Maybe I'm supposed to be alone?

Made this to vent because I know people on every other social media I have. General sadboi writings and other things I want out of my head He/Him

[realslutty-deactivated20180102]

[wearehavingafiresale]

Its times like these when I feel no love from anyone that I want to talk to you

But im not going to give you the satisfaction

I ache to hear your voice and even more to hear your laugh

But I'm not going to give you the satisfaction

I miss you so much but you probably never even think about me, it would be nice to hear from you

But I'm not going to give you the satisfaction

[foresart]

It’s OTGW season again！

[wearehavingafiresale]

It was you that wanted me

It was you that pushed me away

It was you that brought me back in

But I was never enough

I would have done anything for you

You coaxed words out of my mouth that i told no one else

Just to drop me the next day

I will be your ego booster no more

[wearehavingafiresale]

I am going to start taking everthing personally. Every person ive ever been interested in that has shunned me away, I will be better and when you realize what you've lost, you'll never be able to get me back

[wearehavingafiresale]

At least I know she talks to me the most 💛💛💛

[wearehavingafiresale]

I feel like a fucking idiot

[wearehavingafiresale]

I've been alone my whole life excluding my mom. It hasn't always been the best but it's ok. But seeing other people around me happy and building a life with someone they love is breaking my heart. I try so hard to find someone that will love me for who I am. Maybe that's the problem though, I try too hard. Or maybe it's that I love too hard. Probably both. I lost my father half a year ago and I'm terrified to lose my mom. Because without her I will truly be alone. Who will I call when she goes? Who will be there for me? I won't be able to do it on my own. I love being alone, I truly do. But I just wish I had someone to be alone with. Someone to hold at night when I go to bed. Someone who loves me. I'm starting to think it will never happen. Maybe i should just focus on myself

[wearehavingafiresale]

I do so much to end up back at the same places. I need something else, someone else. Maybe I'm too picky. Maybe I'm not as good as I think I am. I'm just so fucking tired of being alone. Tied of looking at everyone else around me to see that I'm the third wheel. I'm the one who's all by himself. I just want a partner. I'm probably just too picky

[wearehavingafiresale]

At least I know she talks to me the most 💛💛💛

[wearehavingafiresale]

Everyone needs things differently. But who can give me what i need? Why do I need more? Contentedness fills inside the hearts and bodies of the masses. Stopping short of what they should have, and instead filling themselves with poison. It's such an attractive toxin, to think you can tame the untamable. To think that out of all the attempts from those before you, whose dreams and effort have been suffocated, that you can tame that beast. Maybe that's what you need, but i need more.

I don't want the poison, I want the sun. I want the sun to shine a light into my soul and awaken who I truly am. The sun to shine so bright it, the only thing that can put it out is death. But I sometimes dip into the toxin. It sees me best when I am weak. It can smell me. It wants me. And I succumb. But in the end, I need more. 

Occasionally, a light will shine. But it's the sludge in disguise. Trying to infect me. The poison is here and available for everyone. Until its not. And when it is not is when you need it most. So you become the toxicity. You infect others. But it's not the same. Nothing can make you feel better. The pyramid has already started expanding. The people that you infect are infecting others and it stems from you. But I always get away, because I need more.

It's just not enough for me. I sink in, but I always get out. The more I sink, the faster I get out. It's getting harder and harder to search for my sun. It's the only thing keeping me living. It's the only thing that makes me go back to the poison. A neutral life sounds great. I need more.

James Nash

[wearehavingafiresale]

Open yourself up

You've been closed to long

[wearehavingafiresale]

Talking so much, but still feel alone

My body aches, to feel a touch

I want to hold you, I don't care about that other stuff

But you neglect me, you turn away while I'm right there

I'm right in front of you, why can't you see me

[wearehavingafiresale]

I think I found someone I could like. Gotta remember to pace myself, I have to take time for myself

[wearehavingafiresale]

I never get my love back

It always escapes me

I try to put into the world love that is pure

A kind of love that you can't take away with time or words

But I get nothing in return

I'm not doing it for a reward

I don't even want people to know I do it

But it would be nice to know that its helping someone at least

To know that my love for a random person on the street sparked something in someone

To know that my love will come back to me

But as I look around my life I feel none

Maybe im to picky about who i let in

Maybe I need to be more picky about who I let in

I just wish someone would love me the way I love the world

[wearehavingafiresale]

It's finally over, after tomorrow I'll have my heart back. You wanted it so bad before, but you didn't even remember taking it. I'll pick it up on your porch, God I hope I don't see you. But even if i do, after tomorrow I'll have my heart back. I really do this too often, lose myself in something. Lose myself in death, in love, in lust, in sadness. I'd rather take charge, but my brain won't let me. Thoughts in my head are always about us, and what i could've done differently. You say you don't like me anymore, but my thoughts say what if? You made me feel things I've never felt, and things I never want to feel again but I will. Over and over my feelings will fall out of me, and I'll belong to something else. I'll have to give it some medicine, but it'll be good as new. I'll change his sheets and make sure he's feed, after tomorrow I'll have my heart back.

J. Nash

[wearehavingafiresale]

I'm tired of being alone

[wearehavingafiresale]

The constant need to be numb is effecting me. The thoughts won't stop.