💟 Violet 💟

call me Violet! 27, she/her, 🏳️‍⚧️, 18+

[violet-impulse]

Figured I should write up one of these!

Hi, I’m Violet! 27, she/her, switchy transfem lesbian with a lovely partner.

Interests include a bunch of types of art in the spaces of 3D visual and writing. Also interested in various modes of gaming (tabletop, TCG, board and video)

Gonna be posting a variety of stuff here varying from SFW to NSFW, so no minors allowed.

DMs are open btw! Always down to chat with new people 💜

[gondorrevealparty]

my wizardgirl keeps mage regressing during the big boss fight, throwing out level 1 Ice Bolt and giggling like we're supposed to find it cute. I know this bitch can do a level 12 modified Frosthammer Vortex. It's not even hard for her. But the Wyvern Queen, who we're supposed to be killing, keeps going "Wow, that was a really big spell for you! good job giving me -1 speed! You're soooo powerful!" and my fuckass mage is beaming at her with those big wet eyes. I don't care if you get "level dysphoria" from your gigantic big-girl mana pool I'm about to die out here

[phaeton-flier]

Squidward's whole deal is that he was a scion of Old Money who got really into Marxism in college and decided he couldn't live with himself as a beneficiary of the Bourgeoisie. He cut ties with his parents and went to live as a proletariat for a few years to better his music.

Of course, what was supposed to be a short term service industry job before he lived for his art has bloomed into just being his life, and life as a poor artist is never as romantic as one imagines. While the cost of living of Bikini Bottom is low enough that even a frycook can be a homeowner, it's not quite so low that he can afford the luxuries he was used to growing up.

His view of the Working Class as the downtrodden masses were rather tattered by years of living between SpongeBob and Patrick, who were not so much temporarily oppressed intellectuals as they were, well, SpongeBob and Patrick.

Still, through thick and thin he's never gone back on his decision to leave the money behind. The great irony is that he is ignorant of his greatest achievement—his superiority to Squilliam isn't turning a bunch of randos into a functioning Marching Band or turning a burger joint into a fine dining establishment, it's having the strength of character to look at all the advantages Squilliam had and choose to leave it behind.

He will never be a master Clarinet player, but he will always have that

[nekomimidusteon]

c'mon, don't you want to be a good girl? it'd feel soooo good to fall to corruption, don't you think? you want that right? to feel each and every part of you indelibly stained by her touch? it's so easy. all you have to do is let her hit you with another 1/1 phyrexian mite. can you be a good girl and declare no blockers for her now?

[lady-of-vitreous-sight]

Conversational Bottoming And You

or, a transfem guide to conversations for girls who struggle with taking agency

Alright, so there's a post going around about how lots of young transfems have poor conversational skills. It calls specific attention to the tendency to just make animal noises or mindlessly flirt, and how they're an insufficient substitute. This is true, but it's not helpful*, I'd like to try to be actually helpful.

I. Why does the problem exist?

On the one paw, basically all widely shared advice assumes a lot of things that simply are not true for us. "Ask them about their job, their future, their finances, their social lives." Well. Generally, many of us are chronically underemployed, vaguely suicidal, surviving off of scraps, and extremely isolated. These aren't first date questions. A lot of transfems try to bridge the gap by jumping to third date questions like "how's your sex life, what kinks are you into, can I touch your tits, do you want to touch my tits." This has other problems that I will not get into in this post.

On the other paw, a lot of good conversationalism involves taking agency and putting yourself out there. The thing about childhood trauma is you're usually repeatedly punished for taking agency until you stop trying. Plus, agency, if it is a thing you can do, isn't likely to be something you do with strangers. You've been taught that your purpose is to be a punching bag. It's comfortable for you, even, in a weird fucked up way. But, this pushes all the agency onto your partner, which kinda sucks for her. Especially if she has the same background as you.

[ *sidebar 1: "the problem with transfems" and other things not to say.

Unfortunately, we live in transmisogynistic hell world. Unfortunately, you are a part of transmisogynistic hell world. Unfortunately, anything talking about "the problem with transfems" will see increased legibility and get shared more because of transmisogynistic hell world. Unfortunately, this cannot be escaped. Broadly, I highly recommend keeping such discussions to transfem only spaces not visible to the public. Or at least don't write vent posts about transfems. Please. ]

II. Then, what can I do differently?

In this post, I'm going to talk about the strategy that carried me through the first two or three years of my transfem social life, until I had accrued enough experience and confidence to try other strategies.

