But, no, because there are reasons for all of those seemingly weird English bits.
Like āeggplantā is called āeggplantā because the white-skinned variety (to which the name originally applied) looks very egg-like.
The āhamburgerā is named after the city of Hamburg.
The name āpineappleā originally (in Middle English) applied to pine cones (ie. the fruit of pines - the word āappleā at the time often being used more generically than it is now), and because the tropical pineapple bears a strong resemblance to pine cones, the name transferred.
The āEnglishā muffin was not invented in England, no, but it was invented by an Englishman, Samuel Bath Thomas, in New York in 1894. The name differentiates the āEnglish-styleā savoury muffin from āAmericanā muffins which are commonly sweet.
āFrench friesā are not named for their country of origin (Belgium or Spain, depending who you ask), but for their preparation. They are French-cut fried potatoes - ie. French fries.
āSweetmeatsā originally referred to candied fruits or nuts, and given that we still use the term ānutmeatā to describe the edible part of a nut and āfleshā to describe the edible part of a fruit, that makes sense.
āSweetbreadā has nothing whatsoever to do with bread, but comes from the Middle English ābredeā, meaning āroasted meatā. āSweetā refers not to being sugary, but to being rich in flavour.
Similarly, āquicksandā means not āfast sandā, but āliving sandā (from the Old English ācwicuā - āaliveā).
The term boxing āringā is a holdover from the time when the āringā would have been just that - a circle marked on the ground. The first square boxing ring did not appear until 1838. In the rules of the sport itself, there is also a ring - real or imagined - drawn within the now square arena in which the boxers meet at the beginning of each round.
The etymology of āguinea pigā is disputed, but one suggestion has been that the sounds the animals make are similar to the grunting of a pig. Also, as with the āappleā that caused confusion in āpineappleā, āGuineaā used to be the catch-all name for any unspecified far away place. Another suggestion is that the animal was named after the sailors - the āGuinea-menā - who first brought it to England from its native South America.
As for the discrepancies between verb and noun forms, between plurals, and conjugations, these are always the result of differing word derivation.
Writers write because the meaning of the word āwriterā is āone who writesā, but fingers never fing because āfingerā is not a noun derived from a verb. Hammers donāt ham because the noun āhammerā, derived from the Old Norse āhamarrā, meaning āstoneā and/or ātool with a stone headā, is how we derive the verb āto hammerā - ie. to use such a tool. But grocers, in a certain sense, DO āgroceā, given that the word āgrocerā means āone who buys and sells in grossā (from the Latin āgrossariusā, meaning āwholesalerā).
āToothā and āteethā is the legacy of the Old English ātoĆ°ā and āteĆ°ā, whereas āboothā comes from the Old Danish āboĆ¾ā. āGooseā and āgeeseā, from the Old English āgÅsā and āgÄsā, follow the same pattern, but āmooseā is an Algonquian word (Abenaki: āmozā, Ojibwe: āmoozā, Delaware: āmo:sā). āIndexā is a Latin loanword, and forms its plural quite predictably by the Latin model (ex: matrix -> matrices, vertex -> vertices, helix -> helices).
One can āmake amendsā - which is to say, to amend what needs amending - and, case by case, can āamendā or āmake an amendmentā. No conflict there.
āOdds and endsā is not a word, but a phrase. It is, necessarily, by its very meaning, plural, given that it refers to a collection of miscellany. A single object canāt be described in the same terms as a group.
āTeachā and ātaughtā go back to Old English ātƦcanā and ātƦhteā, but āpreachā comes from Latin āpredicianā (āprƦā + ādicareā - āto proclaimā).
āVegetarianā comes of āvegetableā and āagrarianā - put into common use in 1847 by the Vegetarian Society in Britain.
āHumanitarianā, on the other hand, is a portmanteau of āhumanityā and āUnitarianā, coined in 1794 to described a Christian philosophical position - āOne who affirms the humanity of Christ but denies his pre-existence and divinityā. It didnāt take on its current meaning of āethical benevolenceā until 1838. The meaning of āphilanthropistā or āone who advocates or practices human action to solve social problemsā didnāt come into use until 1842.
We recite a play because the word comes from the Latin ārecitareā - āto read aloud, to repeat from memoryā. āRecitalā is āthe act of recitingā. Even this usage makes sense if you consider that the Latin āciteā comes from the Greek ācieoā - āto move, to stir, to rouse , to excite, to call upon, to summonā. Music ārousesā an emotional response. One plays at a recital for an audience one has ācalled uponā to listen.
The verb āto shipā is obviously a holdover from when the primary means of moving goods was by ship, but ācargoā comes from the Spanish ācargarā, meaning āto load, to burden, to impose taxesā, via the Latin ācarricareā - āto load on a cartā.
āRunā (moving fast) and ārunā (flowing) are homonyms with different roots in Old English: āƦrnanā - āto ride, to reach, to run to, to gain by runningā, and ārinnanā - āto flow, to run togetherā. Noses flow in the second sense, while feet run in the first. Simillarly, āto smellā has both the meaning āto emitā or āto perceiveā odor. Feet, naturally, may do the former, but not the latter.
āFat chanceā is an intentionally sarcastic expression of the sentiment āslim chanceā in the same way that āYeah, rightā expresses doubt - by saying the opposite.
āWise guyā vs. āwise manā is a result of two different uses of the word āwiseā. Originally, from Old English āwisā, it meant āto know, to seeā. It is closely related to Old English āwitā - āknowledge, understanding, intelligence, mindā. From German, we get āWitzā, meaning ājoke, witticismā. So, a wise man knows, sees, and understands. A wise guy cracks jokes.
The seemingly contradictory āburn upā and āburn downā arenāt really contradictory at all, but relative. A thing which burns up is consumed by fire. A house burns down because, as it burns, it collapses.
āFill inā and āfill outā are phrasal verbs with a difference of meaning so slight as to be largely interchangeable, but there is a difference of meaning. To use the example in the post, you fill OUT a form by filling it IN, not the other way around. That is because āfill inā means āto supply what is missingā - in the example, that would be information, but by the same token, one can āfill inā an outline to make a solid shape, and one can āfill inā for a missing person by taking his/her place. āFill outā, on the other hand, means āto complete by supplying what is missingā, so that form we mentioned will not be filled OUT into we fill IN all the missing information.
An alarm may āgo offā and it may be turned on (ie. armed), but it does not āgo onā. That is because the verb āto go offā means āto become active suddenly, to triggerā (which is why bombs and guns also go off, but do not go on).
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