• what comes to mind as a result of experiences already lived; recollection, reminiscence.
Marnie's life was perfect, at least the last three years. Successful model, girlfriend of a rock star, wonderful friends, united family, lots of traveling and partying. Everything was going wonderfully well and heading for something much better, until she suffers an accident and deletes the best years of her life. Just like in a board game, she has two choices, to go all the way back again or to take a new direction.
I take a deep breath, walking to the outside area, waging a huge battle inside me. A side of me prayed to be what I was imagining. But on the other hand, I begged not to, because I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
I stop abruptly at the door, managing to see from there what I was imagining. It's like going back three years to the night of our first date. Same house, same country. The table for two, the tree full of little lights; the only difference was the petals thrown on the floor and the lack of the blonde guy at the side of the table, looking at me full of expectations.
I swallow the urge to cry, walking slowly closer to the table, admiring every detail. Why is this here? I try to form any line of reasoning that will explain all this to me. Noah wouldn't bring me here to play with me like that. So why is all this here?
I take a step back, mustering the strength to get out of there and confront my friend, but my feet don't move more than two steps.
“You are late.”
I hold my breath, feeling that voice hit me. It's just three words, but the action they have inside me is thunderous. I know I need to turn around and face him, that I need to face this.
I take a deep breath, turning around and finding Luke standing there, standing against the door, wearing a black shirt and dress pants. The tired expression is still there, but it has a different glow today.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, feeling my heart race even more.
“You still owe me a date.” Luke smiles sheepishly, shrugging.
I watch him approach me calmly, majestic as always. His scent envelops me before he gets closer, entering my bloodstream, making my blood run cold. The butterflies in my stomach make it difficult for me to breathe and my reasoning.
Luke is here. Here in Hawaii. With me.
“I know I said it would be a 'no-date' but I can't do less than all of that. You deserve no less than that.” Luke puts his hands in his pockets, still shy.
“I don't understand what you do here.” I whisper shakily. Is it a mirage?
"I know and I'll explain everything to you. I understand that at the moment you must hate me, for everything I've done-”
"Do you think I hate you?" I question confuse, interrupting his speech.
His blue eyes turn to me, lost and embarrassed. Luke thinks I hate him. I suck in air, adapting to the new information.
“Why do you think I hate you?” I question again, somewhat indignant.
"The way it all turned out. Last month's tabloids. The argue at the hotel. Because I didn't go after you in LA.” he explains.
"And you think that would be capable of making me hate you?" I let out a disbelieving laugh. “Luke, I would love to be able to hate you. Even for just a second. I think everything would be so much easier. But I am not capable of this. I can't hate you. Even if I want to, even if I try.” my voice trails off as I look back into his eyes.
I realize I'm at a fork and I don't know which way to go. I know both I'm going to get hurt, that I'm going to suffer at some point, but in one of them I wouldn't have Luke, and I want him. I want him so bad.
I take a deep breath, pushing aside the thoughts and the countless questions I want to ask. I don't want to make that decision now and I don't want to spoil what might be our last time together.
“I don't know what you're doing here and right now I don't care. I don't care if tomorrow we'll have to drift away from each other. if everything goes to end. If you don't want me anymore. That's tomorrow. Tomorrow I worry about all this. But right now, right now, I want to be with you, like this tomorrow will never come. I want you. I want to be yours… and I hope- I hope you want to be mine too.”
The words rush out of my mouth. I try to catch my breath, praying he understands me and makes a quick decision, and I hope it's the right one. I don't care if I sound desperate for him, as I am.
I crave his touch from the moment I leave his house, lying about not loving him. I wished even more when my amnesia ended, remembering our every moment.
Luke blinks rapidly, processing my plea.
“Marnie, I have always been yours.” his voice comes out as lost as mine minutes before.
I think about answering, but the words fade from my mind. Luke takes advantage of the gap and steps towards me, putting his lips to mine, silencing me with a kiss. His hands, holding my face, quickly slide down my body, settling on my waist, pulling and pressing it firmly against his body.
I run my hands up his chest to the back of his neck, clawing at him before sinking my hands into his hair. The long-awaited and dreamed-up touch of his tongue slowly against mine makes me sigh, which causes him to sigh too.
