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@venting-into-the-very-void
Why is it sooo hard to have people at your home?
Istg I've had 2 meltdowns, my mom has had 5 and counting, in THREE DAYS?
Both the mothers (mine and my friend's) have locked horns, neither of us are actually studying (which we're supposed to), and friend's brother is about 101% done with this shit
Seriously half of these problems wouldn't happen if friend's mother showed some basic respect and understanding. Honestly it's not even my mum's fault for feeling the invasion of boundaries, it's too much for me too, and now she's walked out and I'm still panicking because what even am I supposed to do/say that doesn't immediately turn into an argument?
Like, can adults be reasonable people???
Warning: I'm writing this while feeling extremely anxious and overthinking extensively, and also paranoid, so it's an accumulation of bad days.
I'm fine right now, mostly. Nothing major (or visible), which is why I can type instead of curling into a ball and hyperventilating (though my hands hurt for no reason)
Content: Exam stress, worrying about the future, all that jazz
they say you can't pour from an empty cup but i've been doing it my whole life and aside from all of these mysterious ailments it's working out great for me
I dont know man
everything feels heavy now
i got the result of this really difficult exam come out today. The scores werent great, but better than what someone with no prep would score. I was excited for it, ngl. but, in the end, it didn't really feel like it mattered. or anything did, for that matter.
i tried asking for help, multiple times. the email thing, its been two months now, ive given up on it. but i still hope that maybe i will get an actual response. thats stupid
i dont do anything now. im supposed to study, but i dont. Finals are literally starting this week, and i dont feel like studying.
I tried writing, and drawing, and that whole translation gimmick. It worked for like 2 days before back to square one.
I've been struggling to eat a bit. Not like I don't have an appetite, I just cant bring myself to get up.
I haven't done anything drastic. Hell, I don't do anything at all. Just lie around, lying that I am putting an effort when I'm really not
I know its probably just exam stress, but dam I wish it didnt hit so much. I want things to be normal. I want to smile, i want to be able to get up without feeling tired, and 10 hours of sleep be enough instead of rotting all day.
why do i keep lying? Saying everything is fine, that im doing my best, when I'm not? why do I feel tired every single day? Itd be better if I wasnt so exhausted.
So, thanks to @i-dont-know-one-bit I finally decided to try a verifiable online counselling service that's available for my location, because 988 isn't, but this one's similar, except it doesn't have a chat service, only call and email. And I am weirdly allergic to phone calls.
Remind me again why writing about wanting help to someone who can actually help is so difficult? Writing is my thing you know.
Still, I'm going ahead with it (writing a mail that is). Please let this go well.
(Also update for @palatablepain :3)
I am so depressed.
I don't know how I've managed to live this long.
Every time I have something nice something equally bad comes up during and afterwards, and I'm pretty sure a lot of it is emotional instability and mental health problems rather than an event.
Everything had just seemed so tired and useless most of my life. I'm pretty sure that as a kid I had major depressive disorder. Fueled by needing to make myself believe in God and Catholicism in order to quell anxiety and keep my parents from being emotionally unstable over my spiritual state, I knew by the time I was still in single digits that if God didn't exist, I might as well kill myself, because there would be no purpose to my suffering, no person at the end of the road to give me the ultimate feeling of being okay.
The dark and cold, the cracked and burning skin, the itchy eyes, the exhaustion, the lack of motivation, the feeling of needing the sun in order to exist, the dependence on sugary foods, the smiling at things because the surface-level emotions are still there, the looking at my siblings and realizing the futility and fakeness of their lives, realizing that my mom's pain was something I was going to have to help manage for her for the rest of her life ....
Piling on the outright abuse and actual bad things that happened ....
