The diary I never had

[ventebleck]

INKTOBER DAY 3: PATH

Running in the cold autumn, my lungs hurt, and my bones ache. I felt the contrast between the coldness of my surroundings hitting my body, with the hot blood of my wounds. I didn't know if I was going to survive, but I wanted to.

I wanted to live.

I could still hear the yelling. I could smell the fire. I could taste the desperation in the voice of the victims, begging to their captors, knowing damn well they were just wasting their breath.

I tried to fight, I tried to protect my people, but it was in vain. I was not strong enough, not fast enough, not brave enough. So I ran.

I knew I was being followed. I knew I did not have much time. My legs were falling me, and sooner or later I would stop, and they would catch me.

I was slower, I was weaker. I needed to think of something.

With the few forces that were left on my body, I sprinted as fast as I could until I found a small river. I jumped across, and kept on running onto the thick forest in front of me.

I lost all my energy quickly after that, and I collapsed on the ground, gasping for air. I expected the barbarians to find me, to hear their weapons, and to feel the cold steel on my skin.

But that never came. As I laid there on the forest ground, trying my best to get my breathing under control, I saw that I was alone. Around me only trees gave me company, and the only sound I could hear was the sound of wind through their leaves.

When I finally got up, I examined my surroundings with more detail. I realised then that the trees surrounded me in a circle—I couldn't see where I came from. The river was not far away, and yet I could not see it or even hear it anymore.

Then I took a step forward, and I froze in fear. When I walked, the trees in front of me disappeared, and new ones appeared behind me, maintaining my body in a perfect circle of vegetation.

I didn't understand what was happening. Was I dead? Was I in purgatory? Did I hit my head when I collapsed on the ground, and I was dreaming all of this?

Even though the space around me before the trees prevented me from seeing further away was fairly large, I started to panic. I felt trapped, confined in a green enclosure.

My adrenaline kicking in, I started running once again. I was changing directions irrationally, feeling like I was going insane.

“Please!” I begged, looking up at the blue sky, “Let me out of here! Anyone!”

I fell on my knees, desperation creeping in. What was better, to die from a gunshot or via starvation? At least the first option was faster, right?

Tears were falling down my cheeks. I felt bleak, desolate, depressed…

Until I wasn't any more. I was still crying, but I felt the sadness stuck in my throat, without being able to express it. My mind was calm, fully alert on my surroundings; It felt like I was forced to feel at peace, not able to express anything else.

What the hell was going on?

The trees in front of me began disappearing, creating a small trail. I got up, the tears still flowing, unable to stop myself as I move forward.  As I walked, slowly this time, I could see how the grass began slowly fading into a stone road, that I didn't notice before.

With my mind calm, I could even see faces in the trees. Faces hidden, and not entirely human, but something told me that it was okay, that they were just curious; and against my better judgement, I moved forward.

I don't know for how long I followed that path. I just know that at what point, my tears dried, and this weird, unfamiliar peacefulness faded slowly, until my own calmness took control. It was also dark—I could already see stars and the occasional peek of the moon through the clouds.

During that time, those faces got closer a couple of times, empowered by my compliance, and then I could tell that they were everything but human. Four long limbs, and an even longer body. A smile that never left their face. Long, white hair and big, yellow eyes that, sometimes, were the only thing you could see between the trees.

I believed that they could sense my feelings. When they got closer the first time, not even the powerful feelings of composure could subdue my growing fear, and once I started being afraid, they disappeared, like they weren't there in the first place. Maybe that's why I couldn't see them before.

After a couple more tries, I was calm enough for them to finally get closer. They just looked at me, like they had never seen a human being before. Then, they got back to look at me from the trees once again, their eyes never leaving my side.

I arrived at what it seemed like the end of the path. It just abruptly stopped, and grass continued on like nothing. I felt confused for a moment. Perhaps I should've gone the other way around instead?

