Veronica Bonelli

poesia e narrativa

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JIB 8 || The Monday concert (or The Story of How I Loved J2 Even More Than Before Even Thought I Didn't Think It Was Possible)

After my posts about my experience with Jared and the other actors (Misha, Rob, David, Matt, Adam, Jensen), this is part 3 of this series of posts about JIBcon 8. I just want to write down just a few things about the Monday concert.

(tl;dr Jared is the love of my life and I love Jensen so much for taking care of my giant puppy)

So, I’m not going to talk about the organisation of the events because the flame wars have already started and I don’t want to dig into that. As I said in my latest post, I always try to look at the bright side of everything.

What I want need to talk about are some little moments that are still killing me slowly because of all the feels when I think about them.

When Jason introduced Jensen like we didn’t know him, then we cheered and Rob asked “Oh, so you know this guy?” and Jensen gestured toward us and said “La famiglia”

When Rob and Jason made us sing the chorus to Hallelujah and it was so beautiful that Jensen came up on stage to film us with his phone

When Jensen sang Brother and pointed at Jared while singing the line “Brother, let me be your fortress” and then placing his fist on his heart (I cried during that song. I cried a lot. I cried a shit ton of tears and I’m not even ashamed.)

When we asked Jared to come up on stage and I was freakishly worried that things went too far and that Jared would feel uncomfortable and pressured, but then he did come on stage and sang backing vocals with everyone else and I was so proud of him and I was basically dying because of how Jensen took care of him making sure he was alright before bringing him up on stage and also after the song ended

When we waited outside the club after the concert and Jared was getting on the car to go away with the others but then he stopped to wave at us before going and oh god I’m having butterflies in my stomach right now

All right, this was part 3 of the series of posts about my feels thoughts on JIBcon 8: here you can find part 1 and part 2. Thank you for reading and feel free to share your experience at JIBcon with me! I’d love to hear from you!

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JIB 8 || The Other Autographs (or The Story Of How I Learned That Everyone In The SPN Cast Is A Cinnamon Roll Too Pure For This World)

After my post about my experience with Jared at JIBcon (if you haven’t read it and want to catch up, you can find it here), here I’ll talk about my experience with the other actors: Misha, Rob, David, Matt, Adam, Jensen.

(tl;dr everyone is a cinnamon roll too pure for this world and my back hurt so bad after queuing for 7 hours)

Misha

Misha’s autograph was the first thing I did at JIBcon (after spotting Jensen in the corridor right after entering the hotel, like, c'mon, give me a minute to adjust, I wasn’t ready!).

I never really found Misha that handsome but when I saw him at the other side of the autograph room I literally had to close my mouth with my hand because I was going to scream. When I got to the desk I had no idea what to say and I just mumbled an awkward “Hi!”. He said “Hi!” back to me and signed the autograph while waiting for me to speak. Then he must have realised that I wasn’t able to say anything so he asked me “how are you?”, to which I replied that I was good and then totally forgot to ask how he was doing. He was looking at me with his blue eyes (even more blue than on TV, I don’t know how that’s even possible) and I just managed to say something like “Misha, I just wanted to thank you for everything that you do for charity, you know, with Random Acts. You’re a wonderful person”. He looked down for a second and then looked at me again while placing a hand on his heart, and said “Thank you, you’re very kind”. Actually I have no memory of him putting his hand on his heart, Camilla told me, I was too nervous to pay attention to anything else other than his eyes. Then we left and I needed a moment to calm down. Maybe more than a moment.

Rob

My second autograph was with Rob. Here is when I started realising that everyone in the cast is an unspeakably wonderful human being. While I was trying not to be too distracted by Rob’s eyes (déjà vu, anyone?), I said “Thank you for being here, I know how tired you are, and busy, and…" and he cut me off, like, shocked that I could imply that this experience was hard, and he said “Oh, no, no, it’s great!”. So I smiled and said “Thank you, I really appreciate your being here”, then he thanked me back with a huge smile.

David

My other autograph for the day was with David Haydn-Jones and, wow, when did he let his beard grow? Is everyone in the cast a freaking top model or something? Anyway. He was incredibly lovely too and, when I told him basically the same thing I told Rob, he had the same answer and added “it’s a pleasure". Then he saw the pentacle necklace I was wearing and lifted a fist in the air to cheer me and compliment me, which was a bit weird but extremely fun and sweet.