The actual loss of volition, the being forced to attend a university I hated, the knowledge that I'd never reach the career goals I told people I had in order to make them think I was responsible, the gradual loss of my ability to move, the labor in each breath, the insane pressure inside my body, my dad's torture tactics, falling in love over and over again with the father my dad wanted me to think he was, the annoyed rejections of adults I asked for help, the intimidation and harassment from my dad, the lack of knowledge of me that the adults who most influenced my life had ...
The lack of any of my dreams coming true for long enough to sustain my need to feel ok constantly ...
The failure of anti-depressants, anxiolytics, and other psychological, neurological, and physical medications to provide enough relief to make me feel as if I could say anything for certain...
The way surface-level things such as art and talking with people online are the only ways in which I can have fairly consistent joy that doesn't hurt me mentally and physically ...
The way I can measure my emotions only by the way I feel about my latest achievement ...
The uncertainty about what is really going on with this major depressive disorder ...
The failure of a CPTSD diagnosis and putting the phrase "sexual harassment" to some of the less bad things my ex-families did to me ...
I'm just so lost most of the time
Gone in my head
Falling through the looking-glass that is each atom
Hating most people with a burning longing
Needing so, so, so much, snd never having it all
Overwhelmed to the point of illness when anything I want does happen
🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸
We will find Joy Sis. I know it’s hard, but if you keep going I’ll keep going with you. I believe the life you live has mattered. I think you’re worth more than the environment around you implied. I know it can’t be fixed overnight, but things can get better. There is no way to avoid all pain, but with intention I truly believe we can add some joy back. I’m so proud of you, I want you to have all the peace and rest you can get. I’m so glad I met you
You see me. 🫂🌻☺️
no idea how to say this, but just know that we'll get out of this storm together, layer by layer like an onion :3
"will you judge me for not showering?" no
"will you judge me for not brushing my teeth?" no
"will you judge me for not flossing?" no
"will you judge me for being weird?" no
"will you judge me for looking weird?" no
"will you judge me for my symptoms?" no
"will you judge me for setting boundaries?" no
"will you judge me for my disorders?" no
"will you judge me for my trauma?" no
"will you judge me for gaining weight?" no
"will you judge me for losing weight?" no
"will you judge me for hurting myself?" no
"will you judge me?" never <3
If you're reading this, I am talking to you. This is for you. I promise you are not a secret outlier.
school has drained my mana to dangerously low levels I need potion of mana and The Ritual to recover (a cup of warm tea and a cozy day under the blanket)
Under a cut because this is super long and repetitive and I have said this shit a 1000 times before, but I need to write it down instead of keeping in my head. This is written on a bad day, and I do work on my mental health a lot more now, but I think I need a therapist because it is too difficult to deal with on my own.
Ok, I don't think bottling up my feelings or attempting to express them poetically is going to help anymore (or at all). So, let's get rid of this stupid thing that is called guilt and get on with it shall we?
I mean, I'll probably address the first thing, which is the fact that my brain is stuck in this cycle of "I'm tired- I'm pretty sure I am not emotionally well- I should ask for therapy- What will I say?- I know how to deal with it- Why do I need it?- I'm not depressed", and honestly sometimes I can't seem to get out of it even with reasoning like "sometimes you can't deal with your problems on your own".
Also, I am convinced I have been too self-obsessed and think and talk about myself too much and should stop but again I can't seem to, and because of this I'm neglecting everyone I care for, and so I don't talk about these thoughts which again continues this other cycle.
As for home, what can I say? Mom is dealing with lots of grief, and I'm pretty sure her clinical depression has not only relapsed but gotten worse in the past year. Add in the university politics, the fact that we're sinking in debt without covering the basic cost of living, and raising a teenager without the security of her getting into a good medical college and not being able to save up for tuition in case she doesn't get a scholarship (which given the competition is very likely), and you have this stressed and depressed ball of fur. Also said teenager keeps forcing her way of life onto the lady, like can't a woman be worried to death about her daughter and not want to heal the wounds she has because no therapist, or doctor for that matter, will truly understand her? Because she tried, she did, but she was always dismissed.
