I Use This Beacuse I Dont Have Money For A Shrink

This blog is exclusively for my maladaptive daydream materials

[escapepodding]

It would be really funny if Ilya's bachelor party takes on mythic status because of his reputation, with tonnes of rumours and people saying there's nothing on social media because people had to sign NDAs, only for it to never have happened. Too many people joked about throwing him the wildest party ever and he spent the time in between the season ending and the wedding ducking and weaving plans because he was NOT jeopardising this! He is not waking up just before marrying Shane in another country, in jail, or drunkenly married to someone else! He just wants to marry the love of his life so bad he's not even waiting to order chairs, STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!

[argillaforma]

au where shane doesn’t like casual hookups because he knows he needs a lot of aftercare and he doesn’t think he can ask a stranger to do that because he might be Too Much™️ but rose forces him to go out with her and he meets ilya at a bar and they end up going back to shane’s place to have sex and afterwards ilya can tell there’s something that’s bothering shane and ilya is afraid that he hurt him or that shane regrets it but shane ends up telling ilya that it’s because his brain does this annoying thing after sex sometimes and the only thing that really helps is being physically close to someone like lay on top of me and crush me close and he’s like thanks for having sex with me i understand if you have to go and ilya’s heart breaks a little for this guy he just met with these beautiful bambi eyes so he’s like lay down i will lay on top of you and crush you for as long as you want

[lavenderprose]

Crucially #myshane plays to his twentieth season which is just long enough to have the experience of meeting Ottawa's new draft prospect, also named Shane, and to smile and jokingly say, "Hey nice name," and for the rookie to gulp and say, "Thank you sir I am named after you" and that makes Shane sit in his stall and stare at the floor between his skates for. Significantly too long to be healthy.

[jewelcoatfish]

additionally after retirement he watches hockey as usual and there’s a match that has like 3 shanes on both teams and one of the commentators remarked at how many shanes there are and his colleague just stares at him like “why the fuck do you think?” and ilya cackles next to him because there are at least 5 shanes that had cycled through the ottawa roster since their 20th season and a few other in montreal and the atlantic division overall

[shanyshko]

ilya mad shane came up to talk to him like he wasn't stalking the fuck out of shane in that ice rink. yeah he just happened to be watching canadian men's figure skating the day after losing to latvia complete coincidence shane was there. it's like when cats bite you after following you into a room. shane's like omg kitty! and ilya is like NOOOO NO NO YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE ME OBVIOUSLY FOLLOWING YOU

[russianblush]

shane loves when ilya whines for his cock in the same tune of "no hollander i want to fuck you" with his lips pressing into the sensitive patch of skin beneath shane's belly button before looking up at him, eyes wide and his mouth downturned into a frown. they both know shane will give in but ilya really likes to play it up for him when shane is trying to be aloof about it while ilya kneels on the floor between shane's legs in their living room.

"but shane," ilya makes it worse on him by laying his head on shane's thigh, eyeing the obvious bulge that neither of them acknowledge out loud, "i want to suck your cock," and slides his hands up shane's thighs and under his athletic shorts, begging "please - please - shane, please" while pressing kisses everywhere but his crotch. burying his face into shane's stomach and letting out a fake sob and whine until shane relents like he hasn't been wanting to break the second ilya kneeled in front of him

[argillaforma]

hollanov at their kid’s autism assesment and the doctor says that autism can be genetic and asks if anyone in the family has autism and shane says no at the same time as ilya says yes

[hollanovverse]

[samehere-onlyone]

[himbomarleau]

Thinking about a scenario where Marleau goes to all stars instead of Ilya because Ilya is injured and he ends up hanging out with Shane all weekend and they actually hit it off? Shane is nervous because he knows Marly is Ilya's bro and he doesn't want to embarrass himself in front of him. Marleau is sticking with Shane because he's a bit in awe of playing on the same team as The Shane Hollander. Eventually Shane starts letting out his bitchy one liners under his breath and Marleau is eating it up. By the end of the weekend they are a chirping machine. Marleau is teeing Shane up and Shane is landing the most devastating insults.

