A Tiger Mom

»one black coffee, same motherfucker«

[fragranceofdarkness]

someone rb this with a picture of a horse i have a meme i wanna use

[shrugsmagazine-deactivated20220]

[fragranceofdarkness]

[avengersincamphalfbloodstardis]

someone: stop quoting John Mulaney all the time

me:

[disclaymore-deactivated20230920]

The picture wont load but i know its just him screaming no

[stargabs]

wow… the new Sabrina show really chose not to have Salem talk… when John Mulaney was RIGHT THERE…

[satellitestomps]

Miles attempting to throw Kingpin off his rhythm #streetsmarts

[satellitestomps]

[rosesandstuff]

WHY IS THIS THE FUNNIEST THING I’VE SEEN ALL DAY

[broadwaytheanimatedseries]

John Mulaney does canonicaly exist in his universe, proven by the oh hello billboard in one of the backgrounds, so that is entirely possible as canon

[morrithal]

I’m BI I’m HOMELESS I have RADIATION POISONING and I’m NEW IN TOWN

[sasukeuchiha-uzumaki]

[mulaneyschild]

i would pay john mulaney to bash my head in with a baseball bat

[axmxz]

he’ll just apologize to you until your head explodes on its own

[mulaneyschild]

but if i hit HIM in the head with a baseball bat, then would he apologize to me? considering the logic of “you could pour hot soup in my lap and I’d apologize to you”, wouldn’t it be reversed? so would that also mean if he bashed my head in with a baseball bat, would I have to apologize as well?

[verybitteraboutjohnmulaney]

The uwu energy is strong with this one

[bithighs]

[dragon-out-of-water]

I’m just gonna post this everywhere and hope he sees this one day.

[astarryon]

All I Want

Pairing: John Mulaney x Reader

Warnings: this doesn’t end how you think it does

Summary: John wants something from your marriage that you just aren’t sure you can commit to.

A/N: Y’all got @johnmulaneyslut to blame for this one, I… don’t even know what to say lmfao. Hope you enjoy! If you have any questions or comments, feel free to send them my way! Also John Mulaney if you’re somehow reading this please know that I will never in conscience be able to look you in the eyes

Masterlist

“You’re really not even going to talk to me?”

John’s jaw remained firmly set, and as he walked ahead of you and opened the door to your shared apartment, just barely swinging it wide enough to allow you entrance before it shut itself, you could practically see in your mind’s eye how the rest of this night was going to go. After all, every night for the last two weeks had been almost identical in occurrence; the shit was damn near prophetic at this point.

“John,” you started again, dropping your purse to the floor and kicking off your heels. As soon as the black bag hit the floor, the belongings within it exploded out of the bag and cluttered themselves across the floor. Fucking typical, and not the least bit surprising. As annoying as it was, it was just how your life seemed to be going these days. Paying it no mind, you walked after your husband, who had already begun heading into your bedroom. “John!”

You watched as his tall, suit clad frame continued to retreat from you and into the darkness, and noted that John didn’t bother to turn on any lamps or lights. In all fairness, it wasn’t exactly like he needed to; this had been your home for the past two years, after all. The layout of the apartment would’ve been as familiar to him as the back of his own hand. He paid your calls for his attention no mind, and as you padded after him on bare feet, you did your best not to get too worked up over being ignored. It wasn’t something he did often, as he knew it upset you to your core — you supposed you could forgive it this time.

Keep reading

[verybitteraboutjohnmulaney]

Wow guys

Despite the fact that I’ve been really inactive

Despite the fact that all of my posts suck ass

We still are about 640 followers and are considered one of the “top John Mulaney tumblrs” And it’s unbelievable. Thank you so much, and I promise I will get to posting more.

Also, @polswife8888 and @eddeaded I would like to personally apologize for how long it’s been taking to get your one shots out. We recently started a new semester at school and it’s been tough, but that’s not a good enough excuse I’m sorry.

Have a good day my loves❤️

[verybitteraboutjohnmulaney]

A fucking fashion icon

[verybitteraboutjohnmulaney]

Y’all not to be nsfw but John Mulaney makes me bust some fat UwU’s

[garflover]

147

[jennifersbod]

Words of Wisdom from John Mulaney

[verybitteraboutjohnmulaney]

would you be comfortable writing a john mulaney x male reader? i've only seen like one person write one and it makes me sad

Oh my gosh of course! John x readers are so hard to find and it makes me sad :/ ill get working on it right away!!

[verybitteraboutjohnmulaney]

Some of you have not gone on a long road trip, and seen the Golden Arches and started chanting “McDonalds! Mcdonalds! Mcdonalds!” Only to have you dad pull in and order the one thing no kid can enjoy, one black coffee and then drive off and it really shows.