figuring out I was a lesbian was one of the hardest things to come to terms with because I knew I liked women but I had assumed it was in addition to an attraction to men, I never questioned if I really liked men like I questioned if I really liked women because liking women was different and liking men was expected.
I expected myself to like men, and I assumed when I liked a man, who I knew others would perceive as conventionally attractive, it meant I was attracted to him. I would obsess over these male “crushes” I created and eventually I’d get tired of them and notice that they weren’t actually attractive to me, and instead of addressing this I’d soon have another “crush” and another and another.
I identified as bi for a long time however I first “officially” came out to my family as omni, then pan, then bi, and I proceeded to flip flop from pan and bi. I remember settling on the bisexual label and initially being disappointed in myself for not being pansexual because I viewed it as the ideal sexuality, to love all kinds of people regardless of the limits of gender, I wanted nothing more but I had a strong preference for women that I couldn’t deny.
I then ditched most specific labels entirely and opted for umbrella terms like queer and sapphic. When I stated to seriously question if I was a lesbian and proceeded to have a large increase in random male “crushes” as a result of this (which I now realize was comphet), but like all the previous crushes they quickly expired and I had no interest in them anymore.
As someone who’s never even had her first kiss and never been in a relationship before, figuring out my queer identity has been incredibly hard. I asked myself if I could really know if I didn’t like men when I’ve never been with a man…or anyone at all?? But I thought, hypothetically, if a really really attractive man asked me out and wanted to be with me sexually I think would feel validated (because I’ve never been wanted in that way and I don’t know how it feels to actually be genuinely asked out) but I think I’d say no. If an attractive women asked me out though…hell yes.
Fast forward a whole year of college (I can’t believe I’m a sophomore now) I came to terms with my lesbian identity though I still struggle with comphet and internalized homophobia.
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