And it hurts, because I can't understand her no matter how much I try to, and I want to help. I want to earn and give her a comfortable life, but that won't happen till next year. She won't even start her life if I don't get the college she wants me to get, which no pressure at all, why should I be worried about the fact that she will move to wherever I get my college because she can't even think about breathing without me, why should I be stressed that my mom literally doesn't do anything for herself because she's waiting for me to go to college in order to start pursuing her dreams and wants? Why would I take any stress about the fact that we're barely living hand-to-mouth, that my mom wouldn't even go to the doctor until she absolutely has to but will take me to the doctor when I so much as have a cough, that I'm pursuing medicine but my mother hates doctors but wants to see me as one because I won't be like the rest of them, that she's rotting from the inside and I should just focus on my studies because two lives depend on it?
Because I'm the daughter, not the mother. I'm the daughter, I should have my own life, I should not take the responsibility of my mother because she's an adult and I'm a child, I should think about my future, and should be independent and make my own choices instead of relying on her, my mom will help me pursue whatever dream I want because she never forced anything on me and my dreams are my own. But also she has seen me only as a doctor and in the air force like I said I would be when I was 4 years old (even though after that I gave her like 50 other 'dreams'), there's no one who truly understands my mother except me and I'm her venting point as much as she is mine, and she never hid anything from me because I don't judge (which by the way, do you know how much that hurts knowing that I have hidden an entire online persona from you, I feel like a cheater and a liar), and she has no one left except me.
Oh, also, knowing that I overreact on literally everything and that my mom is terrified that whatever she'll say will lead me to reacting aggressively is helping a lot, thanks/s
Oh and don't even get me started on my studies. Because even after all this has happened, I am just not putting in any effort to clear the exams because apparently I am 'stressed'. I lie at home all day, barely study 1-2 hours a day (and those are the good days), stare at my phone all day, even though I am at home on 'study leave'. I 'try', but if i was really trying I'd study more, I'd work hard, because it's not like I am writing either, am I? I'm neither working hard towards the goal I want to reach, nor 'pursuing my passions and interests'. I feel like and imposter. And the worst part is, that the impending doom of my mom's future sits on my head, but I am so selfish that because I'm not actually studying for my personal gain, I don't even put in an effort. Because I can't get serious about my studies. But I get good grades in school, so I can't even say that I'm actually rotting because no one would believe me. Everyone would just say, "You're just being too hard on yourself, even 8 hours of studying is too less for you, all of us are suffering and you aren't the only one, you chose PCMB, you chose your dreams but we were shoved with it, you have less pressure than we do", like I know you're all suffering too, doesn't mean I don't too. Only like, a few people actually see that I'm struggling, which I do appreciate, I just don't personally like the coddling and pity that comes with it. (I don't like pity in general so)
And I swear my school is really weird. I'm pretty sure that holding 2 hour long workshops on career counselling at the END of senior year somewhat takes your right to complain when the students say that school doesn't feel like a place to go and study. Also, there's so much student politics and shit going on with the students (like seriously get a life instead of ruining others'), and they're constantly creating a ruckus and starting petty fights that most of the time goes in resolving those issues than studying. I know my attendance is not that great, but I don't think constant taunts and intimidation is going to make me any more willing to go (from my classmates and juniors btw, the teachers said they'll manage because I'm smart, which further adds to the guilt). By the way, I also only have two friends who are each other's besties so I'm the third wheel, but I can't complain tbh because they're the best friends I have in school, and they're honest with me and accept me for who I am, but I feel like a burden to them even though they believe otherwise. Also my 'actual best friend' was friends with me because I score well and talked to her, not because she found me cool. And I am basically the therapist friend in my bus, so there's that (like imagine 10 more teens like me ranting about their day simultaneously).