And, I want to say explicitly: maybe you can't think about it now, but you will get there. It's like immersion, your brain is picking up details from around you and shaping them into your own behaviors. As long as you are around conversations and let yourself pay attention to them, you'll get better at all of this.

I just want to help provide a shortcut.

For me, this was a method to be around people and talk to them when I really needed it. When I wasn't yet a person and didn't know how to talk or make friends or have friends or hang out or any of the shit no one writes guides for because they figured it out in middle school when I was busy discovering suicidal ideation. And it worked for me, so I hope it'll work for you.

III. What is infodumping?

I think most of you are probably already familiar with infodumping. Broadly, I'd define infodumping as a communication pattern associated with autism characterized by one-sidedly sharing a large amount of information with the other party.

There's a lot of memes about it that go something like girl 1: [infodumping about bionicles], girl 2: [not paying any attention, in her head: I'm gonna rail her later]. I don't like these memes.

In an autismphobic society, infodumping is a genuine and vulnerable activity. It's relaxing and fulfilling and kinda embarrassing. It's putting yourself out there. It's taking control of the conversation and not letting go until you're satisfied. In that light, it's kinda like topping†.

But, perhaps in defiance of your expectations, I'm not going to tell you how to infodump. I'm going to tell you how to be infodumped to.

[ †sidebar 2: topping and bottoming.

It's pretty popular in transfem spaces to be critical of the phrase "top and bottom" and prefer "dom and sub", because "top and bottom are more heteronormative". If you think about this for any amount of time, you'll realize that this isn't really true (changing language alone does not feminism make).

While you'll commonly hear top and bottom described as 'the penetrative role and the penetrated role'. This isn't the commonly used definition in bdsm spaces, of which I am from. In those spaces, we use 'top' to mean 'one who does the thing' and 'bottom' to mean 'one who the thing is done to'. In this way, we can generalize dynamics between bondage, discipline, d/s, and s/m.

Of course, these definitions are kinda just a trick of the light, and can go in any which direction if you look at things differently. As long as you can agree that obviously the one giving head is the top. ]

IV. What does the infodumpee even do?

The reason I don't like those memes is pretty simple, they present the receptive role as a non-entity. It kinda sucks to infodump to a non-entity. You're putting yourself out there and being vulnerable and she's just thinking about sex of all things. Bionicles is objectively better than sex.

As I see it, infodumping is a lot like music. And if you're the infodumpee, you're playing a rhythm game.

Just like with normal bottoming, your goal is to take this deeply vulnerable activity and provide consistent support throughout. To be a good recipient and accept what is given to you with an open mind. To illustrate to your partner that you are engaged with the ideas being shared, that you are listening, that you are enjoying the process, and that you're present and there.

What this means in practice is a mix of two things: mhms and questions.

VI. What is 'backchanneling'?

There's actually a lot of skill to mhming. Of course I don't merely mean 'saying mhm'. Backchanneling is the linguistic term for this and it's an essential conversational skill.

This includes phrases such as 'yeah', 'uh huh', 'right', 'I see', and so on. The purpose is to let your partner know that you're listening. This is, most directly, the rhythm game element.

There will reach moments where your partner looks to you to see if you're listening. At this point, you need to indicate that you are listening by giving such a cue. Make the noise, nod your head, send a thumbs up emoji. Sometimes animal noises work here, but generally I think they fulfill a different purpose‡.

If you're too late, she'll feel she caught you looking away. She'll think you were distracted and not paying attention, and begin to be distracted from her thoughts by checking up on you more and more.

If you are listening very closely, you'll give the cue before your partner even consciously thinks to check. She'll never even realize she worried if you were paying attention in the first place, the flow will never be broken up.

But if you give it too early, she'll think you're just saying the words without paying attention. You'll disrupt her thoughts with it, and she'll become confused and thrown off.

With each partner, the correct timing is slightly different. Personally, I try to give my 'mhms' when my partner has completed a thought and is reaching for the next one, or when she's asked a rhetorical question or completed a point. But, it takes trial and error. The only way to improve is by practicing.

[ ‡sidebar 3: what is echolalia?

