something you think of often?
I think of what I’ve learned.
I spend a lot of time watching, I’ve watched my friends meet men, get engaged, and get married, I’ve watched them get turned down, I’ve been their shoulder to cry on and their confidant, and I’ve spent a lot of time in rooms where I ought not to be listening to all sorts of secrets and private pieces of lurid conversations. It’s always been my forte, listening and then absorbing knowledge, it’s worked well for me through all my life.
I’ve worked in clubs, I’ve stripped, I’ve escorted, and I’ve kept my eyes and ears open. I write a lot down and I learn on my feet, I watch my friends, and I keep track of every man I meet and speak to in depth. I write all of my thoughts down and ponder and pour over them so that I can make myself anew. Through all I’ve seen and everyone I’ve met, I’ve found that all of the men who I’ve interacted with tend to have the same idea of a dream girl. When I was stripping and giving private dances, working at the bar at clubs and sitting at the front desk to check patrons in, and with the men that I’ve met and had moments with, they all desire and describe the same type of dream woman to me and I listen and take what I can so that they’ll take me away.
What I’ve heard.
Blatant sexuality as the base with a bunch of childlike, charming, innocence aspects to it. She’s not too worldly or womanly, she hasn’t been around, she’s naive, she’s a virgin, she always has a beautiful smile and a gorgeous laugh, she’s sunny and sophisticated, and she’s always wanted, she’s desired, she’s the type of woman who men desire to marry and give status to. She’s a woman child, she’s a total lady and she’s a statuesque adult when you first see her but she has a childlike innocence when you get to interact with her.
She’s the type of woman who men want to protect, they’d throw punches for her, they’d defend her honour, they’d do anything for her. They would die for her. They want to kiss her, hold her hand, take her away, they want to cherish and worship and own her, they want to be in love with her and have a family and own her. They want to see their ring on her finger and know that she’s theirs, he’s in love with her to the point where it feels like he has wings, every little thing she does has power, she’s a goddess to them and they worship the air she breathes because it’s fresh to them, she is their breath of fresh air when they can’t breathe.
What I can’t do.
I cannot pretend to be innocent or a virgin, I’ve seen and I know too much, I’m 22 years old and I view myself as an adult and act as an adult. I don’t know how to be innocent and gentle with this much blood on my mouth and so I don’t try to be. I do my own thing, I adapt to what suits me and I acknowledge the desires of the men I’ve been around but I don’t become them, I use bits and pieces and adopt some of my friends mannerisms, take hints from their wardrobes, and copy their makeup when I step out, I pitch my voice up higher and I make my accent thicker but I still stay true to myself and who I am, I never compromise my beliefs or hold myself back but I do have a façade that I play up for men but I stay true to who I am at my very core.
I know my style and what looks good, I know how to market the hell out of myself, run my social media accounts, balance sponsors and patrons, go on dates, and keep a strict and very controlled schedule. I know how to make myself look good and how to speak eloquently, I know how to pour tea and play my music, and I know how to be a woman. I’m good at being a woman, I don’t want to be seen as a child, I want to be seen as a capable adult and I do scare a lot of the men that I meet off with that fact but I do want to be seen as an adult and treated as such. I don’t just want diamonds and furs, I want a lifestyle and I want to have a husband in years, I want to have my own empire at times and I want to have a white picket fence. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can get what I want and how to use all of the knowledge that I’ve gained over the years to get what I want and how to keep it.
Ligeia.