Until I decide

I couln't decide when I will share my favorite portraits but I guess this is the time, this is personal, this is my heart in pictures.

[untilidecide]

There are these types of people that are there in your life to help you climb, to challenge you and take you out of your comfort zone. Sometimes you don’t meet people that are like you or like the same things as you but meeting them is part of the journey, is meant to happen so you grow and learn something. Do not overlook these type of people, maybe they won’t stay in your life forever, but their role, even if small is important in that chapter of your life.

[untilidecide]

I was living through rose colored glasses. Even the bad times i romanticized them, and nothing was forced, I was just so happy and surrounded by laid back easy going people, everything just felt so cozy even the carpet in the floors where I will sleep sometimes. I was carefree and happy and my intense self wasn’t that intense, it was so easy for me to just take it less serious, and it was love, I felt loved, love made it easier, friends were there for me and I was there for them. Thanks for all the laughter, the tears and the moments we shared, my little paradise, where all the worries were gone and we were just like little kids having fun jamming to the music in this magical pinkish room, I loved it there I will always love it there. cheers to the good times.

[untilidecide]

To me photography is an escape, it’s a way of distracting myself, allows me to calm my mind, to focus on seeing the beauty around me when I feel bored, tired, sad, hopeless or lonely. But other times it is a tool that helps me freeze my happiest moments, faces that I want to remember, memories that I want to hold on to. Every photograph I have makes me wanna go back in time, reminds me of how I felt in that moment, a whole video plays in my head when I am looking at a picture. Oh my dear camera, I love you so much for being with me in my happiest days and in my not so good days because you help me find joy in the little moments, you allow moments to be tangible. This photos are proof that I am not making up these memories in my head, they happened. And that is why I love taking photos, it is all about the meaningful photos of meaningful times. 

[untilidecide]

In the majority of the photos I take people are laughing, yes it is intentional, I like how people look when they laugh, I like how I feel when people are laughing, I like happiness, I feel such a joy when people laugh and have a good time, the biggest laugh, the most imperfect genuine laughs are my favorite, this is what life is about, is about feeling and these moments of joy is what makes everything else worth it. When I look back at this picture I feel happy and that is the reason I took it, I want photographs to be a reminder of how beautiful life is. Sometimes in painful moments we forget that better times will come. When I’m down, I look at some pictures and I feel motivated again to keep going. Life is beatiful, life is beautiful.

[untilidecide]

This is one of my favorite portraits and he is one of the best humans I have ever met. We worked at the same restaurant. He was very friendly and one day during lunch break, one of our co-workers was eating a pickle and I got really excited because I like pickles and so I asked him if I could have some of his pickle and he gave me half of it and I was so happy and grateful and then this guy here in the picture told me that my reaction to the pickle made his day, he was not feeling so good but seeing me happy for such a small thing made him happy.

This melted my heart so much, I didn’t expect my happiness for a pickle would made his day a little brighter, and by telling me, he made my day even better.

Later he asked me if I had try a brand of kosher pickles and I told him that I didn’t and he said he would buy me one and I laughed. The next day or days later he came to work and put the jar of pickles in front of me and I was so suprised, I never thought he would actually buy it for me. He took a picture of my reaction to send it to his mom becuase he told her the whole story of me being happy after a coworker shared his pickle with me.

He told me how he drove all the way to a supermarket just to buy it for me and I felt so touched by his sweet gift, I don’t how such a small thing that I did had an impact on him and it had an impact on me as well. I know this may seem mundane but it is a speacial memory that I will never forget.

The last day of work he gave me another jar of pickles and I can’t help tear up everytime I remember this. I hope that wherever he is, he is happy and hopefully he remembers me everytime he eats a pickle.

[untilidecide]

When things get hard I want to remember that there is a way out, that it will take time and hard work to get what you want but everything will be okay in the end. It is so hard to feel positive when you feel like that and it is okay and normal to feel frustrated unmotivaded but just remember that things always change and bad seasons don’t last forever.