Before I could turn the other way, one of those… creatures, got closer. It was bigger, slowly walking towards me, almost slithering. Their limbs reminding me of the hind legs of horses, but without their hooves—It just stopped at one point, like four stump legs.

Once the creature was in front of me, they got their neck down to look into my eyes. Their smile was bigger, with more teeth than the other ones, and I smiled too, feeling more awkward than scared.

When I did that, the creature's smile got even bigger, but this time it felt genuine. The creature then turned around, and started to leave. I noticed how the trees didn't mysteriously move any more. Whatever strange occurrence was happening before no longer applied.

I thought about going back to my village, or whatever was left of it, but I knew that there was nothing or no one left for me there. In the best case scenario, I would find empty streets, and I would have to rebuild the town alone—in the worst case scenario, the barbarians would still be there, and I would be killed on the spot.

The big creature was still moving, all the other ones following it, finally not looking at me. I knew then that they were trying to get me there—that they were guiding me, but to what?

I looked at the ground. The stone path stopped, and in the grass now you could see the stomprints of the creature.

I looked ahead, and I followed them.

[orofeaiel]

Pinewood Gingertail

[ventebleck]

INKTOBER DAY 2: SPIDER

I was born. I had all my brothers and sisters next to me, existing for the first time. I never met them, however, as my instincts took over.

Get out of here.

And so I did. I move into a random direction, as did my thousand siblings. Our mother lay there, dead from exhaustion. I would never have met her. But fortunately, before passing, she gave each and every one of us the necessarily nutrients to survive for a while.

And my only concern was to survive.

I ran through the vast forest of grass that surrounded me. I hid from the birds, those vicious animals, and others who would try to eat me. I didn't blame them, however, as I understood that in this life, it is eat or be eaten.

Once I grew up, and the nutrients provided for me were long since forgotten, I made my first web. It was clumsy, and it could barely catch anything, but it was home.

I was a fast learner, and I was able to quickly improve on my craft. I was very proud of my accomplishments, and although I sometimes felt bad about the prey I captured, I knew that if I didn't, I would not survive much longer.

Once, during the summer, I stumbled upon a gigantic construction. In there, I could see giants I had never seen before. They scared me, so I tried my best to stay out of their way. That was, until I notice it.

Every day I saw how mosquitos surrounded the family (I assumed they were, as the giants were always close to each other, as other living beings I've seen in my life). At first, I assumed they had some sort of symbiotic relationship, but i quickly realized that was not the case. The mosquitos were biting them, and in turn, annoyed, the giants would kill them.

I felt bad for those insects. I knew that the blood they needed was used to feed their younglings, but I also understood the reactions of the giants.

There and then, a plan was formed. I could help those giants. I could make a web, a big one, and I could capture the mosquitos. The giants would not be harassed by the insects, and I would not have to worry about the food that I needed.

And so I did. I created a big, beautiful web, the best web I had ever made. For a while, everything was going according to plan. I had my meals, and I was growing faster and faster; the giants seemed happier, not having as many of those buzzing insects around them.

One day, when I was in my web, sleeping, I head a scream. I woke up as I saw one of the giants, looking at me, an expression of terror across their face. I didn't have time to react, to understand what was going on, before the taller giant appear with something on their hand.

They pushed a button, and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I tried to stay on my web, but my forces were leaving me, and I fell to the ground. With my blurry vision I could see how they were destroying my web, my home, with just a fast movement, as if it were nothing.

I wanted to leave, to scape, but I was stuck to the floor, and I still couldn't breathe.

I did not understand. Why did I do wrong? Why were they hurting me? I understood killing someone because you need substance, a food to survive. I understood killing someone because they are hurting you, taking your recourses, your blood. But I was helping! Weren't they happier without other insects bothering them? I was helping!

As I laid there, I slowly gave up. That's how my life would end, on the hands of the ones I tried to help.

