I remember that I had written something on here about a toxic person I was in love with. I just wanted to say that, that has passed :). I really am happy now. I had mental health problems for about three years, I think, due to a variety of reasons. my family problems and the fact that my childhood friends were leaving me one by one, just made me sink deeper into the abyss. I couldn't even begin to think of pulling myself back up from there. I used to cry and wish every single day that I didn't exist. it wasn't that long ago that I still used to think that, which is why it's still a little painful for me.
it really, really, really hurt feeling like you weren't worth anything. and no matter what people told you, you would always feel as if you're fighting all alone. that there's no one on this earth who can help you because you aren't worth any of that help. I felt like that for such a long time in my life. I felt like I was nothing and that most people would just brush it off if I died. nothing made me happy anymore. I didn't even know if I could feel happy anymore.
after I was rejected by that person, and after I gave my final exams, it's like a switch flipped in me. it was a really random switch because one day, I was sad as usual and the next day, I actually felt like getting out of bed and doing something productive. I suddenly wasn't plagued by thoughts about my unhappiness. in that one day, I decided that I would pick myself back up. that I would do it no matter what.
I realised that life was not really very long. it's much too short to spend time feeling sad and angry and depressed and upset. I would miss out on the things I really want to do. the things I dream of doing and experiencing. if I let myself get consumed then I knew that the things I wanted to do so badly for my entire life, wouldn't make me happy anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of losing the excitement that doing something I love would give me. I knew that if I lost that excitement then I really would be worthless, then I would really be nothing but a shell.
it was then that I realised that while the things that were currently happening in my life make me really upset, there was something else which would make me sadder, destroy me, even. and that if I lost that something else, then I really would lose my only chance at being genuinely happy with myself and my life. I didn't want to lose that, I didn't wanna lose it no matter what. I wouldn't let it be taken away from me. cause while I really hate being sad, I hate admitting defeat even more. I hate things being taken away from me without my consent. I hate it when people manipulate me into thinking I'm not worth anything. I hate people thinking that they have some right over my actions. I hate anyone telling me what to do. I hate... I hate... I hate. I found things I hate so much more that being sad.
I wanted to get rid of all of the things I hated. I needed to get rid of them. there was no need for all of that unpleasantness in my life. absolutely no need at all. just get rid of it all. but in order to get rid of it all, I had to be stronger. I had to be so much stronger. I couldn't cower in a corner and cry and be depressed and let the things I hate just happen to me without me being able to do anything about it. I know it hurts to be depressed, it hurts so much, but it hurts even more not to be able to do anything about it. it hurts even more to feel like there's nothing that can help and that you, yourself, can't control your own mind, which is a part of your body.
your mind is yours and yours only. while there are things that may make you think otherwise, it is just your own and always, always your own. not your family's, not your friends', not one other person's except yours. YOU, YOURS, AND THAT IS IT.
MINE. MY MIND. ONLY MINE. as soon as I truly realised that, I hated the fact that I was letting something take control over me like this. I was letting my own mind control what I wanted to do, isn't that crazy? I barely listen to my parents and I was OBEYING my mind, which is the one thing which is supposed to be under my command.
I was talking about that toxic person and I went off on a whole other tangent huh. anyway, about them, after I cut off contact with them, they started texting me a lot on social media. I remember when I was still in love with them, I would deliberate for hours on what I should text them and what I should do in case they replied to me. I even typed out a message which told them that I loved them but, of course, I never sent it to them. I wrote various notes in my phone's notepad expressing how much I loved them. they're all deleted now. I think I can now truly say that I don't love them anymore. wholeheartedly. while I will still care for them just as I would care for a stranger, I don't love them anymore. I don't let them have control over me anymore. and that makes me inexplicably happy :D. so happy, that I can't put it into words.
it's the first time you may have heard of someone being this happy after being heartbroken. but, trust me, I really, really am. it's so freeing. and so nice. just knowing that I didn't tie myself down to them makes me so so so so so so happy yay!! the fact that they constantly message me these days, and try to keep in touch with me really boosts my self esteem by a lot. I smile a lot more, I laugh a lot more. I'm a lot more blunt with my words than before. I feel like I'm becoming more assertive. I've had people tell me that I'm beautiful more often.
there may be times that I have my usual episodes of crying and feeling overall upset but they don't last for long anymore. I can say for sure that I really am happy right now. typing this puts a smile on my face. I hope anyone who reads this and actually gets through to the end, is happy too. even if you aren't, I hope you find happiness in your life. I really, truly do. what happened in my life is proof that being upset and angry and depressed, are not forever. they are not meant to be forever. if you stay holding on for long enough, I'm sure you will find your own happiness soon enough :).
cute gif to maybe make u laugh 🥰
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