Echolalia is a certain behavior associated with autism generally described as repetitive words and noises. Generally, I tend to understand most "animal noises" as a kind of echolalia (though this isn't always accurate)

Echolalia was first explained to me as a kind of stimming. More formally called 'self stimulating behavior', stimming is another category of autistic behaviors generally understood to aid in sensory maintenance. Flap your hands, tap your feet, bounce in your seat and it'll give you something to focus on to weather the storm.

But, conversationally, echolalia can play other roles. You might use it to hold your place in a conversation. As opposed to where backchanneling says 'pass', echolalia says 'one sec, I'm thinking'.

Further, echolalia can also act as a way of asserting your presence. Meow as you enter a voice call to indicate that it's you and that you're here.

These are useful conversational tools to have. ]

V. How do you ask a good question?

You ask questions to continue the conversation. They indicate not just "I'm listening" but "I want to hear more". They encourage your partner to let loose and just keep talking to you. Turning what could be a simple exchange into a more in depth engagement.

So, ask questions that indicate this. Ask open ended questions that require her to reword things and look from weird angles. Ask analytical questions that reflect your own lack of understanding. Ask silly questions that let her continue her jokes. Ask surface level questions so she just knows you want to hear her speak. Cheat and use google to find more questions to ask but make sure to reword them so she can't tell.

If your partner says "I don't want to get into this, so I'll just say this abbreviated other thing" you better ask about that. But that's when it's really obvious, and only following obvious cues can make her feel like you're just humoring her.

Look at the holes, the thing your partner is skimming over 'to save time' and ask about them. Look at what she's excited about, ask questions about the details that don't add up or that feel weird. Look at what she's interested in, make connections between the different sections and how they relate.

Here, you don't want to just let her go with the same thing as usual. You want to explore new territory. Give her new ideas to interrogate. Plug her back into herself in new ways. Get excited and make her excited about your excitement.

VI. But how do you get someone to start talking to you?

So, we know what to do once we're there, but how do we even get there? This is both the most and the least ritualized element of this.

One way is to simply start asking questions. Most of us wear our interests on our sleeves. On tumblr‖ you'll see us talk about things we like, so you can figure out pretty quickly what to ask about. Generally, someone does not write long posts about things that she does not find interesting to talk about.

But, going in can be hard. If you just say "tell me about X", your partner might think you're only doing this because you want something from her. Or she might care so little about you that she sees no reason to talk to you about it. Being truly purely passive does not work. You need to give your partner something to work with.

One strategy I've seen is the kind of 'instantlossbait' type, where the bottom feigns cluelessness and attempts to trick the top into using them. Here you might ask believably naive questions, present yourself as the 'ideal infodump victim' in a tongue in cheek way.

But, personally, I tend to favor "let's continue this in private". For this strategy, you take a public discussion that someone initiated or led about a topic, you closely read it and synthesize a question about the content, then you ask that question in private or in near-private. Then, from there, you continue to ask more questions. Voila, conversation is happening.

[ ‖sidebar 4: finding a partner on tumblr

There's also a good bit here I could say about choosing your partner. Frankly, I think social media is a bad space for this. If you're going after someone you follow, you're likely going on with some "expectation to perform", and you can't get rid of that no matter how hard you try.

As a rule, if you are meeting someone in a space, you want to meet someone who has the same relationship to the space as you do. Or, at the very least that you both perceive as such.

If this post takes off, I might write one on "finding a discord community", "founding a discord community", or "tumblr dming etiquette", though I'm not really an expert on the last one. We'll see. ]

VII. And then what?

So, you're being talked to, you're talking to people, you're participating in a conversation, albeit a relatively one sided one.

From here, you have a few options.

For one, you could just genuinely enjoy it as it is. I did, for a couple years. I think that true excellency in conversational bottoming can only be achieved through practicing intrinsic enjoyment of it.

You could also try taking turns. Maybe you do in fact have your own needs, and you want to talk and share too. A well rounded partner will have some skill both bottoming and topping. Though, I think only performing one role because you expect an opportunity to perform the other is bad practice, as common as it is.

Alternatively, you could gradually take more and more agency with your questions. As you gain comfort talking to someone, as you see her personality in how she speaks and learn who she is, you could put more of yourself into it. Bring in your own knowledge and your own ideas. And, slowly, reveal more of yourself as a person, and in the process of doing so you'll become more of a person.