I've waited for this for so long. I imagined a million scenarios where I finally would taste his kisses again. And now that I'm here, I can't believe it's actually happening. That I'm in his arms, feeling my body come alive. How a blank canvas gains color.
The butterflies in my stomach grow bigger, spreading through my body, at the same time a heat rises in my belly, while his hands roam my body with anxiety and despair.
A muffled cry from our kiss rushes down my throat as his hands travel down either side of my hips, cup my ass and pull me easily into his lap. I crack a smile against his lips, relieving myself of all this sensation Luke gave me every time.
For the first time our lips peel away and I see his eyes, now dark, brimming with desire, just like mine. On his lap, Luke leads me to the bedroom that has a door to the pool and backyard.
There, carefully, Hemmings sets me down, cupping my face again and pressing his mouth to mine. Already agitated, I run my hands through the fabric of his shirt, pulling him out of his pants and working my hand up the inside, feeling his skin crawl, resulting in a generous grip on my ass, releasing a moan.
I rip off his shirt, running my adrenaline-shaky fingers all over his torso, like I'm touching a sculpture, so gorgeous. I reach for his neck again, noticing the little necklace I gave him. My heart misses a beat, he still uses it. Overcome by the emotion of seeing the small object, I hold his face, initiating another kiss.
Panting already, Luke brings his lips to my neck, teasing the sensitive area below my ear. I throw my head back, intoxicated with the euphoria that wells up inside my chest. His restless hands run to the hem of my dress, pulling it up slowly, dragging his hands down my body, releasing a path that seems to want to catch on fire.
An amused smile rips across our mouths as the piece curls up in my arms. My eyes meet his, saying a million things without saying a single word. It's like the first time. The first touches, the first sensations, even knowing where to touch, how to provoke.
I kiss his mouth again, still not satisfied from all the time we've been away. The touch now of him more exposed skin against mine seems to burn, and yet, it doesn't seem like enough.
My mind feels clouded and my body feels numb. I can't think of anything but how much I want him. Desperate, I start to unbutton his pants, with his help, getting rid of that piece. I bring my lips to his neck, inhaling more of his scent, which causes more reactions throughout my body.
I have the second he lets his guard down, pushing him to the bed. I sit on his lap, taking him a little by surprise. I open a smile victorious, already on top of him. Luke holds my hips, laughing lightly, accepting that he's been tricked. I settle into his lap, looking for the best position to satisfy both of us.
Hemmings teases, pulling my hips down. I bite my lip, holding my breath, determined not to give in. I look deep into his eyes, watching his reaction as I grind against his erection.
His hands soon run to my thighs, squeezing with relish. I notice Luke holding his breath, seeing the veins in his neck stand out and his jaw lock. I take a deep breath holding mine, but soon repeating the process anxious for the sensation that runs through my body.
I sink my nails into his skin, losing a bit of focus, as does he, who pushes my hips, repeating the movement again, now eliciting gasps from both of them. I end up being distracted by his kisses all over my torso and his hot tongue all over my skin as he moves my hips against his.
My stomach tightens more in anxiety and lust. A confrontation between getting it over with quickly, and enjoying the moment starts inside me. I get off his lap, trying to keep myself sane, away from his body, laying him down completely. Still focused on his eyes, I position myself between his legs, scratching his thighs.
Luke shifts restlessly on the bed, releasing a smile from me. I lean on the mattress, lifting my body a little and placing a few kisses all over his abdomen. Hemmings looks at me so anxious and distressed by the delay, which makes me more eager to tease him.
I reach with my kisses to his member, running my lips over his underwear. I bring my gaze to his, which just has to start begging. I shift from your groin, paying attention to his thigh now.
“I dreamed about you.” blow in his ear. “I dreamed about that night, after the show in Phoenix.” I keep saying, analyzing his expressions. “I dreamed of the two of us on Mr. Hastings's birthday. In that bathroom.” I suck on his earlobe, getting the reaction I expected.
Luke closes his eyes and at that moment I bring my hand up to his cock, rubbing my palm against it. The heavy, dragging moan quickens my heart and tightens my groin.
