Sexuality, Cats, nerds, theatre, & mental health,

N. J. Saroff |21| poet | writer | playwright | actor | singer | director they/them/he/him I go by N.J, nat, Nate,Jude, judith and naticat. I am a nerdfighter! I am queer nonbinary demiboy, abrosexual all day, (i do too much in life and yet i swear I'm lazy and do nothing in life too) but for the life of me i cant dance though i greatly enjoy it I'm not at all graceful. Okay thats squared away welcome to my personal main blog where i talk about anything and everything i want to rather its arts or politics or gender or sexuality or news or mental health or college or my own life. feel free to message me if you have questions or want a writer's opinion or just need a friend although i do warn you i may not respond cause i get bad days with mental health. anyway thanks for taking the time out to read this have a lovely day! stay existing

[unwrittennat]

I'm sorry this list exists

I’m sorry this list exists

This is a list of things i plan to do before i disapear Transfer ownership of the writing groupPay off my debtFix things with those who disrespected me and my boundariesAppologize and correct the actions i did to those i have harmedIsolate and not lean on othersSell all my pocessions and give the money to charityFinish my playCry Hook up with my best friend Leave all queer and trans spacesStop…

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[unwrittennat-naticat]

Color my memories by n.j. saroff (July 7, 2017)

Bathing in a rose petals sea Blood stained skin that reminds of ugly memories between you and me You’d kiss my body trace it like pink waters of a sunrise, And I memorized Your touch But never once in your arms did I feel enough Yellow happy sky rays We talked about beach picnics for days We made these plans But it was a whole future just stuck to the sand, We’re we happy that night in December Or is what you did still too hard to remember I’m thin now covered in red marks I don’t now to start over or get past this part You would complement just how soft my curves were beneath your fingers That night in my bed still plays over and lingers Nothing returns to old My heart I sold I crafted a new mold for myself No one recognizes, maybe that’s why they stare, how dare you stay here living in my mind and body, orange was your hair, orange used to be such a pretty color I used to enjoy when boys made my heart flutter Now every flirt makes me scared another Will lift up my skirt Like I’m some kind of desert Do it with out consent Hold me down as I am bent Rip the rainbows Give me blue toes Summer nights are just as chilly Blaming myself doesn’t seem silly You know I’m lying awake like its still winter Like there are thorns and splinters Of where your hand gripped Where my dress ripped See I was the girl in the purple raincoat A trophy for you to use and gloat There is nothing nice left here my dear I won’t apologise i don’t care I’m not sorry for who I am or what I’ve become. You can’t hold me down I wont be undone.

[unwrittennat-naticat]

Skinny silver

Paint me in suffocation

The blues of poor nutrition

Skinny silver was pulling my leg

Leading me on

like a freight train gone wrong

Silver and I shattered mirrors till our fingers were raw

Took down every picture frame from the wall

We pealed back our skin

Letting the veins pop out instead of in

Nothing is shiny or covered in gold

Skipping meals was grand and bold

Guess that’s why memories of old

Move in slow motion

Brain fog from drinking ballerina tea like a perfection potion

You were the screamer in my head At liquor filled parties where I wished I was dead

Skinny silver would wine about the rain But I forced myself outside so I wasn’t driven insane

Skinny silver holds my hand to compensate for all I lack

Skinny silver whispers in my ear “there is no going back” For beauty is an empty belly, the stolen lipstick, the missing money, the safe place of my mind I used to call home

Skinny silver laughs “I’m not going anywhere honey, you’ll never be alone”

silver broke down every door

In a race with silver I was always losing more

Carvings appeared all over my arms

My time with skinny silver should have set off an alarm

But hunger is such a rush

So I’d lean a little more into silver’s touch

Days became weeks of not eating Here’s to the time we shared

Crying into silver because thinking silver cared

Skinny silver only want death i guess that’s why I crave eternal rest

So I kiss my own scars, hug my bruises, laugh at the migraines, sleeping most of the day.

Who needs health when all your mind wants to do is fade away

[unwrittennat]

When the piano leaks its notes

(this is the first love poem i have written in a year, but thing are finally becoming stable and life is looking up,the person who this is for is a dear friend of mine) Sink below my surface and you will see A heart wishing you would be with me I leave subtle hints, because I’m too shy to flirt, I love when your eyes begin glint How on earth do i assert Come out to you say this is how i feel You’re hearts been broken a few times will you wonder if my words are real Youre smile is uplifting and contagious Every song you play is outrageous With your words you’ll take one on an adventure Im slowly beginning to find my center You laugh, you care, you hug, You annoy me to death like some kind of bug But never have i met some one so unique So themselves that it makes one’s soul weak You inspire Give passion its fire, Wipe the tears, youre always there A shoulder to lean on you care You are stronger than you know You always hold on, not willing to let go You fight, you challenge, you discuss Taging along on your advetures is a must You ask questions Make up spectulations Get the whole room speaking And the notes of the piano are leaking Theres always something to present Dont know if this will ever be meant But i wrote it anyway, Wanted a chance to say Babe you matter.

[unwrittennat-naticat]

Check out my poem

[skinylilfae]

ED *recovery* tips

🌸Ive been using intermittent fasting in order to feel in control of my food and weight while still eating closer to 1200 calories a day.