Also the Indian education system (like most education systems) is trash, and it makes no sense to suddenly change the exam pattern 2 MONTHS before the nationally held exams that play an important part in our careers. Also, plenty people have complained about the competitive exams, so just know that the OVERALL clearance rate of NEET (the exam needed for applying to med schools in India) is 0.9%. And I am considered 'economically stable' (lol) and part of the majority group (so no advantages either), so that's even lesser for people like me.
You know what, let's also add the fact that I have some undiagnosed mental health disorders (MDD, anxiety, AuDHD), which is making this so much worse.
And by the way, did you know because of all this I can't even properly process my grandma's death? Or my emotions? And then I start crying for no reason at all, and then called a crybaby, or get aggressive and get called hysterical and a 'chudail' (which translates to witch but the horror movie kind), because my only personality trait is being too emotionally immature.
And I hate that I am not writing. Fuck writer's block.
So yeah, life's stressful, I have nothing and no one in real life that I can truly vent to, and I need professional help.
Have you tried looking up the 988 site or maybe trying to find some simple treatments?
I had once before , I think. Don't really remember why I didn't use it back then.
Thank you for the reminder girlie :)
Huh.
One of the weird aspects of having a pseudonym.
You dissociate yourself from that person. A lot.
Sometimes I forget that it's the same person.
I see life from the third person view.
Which of me is real?
The confident, savvy, funny, smart school topper, who wants to become a doctor?
The silly, random, outspoken, history loving writer?
The childish, confused baby who needs to be taken care of, who expresses freely?
Maybe not. Maybe im none of this.
So, funny fact about me. I am a mimic.
Yep, a mimic. A copycat. A mirror. A reflector. A director's actor. Call it what you want.
But that's who I am. I mimic people. Their behaviour, their mannerisms, their language. Leave me with a person long enough, and I become like them, or like the person they'd like to talk to the most.
I sound like a kind person, don't i? Well, I just copy what my mom does, how she is and how she talks. I'm like your twin? Oh, that's just me adopting your style of talking and behaving. I'm like a ray of sunshine? Thanks, I learned it. I used to be like my dad? Yeah, that's what I saw, that was my main influence. I'm such an active person! And I learned it from the classmates who got love and attention for their behaviour.
It's not like it always works. Actually, it backfires a lot.
I have to be taught this stuff, communication. I had, and still have to manually learn how to interact with someone. I was taught the difference between good and bad, right and wrong, not through morals, but through logic, because calculations and logic are my emotions.
Well, it's not like I can't feel emotions. It's not like I can't think for myself, it's not like I can't take my own decisions or trust my instinct. It's just that I also overthink it a lot and don't trust myself.
So I just do what someone tells me to do, or what someone does when in a situation the same as mine. I don't go unless someone tells me to because I don't know when to.
I don't really know what my true self is, other than a mirror of my observations.
I wish I knew my soul, rather than my brain.
Under a cut because this is super long and repetitive and I have said this shit a 1000 times before, but I need to write it down instead of keeping in my head. This is written on a bad day, and I do work on my mental health a lot more now, but I think I need a therapist because it is too difficult to deal with on my own.
Ok, I don't think bottling up my feelings or attempting to express them poetically is going to help anymore (or at all). So, let's get rid of this stupid thing that is called guilt and get on with it shall we?
I mean, I'll probably address the first thing, which is the fact that my brain is stuck in this cycle of "I'm tired- I'm pretty sure I am not emotionally well- I should ask for therapy- What will I say?- I know how to deal with it- Why do I need it?- I'm not depressed", and honestly sometimes I can't seem to get out of it even with reasoning like "sometimes you can't deal with your problems on your own".
Also, I am convinced I have been too self-obsessed and think and talk about myself too much and should stop but again I can't seem to, and because of this I'm neglecting everyone I care for, and so I don't talk about these thoughts which again continues this other cycle.