My head feels like it wants to catch on fire, as does everything else in my body. I get back between his legs, now not wanting to take another second. I pull on his underwear, tossing him almost out of the room.
I bite my lip, feeling my mouth water more. Still not touching him, I leave little kisses all over his crotch, reaching to his balls, where I decide to pick him up. I reach my hand to the top, pulling all the pre-cum and starting to stimulate it.
Throughout the process, I try not to take my eyes off Luke, reveling in that connection. His eye rolls, sighs, lip bites and his hands gripping the bed sheet tightly also serve as a stimulus to me.
Knowing that I satisfy him and manage to make him lose his mind makes me horny. See his desire for me. The yearning for my touch. Wanting me more than anything at that moment. All this moves me.
I decide to stop as soon as I notice his swollen head and Luke more paintings than necessary. He doesn't wait a second as I pull away, already coming at me.
Our legs intertwine taking advantage of the contact. The feeling of having his body next to mine brings several memories to my mind, making me more excited. I sigh as his mouth comes back to tease my neck. I scratch at his shoulders, the back of his neck, and his arms, wanting him to feel the same electrical charge through his body as I do.
“I still can't believe you're here.” his voice comes out low and slurred. I shift uneasily beneath him as his hand squeezes my waist.
"Honestly, I don't either." I confess with a slight concern that I am dreaming on the plane.
The thought escapes me as Luke presses his crotch against me. Okay, I wouldn't be able to have a dream that good. I try to control my breathing as his mouth lands on the top of my breasts. I arch my torso so Luke has access to my bra clasp, which he unzips with one hand. I had forgotten about this ability.
It's an amazing thing that I can only feel with him. It's so far above the carnal, the physical and the casual. Since the first time. I knew that night that I wouldn't forget him so easily. But I didn't think it would be two years together, even with all this back and forth, and all this intensity and need.
It was like jumping out of a plane without a parachute, an endless free fall, where you live with butterflies in your stomach. Your heart seems to live in your mouth and it's so hard to breathe. The fear of breaking is always there, but every touch, every kiss, smile, declaration, makes it seem so harmless.
I promised myself I would never trust anyone like that again, but Luke managed to get me to break that promise. Not only this one but many others.
I choke on another gasp as I feel his hot tongue on my belly. I shift even with his hands firm on my hips. Why all this delay?
“Angry?” he returns to my face, his smile crooked and amused.
I take a deep breath, irritated. Luke knows I'm restless and takes advantage of it. I don't know why I'm surprised. He also loves to tease. Anyone who sees this face has no idea.
“Calm honey, we have all night.” he whispers, dropping small kisses along my chin, down my neck as I throw my head back.
I open my legs, feeling his hand enter my panties, touching me slowly, teasing. I start breathing through my mouth, no longer able to do it the conventional way. The sensitivity and stimulation of the region begins to have an effect on my body.
I shiver as his middle finger circles my entrance, slowly coming back up. I let my eyes close, feeling the stimuli a thousand times stronger. I try to focus on just one sensation at a time, but I can't concentrate and choose between his fingers and his mouth on my breasts.
Finally, Luke shrugs off the last piece of clothing between us and goes looking for a condom. His mouth seeks mine again as soon as he enters me. I break the kiss, sighing. Slowly, Luke starts to stir inside me. I hug his body again with the need to feel him fully.
The room is filled with our whispers, moans and sighs. The movements increase along with the euphoria in my chest. I would like to prolong this much longer, but at the same time I just want to climax fast and feel that whole wave rush through me.
I need him. Yeah, I can handle myself, but it doesn't feel the same. The lack of another touch, of someone who stimulates and provokes you. Make you have dirty thoughts. That takes you out of your usual.
And even though I slept with Aidan that time, I didn't feel it. It was good, but not the best. With him it wasn't about satisfying both of us, about providing equal pleasure, it was about satisfying him.
With Luke, it's so different, he does everything to excite and satisfy me, just as I do with him. It's mutual! It's about loving on other levels. To share that love by taking each other to the extreme. This crazy need to feel the touch, the body and yet, together, still doesn't seem enough. It's pure love.
Anxiety builds me when Hemmings slows down again, teasing. I throw my head back, rolling against him, feeling my belly tighten.
