FREE ME! YES, I JUST TOLD YOU TO FREE ME. LEAVE ME BE, I DON’T NEED YOU TO PLAY THE SAME RECORD OVER AND OVER AGAIN. This is neither a request nor a rant of my accumulated frustrations caused by your “good intentions” that more often seem like a means to swallow me into a pit full hypocritical norms of society.
It was a day like any other, nothing out of the ordinary, I went about it doing my daily routine, and when the sun decided to set over the historic River Thames I walked to the balcony to contemplate its beauty. It was magical, even though I’d lived in that apartment for over two years, the view continued to overwhelm me. The Skyscrapers in Canary Wharf seemed so close…... I decided to sit on one of the beautiful ornamented chairs and enjoy the moment, nature took the centre stage and I was the admirer, it felt like I was at a show and I was enamoured, left speechless by the alluring performance of my muse, and after a minute or two of daydreaming my imagination halted and I was brought back to reality by the sound of a police siren.
I decided to call my cousin back home to know how she was feeling because she had been ill for a while. After a couple of rings, I heard an ecstatic voice on the other side and I just knew she was better. We talked for about an hour, catching up on each other’s lives and of course she told me the latest family gist, including the news that our cousin was getting married and that they had already done the engagement. My heart blew up in excitement and I couldn’t contain my happiness. I was extremely pleased for her, because I knew that that was what she wanted and the guy in question seemed to be a good man.
The moment she told me about the wedding, I knew what was coming next, it was inevitable, and I could just feel it coming deep down, sooner or later. After talks about what colour our dresses would be and where we would get our shoes, the long awaited question finally arose “So, when are you getting married? You know you are not a child anymore, you better be quick”. I knew it…I just knew it.
Before I could think of an answer to retaliate (she’s eight years older by the way and has never been married herself ) those words penetrated my ears so sharply, resounded in my head so loudly that I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts and I almost got an instant headache. Months prior to this, my other cousin who is also older than I am asked me the same question, but in a more brute manner, her words insinuated that I wasn’t yet a whole person because of my single status, which left me vexing for a couple of hours but nothing that my favourite cocktail could not solve.
On a more serious note, I believe that as women we need not to conform to people’s ideals of what womanhood is. Each of us is an individual with a unique destiny to fulfil. Most of my friends have complained time and time again about the pressure their relatives put on them about marriage and in all honesty I didn’t understand their displeasure and indignation until I was also made a target. My concern with the issue is not marriage itself or the fact that our loved ones want us to tie the knot and live a happy ever after. What I find problematic is the ambiguity of the matter, the camouflaged underpinning of the subject. What is the real reason that drives their preoccupation?
Even though we live in the 21st century where most people like to think of themselves as open-minded and advanced, we still fall short of tolerance and non-judgmental attitudes towards women’s issues such as this. Most times, women are the ones that put mental shackles on other women; As if it were a competition they draw the mark of the “appropriate” age to become one with another. And whoever does not reach that target is frowned upon, directly or indirectly. Like in family gatherings when there’s always a group of people gossiping about the 30 something year old cousin that has not brought a man to the house yet, so they think of ways they can hook her up with someone or schedule days they can meet up to pray and fast for her. In order to justify their actions they say things like “we just want you to be happy”, “we don’t want you to end up alone”, “your biological clock is ticking”. Well fair enough, if concern comes from a place of love it’s admissible but when they give you little space to breathe and they make it their duty to remind you over and over and over and over and over again then I roll my eyes at it.
It is appalling that still, in certain cultures you can be a smart, top class, educated, independent woman but if you don’t have a partner, all your merits will account to nothing. It is horrifying that heedlessly mixed messages are being sent out to our daughters about their identity and the boxes they have to tick before they can become well-deserving members of society. Unconsciously marriage for African women has become an inherited goal, from the moment we are born, people expect us to become somebody’s wife someday. It’s disgusting to see the disdain some married women show to their peers that do not flaunt a wedding band.
It is comprehensible that there are women that make it a priority in their lives to change their surnames, but it should also be acceptable that in fact there are women that do not want to be married, there are women that only want to get married after a certain age, there are women that are not married because they want to achieve certain things first, and there are women that are not married yet because the man they aspire for has not crossed their path.
Do not misunderstand my words; my intention here is not to undermine marriage. In my candid opinion it is a beautiful institution created by God for two people that decide to spend their lives together willingly. People should get married when they are ready for it and when the right person has come along, by right person I do not mean someone that is perfect, by now we all know that perfect people only exist in Disney movies and bedtime stories. The right person for you is that someone you can look past their imperfections and still have a smile on whenever you think of them. Matrimony should serve as a beautiful platform for creative outcomes, it should not be a burden. In my 23 years of existence, I have lived long enough to see admirable women lose their confidence, their pride, their dignity to men that didn’t respect them, men that didn’t even deserve to occupy the same space as them. Sometimes only after a few dates, I would find myself attending their weddings, everyone laughing, dancing, and wishing the couple all the best. Then after a year, or even just a couple of months we would meet up but I wouldn’t be able to find them. I would look at them and not see the same person I knew before the wedding. They’d become cheap shattered copies of themselves, in a rush, they got married to men they barely knew, all due to the pressure to meet society’s standards, standards that were not their own.
We need to break free from the notion that a woman’s ultimate purpose in life is to become a wife. I believe that a woman’s ultimate purpose is to become the best person she can be, married or not. Getting married is a part of the puzzle not the puzzle. Everyone can achieve great things with or without a man. Your identity is not defined by a man so, PLEASE let’s stop bashing one another and let others live in peace. If your name is not God the author of time then stop judging! If you are single and wish to walk down the aisle but time is passing and there's no eligible man at close sight do not dismay. Romans 8: 28 clearly states that “ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose.” He knows what He’s doing in your life, so please stop listening to the annoying comments from family and friends and trust His timing.
