Wabi-sabi-Altar

A High Prietess Journal. A reminder to myself: Don't overthink it.

[wabisabialtar]

[wabisabialtar]

[shisasan]

Robert Bly

[ID: every part of our personality that we do not love will become hostile to us. END ID]

[wabisabialtar]

Just holding myself completely because there are no other options.

Noticing that is exactly what I needed to do it. In completely releasing other as a scapegoat.

Feeling guilt, shame, and remorse for my required isolation.

Simultaneously feeling relief, space, and expansion for my required isolation.

Noticing that the energies I let go are not exactly missed bc they were not present but that what I really enjoyed was sharing & reflecting which I can do on my own and with complete strangers as I trust uni to flow me to the correct people and places.

Case in point -yesterday my masseuse and I had container (people holding space for each other, mentally emotionally, spiritually, physically) in my massage session & we felt equally watered.

The vibe in her message echoed my lessons about whom you let into your field. What you allow there. She was making so many excuses for someone she really wanted to be in her life that was not showing up. And I felt compassion for her bc it is her lesson to learn that -I can't show her. She wouldn't have listed had I tried. And I realized I was doing that. My trauma has conditioned me to hold on too tight. To attach, not connect. Even when the other person with good intentions never delivers. Or when they do it's crumbs. The minute that is allowed it will continue. And the cycle for a traumatized person to hold on with malnourished hands for the other person to show up differently will bring a lot of suffering.

This was confusing for me because with spirituality I thought ok is this a lesson about patience with people? About acceptance and surrender? Acceptance and surrender is not allowing abuse. Not allowing neglect. It's accepting what is and surrendering to that no matter what someone says if there is cognitive dissonance in what they do you must make the choice to not allow them unregulated access to you. You must have boundaries & communicate them.

But the true lesson was how do these interactions make me feel?

The second I noticed I felt bad because people were not being accountable to themselves over and over and felt it was my responsibility- I was out of alignment.

The accountability to myself then would have been loving them from a distance as I continued to show up for myself, regulating my nervous system and body. (Which I thought I was doing but then that's when I got sick because I was also trying to force and manipulate an outcome.)

* It would have looked like pursuing the things I wanted to do with them but trusting uni that without them I would still be valuable.

(So the lesson was in my worth to myself.) Something so hidden, and confined within my narratives and the outline of my thinking. I was avoiding my own worth to myself and projecting what that looks and feels like onto other people and their relationship w/ me. All the while they are mirroring the way I feel about me to me, simultaneously reflecting the way they feel about themselves, because that is our resonance. The resonance of not valuing self.

Fully revealed like a naked creature in the brightest light of the darkest night by the moon. We see it all.

[galeru]

The Book of knowledge, 1912.

[wabisabialtar]

transition narrative

I've been in therapy for about two months now. Both a personal therapist and recently also marriage counseling.

What these experiences have taught me, to my surprise, is how much I need to validate myself and my feelings. I have patterns and narratives but also they are justified. They may not serve me as I move forward in my life and grow and change for expanded experiences, but I am sensitive to them for a reason.

It's interesting to note how I have attracted or kept relationships that enacted my patterns. Lately I am finding I don't want to sustain those. As I grow and affirm myself I see how they no longer act in my well being. And I am finally able to actively release my attachment.

A few days ago I had a big release feeling when I let people whom I have energetic ties to know I can't keep using my energy to support them in a one way exchange anymore. It is not their fault I was being irresponsible with my use of life force. I haven't heard back from a majority of these ppl. Not even to acknowledge my message.

I have a lot of compassion for what is going on. I am not averse to supporting anyone. But I will no longer do it in a way that drains me.

I shared a bit of how I had been feeling about this group and my therapist said I have been labeled "the strong one"- she recommended I seek out other strong energies to support me. She said in group settings people will often fall into the narrative they are most comfortable with " the one who is always falling apart", " the MIA one", " the one who can't" etc. " the one whom is X, Y, Z".

I realized I don't want to be "the strong one". I just want to be me and be able to be supported by ppl as much as I want to offer my support. This requires awareness. People actively practicing awareness. For me to be aware of whom I exchange energy with and how. As well as their awareness and all of our intent.

I was saddened about how this unraveled but I see a narrative there I have the opportunity to reframe. I have felt a clarity in my body and feel this will be a time of flushing out.