Matt & Adam

The next day I had my autographs with Matt Cohen and Adam Fergus. Both were incredibly gorgeous and lovely, and I was still feeling like inside a happy bubble from the day before. I thanked them for being there and, when I told Adam “I hope you’re having fun”, he replied “I am, of course I am, but then I never have to be encouraged” and I laughed – but you can bet I wasn’t laughing anymore when he placed a hand on my arm and said, in all seriousness, “Thank you, it was so nice meeting you”. I repeated “nice to meet you too!” and then I was running away, like, how could you possibly do this to me? Argh, I love JIBcon.

Jensen

And after that, my Sunday started being harder. The whole schedule got fucked up and no one knew why: I waited in line for Jensen’s autograph for seven hours straight (and if it wasn’t for a couple of lovely girls from Naples, who brought enough sandwiches to feed the entire country, I wouldn’t have eaten for fear of losing my place in the line) and when Jensen’s autograph session finally started the staff kept rushing us because we were late, so I didn’t even have the time to say anything to Jensen. By the end of the day I had my autograph, but I was exhausted, my whole body hurt, and I was very disappointed, even though I repeated to myself that there had to be an explanation for all of this, because I know they are all wonderful people and they wouldn’t want us to wait in line for seven hours for nothing. I always try to focus on the best part of everything and everyone – and I was right. The day after I found out about the reasons behind all this and, while I still think that things could have been handled better (let’s just say that the staff wasn’t at its best), I feel now so sorry for Jensen. I had no idea about his emotional breakdown. Actually, at one point I thought that maybe someone wasn’t feeling well, but immediately my thoughts went to Jared (given the past events and the special connection I feel with him rather than Jensen – who of course I love nonetheless), and I never even thought that it could be Jensen the one who was having a hard time. But he deserves so much love and support, because he’s such a shy and sensitive and sweet person, so now I am incredibly sorry for everything that happened.

All the autographs I got at JIBcon (from left to right: Rob Benedict, Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins, Matt Cohen, Adam Fergus, David Haydn-Jones)

On a side note: I left as soon as I got my autograph with Jensen, so I wasn’t there for the closing ceremony, but I cried so bad when I was scrolling on the JIBcon tag on Instagram and I saw a video of the moment when everyone was singing Carry on wayward son and Jared and Jensen hugged, all Winchester style, in the corridor of the hotel. Oh boy, how I cried. This freaking tv show and its feels are going to kill me someday.

This was part 2 of my series of posts about JIBcon 8: you can also read part 1 and part 3.

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JIBcon 8 || My experience with Jared Padalecki (or The Story Of How I Died And Ascended To Heaven)

All right, I'll try to explain how things went with Jared at JIBcon: get ready for a veeeery long post.

(tl;dr I didn't think I could love him even more, but apparently it was possible and he's a giant puppy made of sunshine who just loves to cuddle people)

So, the second day of JIBcon was my first day of my first con ever. I was alone, but the SPN family is a proper family so I wasn't left alone for long: I met some beautiful people, and especially Camilla, a sweet girl from Rome who spent the whole second day with me (another Sam / Jared girl, so we kinda were two sobbing messes by the end of the day, which was awesome).

Now, Jared. I saw him once in the corridor while we were in line for the autographs, but he was far away and all I could see was a beanie walking through the crowd – and that alone was enough to make me nervous. I saw him in the corridor several other times after that and also during the third day of the con: once he grabbed my hand as he was passing by, and Camilla took a picture of that exact moment.

Jared grabbing my hand as he passes by

The autograph

I was in line for Jared's autograph with Camilla. We started freaking out way before we got to his desk, because he was even more beautiful than on TV, with his soft hair and big bright eyes, and he was so kind with everyone. Many of the girls were in tears as they left the room after getting their autographs, which added to the hype. At one point Jared stood up and started shaking his legs because he was feeling stiff, and I remember thinking that he didn't seem so tall (which I found out wasn't true when I had my photo op with him later). Then it was our turn and Camilla went first: Jared said he liked her jeans, then she thanked him for the AKF campaign, while starting to cry, so he immediately got serious and took her hand to comfort her and make sure she was alright. She said "you're very important to me" and he replied "no, you are important" while looking at her in the eyes, meaning every word he was saying.