“Luke.” the call, signaling my state. Without saying anything else, he climbs off of me, making that feeling disappear.
I analyze his condition, noticing that he isn't too far away either. I rest my eyes on his red, swollen lips, feeling angry. Why does he have to look so beautiful? Damn it!
I move towards him, still insatiable from his kisses, and from the urgency he pulls me into his lap, I believe he doesn't either. It separates my mouth from his when I feel him inside me again.
His hands support me in addition to the headboard. We didn't get much further after that. Quickly that feeling grows back in my belly, and I can't stop. I want to reach the end, feel this energy running through my veins. The tightening inside me, spurring him on more.
Luke realizes I can't take much longer. I grind slowly waiting to provoke him more and then make him come. I end up on his neck at the same time he squeezes my ass.
And just like that, I feel my orgasm coming on, making me lose my mind. I lean my head against Luke's shoulder, breathing heavily while my body still trembles.
Carefully, Hemmo, get on top of me, keeping a pace for him. I massage the back of his neck the instant his mouth goes to my neck, varying between the region and my mouth. I notice he's close as his grip on my waist tightens.
His hand quickly intertwines with mine, squeezing it, heralding his orgasm, along with a drawn-out moan. Hemmings climbs off me carefully, throwing himself beside me.
I stare at the bedroom ceiling with heavy breathing, now processing everything that has happened. I had sex with Luke and it was good.
I pull in as much air as I can, clearing my mind. That was quite a fuck. I don't know if it was because I missed it, all this time away, but it was good, so good. Glad I came, if it wasn't for Noah I would miss it.
“Noah.” I sit up quickly on the bed, just now remembering my friend. “Oh my God, Noah.” I stretch my arms reaching for any piece that covers my body.
“What's wrong?” Luke comes back from the bathroom, confused.
“Noah is outside waiting for me.” I explain, flustered, putting on his shirt, towards the door.
“Noah isn't here.” Luke holds me, rolling me back onto the bed.
“What?” I wrinkle my forehead in confusion.
“He just brought you here. By this time he must be at the hotel or at some party out there. We are alone.” Hemmings smiles amused by my delay in understanding everything.
“He knew?” I blink a few times.
“Everyone knew.” I widen my eyes, opening my mouth. Everyone?
"How long has everyone known?" I cross my arms. His smile gets bigger.
“At least two weeks ago. I've been planning this since you left New York. You don't know how hard it was not to call you that night and tell you everything.” his cheeks flush.
“There's no photo shoot, is there?” I question, already suspecting the answer. Hemmings just shakes his head.
I never doubted that Luke could do such a thing, after all he was the romantic in the relationship. But bringing me to Hawaii, renting the same house and recreating our first date was so far above what I'd hoped he would one day do.
“I needed to get you out of LA and bring you here.” he shrugs, proud of his plan.
I start to laugh in disbelief at his plan. I cover my face, organizing my thoughts. He doesn't exist. Luke returns with a smug smile, pulling me by the fabric of his shirt, hugging me.
“The only thing we need to know right now is that we're alone and there's no problem. And that you don't need to be wearing it right now, as much as I love seeing you in my clothes.” he whispers against my ear, pulling his shirt off my body.
I sigh as his hands touch my waist, pulling me into his lap, before we head back to the bed. I snuggle into his chest, enjoying every part of our bodies that touches.
I still can't believe we're here. Luke and me. After all. Just the two of us.
“What?” he asks, curious. I watch him with one arm behind my head, completely relaxed, while the other is on my back, stroking me. The messy, wrinkled hair. Mouth still swollen and still so inviting. How can he be so beautiful?
“Nothing. Just afraid to be dreaming.” I reveal, without grace. I shift my eyes to his chest, noticing the presence of the necklace I gave him. I like to see it there.
"I can prove to you in a number of ways that you are not." I raise an eyebrow, interested in his thesis. “First, if it was a dream it would have ended the moment I kissed you, because every dream ends in the best part.”
I end up laughing, watching Luke have fun too. I live for these moments our post sex conversation, where we talk nonsense and always end up laughing.
“And we know that after that there were only better parts. Now if you still doubt.” I cry out in fright as Hemmings turns on top of me again, kissing me calmly. I crack a smile through the kiss, accepting his theory.