As the darkness and coldness surrounded me, the last thing I saw was the look of pure disgust and hatred that the one that screamed gave me. And I realized that they never saw me as anything else other than another mosquito, another pest that bother them.

[ventebleck]

Inktober day 1: Dream

I cannot draw for the life of me, so i thought about still participating on it, but with a writing, instead. Enjoy!

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When I was a child, I dreamt about being a mermaid, and being able to breathe underwater, seeing all kinds of fishes, coral, and sea life. I dreamt about waking up with a pair of beautiful white wings, and flying in the sky next to the birds that, familiar with the winds, would show me the ropes. I dreamt about having a magical door that only I could open, that went into a perfect room, full of toys, and food and water; a magical place to just exist on my own.

It wasn't until I was older, that I realized all those dreams had something in common: In all of them, I was alone. Not only that, but I was escaping humanity. I wasn't going to find any other person deep underwater, or in the high sky, or in a hidden room only I knew how to enter. Alone is safety, after all.

Now, I am an adult; I have friends and colleagues and I study and I work: and yet my dreams have not changed. Instead of a room full of toys, now I dream about a tiny flat, with plants, and maybe a cat. It's different, yes, but the core value it's still about having my own place, mine to do whatever I want.

Growing up, I was the youngest daughter. My sister, ten years older than me, left home when I was thirteen. I had my own room, and although most of my clothes and toys were hand-me-downs from either her or my cousins, I could say in my childhood I felt more like an only child.

Why, then, would I still want to hide, dreaming about my own space? Why did I feel like my own room wasn't really mine?

Maybe if I could breathe underwater, or maybe if I could fly, people would like me, instead of ignoring me, or being mean to me. Maybe if I had my own, private space, I could hide, so I wouldn't see those angry eyes staring down at me every time I ask for something.

And even now, when I feel alone, I can't help it but also feel at ease. Alone protects me. Alone is safe.

[ventebleck]

Slow life – dream life

I'm a university student with a part-time job, like the vast majority of students, I believe. This past week, however, was the Exam-week, so we didn't have classes, just the two-three hours that lasted your exam.

This week I've only been working, and then I've been spending the afternoon doing household chores, like moping, going grocery shopping… I've also been making plans with some friends of mine that I haven't seen in ages.

I love it. This slow pace life, being able to do chores without any rush, having all my worries be about what will I make for dinner, being able to walk and have the sun touch me. I've been taking care of my plants and cleaning up the house and relaxing for the first time since forever.

I guess in another life I would've enjoyed being a stay-at-home-wife. I don't mind spending lots of time alone at home, it rarely feels lonely to me, and if I did get lonely I could just go take a yoga or pottery class I guess.

But I know that in today's climate doing that, even if i worked part-time like now, would be impossible. We need more money every year to just survive, and unless I married rich (and as much as we all want to, that's highly unlikely too) that is a dream that will not come true.

Eventually my studies will end, and I will move alone or with a partner, having both a full-time job, trying to balance time with them, household chores, taking care of pets…

But for now, I get to enjoy calming afternoons after work, trying new recipes and feeling free, something I haven't felt in a long, long time.

[ventebleck]

I use to live in Enschede, as I was searching for posts that Enschede has been tagged in I came across yours. How do you experience Enschede since you mentioned to be studying there?

I haven't experienced Enschede yet, since I'll move there next September, but I'm very excited. I'm also very nervous because it will be my first time living alone (I'm still living with my mother). Any advice you can give me? 😅

[ventebleck]

I want to be loved

I want to be loved. I want to be loved the way they describe it in the books I found too cheesy to read when I was younger.

I want to be hugged from behind, and feel the tiny kisses they leave in my neck. I want to be cuddled while we watch a movie, and make stupid commentary throughout, not even once wondering if I'm being annoying.

I want to know that when I feel upset because of something they did, they will try to understand and apologize, even if that thing was small or stupid or not worth their time.