Marleau comes back to Boston and is like man Roz you would love Hollander if you could get past the rivalry and Ilya is just staring wide eyed at him. Marly is going off about how funny Shane is and talking up his hockey iq. Ilya is just like ha ha. Yes. If only I didn't hate his guts... meanwhile he's furiously texting "Jane" "Marleau is my friend. You can't have him"

[eastofshane]

angry kitten angry bambi

[eastofshane]

soft bambi

[gaynehollander]

I'm actually not done talking about Shane playing Never Have I Ever. On several occasions one of the Centaurs says something Shane's never heard of before, and when he asks what it is Ilya shakes his head and says, "just drink."

[lexicanons]

Post TLG, Shane has a rare completely off night. He was awful and he knows it. When they get back to the locker room after the loss, Shane goes to apologize to the team. Before he can start, the team just pushes him out of the way and surrounds Ilya. They’re like “Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? What’s your problem?” and Ilya is so confused as to why they’re upset with him because he played well despite losing. Someone is like “Cap, it’s your job to put out and you clearly haven’t been and that’s why Shane is playing like shit, so why are you not giving it up?”. Someone else explains that they figured out a while ago that Shane plays like a God when he’s getting laid regularly, and goes back to being a normal human when not, so they need to know why Ilya isn’t bending over and giving it up. They start assuming that something is medically wrong and Bood is like “Well if Ilya can’t take it then someone on the team has to step up” and Luca is immediately like “I’ll let Shane fuck me…I mean for the sake of team and everything…if I must…I’m not actually eager or anything…like I haven’t thought about this at all…ever!” Ilya starts yelling at the team, telling them that everything is fine, but they yell back and now everyone is arguing. Meanwhile, Shane is very amused by the fact that the team thinks he’s the top.

[gaynehollander]

Shane Hollander, literal stars in his eyes, staring up at Ilya as though he hung the moon and stars, barely able to breathe around his desire for him, such a soft smile on his face: “you’re an asshole”

[phoebewritess]

I feel like everyone talks about how great of a father Ilya is gonna be because he's so good with kids so often, that we ignore Shane has THE most dad energy I've ever seen. He's standing beside his kids while they watch TV, claiming he's not watching because he has stuff to do. He's up at 7am on a saturday mowing the lawn or fixing stuff in the bathroom you didn't even KNOW needed fixing. His kids come home from practice and he's watching the most niche ass hockey stats breakdown video on youtube and he is SAT and focused for all 40 minutes. Oh you mentioned you like something? He's picking several up from the store DONT comment on it. All of his texts have periods, are straight to the point, and include either "OK" or "👍"

And he's the best dad a kid could ask for.

[jewelcoatfish]

hollanov taking an after game interview together because of plot convenience reasons and ilya was chirping the opposing team about their first line points per game being barely scraping 0.4 when shane tapped his arm lightly and ilya leaned towards him. all the reporters perk up because omg are we gonna see shane hollander disciplining ilya rozanov live???? this is TEA. and ilya just nodded and said

“apologies, my husband wanted to correct that their first line pgp was 0.34. which was more pathetic than i originally assumed.”

[paperdollinsane]

Ilya holding him still in this position and relentlessly pounding into him while shane just moans and trembles and takes it because he can’t do anything else

[gaynehollander]

I firmly believe that Ilya and Shane reveal their timeline to the Centaurs entirely by accident. Someone makes a comment in the locker room about how fucking horned up they are for each other. It's difficult not to notice the daily addition of new bruises and scratches and hickeys on both of their bodies and it's a well known fact that whoever ends up rooming next to them on the road will require industrial grade noise cancelling headphones. They've been living together for several years now and it doesn't seem to be slowing down at all. It's bordering on an intervention, the guys saying things like "honestly, it's worrying," and "how can two people have that much sex??"

Shane's actually the one to accidentally reveal the timeline, when he says "I mean, if you average it out by the seven years where we only saw each other a few times a year and the four years we were long-distance, we're probably still behind most couples."

The locker room falls silent for a few seconds before the whole team entirely loses their shit. "ELEVEN YEARS," "what the fuck, no, what the fuck," "since rookie season???" and the cat's out of the bag so Shane corrects them, "summer before." Meanwhile Ilya's just grinning maniacally in the corner, so pleased that Shane was the one to spill the beans because they were both sure Ilya would be the one to do it.