Under a cut because this is super long and repetitive and I have said this shit a 1000 times before, but I need to write it down instead of keeping in my head. This is written on a bad day, and I do work on my mental health a lot more now, but I think I need a therapist because it is too difficult to deal with on my own.
Ok, I don't think bottling up my feelings or attempting to express them poetically is going to help anymore (or at all). So, let's get rid of this stupid thing that is called guilt and get on with it shall we?
I mean, I'll probably address the first thing, which is the fact that my brain is stuck in this cycle of "I'm tired- I'm pretty sure I am not emotionally well- I should ask for therapy- What will I say?- I know how to deal with it- Why do I need it?- I'm not depressed", and honestly sometimes I can't seem to get out of it even with reasoning like "sometimes you can't deal with your problems on your own".
Also, I am convinced I have been too self-obsessed and think and talk about myself too much and should stop but again I can't seem to, and because of this I'm neglecting everyone I care for, and so I don't talk about these thoughts which again continues this other cycle.
As for home, what can I say? Mom is dealing with lots of grief, and I'm pretty sure her clinical depression has not only relapsed but gotten worse in the past year. Add in the university politics, the fact that we're sinking in debt without covering the basic cost of living, and raising a teenager without the security of her getting into a good medical college and not being able to save up for tuition in case she doesn't get a scholarship (which given the competition is very likely), and you have this stressed and depressed ball of fur. Also said teenager keeps forcing her way of life onto the lady, like can't a woman be worried to death about her daughter and not want to heal the wounds she has because no therapist, or doctor for that matter, will truly understand her? Because she tried, she did, but she was always dismissed.
And it hurts, because I can't understand her no matter how much I try to, and I want to help. I want to earn and give her a comfortable life, but that won't happen till next year. She won't even start her life if I don't get the college she wants me to get, which no pressure at all, why should I be worried about the fact that she will move to wherever I get my college because she can't even think about breathing without me, why should I be stressed that my mom literally doesn't do anything for herself because she's waiting for me to go to college in order to start pursuing her dreams and wants? Why would I take any stress about the fact that we're barely living hand-to-mouth, that my mom wouldn't even go to the doctor until she absolutely has to but will take me to the doctor when I so much as have a cough, that I'm pursuing medicine but my mother hates doctors but wants to see me as one because I won't be like the rest of them, that she's rotting from the inside and I should just focus on my studies because two lives depend on it?
Because I'm the daughter, not the mother. I'm the daughter, I should have my own life, I should not take the responsibility of my mother because she's an adult and I'm a child, I should think about my future, and should be independent and make my own choices instead of relying on her, my mom will help me pursue whatever dream I want because she never forced anything on me and my dreams are my own. But also she has seen me only as a doctor and in the air force like I said I would be when I was 4 years old (even though after that I gave her like 50 other 'dreams'), there's no one who truly understands my mother except me and I'm her venting point as much as she is mine, and she never hid anything from me because I don't judge (which by the way, do you know how much that hurts knowing that I have hidden an entire online persona from you, I feel like a cheater and a liar), and she has no one left except me.
Oh, also, knowing that I overreact on literally everything and that my mom is terrified that whatever she'll say will lead me to reacting aggressively is helping a lot, thanks/s
Oh and don't even get me started on my studies. Because even after all this has happened, I am just not putting in any effort to clear the exams because apparently I am 'stressed'. I lie at home all day, barely study 1-2 hours a day (and those are the good days), stare at my phone all day, even though I am at home on 'study leave'. I 'try', but if i was really trying I'd study more, I'd work hard, because it's not like I am writing either, am I? I'm neither working hard towards the goal I want to reach, nor 'pursuing my passions and interests'. I feel like and imposter. And the worst part is, that the impending doom of my mom's future sits on my head, but I am so selfish that because I'm not actually studying for my personal gain, I don't even put in an effort. Because I can't get serious about my studies. But I get good grades in school, so I can't even say that I'm actually rotting because no one would believe me. Everyone would just say, "You're just being too hard on yourself, even 8 hours of studying is too less for you, all of us are suffering and you aren't the only one, you chose PCMB, you chose your dreams but we were shoved with it, you have less pressure than we do", like I know you're all suffering too, doesn't mean I don't too. Only like, a few people actually see that I'm struggling, which I do appreciate, I just don't personally like the coddling and pity that comes with it. (I don't like pity in general so)
And I swear my school is really weird. I'm pretty sure that holding 2 hour long workshops on career counselling at the END of senior year somewhat takes your right to complain when the students say that school doesn't feel like a place to go and study. Also, there's so much student politics and shit going on with the students (like seriously get a life instead of ruining others'), and they're constantly creating a ruckus and starting petty fights that most of the time goes in resolving those issues than studying. I know my attendance is not that great, but I don't think constant taunts and intimidation is going to make me any more willing to go (from my classmates and juniors btw, the teachers said they'll manage because I'm smart, which further adds to the guilt). By the way, I also only have two friends who are each other's besties so I'm the third wheel, but I can't complain tbh because they're the best friends I have in school, and they're honest with me and accept me for who I am, but I feel like a burden to them even though they believe otherwise. Also my 'actual best friend' was friends with me because I score well and talked to her, not because she found me cool. And I am basically the therapist friend in my bus, so there's that (like imagine 10 more teens like me ranting about their day simultaneously).
Also the Indian education system (like most education systems) is trash, and it makes no sense to suddenly change the exam pattern 2 MONTHS before the nationally held exams that play an important part in our careers. Also, plenty people have complained about the competitive exams, so just know that the OVERALL clearance rate of NEET (the exam needed for applying to med schools in India) is 0.9%. And I am considered 'economically stable' (lol) and part of the majority group (so no advantages either), so that's even lesser for people like me.
You know what, let's also add the fact that I have some undiagnosed mental health disorders (MDD, anxiety, AuDHD), which is making this so much worse.
And by the way, did you know because of all this I can't even properly process my grandma's death? Or my emotions? And then I start crying for no reason at all, and then called a crybaby, or get aggressive and get called hysterical and a 'chudail' (which translates to witch but the horror movie kind), because my only personality trait is being too emotionally immature.
And I hate that I am not writing. Fuck writer's block.
So yeah, life's stressful, I have nothing and no one in real life that I can truly vent to, and I need professional help.
turnnoffyourmind
jbbartram-illu
tangentwithtanner
gummygunk
origamiaround
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