“You are right.” I say as soon as he settles back against the mattress. "How did you get the house with Mark?" I rest my chin against his chest, still admiring him.
“It was not easy. I mean, asking for the house was easy, what was hard was getting him to give up going after Leah.” I close my eyes, grimacing.
"I can't believe he still has feelings for her."
“Me either. She broke up with him in four different languages.”
“That was really fancy.” I comment, taking Luke to laugh.
“Not to mention that she's with Kyleen now.” I open my eyes wider, tense. He knows? “What? You didn’t know?” Luke looks at me confused. “It's impossible for you not to know.”
“No! I know. I want to know how you know.”
Luke shrugs, as if it's obvious.
“Just pay attention to one when the other arrives. Kiki just starts shivering and Leah starts to drool. They don't come apart for a second and well, Calum was introducing a friend to Kiki a while ago and I thought Leah was going to eat him alive. It wasn't difficult. Why the question?”
“Nobody knows yet. Just me, Noah, and now you…or not.” I finish seeing him shake his head negatively. "Who else knows?"
“Knowing is perhaps too strong a word, I mean, I was only sure now seeing your face. But everyone is suspicious. Why doesn't she count?” Luke frowns, confused again.
"Her parents. Mr. Hastings relationship with Noah. As far as I know, she's afraid of making things worse, or letting her father down.” my heart sinks, thinking about the situation.
“I know family is important, but if the first one doesn't accept her, she has us. We are a family too and we love her.”
Listening to Luke speak makes everything seem so much easier and so much simpler. I wish everyone were like that.
I move towards him calmly, stealing a kiss, seeing him smile then. I crack a smile, watching him steal a kiss from me now.
"I think I understand now what you mean by dreaming." he whispers, stroking my face.
"I can pinch you if I want." I offer, poking his ribs, making him laugh.
"Shit! No!” he holds my hands still laughing. “I forgot about your lack of romanticism.” Hemmings scoffs.
“I'm romantic.”
So we started a little discussion about who would be the most romantic, which ended in a long kissing session. After that, Luke decided we should have dinner.
“I'll take your bags to the master bedroom, where my things are.” he warns, wearing his underwear. I stretch out on the bed, slapping his ass, catching him off guard.
I laugh watching him jump in and protect the rear, while complaining that he'd forgotten about this side of me too.
"Are we going to spend the night in the same room?" I question, still wrapped in the sheets.
Luke looks at me in disbelief. I bite my lip, trying not to laugh. I watch the blonde, bring both hands to his waist, in disbelief.
“We just got the best sex after months apart. You just spanked my ass” I confirm your theory, shaking my head. “And you're worried about us spending the night in the same room?”
I close one eye, noticing Luke didn't quite get the spirit of it. I don't know what happens to me when I'm with him, my naughty/kinky and needy/romantic levels fluctuate too much. I blink my eyes at Hemmings, who in seconds realizes what I meant. spend a sleepless night in the same room, and we have a big house does not make sense.
“I'll leave this room before I cancel the dinner again” he says already out the door
I grab Luke’s pillow, inspiring his scent one last time, before pulling on his shirt and following him. I walk up to the master bedroom, enjoying the beautiful view from the beach. I lean on the porch, managing to see the table in the backyard.
It was like escaping from the real world, from all the chaos we ended up falling in. There was no media, Pam, John, Stephen; nobody. It was our refuge, but unfortunately, I don't know for how long. Tomorrow we need to decide our future and I'm afraid. I want to be with Luke, but under what conditions? And until when? The fear of losing him will live haunting me
“Is everything ok?” Luke’s voice reaches my ears just before his arms go around me. I snuggle into his chest, feeling him place a kiss on my head.
"Enjoying the view." I reply, stroking his arms around me.
“We missed the sunset today, but we need to watch tomorrow.” he says against my hair.
I lower my eyes, returning to my thoughts of tomorrow. I do not want to spoil the mood, so just nod.
"I'll go down and take care of dinner. I'll wait for you downstairs.” Luke warns me, turning me to him.
"You? Cooking? Should I call the fire department?” I lift an eyebrow.