Then she waited for me while I got my autograph, so Jared kept looking that way to make sure she was okay (which she wasn't, of course, because she couldn't stop crying, but hey, that's Jared Padalecki we're talking about). I got to his desk and gave him the t-shirt I wanted him to sign. Then I gave him some sheets of paper and (it was a miracle I didn't forget how to speak English) I said "Jared, I have something for you". He looked at me and for a moment my mind went blank (did I say he's breathtakingly gorgeous and his eyes are huge and bright?). Then my brain started working again so I explained those were some poems, about hope and the beauty of life, that I wrote because he inspired me (with the AKF campaign and with his overall positivity), and now I wanted him to have them. When he understood what that roll of paper was, he looked at me, shocked, and whispered "how fucking cool", then, louder, "this is fucking cool": he apologised for swearing but immediately repeated "this is fucking cool". He took the poems and said "Thank you. You didn't have to", like I just gave him the moon. I smiled and couldn't say anything (I couldn't believe he was thanking me), then he said "Thank you. You're so sweet" and I said "no, you are". Then he lifted his left hand and waited for me to take it: we interlaced our fingers and we just stood there looking at each other (while I was kinda dying, as you can imagine). Surprise, gratitude, affection, all these things were written all over his face, and even though he sees a hundred people every day he gives each one of us all his attention and he really makes us feel important. Then he glanced at Camilla and asked me "Is she your friend?", I said she was and he told me to go check on her (yeah, she was still crying, I don't blame her). I said I would, then I had to force myself to let go of his hand and I started walking away while he was still looking at me. I hugged Camilla and let her sob on my shoulder, while I was finding it extremely hard to breathe.

The autograph (I don’t know if you can see it, but trust me it’s there)

The photo op

I spent something like an hour waiting in line for Jared's photo op, but at the end I was still feeling light-headed because of the autograph and I just kinda stood there staring at the wall, incapable of doing anything else. Suddenly the line started going faster and in just a few minutes I found myself in the photo op room. The line was going so fast that I found myself just a few meters away from Jared and I remember thinking "I am sooo not ready, can somebody please stop the line so I can psychologically prepare for the experience 'cause I'm kinda freaking out? Pretty please?" Then it was my turn and I miraculously managed not to run away from the room, which I seriously took into consideration. Jared was waiting there, so freakishly tall and handsome, with a smile on his face, and this time he wasn't wearing the beanie (someone had forced him to brush his hair and oh god don't make me think about his hair or I'll start shaking again). I went up to him and he bent his legs so he would be shorter in the photo (which shows how sweet he is, because he always does it and I can only imagine how his knees hurt when all the photo ops are over). Anyway, he was still much taller than me. Of course.

We did the pose, a half hug with my hand on his heart: I asked for permission before touching him but I don't really know if I said something intelligible 'cause I was a mumbling mess. While doing the photo, I couldn't stop thanking him and he just looked at me, with a tired but sincere smile. When the photo was over I couldn't help myself and I hugged him: I threw my arms around his neck (I probably touched his hair but I really don't remember) and he placed his left hand on the small of my back and his right hand on the back of my head, grabbing a handful of my hair. He held me so tight against his chest that I couldn't breathe - but then who needs air when you're being smothered by Jared Padalecki? Anyway. It only lasted a few seconds and the volunteer started rushing me so I had to go: just like I did with his hand before, I had to force myself to let him go, while he was still holding me. I thanked him one last time (I lost count of how many times I said "thank you" to Jared during that day) and then I was outside. I found Camilla and she waited as I tried to find the words to explain what had just happened, then she started freaking out because I was freaking out and it was awesome. We also managed to see a bit of the J2 panel while waiting for the print of my photo op. Then the day was over, so we painfully said goodbye (she wasn't coming back the next day so I wasn't going to see her again anytime soon) and then I got home and kept staring at my photo op, still shocked and even more in love than before.

A rare moment when I stopped repeating “thank you” and just decided to shut up

In conclusion: Jared Padalecki is the sweetest, purest, most breathtakingly beautiful soul this world has ever witnessed.

This is part 1 of my series of posts about JIBcon 8: you can also read part 2 and part 3.