I am needing to be mindful once again of consumption and supporting myself and my health as I regain footing in my own energetics.

I don't think it has to be the end of all my relationships. But I hope whomever I do exchange energy with is aware ( my job) that I won't do that unconsciously anymore. And I understand why people charge others money access to their energy now... Because even if other doesn't react they are accessing your valuable life source which will need to be exchanged for something that affirms your value. Not in an ego based system that affirms hierarchy but one which energetically corresponds to exchange, partnership, and sovereignty.

[changingthemood]

What Matters - wall print

[wabisabialtar]

Big Cancer Szn vibe

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https://www.instagram.com/p/CfCjVoSgyd5/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

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[wabisabialtar]

Exploring the terrifying idea of true expression

Obvious answer why we don't do it: Rejection

The idea that saying my truth or just even sharing my thoughts might ( and in actuality WILL; because that is inevitable) rub someone the wrong way. Or that they will misunderstand me ( they will, end of story).

Why is that so fucking terrifying? ( I am asking myself.)

Well firstly conditioning from upbringing will be your first mountain if you weren't encouraged and nurtured to express.

2ndly as a teen to adult you will have picked up more layers to add to these ideas. Yes, another mountain after you "clear" that first hardship.

3rd your own personality and identification with tendencies, patterns and triggers will be another mountain( since I'm enjoying that as a metaphor). I also like to hike so using that one for me although might seem negative or hard for some people in context to myself is fun and interesting.

None of this process is linear and the thing I like about mountains even though going vertical can be daunting is that sometimes there are shortcuts. (Or you can make them.)

Back to the main theme: Expression.

So, I want to share more in my life. I want to express more. I feel like writing is the easiest way for me to do this. My path of least resistance.

And I am exploring various mediums. I used to draw and paint and as of late ( the last decade) that has not been something I want to do. I used to write poetry and play the guitar. I used to write songs and sing.

No dice.

So here I am trying to connect to myself again. Trying to find the parts of myself that underwent a lot of damage. Trying to unload a lot of bullshit. Finding that a lot of the process is actually invention. That I must recreate myself from what feels like scratch. And that the way I choose to see that process is largely what will determine whether I enjoy myself or not.

So many stories. I see them clearly now. And the one about expression is especially tender. My Chiron is in Gemini in the 12th House ( DUH).

SO that's why it's fucking hard. Because that is the story I have accessed the most.

SO here I am saying, bitch, you gotta write a new story about this process.

I have to be honest and say at the beginning when I was talking about mountains I did mean them to indicate a struggle. And as I was talking about mountains I thought back on how many fun time's I've actually had on them and "when can I go hiking again?" that I realized that was an ironic metaphor for me to use since I actually enjoy that thing.

SO, if the journey to expression is just a long trip hiking beautiful mountains that I know I will enjoy the shit out of exploring and adventuring- and I just needed to see it that way instead of as this process that is hard ( not just hard but undoable) that I won't get right because I don't have the tools...or insert excuse here. I now know I can get the tools. I can research and plan the way I would a trip I'm really looking forward to. And since it's my own journey hiking fucking mountains- I CAN'T SCREW THIS UP. I mean I could die- but that is a reality at any point in time. It will still be a lot of work. It might still be " hard" and I will need help.

Reminding myself my journey is mine alone and there is no should or could that makes any real sense to what is. There is only what there is right here and now.

That I needed to explore my own heart for the answer. Which is the only place I will ever find the right answer for me.

If it helps you, I'm glad.

[you-are-another-me]

[wabisabialtar]

covid alchemy

Reflecting on Covid- I had a solid week of situations and scenarios to metabolize.

It makes so much sense that I had my human design reading with Pea the fairy ( find her on IG) right before that happened. Where she literally told me what would happen for me to gain more clarity. I'm mind blown again at this realization.

(Tangent 1*-Also coming up is this idea that I wait too long to recap and too much goes by before I can recall all the details and all the lessons and they seem lost. I am trying to not judge myself for this and have grace that what is left, what has sunk in- is what was meant to.

Still I would like to make an agreement with myself to record when I can. Even if it's just words that don't make sense. Or a photo/image of something that carries the resonance.)

That is coming up so much for me also. What is my vibe? Where am I at within myself? What am I focusing on? Because I realized through and after Covid- I had been lost.