[winged-void]

you know that thing in online video games where dps is generally by far the most desired role, and thus you can get your role more often and gain social capital by deciding to heal or tank instead? im like if a girl built its whole identity off that principle.

[cdigoddess]

[houndmother]

Consider: it is the healthiest and most normal thing in the world to go to your close friends and loved ones with problems in your friendships and relationships. Not to gossip, not to talk shit, but I go "Hey, me and (x, not related to my current partners) are on the rocks right now, can I talk it out with you?" and then you get input, advice, you get to process your feelings through conversation, then you're probably more equipped to go back to the person and go "hey I've been thinking and processing, I feel xyz."

Two major thoughts here:

Don't let anyone convince you that this type of conversation should only exist in therapy. Your friends and loved ones are there for you. Its called a support system for a reason. Getting advice and comfort is entirely different from talking shit.

If someone gets upset with you for talking about your interpersonal problems with your friends, its worth examining that dynamic. Why are they so worried other people will find out how they're treating you? This isn't like 100% always a bad thing, but like. Consider if there's other parts of the relationship that feel controlled. Consider how listened to and respected you feel, how safe you feel, how independent and free to act you feel.

[anarqueeen]

Punk is lame. Conformity is lame. Pissing your pants in a sex way is cool.

[cartoonscientist]

you’d be surprised at how many doctors will tell you that schizophrenics shouldn’t masturbate, have sexual fantasies or write/draw erotica, let alone date or have actual sex, because it “distracts them from recovery”, as if schizophrenia is a two week course of antibiotics and not a lifelong neurotype and disability

[cartoonscientist]

in general I notice this attitude in the schizophrenia and bipolar treatment community that people with these DXes are never allowed to do anything non-constructive that normal people can do in moderation, no alcohol, no caffeine, no thc, no going to late concerts or parties, no unplanned trips, no spontaneous situationships, not even junk food. the only thing we’re really allowed to partake in is nicotine, I assume because cigarettes and gum are good incentives for controlling our behavior. our lives have to be All Working On Ourselves, All The Time, because we have Erratic Crazy Person Who Can’t Make Their Own Decisions Disorder, and it’s an endless, thankless task because there’s no actual cure.

[cartoonscientist]

sane person goes through a depression era in high school and does one bad thing that wasn’t illegal or even really mean-spirited, just irresponsible: wow I’m so glad you’re through that, that was a tough time but you pulled through

insane person goes through a depression era in high school and does one bad thing that wasn’t illegal or even really mean-spirited, just irresponsible: sorry but we just don’t ever feel like we can trust you alone again even though you haven’t done anything like that in over a decade. this is why you can’t go to a party on your own at 32.

[themainspoon]

This is a named phenomenon, it's called the dignity of risk. Essentially, neurotypical and non-disabled people are allowed to make "bad" decisions. They're allowed to stay up late and drink too much and whatever else, even though those things could have negative impacts. However, people who aren't those things aren't afforded the ability to make "bad" decisions and do detrimental things. There's more to it than that but my shift is about to start, sorry.

[snoozeeroo]

(michael cera voice) do you want to be lesbians with me?

[catboybiologist]

It's really not the biggest issue right now but fucking hell I hate how much "hey guys look at this trans woman *art of a whole-ass man*" has been "wokified"

[catboybiologist]

I love clocky trans women as much as the next gal but even the clockiest trans women don't look like men in dresses day to day. Even if they're not on HRT, to be frank, but doubly so if they are. And if you think that a "clocky trans woman not adhering to traditional cis beauty standards" looks suspiciously exactly like a Buffalo Bill esque caricature but it's good this time you swear, you're just kind of telling on yourself that you don't know very many trans women in real life and are getting your entire perception of trans women from media. Oftentimes transmisogynist media.

[catboybiologist]

This is the extremely petty version of it, but the actual terrifying part of it is that it seems like advocating for "breaking the toxic standards of medicalization" has often eclipsed securing a right to healthcare in a lot of advocacy and political discussion online.

In person it's MUCH different, although I will say that people still have NASTY attitudes about surgeries.

There's a prevailing attitude that the worst sin the trans community has committed is some kind of appearance standard, and some people seem to think that breaking this is the point of trans advocacy. All the while abandoning a lot else.