🌸Remind yourself that you are sick and your perception of calories is skewed in the wrong direction- 1200 calories is what people trying to lose weight typically eat. You can eat 1000 calories everyday for a week and you won't gain significant weight (maybe if you've been starving at 0-600 calories for months and even then you deserve energy and nutrition)

🌸Imagine yourself as a child or your best friend- would you tell 12 year old you (or any child) that they shouldn't eat lunch or dinner because they are fat and worthless? Would you laugh at your bff and tell them to put down that scone and starbucks because #thinisin? I hope not.

Its okay to eat. Your body needs it.

Dying isn't worth it.

[sweet-like-bones]

if im skinny, will you like me?

if my skins stretched across my bones like a drying canvas, will you see me?

if i paint myself with scars and decorate my cheeks with tears, will you notice me?

if i fold myself against the wall and scream as loud as i can, will you hear me?

if i just told you what i needed, would you listen to me?

...

you should love me.

you should love me because i cant.

i hate myself

...

i hate myself.

i hate myself.

i hate myself

i hate myself

i hate myself

ihate myself

i hate myself

i hhate myself

i hate myself

i hatemyself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myselfi hate.myyself ihate hate hate hTe hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE AHTE HATE HATE HATE HATE HAE HATE HATE

myself.

make me feel cared about.

make me feel loved.

im doing this all for you.

appreciate me.

love me.

i will be pretty

just for you.

:)

[writing-prompt-s]

[writing-prompt-s]

Nutrition Facts Merch - Available until November 26th! Get one for yourself or give it to someone this Christmas!

[Tees | Hoodies | Sweatshirts | Mugs | Posters]

(Click on a t-shirt for more options)

https://teespring.com/stores/nutrition-facts-merch

[fireflame789]

Can confirm they are great gifts.

[skinylilfae]

ED *recovery* tips

🌸Ive been using intermittent fasting in order to feel in control of my food and weight while still eating closer to 1200 calories a day.

🌸Remind yourself that you are sick and your perception of calories is skewed in the wrong direction- 1200 calories is what people trying to lose weight typically eat. You can eat 1000 calories everyday for a week and you won't gain significant weight (maybe if you've been starving at 0-600 calories for months and even then you deserve energy and nutrition)

🌸Imagine yourself as a child or your best friend- would you tell 12 year old you (or any child) that they shouldn't eat lunch or dinner because they are fat and worthless? Would you laugh at your bff and tell them to put down that scone and starbucks because #thinisin? I hope not.

Its okay to eat. Your body needs it.

Dying isn't worth it.

[stardustings]

intrigued by how much recovery is self discovery at its core. we tend to think of recovery as an absence of the illness, but the experience has actually been more the opposite: an emergence of the self, overshadowing the rest. the illness has shrunk, almost imperceptibly, and it hasn’t been a linear journey but the more i become, the harder it is for the illness to return. i take up the most space now.

[tai-korczak]

23 Emotions people feel, but can’t explain

Sonder: The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Opia: The ambiguous intensity of Looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.

Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.

Énouement: The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.

Vellichor: The strange wistfulness of used bookshops.

Rubatosis: The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.

Kenopsia: The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.

Mauerbauertraurigkeit: The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.

Jouska: A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.

Chrysalism: The amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm.

Vemödalen: The frustration of photographic something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist.

Anecdoche: A conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening

Ellipsism: A sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out.

Kuebiko: A state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence.

Lachesism: The desire to be struck by disaster – to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a fire.

Exulansis: The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.

Adronitis: Frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone.

Rückkehrunruhe: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness.

Nodus Tollens: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

Onism: The frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time.

Liberosis: The desire to care less about things.

Altschmerz: Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had – the same boring flaws and anxieties that you’ve been gnawing on for years.

Occhiolism: The awareness of the smallness of your perspective.

[jasminepeniel-deactivated202108]

love this words!!

[ri-mon-deactivated20170626]

Oh my gracious fotato! I need these

[quirkbooks]

[teachingliteracy]

quirkbooks:

Some motivational posters, for you NaNoWriMo participants.

YOU CAN DO IT! 

[aestheticdaydreaming]

This is Suits Studio, a tailoring company specializing in women’s suits. 

We specialize in suits, but we’re not dressing men.

[maneth985]

I’m ALL FOR THIS

[anais-ninja-bitch]

HERE. FOR. IT.

[this-too-too-sullied-flesh]

yes i am here for naked faceless men as background scenery

[bemusedlybespectacled]

@men who are all like “video games and comics are objectifying because the men are strong and muscular!”

no

this is what objectification looks like

not having a face. not being important. just a good looking collection of body parts.

[kristina-meister-deactivated202]

Damn….what do I have to do to be naked next to one of these gentlewomen?

And also all that stuff above.

[stimman4000]

.

[okaymad]

[womanifesting]

This is the meme content I like to see

[astrangertomykin]

let me tell u something chefs love memes about how a kitchen works and this one caused my entire kitchen to riot and my head chef sent it to all the area chefs in the company

[unwrittennat]

Happy Valentines day Nat!! I hope you have a wonderful amazing day!! You're such an inspiration!! Keep being you you amazing human!! 💛🧡

Was having a really off week and then I finally went into my inbox and this made my whole day

[ladysweetie-deactivated20190125]

[deathkis]

Drink white tea for breakfast, green tea for lunch, black tea for dinner & chamomile for bed.

[unwrittennat]

Precious boy, the only boy that matters in my life is this sweet boy. https://www.instagram.com/p/B3GcFgOnXAv/?igshid=1g4oe5sl9zify