As for home, what can I say? Mom is dealing with lots of grief, and I'm pretty sure her clinical depression has not only relapsed but gotten worse in the past year. Add in the university politics, the fact that we're sinking in debt without covering the basic cost of living, and raising a teenager without the security of her getting into a good medical college and not being able to save up for tuition in case she doesn't get a scholarship (which given the competition is very likely), and you have this stressed and depressed ball of fur. Also said teenager keeps forcing her way of life onto the lady, like can't a woman be worried to death about her daughter and not want to heal the wounds she has because no therapist, or doctor for that matter, will truly understand her? Because she tried, she did, but she was always dismissed.
And it hurts, because I can't understand her no matter how much I try to, and I want to help. I want to earn and give her a comfortable life, but that won't happen till next year. She won't even start her life if I don't get the college she wants me to get, which no pressure at all, why should I be worried about the fact that she will move to wherever I get my college because she can't even think about breathing without me, why should I be stressed that my mom literally doesn't do anything for herself because she's waiting for me to go to college in order to start pursuing her dreams and wants? Why would I take any stress about the fact that we're barely living hand-to-mouth, that my mom wouldn't even go to the doctor until she absolutely has to but will take me to the doctor when I so much as have a cough, that I'm pursuing medicine but my mother hates doctors but wants to see me as one because I won't be like the rest of them, that she's rotting from the inside and I should just focus on my studies because two lives depend on it?
Because I'm the daughter, not the mother. I'm the daughter, I should have my own life, I should not take the responsibility of my mother because she's an adult and I'm a child, I should think about my future, and should be independent and make my own choices instead of relying on her, my mom will help me pursue whatever dream I want because she never forced anything on me and my dreams are my own. But also she has seen me only as a doctor and in the air force like I said I would be when I was 4 years old (even though after that I gave her like 50 other 'dreams'), there's no one who truly understands my mother except me and I'm her venting point as much as she is mine, and she never hid anything from me because I don't judge (which by the way, do you know how much that hurts knowing that I have hidden an entire online persona from you, I feel like a cheater and a liar), and she has no one left except me.
Oh, also, knowing that I overreact on literally everything and that my mom is terrified that whatever she'll say will lead me to reacting aggressively is helping a lot, thanks/s
Oh and don't even get me started on my studies. Because even after all this has happened, I am just not putting in any effort to clear the exams because apparently I am 'stressed'. I lie at home all day, barely study 1-2 hours a day (and those are the good days), stare at my phone all day, even though I am at home on 'study leave'. I 'try', but if i was really trying I'd study more, I'd work hard, because it's not like I am writing either, am I? I'm neither working hard towards the goal I want to reach, nor 'pursuing my passions and interests'. I feel like and imposter. And the worst part is, that the impending doom of my mom's future sits on my head, but I am so selfish that because I'm not actually studying for my personal gain, I don't even put in an effort. Because I can't get serious about my studies. But I get good grades in school, so I can't even say that I'm actually rotting because no one would believe me. Everyone would just say, "You're just being too hard on yourself, even 8 hours of studying is too less for you, all of us are suffering and you aren't the only one, you chose PCMB, you chose your dreams but we were shoved with it, you have less pressure than we do", like I know you're all suffering too, doesn't mean I don't too. Only like, a few people actually see that I'm struggling, which I do appreciate, I just don't personally like the coddling and pity that comes with it. (I don't like pity in general so)
And I swear my school is really weird. I'm pretty sure that holding 2 hour long workshops on career counselling at the END of senior year somewhat takes your right to complain when the students say that school doesn't feel like a place to go and study. Also, there's so much student politics and shit going on with the students (like seriously get a life instead of ruining others'), and they're constantly creating a ruckus and starting petty fights that most of the time goes in resolving those issues than studying. I know my attendance is not that great, but I don't think constant taunts and intimidation is going to make me any more willing to go (from my classmates and juniors btw, the teachers said they'll manage because I'm smart, which further adds to the guilt). By the way, I also only have two friends who are each other's besties so I'm the third wheel, but I can't complain tbh because they're the best friends I have in school, and they're honest with me and accept me for who I am, but I feel like a burden to them even though they believe otherwise. Also my 'actual best friend' was friends with me because I score well and talked to her, not because she found me cool. And I am basically the therapist friend in my bus, so there's that (like imagine 10 more teens like me ranting about their day simultaneously).