I want to hold hands and feel close to them even when we're with their friends, like they are telling me that I'm still important, that they are with me no matter the circumstance.

I want to kiss them, and feel their skin close to mine, without the expectation of sex afterwards. To be able to feel closer to them without the fear of making them feel disappointed when I just want to hug, and nothing else.

I want to look into each other’s eyes, and see their love for me. I want them to be able to express with words how much I mean to them, the same way I’d know how to express my devotion for them.

I want random I love you’s, acts of kindness, I want to be remembered randomly while they were grocery shopping and receive a text with a photo of a pizza or candy with the caption “Saw your favourite and made me think of you”.

I want to be taken care of when I’m sick, I want to be put in bed, to be kissed in the forehead, and know they’ll be there when I wake up.

I want long conversations about stupid things, and even longer conversations about important stuff that need to be talked about.

I want to feel respected, loved, needed, and wanted. I want to be understood and appreciated.

I want someone to look me in the eyes, both hands on both my cheeks, and tell me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world.

I want to love, and I want to be loved.

[ventebleck]

I'll study abroad!

It's finally official, next September I will be an exchange student, and I'll spend 6 months in another country without knowing anyone there. I'm afraid lol.

I'm excited, of course; It's an opportunity to meet new people (god knows I need help with that), and have a taste of what it's like living alone. Of course, studying and doing chores and just, living, I guess.

But I'm also scared. I've seen that even just rooms are very expensive to rent, and i don't have that kind of money. I'll start working until i leave, but I don't know how the renting, food, clothes, and all that will go. Stay tuned, I suppose!

Also, the place I'll go is a small city in the Netherlands, but it's actually closer to Germany than to anything else in the country, lol. It's called Enschede, and it's beautiful. Look!

I'm not used to snow or cold, and i'll go during winter. I've never been to a place with temperatures below 0 degrees! Help lol.

I've been told that the university where I'll go is kinda disorganized, but I've discovered that in this uni and this city they take good care of exchange students. They have an Instagram Account dedicated to informing people of new activities and stuff to do, and I think that's amazing! One example is a post about how if you stay during Christmas, they have “Winter Buddies” to enjoy doing stuff with, like going ice skating. How adorable is that?

Honestly, as long as i figure out my money/renting/food issue, I know I will have a great time. Plus, it's only 2 and a half hours away from Amsterdam by train, I will go there on the weekends If I don't have anything better to do lol. I have six months to do whatever I want! (Well, not whatever, you know what i mean).

I want to go there now, I'm excited. Wish me luck!

[ventebleck]

Growing up

Since I can remember, I've always wanted to grow up, to be able to live on my own in a tiny flat, maybe with a cat. People always told me to cherish being a kid, that it gets more difficult as time went on.

Well, I'm an adult now. I go to university, but I've also worked on different office jobs related to what I'm studying, and let me tell you: it's amazing.

Yeah, sure, I only work for 4 hours a day instead of the usual 8 (cuz again, I have to go to uni); but it's so easy compared to studying for exams or doing stupid essays because the professor didn't have enough to teach.

Some days are full of stuff to do, and you don't even realize when you're out, those days are incredible. But then slow days come, and you get to chill out in your office all day! How cool is that? (Just make sure it seems like you're doing stuff, lol).

Honestly, it makes me want to finish university, so I can have a normal office job, rent a flat, and just enjoy life lol.

But I have a long way to go, so I better keep studying for my finals, lol.

[ventebleck]

hey, same anon who told you to check out ai_curio. i thought they had their ai art misinfo tweet pinned to their profile but i was wrong, so check out reachartwork (their tumblr). they created a discord for those interested in ethical creation of ai art.

Answering just so more people can search up @reachartwork on here. Thank you again for informing me!

[ventebleck]

sorry you're getting anti-ai art hate. people need to realize that corporations are the problem, not people doing ai art for themselves. check out ai_curio on twitter btw. there's a lot of misinfo regarding ai art going around.