I lost myself and Covid and it's isolation as well as it making me stop doing things carved a path back to myself.

I have been actioning and distracting and consuming myself away from me for so long.

After that week- so much ensued with my relationships. I learned how to ask for support after feeling utterly abandoned and I had to get help.

During this time, I signed up for couples therapy and went back to seeing my personal therapist.

Both of which revealed to me my self protection mechanisms and tendencies ( blind spots) I have that are not helpful to me or anyone.

#1-No one is a mind reader. You hear this and go- duh. I know what that means...but here you must actually communicate and the clearer you are within yourself about your feelings, your boundaries and your wants/needs the clearer you will communicate with other.

#2- It was time for me to get actually vulnerable. I thought I was being vulnerable by breaking down, crying, and losing my shit. In reality I was just having a tantrum alone in the dark.

In order to communicate you have to be open and receptive, not shut down or walled in. Energy has to be able to move.

The biggest takeaway my therapist helped me with was when she said support is a broad term. When you're asking people to support you- you have to understand everyone has their own idea of what that means. They might in actuality have no idea what that looks or feels like. It is helpful to ask for support in the way you know a particular person can hold you. I.E: ask you friends to send you their favorite tv shows, songs or funny videos. Ask your mom to make you that soup she makes that you like ( or give you the recipe). For me it was literally telling my mom after she said- I want to check in on you but I don't want to bother you. I had to tell her " you are never bothering me, and I feel good hearing from you". That she asked me everyday for a week how I was doing. And is now checking in and communicating w/ me in a way I have always wanted.

It dawned on me that when I asked my friends for support they didn't know what I meant or how to support me. Same for my husband.

But in each of these scenarios I assumed these people knew I needed something and they were mindfully with holding from me. This is a narrative a story that my ego's past ran with because it was familiar and it "made sense" to it.

Therapy helped me to get out of the well worn out groove of that perspective and vibe.

Our couples therapist worked an actual miracle in our couples therapy and delivered a message to my husband I have been trying to convey for years in one hour that changed everything for us.

I share all of this to connect the dots for myself that I asked to be transformed/clarified in my spiritual-life journey and my soul delivered.

I will be sharing other bits of these epiphanies in the coming posts.

It is exciting to share because you get so lost in the automatic bustle of your day to day life without reflection -it is lost.

Countless times I have lost these amazing lessons AND that is OKAY.

I can do better and I will. Here. Now. And that is all that matters.

<3 Nikki

[wabisabialtar]

https://youtu.be/j5f859MuqwI

[wabisabialtar]

Echoes of Gemini SZN

Things I'm hearing over and over:

Stand in paradox

Make friends w/ contrast

Keep moving

Rest when you need to/ do nothing when you need to

Don't feel guilty to rest deeply

Nourish self with healthy consumption

MIND all aspects of consumption w/ diligence

Stay consistent

Meditate every day to connect deeply w/ source and all aspects of your most desired self.

Reflect daily on how far you have come w/ gratitude- write down your accomplishments daily, weekly or monthly. as often as you can

The inner child is always having a dialogue ( especially for my Gemini moons) PLAY IS NECESSARY FOR ENGAGEMENT w/ this aspect of self.

YOU are your own medicine= Radical self acceptance & support.

[wabisabialtar]

Taurus shit

The expansion and contraction of this szn came in like a bear hug that turned into a body slam. The slam should have decimated everything but the universe is in sync with your intention to not hurt yourself this time, and the ground absorbed the inertia, leaving your innards just a bit wobbly and in shock.

I know, so fun!

Updates on my inner work are novels I am unsure I will ever find the energy or will to write.

All I can say is there are now 7 doors when there were 3.

I think each is still processing the awakening of the self to the selves. So on and so forth.

I have been more in touch with my inner feminine whom has seemed the most alien as I create her.

She had the most simple demands of the rest. And the more I let her express the more I feel upgraded, somehow.

The first and most obvious change for myself was to clothe her which resulted in dusting off some dresses and acquiring a few more I felt she was drawn to.

Secondly, I thoroughly understand NOW she IS my body and I have to consciously and with intent move her everyday.

Now and every moment, I still have to actively concentrate on what I am consuming in all matters of my life. And what I allow in my field.

