Vladimir Putin Will Fuck You Up!

The unoffical official personal blog of the greatest leader in the history of Russia. And the world. And history. Also, ever.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

Are you following me on Instagram yet?

No?!

Why the fuck not?

Follow @the.boss.of.all.russia on Instagram right now, and help me also be the boss of all social media.

P.S. do not make me send the FSB to your house.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

Where did you guys say the St. Petersburg subway bomber was from? Kyrgyzstan? Alright, fire up all the tanks, boys. We are going to to motherfucking Kyrgyzstan.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

Okay, but seriously, Donald. You know how I covertly gave you 19% of Rosneft for becoming President and lifting some of those fucking Obama sanctions? Well, what do you say I slip, like, another 5% into your Swiss bank account and you send Kellyanne Conway over to work directly for me? That woman is a goddamn misinformation genius! And, look, I will be completely honest, I could really use her to train the next generation of F.S.B. agents.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

You guys know what is funny? The big deal people are making out of my “first” phone call with Donald Trump today! It is almost like I have not been sending him coded orders via our FSB sleeper agents in America for months!

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

Ahahahaha. Did you see that? She urinated all over the bed and splashed some of it on Donald Trump! Hold on, hold on. Allow me to rewind it so we can watch it again.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

I would like to take this time to wish a heartfelt Happy New Year to all Russians, with a special shout-out to those magnificent bastards at the F.S.B. and the genius accountants who have kept my billions off the books. And to Mother Russia herself. Oh, and to Bashar al-Assad. And Donald Trump. That is it. Everyone else on earth can go fuck themselves.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

Look, I know that fucking Obama expelled 35 of our diplomats for the hacking I totally did not order us to do, but I am telling you, Lavrov, do not worry. Come January 20 of the new year, the Russian Embassy in Washington and the White House will basically be the same place.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

'Dear Donald, congratulations on winning the election that we totally did not rig in your favour (the boys in the FSB hacking unit send a shout out, by the way). Let us celebrate by erasing all of your debts to Sberbank! Ahahaha. I am fucking kidding. Those debts do not go away until America does. Now get to work! From Russia with love, Vova.’

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

Right, so this is that next-level hardcore Spetznaz shit I asked for? Good, put one of these is my travel bag; I have an Ambassador to avenge.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

During a recent trip to Vladivostok these beautiful young ladies showed me one of their school computers. And I showed them how to hack into American government networks. Russian education system too strong!

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

I am very happy to proclaim that all-around badass martial arts action hero Steven Seagal is the newest citizen of Russia, but let us also be clear about the fact that he is still just the second toughest Russian in this photo.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

Ahahahaha, Donald Trump actually won?!  I truly am The Master Of Puppets.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

I love democracy so much I made sure to take a picture of myself voting in the recent State Duma elections. Or, wait, is this the picture of me feeding your votes for anyone but United Russia into a goddamn shredder? Ah, for fuck sake, I cannot remember. 

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

Look, allow me to clarify one thing: the International Paralympic Committee just banned Russia from the 2016 Paralympic Games for repeated doping violations. It was most definitely NOT because we tried to put rockets on the wheelchairs of our Paralympic wheelchair racing athletes.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

Sorry, I do not have time to comment on media speculation that Russia hacked the emails of the Democratic National Committee because I am busy hacking the emails of the Democratic National Committee.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

People are acting all shocked, saying “Oh, did you hear Vladimir Putin admitted that America is the world’s only superpower?!” So what? They are. But only because Russia is a super mega-awesome wicked badass power. And that is, like, ten times better. At least.

[vladimirputinwillfuckyouup]

So, Russian fans were getting into fights with English fans in France, and FIFA threatened to kick us out of Euro 2016 if it happens again? Okay, but, did the Russian fans win the fights? Oh, they did? Alright, so what is the big deal, then?