Oh, it's okay, I don't mind the hate, I just personally don't understand why they insult me just because I disagree with them. I'm sure there are better ways to go about this.

I already said in my first post about this that I understand how Ai art can be bad for actual artists, but I (a person that uses it purely for fun and to make cute scenery) find it helpful. I know that the real problem are the corporations, as you said, but people seem to have skipped that part of my post.

Also, thank you for the recommendation, I'll check that out right now! <3

[ventebleck]

Wow! You're pathetic! Get your ai garbage out of the #artists on tumblr tag

You should seriously consider why you are insulting and getting mad at a random stranger on a random social media just because I happen to disagree with you.

Next time, try to breathe and have a normal discussion with someone, maybe even answer their questions, before getting irrationally angry at them. I'm sure that will help you have better interpersonal relationships.

[ventebleck]

u did not make that. u did not, in the least make that.

I already stated how I made it. I'm not saying that made it all, 100% of the content, because that would be a lie.

What I did was mixing and changing previous content already made by someone else (in the pf pic case, my own) and creating something new entirely with the help of an AI.

But we're going in circles here. You already know that, yet you keep saying this is not true. I'm sure that is because you think that, since it's not credited, it's stolen and not true art.

I'm not saying I do not agree with you, because I believe you are partially right. But then, why don't you answer my question? What can be done about it?

If we cannot expect a person to credit each and every person they saw that influenced their style (even if just a little), I don’t think it will be an easy job for the AI, that has seen millions and trillions of different art, don't you think?

The same way my friend, let's call her Ana, cannot for the life of her remember everyone or everything that taught her how to draw and make her current style, how can an AI? What? You want a 40-page-long PDF of how many paintings, photos and media has it seen to be able to draw an arm? I'm not too savvy with computers, but I don't think this could be done, and absolutely no one would look at it either.

So, how should we improve it?

[ventebleck]

you didn't draw anything, you didn't do anything, you didn't make anything. you used a computer program that is fundamentally built by stealing the work of hundreds of thousands of artists without their permission for no pay so that companies can turn profits and further devalue the work of actual artists. if you want to know how artists do what they do? they spend years and decades honing their work. ai art is a parasite.

As I said in the text, to make my profile picture I had to first draw a (very rudimentary) face, so the AI could make it into the cute character she is now. So I did draw something. I would show it, but I rather not embarrass myself, lol.

And if you're talking about the scenery and the face, you can go to Artbreeder (where I made those two pictures) and see where did the AI take the inspiration. Artbreeder has a baseline (a base of a woman's face, a base of a place…) and then the users like you and me can change stuff inside to make the original different.

As you can see, it tracks the original image like a cute family tree, and if you click on them, you can see who made it and when.

But also, you said “companies can turn profits and further devalue the work of actual artists”. Aren't artists constantly copying (consciously or unconsciously) the work of other artists to sell their work and have profit? And if they are working on a business, isn't their success and profit the company's as well? And has that person credited any of the hundreds of the art that they have seen, that cultivated their style?

I agree that everything should be properly tagged, and the original creators should be acknowledged, like what thispersondoesnotexist does.

But if we cannot expect a person to credit each and every person they saw that influenced their style (even if just a little), I don't think it will be an easy job for the AI, that has seen millions and trillions of different art.

Jobs evolve, and some become obsolete. I don't think this will be the case for writers, artists, programmers, or copywriters. Their job can be done with machines, sure, but is what we want is the people behind us, the humanity of it all. Sampling didn't end the music industry. Autotune also didn't end the music industry. Why should AI do it?

[ventebleck]

Talentless art

I've always been useless at drawing, never improves no matter how much I tried. I basically have the same drawing style that when I was 5 years old.

I've always envied my friends, so talented, creating entire worlds just by thinking about them and then, somehow, portraying it on paper or on the computer. How? How is that possible?

