Made of Millions

On a mission to change how the world perceives mental health.

[wearemadeofmillions]

“No one told me that other people experience gender like I do. That other people feel this way. That I didn’t have to pretend. That I shouldn’t feel ashamed.⁣ ⁣ As a child, I sometimes had moments when I hated being a ‘girl’. I would wear baggy clothes to hide my body, wished to cut my hair short and wanted to just be like the boys I knew. I would hide these feelings from other people. Other times, I would have periods where I loved being a ‘girl’ and these moments would make me feel ‘normal’ and provide a sense of relief. ⁣ ⁣ These experiences of loving and hating my gender continued throughout my childhood and adolescence, and with them came a great sense of secrecy, self-hatred and guilt. The people around me didn’t have the vocabulary, nor the context, to relate to and understand me. I wouldn’t even tell my therapist about these feelings because I was afraid of how they would react.⁣ ⁣ It wasn’t until recently, that I discovered the word ‘genderqueer’ and found a community of people that understood and honored my experiences. Being out and accepting myself has very positively impacted my mental health and wellbeing. I am now able to embrace and thrive in my gender fluidity and in fact, it’s now something that I’m now grateful for and celebrate.”⁣ ⁣ From Kay of the joinviolet.com team 💜 #NoOneToldMe

[wearemadeofmillions]

“No one told me that I would have a life-changing injury. I used to think my purpose in life was to be an athlete and that was how I was going to change the world. I didn’t know that I was going to tear my quad right before college and have it ball up and die in my thigh. ⁣ ⁣ I didn’t know how to cope with the fact that my athletic career would never quite be the same. My entire life I believed I was put on this earth for one reason. What do you do when you realize that’s not so true anymore? I was no longer in control of my life. I no longer knew who I was. I was hurting physically and even more mentally to a point where I almost took my own life. ⁣ ⁣ I didn’t know that the lowest point in my life would also be the turning point in my life. As I laid in that hospital bed I began to realize that I wanted more out of life. This led to me eventually finding my new passion in entrepreneurship and writing. I was able to create a non-profit that helps young aspiring student entrepreneurs across the country. I was also able to write and publish my own book, A New Lane, about my journey from being a student athlete and overcoming my obstacles to being a successful student entrepreneur. ⁣ ⁣ I thought my life was over when I had my injury, little did I know my new life had just begun.”⁣ ⁣ From @brandonmoorer_ of @yedcorp 💜 Brandon was featured in episode 5 of our series #TheLineUp hosted by @benruvo and @dgold_5. Head to our YouTube channel to watch & learn more about his mental health journey. #NoOneToldMe

[wearemadeofmillions]

"Growing up, I attributed my ambition to being half-Virgo and an immigrants' kid. It was cool when I was in school; making my parents proud made me proud but just like any other high, it doesn't last. Because if you base your identity on external rewards, just like Lin-Manuel said, you will never be satisfied. You'll push yourself to go harder and faster, and even when you win, you can't relax... and sometimes the pressure breaks you.

Only as an adult have I realized that all that pressure was self-imposed, that I let my ambition mask my chronic anxiety, and that my life often felt out of my control because of the sheer amount of things I was trying to control. One of the best things about this moment is we get to completely let go of any idea of perfection. I don't have the emotional bandwidth to care about that many things anymore. Now is the time to focus only on what's essential; and for me, that's self-love, self-care, and surrendering to what is.

As a therapist, I want more people to have access to treatments that will help them unlock these skills. Today, the American healthcare system doesn’t encourage preventative or ongoing treatment; the mental health category especially suffers as a result.

Insurers used to cover up to 20 psychotherapy sessions/year. Then when short term treatment like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy became popular in the 2000s, many insurance panels pushed clinicians to adopt that treatment timeline. There was a freeze on how many therapists were admitted to insurance panels. Paperwork hurdles forced clinicians and clients to spend months chasing down a $60 reimbursement.