[untilidecide]

Esos recuerdos no se olvidan no no no se olvidan no se olvidarán jamás.

[untilidecide]

My favorite portraits are the ones where I feel that I captured the person in an authentic moment, when I look at all those photographs I realize that I’m just trying to find myself in them, trying to look for the humanity in people, we all feel happy, sad, angry, we all can at least find one thing in the other person that we can relate. We are mirrors of each other and sometimes we don’t like what we see in the mirror, sometimes we love what we see, those qualities we see in other we have it too. And this quote that I just read explains it so well:

“Now you look into the eyes of another being, and you see another being just like you looking back at you. Are you in there? Far out! I’m in here. How did you get into that one? And what you see at that moment is another awareness just like you, but packaged differently. In Christianity it’s called the soul; the eyes are the windows to the soul—so you see another soul just like you, but who is having an entirely different set of life experiences because they’re packaged differently.“

~Ram Dass

[untilidecide]

I just wanna say that I am so grateful, I truly am in this moment my heart is full of grattitude, everything that I lived got me here to this point, it may not seem perfect but it is good enough to make me feel content and joyful. 

I know there are people in the world that may behave in ways that makes us upset but there are so many, so many people that make life better, you reading this are one of them, I want to believe I am one of them as well. We may not be perfect but we try to do what we can to be happy and not harm anyone and that is what matters. 

Thank you to all the people that love, that are kind, that show support, thank you thank you thank you!. If you are losing hope in humanity, I hope this makes you think that there is hope, that there is good in this world.

[untilidecide]

One of my favorite things about this human experience is meeting other humans, humans with genuine souls, humans that love, humans that share, humans that make you feel less alone, humans that are vulnerable and connect with you, humans that are kind, humans that are there for you, humans with good intentions. There are many even though it feels like most humans aren’t like that, there’s a good amount of them that always remind me that there’s good in this world, knowing that they exist makes me hopeful makes me happier, makes this messy life more bearable, more joyful. They make the good memories that I will take with me forever.

[untilidecide]

I think about how a single photo can hold so much meaning. sometimes the older it gets the more nostalgic and meaninful it gets. I took this photo of a dear soul I met back in 2015. I always loved taking pictures of people smiling, laughing, of people in their true nature just being themselves. I was with my camera in launch break and I had to capture this moment, I like how people look when they are happy. This was only another happy portrait I took but when he passed away it meant so much more. 

He and his life has always been a inspiration to me, I looked forward to living life the way he did, to the fullest. Last time I saw him, he told me to go to Moab. He wanted me to live that experience that he was enjoying. I didn’t go but I hope to go soon, not only to Moab but just to every place I feel called to, to travel and experience life and live it to the fullest. Whenever I see this picture or any other picture of him I’m reminded of my dreams, I’m reminded of what I want to do in this life, I’m reminded to live life to the fullest. 

People that love him love this photo and that warms my heart to another level, this picture meant a lot to me and knowing this feeling is shared with other people that loved him is a greater feeling. This photo doesn’t belong to me only, when it trascends it belongs to anyone that finds meaning in it. 

The power of freezing a moment will always be my favorite thing about a photograph. This is why I love photography. This is why I love taking pictures. This is why I love freezing moments. This is why I will collect my favorite moments for the rest of life.

And thanks Casey for live your life in the way you did. You will always be an inspiration to me.

[untilidecide]

Frustration. sense of worth. stagnation. growth. success. career. motivation. hopeful. hopeless. will I make it. dreams. what should be my next move? Do I keep trying? Do I give up? How long can I keep trying? Money. worry. stress. happiness. life. focus on what matters. capitalism. overwhelmed. tired. sad. depressed. tears. life. I want to be happy, I don’t want to worry about money. Art. I just want to make art and be happy. income. why people don’t buy my stuff. time. old. how much time until I give up. smaill things. focus on the small things. remeber why you do it. don’t give up. believe in yourself, you are aboundant. manifest. feel abundant, this will pass, this is temporary. you are being tested. the world is in your side, repeat this and look in the mirror, travel. goals. I want to travel the world. dreams. dream big. you can do it. trust. trust in the universe. cry cry cry cry cry. write my emtions down. heal. expectations. reputation. image. perception. friends. family. Will I be ok? I want to think I will.