And then Ai art became a thing. Suddenly, even a useless person like me could “draw” something. Make something that resembles what I've been thinking but couldn't translate to the real world.

And so I created. I made my profile pic on here by drawing a stick figure with some characteristics (like the green hair) and letting and AI help. I've made come to life beautiful sceneries that help me with my writing, since now i can see where my characters are.

I understand that AI art can be bad for actual good artists. But for me? I love every second of it.

I did that. I made that, and i'm so happy.

[ventebleck]

Piece of heaven

Prompt: Describe a place one might feel safe.

My home is my favourite place to be. What once was an almost dilapidated conglomeration of walls and the occasional broken window, was now a beautiful palace for a small family of three.

The walls that barely covered any surface where now full of pictures of our family and friends, paintings my grandmother made, and other mementos that serve as a conversation pieces. The floors, which before were just plain dirt, now had marble, rugs, and the occasional toy our dog completely forgot about. The windows also had some decoration, an easy-to-clean paint to have some cute decor to celebrate the festivities.

Our furniture was at first cheap and practical, as I’m sure happens in every house when It’s getting ready to be filled and lived in. But eventually slowly replaced by more comfortable desks and chairs, warm-toned lams, soft cushions and pillows that invite you to relax and unwind.

What once was an uncomfortable futon on the ground, is now a beautiful living room, with direct light every golden hour, that bathes the space in an orange, vibrant light. I’m sure the plants love it more than I do.

The house is nestled in a quiet and peaceful neighbourhood, surrounded by trees and green spaces. The air is fresh and clean, with the gentle sounds of birds singing and leaves rustling in the breeze. Occasionally, you can hear the laughter of children playing outside, if the day is sunny enough.

The neighbours are funny and nice, and we usually make barbecues or brunch, tea, or trivia night. Whatever excuse we find so we can see us and talk about our lives – and hey, everything is better with food, right?

Our home is no shy of visitors. It’s always filled with the comforting sounds of laughter and conversation, as family members and friends gather to spend time together. The strive to make the atmosphere relaxed and informal, with everyone feeling at ease and comfortable in each other's company. I want my company to feel like they can be themselves here, in the way I couldn’t be at my old house.

But my favourite thing about our home is not the conversations or the decorations; it’s not the reading corner we made for our little one, filled with her drawings and poems. It’s not our vegetable-patch outside in the garden, or the weekly date nights me and my spouse enjoy.

My favourite thing about this home, weirdly enough, is how much was enjoyed back then. How every time we came back to fix the walls or the windows, we found an old photograph, or a torn-up doll, old memories of the people that once lived here. Being able to once again enjoy the home that, long ago, another family enjoyed, brings me joy.

I love this little piece of heaven.

[ventebleck]

They fired me

I went to work on Monday like I usually do—or did, I guess.

The buses didn't work, so I had to take the train, which arrived late, as usual. I was rushing because my boss told me to come to work an hour earlier. I didn't ask questions.

When I arrived, I smiled and apologized for coming late. I didn't get time to even sit at my desk before my boss blurted out that I was not needed any more. That I was going home.

It took me by surprise.

I asked why, and she just said “I've also been fired from places with no explanation”. That was it.

I had 20 minutes to grab my things and to give them my work computer, because she had to go to another place and was in a rush. I wasn't even comprehending what was going on until I was at the train again.

Almost a week later, I still don't understand. We were like family, at least that was my perception of things. We joked around and talked about personal things. Hell, they told me “to have a great weekend”, and “see you Monday!” like they didn't intend to fire me two days after.

I loved that job. It was fun, and interesting, and i've learned a lot. I thought we were even starting to be something close to friends. But I guess not.

I don't know what to do. Of course, the answer is to find another job, but I still keep thinking about why would they want to fire me. Wasn't I doing a good enough job? Was I too chatty? They never said anything negative about me; if they would've, I would've fixed it. I would0ve shut up, I would''e've done more work. I thought I was doing it right. I was so happy.