This is why so many first time therapy-seekers find that most counselors either aren’t taking new clients from their insurer, or aren’t taking insurance at all. Even with expanded coverage like Medicare for All, many therapists would not accept it as payment because dealing with a bureaucratic billing system just isn't worth the extra effort on top of the demanding work we already do. This is a failure for both sides of the marketplace, as theoretically, insured clients should be able to access mental healthcare for just a $20 copay; but therapists eventually have to prioritize self-pay clients who can afford $80-$200/hour to cover their office and marketing costs.

Access is the defining issue for the future of the field. There needs to be universal access to high quality therapy, regardless of whether or not you have health insurance. That’s what we’re building The Difference to be - a modern and fair mental healthcare exchange. It’s still early days, but we’re structuring it as a collective of therapists co-sponsored by corporations and communities."

From Bea Arthur, cofounder/CEO of https://thedifference.co/ #NoOneToldMe

[wearemadeofmillions]

“I have worked in the research field for over 20 years. In those 20 years I have studied hundreds of people, published dozens of professional papers and authored 2 books.  I have learned so much from my work, yet the one thing that nags at me to this day is the lack of focus and commitment to the mental health needs of marginalized people and people of color. So many studies have been published that say what’s best for treating depression, anxiety, the after effects of trauma exposure, etc. but there are exactly ZERO studies published in the U.S. with enough data on youth and communities of color to teach us anything definitive about how to treat mental illness (and I am not exaggerating).⁣ ⁣ I got into research because during my training in undergrad at Howard University, grad school and at the Duke School of Medicine, I noticed how people of color were never or rarely included in the studies that defined our ‘evidence’. Seeing this trend made me go into research and start the Aakoma Project because I wanted to make sure that I could help increase representation for the thousands of people of color being neglected in the research space.”⁣ ⁣ From @dralfiee 💜 Keep up with her work at @couched_in_color and @aakomaproject. 

[wearemadeofmillions]

On a biological level, no race is more prone to mental illness than another. Being white doesn’t make you more likely to have chronic anxiety, the same way being black doesn’t make you more likely to have schizophrenia.⁣ ⁣ However, our personal experiences and the spaces we navigate DO impact our mental health. Racism, police brutality, systemic discrimination... these are all traumatic events faced at far higher rates by BIPOC. Numerous studies have documented the short and longterm effects of these experiences. Unsurprisingly, they lead to serious levels of psychological distress, feelings of low worth, chronic anxiety, depression and more.⁣ ⁣ Oftentimes mental health as a topic or social cause is separated from broader systemic issues. We cannot continue that trend. Anything that impacts emotional well-being is a mental health issue. And in this case, a crisis.

[wearemadeofmillions]

TW: physical/mental/sexual abuse, suicide | “Sexual, physical, mental abuse. I had experienced all before I hit puberty. So it was no surprise that my OCD (Pure O) was misdiagnosed as PTSD time and time again. But something told me that wasn't it. It took over 20 years for me to get properly diagnosed and treated. And it was only after I hit rock bottom. ⁣ ⁣ I had struggled with suicide ideation before, but I had never come as close to suicide as I did after my first child was born. I didn't commit suicide and all this time I had told myself I did not do it because of my faith and because I loved my child so much I couldn't do that to him. But I recently realized that I didn't do it because there was a voice inside me just loud enough to remind me that I was worthy of love. ⁣ ⁣ Those of us with mental illnesses/disorders don't lack the ability to love others but we often buy into the lie that we are not worthy of accepting love. Too broken, we tell ourselves. We can be getting all the love in the world, but if we don't accept it, it does nothing. ⁣ ⁣ OCD can come with intrusive thoughts of very taboo nature. And it can be so debilitating to the point that it affects your daily functions. Even after being diagnosed and going through therapy I have to battle the shame that comes with having OCD. I realized that only I can work through that shame. I will start by making my way through the difficult uphill battle of accepting the love that comes my way, especially the one I give myself. Love is the antithesis of shame. ⁣ ⁣ To those fighting the fight I want to remind you of this: you are worthy of love.”⁣ ⁣ From Lupita 💜 #NoOneToldMe

[wearemadeofmillions]

