. I just want things to get better. I don’t know if they ever will though. I’m falling in love with my best friend, and although I know that doesn’t sound bad, they are in a relationship and are really happy, plus they’d never go for someone like me. I’m not their type. And no this is not what’s causing the attack. It's everything else that has decided to pile up on top of me, crushing my chest, making it impossible to breathe. I also can’t sleep because I keep having nightmare after nightmare. It’s impossible to get any sleep. Plus my teachers are assholes and loading me up with a thousand things to do, yes I promise I know that that is their jobs and usually I’m very respectful but it’s just a lot right now, Plus I have a job and have to take care of my family to make sure everyone else is okay and I just can’t do all of it anymore. Something it gonna explode in me. 

[unlucky2231]

I feel really unimportant to people. My own family doesn’t even like to be around me sometimes. They would put almost everything above me. My friends do it too and I don’t even have friends really just friend, singular. It sucks I just want someone to want to be around me. I put everyone above everything, everyone is more important then anything in the world, and now I’m sounding like a complete nutjob. I just want to feel important, that’s all.

[unlucky2231]

So I kinda have this habit of messing everything up. I also have a special skill of pushing away the people I care about most. Last night after I thought my friend was asleep I sent them a text basically telling them they would be better off without me even though I’d be completely heartbroken if they left me. Life is great

[unlucky2231]

I think I’m a bad influence on my friends. I think I’m slowly destroying them and that I’m a toxic person. I don’t understand why they like being friends with me. I’ve tried to get them to leave me because I know that it would be easier for them to leave me now instead of later. It's not fun to know that you are bad for other people. 

[unlucky2231]

I’m in pain. Not the physical kind but the emotional and mental kind. It hurts so bad I can’t breathe at times. I need everything to stop sometimes. I had this friend and now we aren’t friends but that’s not what it is. It’s not the fact that I want us to be friends I just want people to stop making us act like we still are. I also want my current friend (yes singular) to actually want to be my friend. I’m not the kind of person to care if people want to spend time with other people, but I want someone to want to spend time with me. NO ONE DOES. Maybe I’m not cut out for life

[unlucky2231]

If you want my respect you don’t go yelling at me. You can’t say you understand how difficult it can be to have divorced parents if your parents are still together and happy. You can’t say that my anxiety is nothing compared to yours. You can’t act like I’m the villain in all of this. Worse of all you can't say I’m selfish when you spent 12 of my 16 years being drunk and not being able to keep a job. You can’t say any of that when you are a parent. It is wrong and evil. You can’t keep tearing me down like this. I do not blame you for everything, I do not act like I don’t have flaws. You can’t keep doing this though. The more you do it the more I want to leave this place and one day one way or another I’m gonna just leave and you won’t have me anymore. And I bet I’ll still be the selfish horrible person who is impossible to live with. If you hate me this much just kick me out already. 

[unlucky2231]

Why do I feel like I’m falling apart? I’ve always wanted to be strong and yet I’m so weak. I just wanted to be a person who was happy and didn’t show my issues and yet I can’t seem to do that. I can’t pull myself from my own head. I don’t even know who the hell I am. It’s so frustrating. I just want everything to make sense, but it’s never going to.

[unlucky2231]

I keep thinking about the future and every time I look at it I see nothing. I don’t think I even have a future. I think I’m just gonna die at some point before I get a chance to live. I don’t have a future. I never had one. I don’t know why I keep looking for one.