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Corny songs

Summary: Jared watches as Jensen sings Brother by Needtobreathe at VegasCon17. Fandom: Supernatural cast Characters: Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles Relationships: none / bromance Rating: general audiences Words: 1,896 Warnings: idk, kinda fluff? ahah Notes: English is not my first language, so if you find any mistakes you’re kindly invited to tell me so that I can rewrite it :) Also I have no idea if Jared was there during the concert, and if he was I guess he probably wasn’t hidden behind the crowd, but hey this is fiction after all so just roll with it

The room is crowded – even more so than usual, it would seem – and the girls are extremely loud, tonight. It’s difficult to understand what Jensen is saying, but it doesn’t matter. Jared is partially hidden at the back of the room, surrounded by bodyguards, and he feels lucky because ne one seems to have seen him. For once, he gets to just be one face in the crowd, enjoying the show. He hears the girls scream, all of them freaking out at the view of Jensen’s tight jeans that wrap his long legs and the leather jacket that fits perfectly his broad shoulders, partly covering the V-neck shirt underneath that highlights the muscles of his torso: Jared’s not even aware that he’s noticed all this, because it’s not the point, he doesn’t care, unlike all those girls around him. He’s watching Jensen with the distant awe of the visitor in a museum: distant, in fact, amazed by the aesthetic but in search of the hidden meaning, of the inner essence of a work of art – and he knows Jensen’s inner essence, he’s one of the few people that really do and he’s incredibly grateful for that. This is the way Jared is looking at Jensen right now: like a little brother looking up at his big bro in admiration. At some point, a sentence of Jensen’s speech stands out among the shouts of the crowd and catches his attention. “We are gonna try something a little new here… that we just thought was an appropriate song, given the basis of our show.” Jared frowns, curious. So, a new song, apparently. One that he’s never sang before. What’s it gonna be? The music starts and Jared shifts the weight on his feet. The first notes wake up a warmth in his chest, something familiar and cozy. The beginning of the song feels like coming home after a stressful day of work and slipping into one’s pajamas, the TV remote in one hand and a warm cup of tea in the other. Not that Jared is a great fan of tea. He actually prefers junk food and coke, that’s a fact. But you get the meaning. This is how Jared is feeling, and the song has barely even started. He’s sure he heard it before, he clearly remembers being with Jensen and listening to that song, he just can’t remember anything else. And then Jensen starts singing – and something clicks inside Jared’s head. Or rather, inside Jared’s heart. “Ramblers in the wilderness, we can’t find what we need / Get a little restless from the searching, get a little worn down in between…” Now he remembers. They were on set, tired after shooting an emotional scene for an upcoming episode, and some guys of the crew approached them: they wanted to post a video on the internet for the SPN Family Love campaign, and they wanted Jared and Jensen’s opinion about the background music. “It’s a song that’s very popular among the fans”, they told them, so they gathered together to watch the video. Jared remembers the footage about the campaign: it was already emotional per se, but that moment had stuck with him especially for the song. That song. He had never heard it before, but as soon as he started understanding the lyrics he knew it was right. It was right for the video, it was right for the campaign, but most of all it was right for the show, it was right for the Winchesters… and it was right for them. As in, Jared and Jensen. He remembers looking away from the screen to meet Jensen’s eyes, that were already on him: they looked at each other, said nothing, and that was it. They didn’t even have to nod, or make any other gesture. They just looked at each other and it was set. The crew around them understood what that look meant, because they had already seen it – on camera and off camera: it was the Winchester brothers look that could express everything without a spoken word, it was the silent look that now, after twelve years, belonged to Jared and Jensen too. Jared snaps back to reality, his attention now fully focused on his best friend again. He’s not even capable of thinking, he’s just watching as Jensen moves on stage like the rockstar that he is and listening to those words they both know so well by now. “Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes / Everybody needs someone beside ‘em shining like a lighthouse from the sea.” Then, the chorus explodes from the amplifiers like a storm, and Jared can feel his heart swell, almost smothering him. “Brother, let me be your shelter / Never leave you all alone / I can be the one you call / When you’re low…” Suddenly the lights on the ceiling are too bright, the cheers from the crowd are deafening, his legs are weak: it’s overwhelming, and all he can do is stare at Jensen, mouth slightly open, trying to catch his breath. “Brother, let me be your fortress / When the night winds are driving on / Be the one to light the way / Bring you home.” Jensen is singing with his eyes closed, and when he gets to