“Funny. Their phone is on speed dial.” he says before stealing me a quick kiss and heading into the bedroom. "I'll wait for you downstairs."
"Should I wear something fancy?" I speak louder, so he can hear me.
“Whatever you want. You will look stunning anyway.”
I can't control the silly smile hearing those words. My heart races, pumping blood to my cheeks.
“Lu?” I call to him, biting my lip, waiting for him to come back for another kiss.
In seconds, he's around, coming at me as usual. His arms encircle me, lifting me off the ground. I hug his neck, holding me. Soon his lips cover mine, giving me one last kiss.
This time I let him go, tossing myself on the bed daydreaming as I stare at the ceiling. I touch my lips, still feeling the flutter in my stomach. I can't believe he's making me act like a teenager.
I run to my suitcase, looking for another dress lighter than the one I came with. I go into the bathroom, taking a shower, before dressing it in another, prettier lingerie. In the mirror, I smooth my hair, wanting to look pretty.
You guys dated for two years. He's already seen you wake up and he's seen you throw up on his foot. No need to freak out. My subconscious screams, making me give up.
I spray on some perfume and head downstairs to the kitchen, wondering if I could go in there, or if there's something I shouldn't see.
“Luke?”
"Outside." he shouts in a rush.
I make my way to the table in the backyard, looking down, not wanting to spoil his surprise. I sit with my back to the house like the first time and admire the table setting. I reach for the lighter, lighting both candles as soon as I hear footsteps behind me.
“First of all.” Luke begins by placing a beautiful, small bouquet of gerberas in front of me. “I was supposed to give it to you sooner." he whispers in my ear before placing a kiss on my neck.
“They are beautiful!” I thanks, sucking in air in an attempt to control the butterflies in my stomach.
“Second, we have a white wine to start the night.” I end up laughing at his most seductive tone of voice. "And chicken with vegetables, because you like it and there's no way I'm going to set the kitchen on fire."
Hemmo places the chicken dish surrounded by several vegetables, which makes me clap my hands, proud of him. There were long classes, teaching him and I'm glad he's getting the hang of it.
"I won't deny it, I was very worried that day when you told me you microwaved eggs." I comment laughing, after he sits down.
"Do you remember everything that happened during the amnesia?" your question is restrained and cautious.
“Yep.”
I stare at Luke after feeling an awkward silence between us. He looks nervous or awkward, not looking back. What happened now?
“What’s wrong?” I inquire worried.
“I'm sorry I didn't see you at the hospital when you passed out.”
I didn't know this distressed him. We weren't at our best and I suspect John must have been on top of him so he wouldn't come visit. Of course for a few moments I imagined Luke arriving, wanting to see me. But I understand that life is not a fairy tale and that everything is not always going to be the way I want it.
“Babe, it's okay.” I squeeze his hand, smiling.
“I should be there. I should have noticed what John was doing. I should be by your side, M&Ms.” his restless eyes don’t look at me.
“You are now” I interrupt him. “And that’s what matters to me.”
“I swear I never gonna leave you alone again.” he kisses my hand, sealing his promise
We started eating and little by little I managed to change the mood of the dinner. Luke became more animated and playful again. We didn't touch on any sensitive subject like the one that led us to break up, just talking about banalities.
[...]
I'm not sure, but I believe the clock should already tick around 2:00 in the morning. After dessert, Luke and I ended up making out on the couch in front of the fire pit and then headed back to the bedroom. He was already doing so many things for me that I wanted to give back, even if it was the least I could get right now.
I took advantage of the fact that he was taking care of the kitchen and I stole some candles that I found lost around the house, organizing everything in the master suite's bathroom. I also reused the petals that were on the table, throwing them around the bathtub.
I look at my art realizing that I am terrible. I need some romantic lessons. I head for the stairs, sitting in the middle, managing to get a small view of Luke finishing up the kitchen.
I press my lips together as he approaches, climbing a few steps suspiciously. I remain seated, with my best landscape face. Hemmings folds his arms, sighing.
“What are you doing?” I undo my face. "Don't look at me like that, we both know you're up to something.”
“You know what, at the beginning you were nicer.” I comment sullenly, taking his hand. Luke holds back a laugh, letting me lead him to the bedroom door. “I'd cover your eyes-”
“But you don't reach.” he completes letting some laughs escape.