Also the Indian education system (like most education systems) is trash, and it makes no sense to suddenly change the exam pattern 2 MONTHS before the nationally held exams that play an important part in our careers. Also, plenty people have complained about the competitive exams, so just know that the OVERALL clearance rate of NEET (the exam needed for applying to med schools in India) is 0.9%. And I am considered 'economically stable' (lol) and part of the majority group (so no advantages either), so that's even lesser for people like me.
You know what, let's also add the fact that I have some undiagnosed mental health disorders (MDD, anxiety, AuDHD), which is making this so much worse.
And by the way, did you know because of all this I can't even properly process my grandma's death? Or my emotions? And then I start crying for no reason at all, and then called a crybaby, or get aggressive and get called hysterical and a 'chudail' (which translates to witch but the horror movie kind), because my only personality trait is being too emotionally immature.
And I hate that I am not writing. Fuck writer's block.
So yeah, life's stressful, I have nothing and no one in real life that I can truly vent to, and I need professional help.
depression tips™
shower. not a bath, a shower. use water as hot or cold as u like. u dont even need to wash. just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. sit on the floor if you gotta.
moisturize everything. use whatever lotion u like. unscented? dollar store lotion? fancy ass 48 hour lotion that makes u smell like a field of wildflowers? use whatever you want, and use it all over.
put on clean, comfortable clothes.
put on ur favorite underwear. cute black lacy panties? those ridiculous boxers u bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on the butt? put em on.
drink cold water. use ice. if u want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost.
clean something. doesn’t have to be anything big. organize one drawer of ur desk. wash five dirty dishes. do a load of laundry. scrub the bathroom sink.
blast music. listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.
make food. don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. take the time and make food. even if it’s ramen. add something special to it, like a hard boiled egg or some veggies. prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.
make something. write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. even if you don’t think you’re good at it.
go outside. take a walk. sit in the grass. look at the clouds. smell flowers. put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.
call someone. call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. talk to a stranger on the street. have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. if you can’t, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. even if you don’t say much, listen to them.
cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. take pictures of them. talk to them. tell them how u feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out.
It is beautiful to be a doll You are doted upon Dressed in frills and pinks You are the darling of everyone who looks at you The cutest, the sweetest The comfort of someone's tears Their secrets filled in your ears As all you do is twirl and smile And smile and smile Without judgement, without thoughts
Even if you did have thoughts It's not like anyone would hear They would probably think it's creepy Or unhinged And the words would be all wrong and childish The thoughts would be a web or tangled in yarn Because you didn't learn how to speak Only listen listen and smile and twirl On your owner's command
And once you are creepy You might be thrown away And once you have thoughts They will be taken away Your cotton skin will suddenly be too itchy Your mouth will be spewing diarrhea And you will need 'fixing' or 'correcting' Until there is nothing left but cloth Because you're a doll Not a human
When there's nothing left inside but cotton stuffing --
No hope, dreams, or ambitions --
You are a doll:
Numb, but pleasing on the outside,
To someone with money who will buy you.
And you can pretend that you are the cotton skin.
And they will clap and smile,
Until you are last year's doll,
And you are worth nothing,
Not even the emptiness
Where the hope used to be.
I refuse. I will keep Ruth till the day that I die. Even if she starts to fall apart I'll get a bag and keep all the parts.
FYI
This is the only self care I do
Baby steps dearie, baby steps
i love you im glad you exist im so happy you’re alive
Rb to tell prev you love them ur glad they exist and you’re so happy they’re alive