Give Me Envy Give Me Malice

Give me your attention

[goawfma]

it was also supposed to be temporary 

[yeswevegotavideo]

IT WAS ALSO SUPPOSED TO BE TEMPORARY

[wholesomemes-archive]

you come into my house, you

treat me with respect (the way i treat you), and we both enjoy each other’s company and value each other’s friendship

[anxietyproblem]

[neyruto]

All you anti milkers are fools. Imagine a milkless world. No cakes nor pies. What are you putting in your coffee to cool it down? Water? Appley juice? I hate all of you.

[taylortut]

y’all know that john mulaney quote “the things crazy people say mean nothing to them but everything to me?”

every time i hear that quote, i think about how i got this light-up pen

[taylortut]

i got this pen four years ago when i was working as a barista at starbucks. I was on the registers and taking the order of this woman, who ordered a nonfat latte, because she was “watching her weight”

so this guy behind her, whom no one was talking to, for some fucking reason says “wathing your weight? but what about the wait for your watch?“ (which is a completely unhinged response. like just complete Mad Hatter nonsense)

anyway this lady gets really uncomfortable and of the five people (me, him, her, the other checker, and the customer at the other register) who were now sucked into the uncomfortable silence, i decided that i should alleviate the tension by saying “you can’t wait for a watch; you don’t have the time”

and then he said “oh, quick girl!”, gave me that pen, got out of line, and left without ordering anything 

[patron-saint-of-smart-asses-dea]

You pleased a mad fae trickster

[anxietyproblem]

[anexperimentallife]

The director of cybersecurity from the Electronic Freedom Foundation is offering to help women who have been threatened with compromise of their devices.

[littlewitchlingrowan]

I better see EVERYBODY reblogging this

[onlytwitterpics]

[cephalophor]

The first funny bitch was Cain, who straight up lied to God after killing his brother.

[nakedinasnowsuit]

God: where’s Abel?

Cain: fuck if I know??? I’m not in charge of him

[thewitchway]

It is TRAGIC that you can’t read this in the original Hebrew.

God:  Where’s the Sheepkeeper?

Cain: Do I LOOK like a Brotherkeeper? 

[careful-crow]

God: hey where’s Abel???

Cain:

[bettedavisgf]

my cat after i come home and immediately pick him up and swing him around calling him a fat little baby

[stream]

[hilarioushumorfromouterspace]

[drunp-archive-deactivated201711]

[justabitunlikely]

so who do I get in touch with about marrying obama’s speechwriter

[ethan-lawson-wate]

[thebootydiaries]

me: *carries cat out of my room for being naughty*

cat: *purrs*

me: you are being punished. Please do not purr. I love you

[veryfunnymemes]

[6eautiful]