This was a much needed brain dump.

[untilidecide]

Do you ever feel unseen or unimportant? 

Do you ever feel like an extra of a movie that no one pays attention to?

Do you ever feel like you are screaming but no one can hear you, like those nightmares where you wake up from scared? But it is real life, it is not a dream.

You speak but there is no audience, you express yourself but everyone is looking at their phones or with headphones on.

You send a message and no one replies.

You call and no one picks up the phone.

You scream HELP and no one is around.

You have to speak in public but all the kids in class are talking to each other and the teacher tells you to raise your voice and you do it but they still can’t hear.

You send a tweet and no one interacts with it.

You post in social media and there is not reactions.

Have you ever feel ignored, ghosted?

Have you ever feel like no one cares?

Have you ever feel alienated from everyone around you?

In a room full of people you feel alone, unwelcomed, like you don’t belong.

You speak and someone else is just waiting to reply but they didn’t hear a word you said.

Is attention seeking bad?

or is it just human to want to be seen and understood

to be held and hugged

to be loved

to connect.

[untilidecide]

A coworker passed away shortly after I met him, since then I made a promise to myself to always take pictures of people around me. I didn’t take a single picture of him and I want to have these memories in pictures before they leave.

 Years after that, another coworker passed away, but this time I had some photos of him and some time after he died his mom reached out to me to tell me how much she liked the photo I took of her son. That meant the world to me and that remind me of how much a single photo can mean. Photos are not just for me, they are for the people that like it, they are for the people that find it valuable. 

That is why it is important for me to continue to take pictures of the people around me and remember them for eternity.

They say when you remember a person they never die.

[untilidecide]

I don’t remember taking this picture, that day I drank a little bit too much and I took many pictures that I don’t recall taking but this one grabbed my attention. What were they doing? I asked them but they don’t remember either. I have a hypothesis. I think my friend on the left was feeling my other friend’s energy or maybe her aura. I don’t know but it looks very spiritual and it will remain a mistery. I love this picture a lot, it is really magical. These are things that happen when you are in good company and I am glad I captured it.

[untilidecide]

I am a very nostalgic person, maybe too much for my own good, but is it really that bad? I think I’m privileged to even be able to feel nostalgia, because that means that I lived moments that I miss, and you can’t miss something that isn’t beautiful? Can you? I have lived such magical moments that allow me to look back with grattitude and deep joy. Every little thing that happened gave me those unforgettable memories that i will take with me forever until I don’t remember this life anymore. Some people may think I don’t live in the moment, but I do, I was living in the moment during my favorite memories, that is how I can remember them so vividly. And I will keep living in the moment creating more beautiful experiences.

[untilidecide]

I think that we have made wanting to look back, look bad. I often hear people say “stay present”, “don’t focus on the past”. And I guess they mean don’t look back at bad times that are gone, but we don’t talk enough about how beautiful is to remember the good times,  going back to a time in our memory where we were happy. Being “nostalgic” can have sometimes a bad connotation because  we maybe get sad that some people are gone or because we wish we could go back... But I think that nostalgia can be a beautiful feeling, is all matter of perspective. Instead of being sad because something is gone, I’m happy that I lived it.

Looking back at good times makes me happy, looking at old photographs of my favorite moments fills me with joy, my soul is happy and makes everything that is botherig in the present less meaningful, it makes me feel grattitude and  makes the strugggles of daily life worth it. Life can be really hard sometimes and I need a reminder of the good times to feel better again, to be reminded of how beautiful life can be. y is why I make sure to document all the happy moments. I keep my favorite photographs and I look at them when life gets tough, so I can keep moving forward.