“I entered foster care at age 13, a few weeks before my grade 8 graduation. I was put in an emergency-receiving home for 6 months, until being transferred to a ‘permanent’ home. Although foster care was a positive development in my life, I can also acknowledge the impact such an extended period of instability had on my ability to trust others.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I had strong underlying fears of abandonment and my interpersonal relationships were intense. I would vacillate between idealizing closeness with others and pushing them away. I would push people away who might get too close rather than risking the pain of losing them later. I was terrified of being viewed as ‘needy’ and would typically smooth over even minor signs of possible relational conflict, quickly separating myself from individuals who would initiate it.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I would have thoughts like ‘I don't need a family; I'd be fine without them.’ It wasn't until I started dating my husband, 4 years ago, that the impacts of this interpersonal childhood trauma and neglect would surface for healing. It didn't take long for me and my husband to realize that up until this point, I didn't know how to hold, process and share difficult emotions. I knew that If I didn't seek help, that I would run from our relationship or sabotage it some other way. I was ready and willing to do whatever it took to make it work.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I started seeing a Relational Psychotherapist and going to Adult Children of Alcoholics support groups. This is when I finally learned that what I experienced as a kid was ‘traumatic’ and I was a ‘parentified child.’ Most distinctly, I learned I wasn't alone, very far from it. I also learned that I have an ‘inner child’, one that will require nurturing and care, from here on out.”⁣ ⁣ From @kristalynngalivan 💜 Krista wrote about her childhood experiences and PTSD for our site. Read the full piece here. #NoOneToldMe

[wearemadeofmillions]

TW: suicide | “I look back and I think I can recall my first anxious thoughts as young as 4. As I grew up, I was always told I was a ‘worrier’ but the world was different back then and that was where the conversation ended regarding mental health. The problem is, without proper education from a young age, we will never be able to easily identify where being a ‘worrier’ stops and where anxiety starts.⁣ ⁣ I was first officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 16 years old. I was asked by my doctor what I saw in his black and white pictures, handed a prescription for antidepressants and sent on my way. 21 (WTAF?!) years of changing antidepressants, on and off the medications, different types of therapy, multiple depressive episodes and one suicide attempt, I would say I'm stronger and understand myself and my symptoms more than ever. I won't use the word 'recover' but I will say that I'm able to maintain my mental health better now.“⁣ ⁣⁣ From @louisanicolerose 💜 If you're in the U.S. and experiencing a crisis, text MADE to 741741 for free, 24/7 support. If you’re in the U.K., text 85258 and if you’re in Canada text 686868.⁣ #NoOneToldMe

[wearemadeofmillions]

“My mental health went undiagnosed for the majority of my life. The earliest signs of symptoms started when I was 3 years old. Any time one of my parents would leave for work, I would run to the window screaming, crying, and pounding on the glass begging for them to not leave me (even though they were just going to work and would return home later). This behavior is just a normal toddler thing to do, right? ⁣ ⁣ Well those feelings and thoughts never disappeared. They just grew inside of me, tortured me, ruined relationships for me, and left me with an overwhelming fear of abandonment and anxiety.⁣ ⁣ I first received professional help at the age of 25 after a major breakup. It wasn’t until then that I was told the intense emotional roller coaster I was constantly on had a name, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and the constant picking at my skin was a physical manifestation of Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). My first reaction was that I was broken or crazy, but as I began to learn more about my diagnoses and receive the help I needed (therapy & medication) my initial reaction disappeared. I finally felt ‘normal’ and relieved that all my problems finally had an explanation, and just maybe I wasn’t such a bad person.⁣ ⁣ Due to stigma and the misconceptions around BPD and OCD, many people with the disorders feel scared to speak out about living with it—myself included. However, the #NoOneToldMe campaign gave me a sense of community. I am not alone, I am not crazy, and I am not defined by my mental health.”⁣ ⁣ From @danielle.yellen 💜 #NoOneToldMe

[wearemadeofmillions]