the middle of the chorus he raises a hand and places it on his heart. Jared kind of misses all the second verse trying to calm himself down. He sees Jensen addressing the crowd when he sings about coming home, but he know he’s actually talking about him. Maybe he doesn’t know that Jared’s here in this room, but it doesn’t matter: Jared remembers the way those green eyes looked at him when they were listening to that song that day on set, drinking every single word, absorbing the meaning into their own souls, together, far away from the people that were there with them. That’s why he knows he’s talking to him: no matter how many people there are in this world, the only two that really mean something are them. By the time the second chorus hits, Jared finds himself humming to the music, letting himself go, getting lost in the melody. Then, the bridge comes. “And when you call and need me near / Sayin’ where’d you go?, brother, I’m right here / And on those days when the sky begins to fall / You’re the blood of my blood, we can get through it all.” At that point he doesn’t even notice when some of their colleagues climb on stage to sing the acoustic chorus together. He just beats his foot on the floor, following the rhythm, and discreetly moves his lips to match the words Jensen is singing while clapping his hands above his head. At the end, he’s full-on singing, ignoring the heartache as best as he can. By the end of the song, he has to dry a tear with the back of his hand. The other actors are gone now, and Richard starts playing the intro of Whipping post on his bass – “yeah, I know the lyrics” says an irritated Jensen – but Jared doesn’t care anymore. He slips throught the door and finds himself in an empty corridor: one of his bodyguards follows him, but he shakes his head and asks to be left alone. The man nods and goes back inside, giving him the privacy he needs. Jared takes his black beanie from the pocket – he had taken it off when it was too hot to go around with that thing on his head – and puts it on. It’s his security blanket, after all. A tangible piece of his comfort zone, under which he feels irrationally safe. And messy-haired, of course. But especially safe. He takes a minute to just breathe and stare at the wall before him, without actually seeing it. He fidgets with his To Write Love On Her Arms bracelet, that Jensen gave him after a pretty hard crisis he’s had some time ago, but he doesn’t notice he’s doing it. Then, when his breath is more steady, he heads towards the other door at the end of the corridor. He opens it and he finds himself in the backstage. A guy of the security team stands beside the door and lets him in. He steps inside and closes the door behind himself. Briana waves at him, but he just smiles slightly, then carries on. On his left, Ruth is talking with Misha, just hanging out, joking, showing each other something on their phones. Jared doesn’t even see them. He moves around the backstage like a ghost, then hears the crowd cheering and clapping louder than before, and suddenly Jensen is coming down the few steps of the stage, on this side of the black curtain, into the backstage. He looks down, incoherently shy – a moment ago he was on stage, rocking the hell out of that song and overall being a badass, and now he won’t even meet the eyes of his friends who have surrounded him to pat him on the back and tell him how amazing he’s been. That’s why he’s such a wonderful human being, Jared thinks. He stares from a distance, incapable of moving. He’s just focused on Jensen, totally unaware of himself. After a minute, the group of people around Jensen starts to scatter, and he finally looks up at Jared. At that moment Jared realizes how weird he must look, staring at him like that, but he can’t look away. Jensen apologizes to the few that are still around him and goes towards Jared, patting him on the shoulder. “Hey, buddy.” Jared swallows some saliva. “Hey, man. Great performance, I’ve been told.” “Didn’t see it?”, he asks, with a skeptical smile. “Yeah, I did”, Jared confesses, and they both laugh a bit. “Just wanted to pretend I wasn’t aware of how corny you can be sometimes.” Jensen snorts. “Oh, come on…” “Just sayin’, Mister One-perfect-tear.” “You’re just gettin’ started, aren’t you?”, asks Jensen, pretending to be annoyed. “We agreed not to prank each other, at least let me tease you.” “Thought you would like the song.” Jared stops. Then says: “I did like the song.” “Good.” Jensen stares quietly at him, then pulls him in for a hug, grabbing a handful of Jared’s shirt with his fist while the other hand rests on the back of his head. They both stay silent, just leaning on each other, in a full-on season-finale, end-of-the-world Winchester hug. Then Jared breaks the silence. “There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you, you know that, right?” Jensen freezes, clearly embarassed. He pulls away from Jared and looks him deadly in the eyes. “Sissy.” Jared rolls his eyes: his face starts to look terribly similar to Sam Winchester’s bitchface, but Jensen is already behind him and doesn’t see it: he takes away Jared’s beanie, then throws it behind his back. Jared turns around just in time to grab it and watch Jensen go. “So”, says Jensen, walking away, “fancy a beer or you want some pop-corn, since you’re the corny one today, apparently?” Jared sighs, looking down and shaking his head with a smile on his face. Then he follows him.