Sex stuff you probably wonāt learn from fanfiction and/or porn:
Erotic fic and porn can be a lot of fun! But if you arenāt being provided with adequate sex ed through other channels (comprehensive sexual education, frank and open discussions with trusted adults, etc.), turning to fanfic and porn for your understanding of sex is gonna leave some major blindspots and may leave you with some unrealistic expectations. While thereās nothing wrong with these kinds of erotica, they are fictional and tend to leave out a lot of the more realistic, human parts of sex - they serve a great purpose, but that purpose isnāt primarily educational. The following is an incomplete list of some things you should probably know about sex that a lot of fic and porn tends to leave out:
It isnāt always super hot or super sweet. Sometimes itās super silly. Or sometimes itās sort of mundane and youāre both simply scratching an itch. Thatās fine too. (Hell, sometimes youāre talking about comic books while boning and your partner is laughing that youāre getting REALLY ANGRY about spider-man while theyāre going to town on you.)
You will probably not climax at the same moment. Itās a sweet idea, but extremely hard to coordinate, and if all your concentration is going into coming at the exact same moment, youāre probably not enjoying yourselves as much as you might.Ā
Sometimes bodies make weird, goofy noises. Squelching, slapping, air-escaping, un-sexy noises. Itās okay to laugh at this.Ā
Hell, itās okay to laugh during sex in general.
Sometimes you fart. Sometimes you fart while someone is going down on you and it is embarrassing as hell. This isnāt the end of the world. Embarrassing body things happen. Heck, sometimes, with anal, thereās a little poo. You get over it.
Sometimes sex isā¦ kinda bad? This doesnāt mean itās assault, or something traumatic ā sometimes itās consensual but just kinda bleh and not what you hoped for. The best thing to do (if youāre talking about sex with a partner and not just a hook up who you can not call back) is talk to them about it. Figure out what went wrong, what you enjoy and what you donāt, and communicate what techniques you do and donāt like. Also donāt be afraid to stop someone in the middle of the sex act youāre not enjoying and offer guidance on how to help make it good for you too. (Side tip: masturbation makes great research into what you personally do and donāt enjoy sexually)
You wonāt enjoy every sex act. Not every body is wired to find every thing pleasurable. You might find anal does nothing for you. You may find g-spot stimulation just makes you really anxious that youāre about to pee. You may not enjoy giving or receiving oral. Youāre not broken if you donāt like something that every pornstar or smutty fanfic protagonist seems to have earth-shattering orgasms from. Everyoneās got nerve endings in a range of places ā itās quite literally, different strokes for different folks.
On that note, not all orgasms are earth-shattering. Sometimes it just feels warm and nice. Thatās fine too.Ā
Sometimes, if youāre neutral on a sex act and your partner loves it, you can suck it up for them, and theyāll suck up something theyāre not crazy about for your pleasure in return. But communicate preferences with each other! Know that when a partner does that thing you love that they donāt get much from, that itās an act of care, and vice versa.Ā
Falling asleep in each otherās arms right after wild passionate sex seems really romantic, but dried and crusty fluids are gonna be a bitch in the morning. Also, after sex, you should both (regardless of your equipment) go pee to clear out the urethra of any gunk or bacteria to reduce risk of a UTI.Ā
Putting a towel down on the bed before sex means you donāt have to sleep on wet funky sheets. (itās also verrrrrry useful for period sex if you or your partner menstruate.)
A lot of people donāt like dirty talk, or rough sex. Always ask first. (Fanfic on the whole does a better job than porn at showing communication, but a lot of it is still highly fictive on this point)
PROTECTION PROTECTION PROTECTION. Use condoms, dental dams, etc. not just to prevent pregnancy, but to reduce risk of STIs. (Yes, even couples with the same genitals who donāt need to worry about pregnancy).
Lube is great and very important, but random goopy things around you are not good lube. Random oils especially, since oil doesnāt flush out well and can trap bacteria inside the body ā oil-based lubricant also degrades condoms. Use lube specifically designed for intimate purposes. Water-based and silicone-based lubes help sex feel really good!
Bigger isnāt necessarily better. A lot of people with vaginas donāt enjoy the feeling of being repeatedly punched in the cervix by a monster cock. Some people enjoy a larger size when being penetrated by an appendage or toy and some donāt.
Bodies are hairy. Genitals are hairy. You may get a pube stuck in your teeth at some point. If your partner is WAY fuzzier than porn ever led you to believe theyād be, well, thatās normal.Ā
Not everyone loves the taste of ejaculate. Sometimes itās nasty (flavor tends to vary from person to person depending on their diet, but sometimes you just really donāt like it no matter what. Some of us hate the taste of peanut butter. People donāt always like things). Itās okay not to swallow, or to request a penis-having partner warn you so they donāt ejaculate in your mouth (in fact, itās polite for them to do the latter).Ā
If youāre gonna have shower sex, get one of those rubbery mats for the shower floor that gives you traction, because otherwise itās super embarrassing to call for an ambulance while dripping wet and naked because you slipped and accidentally broke something and your partner got a concussion while you were trying to bang in the shower.Ā
Moaning and screaming wildly during sex is fun but it will make the neighbors in the apartments adjacent to you hate you. Make choices accordingly.Ā
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