“Social anxiety plagued me for my teenage years, and there were a lot of stressors at home that caused me to act out. I turned to alcohol for support, because I saw it as an easy way to mask the unidentified storm that was brewing inside of me. Plus, I was Australian and binge drinking was only natural at that age. ⁣ ⁣ As I completed my education and entered the professional world, I started chasing titles and pay bumps, stretching myself thin for years and not seeing the benefits. I began seeing a therapist to help solve for this equation.⁣ ⁣ Her solution revealed to me what I'd been masking. But I couldn't handle it, so I stopped seeing her. Then the panic attacks started at the office. I lived in a frightful reality where I couldn't control my physiological responses to simple stressors. My narrative of worthlessness became all I paid attention to. There had to be a way out of living this type of existence, and I started looking for it in all the wrong places.⁣ ⁣ After buying into negative self-talk for months, I fell into an inescapable pit. In there, I was preaching self-hatred. My emotions and actions became random and I had lost all sense of who I was. The fateful day I made that realization, I had two choices; I decided to admit myself to the ER.⁣ ⁣ After being discharged from a stint at a facility, I thought I'd try a CBT workbook, but while I was at the store, I picked up a type of self-help book I'd always avoided. I stopped the CBT work a few pages in. I got it, but it wasn't for me. Instead, I read the other book. And wow. Daily meditation, laser-focused mindfulness practice and 20 odd books later, I'd found my out. And that out was inward, and I've only just begun searching.”⁣ ⁣ From Stuart of Project Footnote 💜 #NoOneToldMe

[wearemadeofmillions]

“I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at the age of 13 after 3 excruciating years of severe symptoms that debilitated my social life, my home life, and my academic standing. Those symptoms included compulsive handwashing, showering, checking, researching, and living in a constant state of agonizing terror. My middle school years were swallowed up by this disorder. This was nothing in comparison to what came next.⁣ ⁣ My first experience with intrusive thoughts was when I was 14 and they hit me like a freight train. All of a sudden my thoughts weren’t my own. In an instant I was flooded with nightmarish violent, sexual, and vulgar images on a near constant basis. I couldn’t tell another soul, because I was terrified that if I did? I would surely be put in jail for life; I was positively already condemned to hell. ⁣ ⁣ #NoOneToldMe this was a common symptom of OCD. Even though I was diagnosed at 13… it took 3 extra years of living in a personalized, and well-tailored, hell to find an OCD specialist and receive proper treatment. No one told me I wasn’t going insane. No one told me I wasn’t a monster. No one told me there were different types and subtypes of OCD. No one told me it was so much more than just hand washing.”⁣ ⁣ From Neil 💜 It takes an average of 10 years for a person suffering from a psychiatric disorder to seek help. Half of which start before the age of 14. Each year spent suffering in silence, is a year lost. To learn more about our work, head to madeofmillions.com. If you're in the U.S. and experiencing a crisis, text MADE to 741741 for free, 24/7 support. In Canada text 686868 and in the U.K., text 85258.

[wearemadeofmillions]

TW: self-harm | “No one told me that thinking your parents were poisoning you isn’t exactly a normal thought to have while sitting at the dinner table.⁣ ⁣ No one told me that cutting, hallucinations, screaming at yourself, hitting your leg with hammers, ripping out your hair and being physically sick all of the time wasn’t something a 9-year-old should be experiencing. 

No one told me that I would be accused of wanting attention when I asked for help and no one told me that, as a minor, I would be administered medication.⁣ ⁣ No one told me that mental illness was a thing. No one told me that I wasn’t ‘crazy’, that I was a normal person with a chemical imbalance. No one told me there was hope, an opportunity for a life similar to others. No one told me the benefits of therapy and no one told me I could be my own advocate. No one told me that I would have to work five times harder, on top of the five times harder I was already working, than everybody else.⁣ 

No one told me that a life with mental illness was still a life worth living. No one told me that people who live with mental illness are the strongest people, period. No one told me that, if you work really hard, seek treatment, balance medications and lifestyle and have a tight medical support team, that you can live the life you never knew existed for you.⁣ ⁣

No one told me that I am worthy of the same opportunities in life as everyone else. That I am more than my disorder, worthy and deserving of healthy professional, platonic and romantic relationships.”⁣ ⁣ 

From www.instagram.com/karyninderr 💜 Check out Karyn’s full story on our site. #NoOneToldMe

[wearemadeofmillions]