Meanwhile cis society is SCREAMING in your ear that you look exactly like your AGAB, and should always broadcast your AGAB through intentional fashion and medical choices.

[catboybiologist]

And the depiction of trans women by drawing literal men is an extension of this.

The "toxic standard of passing" doesn't fucking exist. Society hates "passing" trans women as much, if not more, than ones they can clock. Part of transphobia is convincing you that transition doesn't work. It's convincing you that the few features you call "clocky" make you look like a man when they actually make you look like a kinda-tall woman with some sharp features that have a unique elegance, that to a trained eye *might* make someone suspect that you're trans.

There are more media depictions of trans women that are cis men wearing shitty fitting women's clothes than there are media depictions of trans women that look like women living their lives.

If you want to break a standard, depicting a passing trans woman who is confident, open, and unashamed about being trans is more subversive than your tepid, timid, submissive literally-just-a-man depiction of a trans woman ever will be.

[catboybiologist]

"I'm just trying to fight the rhetoric forcing trans women to be more feminine" look someone on a waiting list for HRT in the eye and say that shit again. Say that there is mass social pressure to distribute and get people to use HRT again, while looking a dysphoric trans woman in the eyes.

You are regurgitating social contagion rhetoric. Fucking stop it.

[catboybiologist]

And btw, if you're a trans woman who's gonna jump to my notes saying something like "oh but I literally do look like a man"

You're a victim of this. You've internalized this. You've been beat down by this, and I have so much compassion for you.

[catboybiologist]

Like yes it's nice to have representation of women who don't adhere to that standard of womanhood. But you need to realize that it's not "subversive" to depict us that way. There's nothing wrong with it in a vacuum, but you have to be a LITTLE cognizant of the cultural environment that those decisions exist in.

Again. What I want to see more of is trans women who "pass", but their transness isn't a dirty little secret. They have a choice of whether to let people know, and they actively choose to be open and broadcast their transness.

Absolute tired of every trans woman being depicted as a literal man or as a woman with a deep dark secret. Fuck you

[delicate-viscera]

you should dote on fat girls btw. you should make us feel cute and loved and adored btw

[delicate-viscera]

hi prev. i have historically only been found attractive in a fetishistic way and have been viewed/used as a tool for someone to indulge the disgusting “taboo” idea of enjoyable sex with a fat person. none of those experiences constitute being “doted on,” and certainly did not inspire feelings of being cute, loved, or adored. this post isn’t even about sexual attraction at all. it is about insisting that fat people, girls specifically, be lovingly cared for and fawned over to the same degree as our thin counterparts. i can appreciate the wariness when speaking to thin people, but doing this on a fat person’s post about wanting to be treated well is quite tone deaf. fetishization is a significant issue, but another part of the problem of fatphobia is that every time i (or any other fat person literally ever) make a post about fat people being treated well, however intensely serious or jokingly flippant, there is some caveat to this effect in the notes/comments. like yep, i’ve been fetishized. i’m decidedly not doing that here, and liking being fat and demanding others treat me well rather than as some erotic exception or object of desire in spite of my fatness is not something to waggle your finger at me about. thanks

[chloebangbang]

[catgirltoes]

[image: Calvin's dad, standing beside his bicycle, yells "I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon!"]

[horsegirl]

how can we lose when we’re so sincere is forever always one of my favourite peanuts bits

[horsegirl]

[doubleca5t]

Supermassive Black Hole lends itself to soundtracking one thing and one thing alone and that is a strip club. Supermassive Black Hole is the most perfect strip club rock song I've ever heard. I've heard rock songs *about* strip clubs that feel less suited to a strip club than Supermassive Black Hole. I have heard songs where sex is explicitly described in the lyrics that feel less sexy than Supermassive Black Hole. Supermassive Black Hole is a song so disgustingly, flagrantly, enticingly slutty that I sometimes feel legitimately shocked that it was made by a band that most people make fun of for sounding like if Radiohead sold out after their first album. It is a crowning achievement in stripper music that may never be topped in our lifetime. It is best known for soundtracking the scene in the first Twilight movie where they play baseball.

[dazeylily]

[new to sadism] I'm gonna hurt the blood out of you

[sqooops]

[new to masochism] no 😦