I will not laugh. I won't give him this victory. I cross my arms, waiting for him to finish.
“Why do I like you, huh?” I ask, seeing him smile more.
“If we're going to have this conversation, I think you'd better sit down, because it's a long list.” I roll my eyes, giving up. “It's nice to annoy you again.” Luke pulls me into his arms, showering my face with kisses. “Okay, what have you done?”
“I need you to close your eyes and only open them when I ask you to. Please.” I finish with a short kiss.
“All right!”
Luke closes his eyes and from that moment on I lead him into the bathroom to the sound of my speech, already preparing him and me in case something goes wrong, or is not enough.
“It's not much, like what you did for me, especially since I didn't have two weeks to plan it or the necessary material, but I swear it's from the bottom of my heart and if it's bad, we'll close the door and pretend I didn't try.” I stop beside him, anxious. “You can open it now.”
Luke blinks a few times, adjusting to the half-light in the bathroom, lit only by five candles and the skylight over the tub. He takes a deep breath and presses his lips together, opening his eyes wider. He doesn't like it.
Oh, shit. Shit. Shit. Why did I make this up? Is there still time to sneak out and drown myself in the pool?
I roll my eyes at the few petals scattered in front of the tub, finding them pathetic. I cover my face, groaning with shame.
“What?” Luke turns to me, confused.
“It's horrible. I know.” I answer with my face still covered.
“Marnie, I haven't even opened my mouth.” I can sense that he is smiling from the restrained tone of his voice.
“You didn't even have to. Look at this. It's pathetic.” I point to the few candles and petals. “Sorry, I just wanted to try to do something in return, you're being so romantic that I want-”
My voice falls silent the instant his mouth locks onto mine. Without struggling, I collapse into his arms.
“I loved it. I love it when you try to be romantic. And just the fact that you did it all in such a short time makes it that much better.” he hugs me, whispering against my lips. “I think it's better than what I did.”
“Don't force it!” I say, smiling. “I loved what you did, and I love you.” the last part comes out so low, but not low enough that Luke doesn't hear it.
His eyes lose themselves in mine, turning opaque for a few seconds. His breathing becomes deep again and he stands upright, stepping away from me. I strange his reaction, wondering if I've done something wrong. My lips part to ask what happened, but Luke speaks first.
“Wou- would you mind… saying that last part again?” he looks puzzled. Seeing my confusion, he continues. “I've been waiting to hear this again for months.” I notice a different gleam in his eyes. Does he want to cry?
Then I realize, ever since that morning, before the accident, Luke has never heard me say that I loved him. As I haven't heard either, but until a few weeks ago I didn't feel the need to hear those three words as I do now, as he must be feeling since that day.
If he considered that I hated him, because he thinks I don't love him anymore.
I hold back my laughter, not finding the timing appropriate. Luke thinking that I don't love him borders on the ridiculous. I am crazy about him. I love every bit of him, every cell, every thing that makes him who he is. His jokes and his hyperactive way of being. His romantic and quiet side. The way he takes care of everybody and always tries to make everybody feel good.
Luke is so much more than he can see. He always thought he was so insufficient and he is so much more than enough, he is everything. He is my refuge. The only person I know who will make me smile, when everything looks like it's about to fall apart. He is the only one who understood and accepted my way of being. Who saw my fears and insecurities and didn't run from me.
““My ex, Stephen, he cheated on me with my best friend. That really fucked me up, you know? The two people I trusted the most stabbed me. That's why I get upset when I see you too close to Leah. I know it may sound silly, that you wouldn't do this, but I can't get it out of my head. At least not yet. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship, because I'm broken. - I quickly dry the two tears that escape. - But I want you. Shit, I'm so in love with you. - I let out a laugh, admitting it. - But before anything else you need to know all this. I don't want to drag you into anything. And I'll understand if you want to run after Pam yet.
I finish, letting out all my breath. Actually I won't understand, but I can't do anything about it. I came here to be with him, but I can't put him in something just because I want to.
Luke stares at me for a few seconds, scratching the beginning of his beard and then staring at the floor. I watch his body get up from the couch, where we were minutes before, and walk over to me. I bite my lip, still trying uselessly to hold back my tears.