TW: suicide | “No one told me that I wouldn’t get to be a kid. The saddest part about writing this, is that I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I remember feeling painfully disconnected from family. I remember sacrificing a lot of personal desires because I felt guilty hanging out with friends instead of helping. You know, because family over everything, right? ⁣ ⁣ I constantly felt helpless because hearing my parents say they would rather kill themselves, showed me just how afraid of living I truly was.⁣ ⁣ I don’t remember the day, or the walk home, or even stepping through my front door. But I remember laying in the bathtub feeling ready to die. I was in 7th grade. I don’t think people realize that children, young children, are not blinded by innocence. The harsh reality is that some kids don’t ever get to be kids. I survived, but I had to grow up quickly. ⁣ ⁣ My emotional competence, my empathy - everything I know now to handle my grief is everything I had to learn, while my friends spent time actually being kids. I spent 8th through senior year listening to teachers, counselors, friend’s parents all saying ‘you act so much older than your age’, ‘you’re so reserved’, ‘that’s a very adult conversation’.⁣ ⁣ I’m 25 now. Even still, I feel like there is a hand gripping the back of my neck tightly. I feel like I am better equipped to handle my grief now than when I was a child, especially after years of coping. So maybe no one told me I wouldn’t get to be a kid - but that isn’t stopping me now.”⁣ ⁣ From @aliciaduckworth 💜 Learn more at madeofmillions.com. If you're in the U.S. and experiencing a crisis, text MADE to 741741 for free, 24/7 support. In Canada text 686868 and in the U.K., text 85258 #NoOneToldMe

[wearemadeofmillions]

“After the documentary, I had the opportunity to travel to the US. The way things were going with boxing not being allowed here in Cuba, and my time as an athlete coming to an end; I was told that in the US I could have the possibility to fight professionally. And so, I decided to go and I spent about two years going back and forth looking for opportunities alongside people who wanted to help me. ⁣ ⁣ What I didn’t know, and maybe these people didn’t know, is that in order to fight professionally you need a ranking and in boxing you need money. I didn’t have a ranking. I had only been training and hadn’t competed in my country or anywhere else. So that was money that the people who brought me to the US didn’t have access to. I kept stumbling until I decided to go on my own terms and go live the American dream and see what I could do, but that wasn’t to be. So, I came back to Cuba about five months ago.⁣ ⁣ I tried working the first few months. I would work and train, work and train but I was depleted both physically and psychologically. When I looked in the mirror, I no longer saw Namibia the warrior, my name had been left by the toilet or the floor I had been cleaning. It’s something honorable, I am not ashamed of having had to do it, but it wasn’t the path for me. This began creating a lot of obstacles mentally, and I preferred to be here and start from scratch but be happy. I didn’t have a good childhood, and as an adult I have found inspiration in myself, to keep moving forward. I couldn’t punish myself and suffer for a little bit of money. Everything I have become until now, I’ve done without money, without anything, with only a positive mind."⁣ ⁣ Namibia Flores Rodriguez is a Cuban boxing champion and the recent focal point of Maceo Frosts' documentary, Too Beautiful: Our Right to Fight. Our friend, Haymme Marin, interviewed Namibia to learn more about her journey, resilience, and advice for other women fighting for what they love. Read the full piece here.  Photography by Martina Lanotte #NoOneToldMe 💜

[wearemadeofmillions]

TW: suicide | “I hid my struggles with depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts in my songs for years. Ironically, music and making music we're often a form of therapy without me even realizing it.⁣ ⁣ I wish I new what mental health was when I was younger. #NoOneToldMe that I could have managed myself better. That I wasn't a freak. That ‘just act normal’ isn't good direction for a young mind.⁣ ⁣ During one of my worst depression-filled times, I had everything. Big job, big house, plenty of money, three gorgeous kids and a wife I often think I don't deserve. Yet, I hated everything about myself. I made unhappiness home.⁣ ⁣ As I began seeking professional help, and being more grateful for what I have, I ended up finishing a song as a tribute to Chester Bennington. Losing him destroyed me, but I felt like if I could give him a gift, a song seemed proper.⁣ ⁣ I share this story because I finally understand that I was never alone. I'm blessed. And the receptions I’ve gotten from people struggling, or family members struggling with depression and suicide,⁣ have been surreal. Speaking about mental health openly makes it more acceptable and meaningful. I'm hoping you can seek help if you need it or extend your hand to someone who needs you.” ⁣ ⁣ From @sosaic 💜 Learn more about our work at madeofmillions.com. If you’re in the US and experiencing a crisis, text MADE to 741741 for free, 24/7 support.