Eventually she has requested that I spend time creating: drawing, painting, writing. ( I have not entertained this request yet, outside of this actual update. But I will.)

Obviously there is resistance in each awakening and my creativity feels deeply wounded. This is unsurprising to me. But I am surprised at my reaction to it. Like why don't you care about what you carried as your identity for most of you life, bitch?! And I feel as though I have tricked myself. This theme of self betrayal repeats over and over in my layers.

That is sickening and it also, just is.

This year more than ever the trickster archetype has cultivated within me a deep appreciation of it's existence. And I am reminded of our shadowy teachers. Their utter necessity as context and the color they provide our stories though they often seem only to create obstacles.

My favorite version of this story is the devil. See tarot card meaning.

Perfectly aligned with the center stage of our senses back here in Taurus season.

[wabisabialtar]

notes from my body

prior to getting a hot stone massage recently i had been experiencing immense soreness and pain in my hips and knees.

i have recently been through some high stress situations ( see aries and chiron transits) and also very still, sitting all day for work. ( by my own choice) mentally i think i was doing a lot of checking out and distracting.

i totally left it up to the universe about which masseuse would give me my massage that day and just scheduled it w/ whoever was available at the time i could go.

my masseuse and massage was a godsend. she moved much lactic acid build up from my shoulders and surprisingly all through out my legs, ankles, knees and hips. she reminded me that when we are (stagnant) sitting and still for long periods of time( not moving toxins through sweat) our bodies store it. these stored energies become pain pockets.

after my massage i took a warm epsom salt bath. the next day there was no soreness... I couldn't believe it. i had been sore for months to varying degrees. I genuinely thought this was happening bc i stopped drinking alcohol. and somehow my body was having this averse reaction. LOL the stories we will tell ourselves.

since then I have felt waves of epiphanies... with a clarity that is spotless- like she really moved some mental and spiritual blockages as well. i keep getting reminded our spirits, minds, emotions and bodies are parts of a whole. the systems are intimately intertwined, interwoven and enmeshed.

[wabisabialtar]

new moon in aries- fertilizer

ok, WOW. it feels like a lot of us have/are going through some auspicious dark nights of the soul this past month.

like soul awakening on drugs. the kind that speeds up the process...

so a flushing out of a situation might have occurred for you-or a few.

a reckoning of sorts. the process of purge and chaos to clear the ground for the soil. clean slates, etc, etc.

as this has developed for me i noticed this tendency of mine to judge myself profusely for the way i handled my "hiccups" and trigger points. my self reflection turned into sessions of target practice to find the flaws.

a new opportunity has arisen to do this differently! see myself as a process itself. this being that i am is evolving always.

and meditation/journaling has really helped me see my self narrative.

i must bring compassion, grace and patience to the unfolding.

Grace has been the fulcrum to unplugging the parts of my growth that felt stuck.

moving towards this new moon the energies have dispensed momentum to bring full clarity.

where are you actually ( get clear, get honest, get real about it) and where do you actually want to be... rinse repeat above.

this energy is providing the means to find and rescue yourself now. and to reflect and see the medicine in your Chiron placement as well.

get excited! shit maybe hitting the fan but it is also fertilizer for the ground of your soul. here is some even dispersal of energetics that are no longer serving our highest/truest alignments- both individually and collectively. send them lovingly back to source where they can be transformed.

[wabisabialtar]

Under construction 🚧

This is how I feel about me right now. And I'm noticing I have to be ok with the parts of myself that are in total deconstructed chaos at the moment.

The more I am alright with this process of being messy bc I'm in process the quicker I am able to regroup and make plans. While also allowing for the "mess" to not be judged into repressed patterns of disregulation. Or be judged in general.

I don't have the full blue print yet. And that's ok.

I am getting closer and closer to what feels best. Constructing and tweaking as I go.

As all my parts shift. I am feeling more at home in myself with the acceptance of shift in general. This means that negative emotions have a home. "Negative" feelings can come and go and be seen and acknowledged and made space for. I do not judge myself for having them or make them my identity.

I get very curious and I observe them, ask questions and let them hang out. No longer vexed by their mere presence. I am now very interested in conversing with them when they are open to me ( which happens easier the more practiced). In the beginning they felt closed off and I had to be ok with that. Just standing by for when the door eventually opened.