[wearemadeofmillions]

“My earliest memories of OCD were at age 5, when I first started experiencing terrible anxiety, intrusive thoughts and compulsive rituals. My teachers told my mom that I was falling behind in school and recommended some testing, which resulted in me being placed in a slow learning disability class. ⁣ ⁣ As a teen, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and depression. I was given medication and sent on my way. I never had an opportunity to talk to anyone who could give me insight into what was actually wrong. Deep down, my suffering was raw and intense.⁣ ⁣ I was officially diagnosed with OCD at age 26 during my last year of university. I broke down and went to the school psychiatrist. My world had unraveled and was falling apart around me. I was given new medication that momentarily made me feel stable and hopeful. ⁣ ⁣ In 2018, I had a severe relapse where I became completely housebound, lost 20 lbs and was convinced that I’d never get better as my psychiatrist told me ‘this is a chronic condition, you can’t recover.’ OCD had attacked every single part of my life, the last thing it latched onto was my passion: my career as a nurse. #NoOneToldMe that OCD could force me to leave a job I loved. ⁣ ⁣ As a last resort, I broke my silence and reluctantly reached out to a couple of OCD advocates on social media. It was through this connection that I learned about all things OCD. I discovered there was treatment available that worked and had helped people reach recovery. This drove me to seek proper care for myself and finally start healing. ⁣ ⁣ Two months ago, I volunteered to be redeployed to help my community fight COVID-19. I left my job working from home to go work in a long-term care facility that has been devastated by this virus. Yes I still have OCD, yes I have had treatment, yes some days are hard, but OCD will never beat me again. It will never take away my ability to do what I love the most — be a nurse and care for vulnerable people in my community.” ⁣ ⁣ From @lindsfraise 💜 We spoke with Lindsey to learn more about her OCD journey and experiences as a healthcare worker during #covid19. Head here to read the full piece.

[wearemadeofmillions]

TW: suicidal ideation, harm thoughts | “I can pinpoint obsessive tendencies back to 5 years old. I was terrified of anything that would close shut. ‘What if I impulsively stuck my fingers in a closing car window?’ I‘d avoid going in the car and sit on my fingers if I was forced to. But it wasn’t until I was a teen that my world completely shifted to harm and existential intrusive thoughts. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I remember being in my kitchen cutting vegetables. I became so scared I was going to stab myself against my will that I actually threw the knife away. I felt something switch in my brain. It brought up an amount of fear I hadn’t felt before. My first instinct was to do anything I could to survive this possibility. Any possibility of becoming suicidal had to be avoided or figured out immediately.⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I spent the next three years ruminating 24 hours a day on a question I‘d never be able to answer: ‘What if I kill myself?’ I avoided the subway, hid all of the knives in my home, and isolated all of the pills I owned to make sure I wouldn’t swallow them in my sleep. After three years, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so confused. Why was I 24/7 ruminating about such an irrational thing? I loved myself and knew I‘d never hurt myself, and yet I couldn’t shake the possibility of it happening. I saw countless therapists who told me to ‘talk it out’, all of which made my situation worse. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I  checked myself into the hospital, spent two days in the psych ward hoping I would find answers - they had no idea what I was talking about. I was told that it was ‘all in my head.’ Clearly, I had to figure this out on my own. It took me three years to stumble upon Chrissie’s YouTube video on Suicidal OCD. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t a complete monster. To know that my brain was wired differently, and to know that this condition is treatable, the weight that was lifted off my shoulders was beyond. This is why mental health awareness is so important. People shouldn’t have to go looking years to find help. Dealing with a mental illness is one thing, not knowing you have one is another.”⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ From @wordshug 💜 #NoOneToldMe