“I'm sorry you had to go through that, Marnie. No one should have to go through that, least of all you.” I close my eyes, uncomfortably. Hemmo holds my face, keeping my eyes on his. “You are not broken, you are not an object. But if this is how you want to refer to your heart, fine. Now you need to know something about me.” I frown. What could Luke have done wrong? “I've always been terrible at art class, you can ask the boys, but I promise I'll make an effort to help you mend your heart and take care of it forever. I never wanted Pam, Marnie. You know it was you, ever since that party, ever since I first laid eyes on you.”
It's not our best kiss, because I'm crying, but it's our best kiss, because we're together now."”
“What? That I love you?” I smile, feeling my chest explode with love.
I walk over to Luke, hugging his neck. He still looks at me, a little lost and maybe even afraid that heard me wrong. But I have no problem repeating it as many times as I need to.
“I love you.” I whisper before I press our lips together in another kiss.
[...]
I was lying face down on the end of the bed, running my fingers over Luke's bird tattoo. He had his eyes closed, humming Queen. We didn't sleep all night, just talking and making out. I guess paradise must be like this.
We didn't look at watches and much less cell phones, enjoying each other's presence and the time that seemed infinite to us. But unfortunately, the sun began to show signs, showing that time was up.
I face the slowly clearing sky, taking courage to get up and leave. I had already made my decision, even without realizing it. It wasn't the one I wanted, but it was the right one, the best for both of us. A decision that I know Luke wouldn't be able to make.
“What is wrong?” he asks, as soon as he notices that I have stopped.
I can't face him and it answers him. Luke looks out onto the balcony, noticing the sunrise. Quickly, his gaze turns to me, incredulous.
“You can't be serious, Marnie.” the harsh tone hurts. “After tonight, are you really going to leave?”
“You know it's better for both of us.” I get out of bed, going to my suitcase, to exchange your shirt for one of mine.
“Better? Staying away from you isn't better for me, and neither is it for you. After tonight, I swore that you would stay. If you were going to leave in the morning, I'd rather you hadn't stayed at all.” Luke gets out of bed, disgusted.
I bite the inside of my cheek, not wanting to cry. I know that he is hurt and rightly so, I am too. But I can't be sentimental right now, I need to act rationally, and right now, being rational is staying away from Luke and John.
“I didn't think you were serious yesterday.” now his tone becomes more broken. “I thought everything was fine, that you wanted to stay-”
“And I do, but I can't. I can't do it anymore, Luke. I can't stand the thought of having you and then losing you. I can't take that fear anymore. So I'd rather lose you now.” I squeeze my eyes shut, annoyed that I'm crying.
“Why do you think-”
“Because John is still out there.” I shout. “Because I won't risk you. I am sorry if you are too important to me. I'm sorry if this is my way of protecting you.”
I stop for a second, covering my eyes in a futile attempt to stop crying. The desire to be with him crushes my chest. My body begs to run to him, to feel his touch, his skin.
I stare at Luke, just as breathless as I am. His eyes drowned in pain.
"I'm not going to risk you," I sigh "I can't do that. I can't."
“What if I want to? I can protect you. I can't stand the thought of not having you anymore either.” Luke takes on a serious tone again. “Marnie, I didn't confront and punch John for nothing.”
“You what?” I'm getting short of breath.
Luke hit John? I cover my face, losing my mind.
“You hit him? Luke, what's wrong with you? Do you know what John can do to you? Why did you hit him?” I approach desperately, pushing him away, annoyed.
“It doesn't matter now.” he swallows dryly. “He confessed that he tried to take you away from me and I won't allow it. Marnie, I know you're scared, but running away from both of us isn't going to change anything. John will still be out there. And I'll still be here loving and wanting you, just like I know you'll still love me. So why hurt yourself by staying away from both of us?”
I shake my head negatively, still withdrawn. I want to stay, I want him. But I know what can happen if I stay and I'm afraid.
“We are already rushing to get John off the team. We have already contacted lawyers. He has no idea that we are moving. He doesn't know that you and I are here. I know you are scared, but I will take care of you. We can put an end to all of this. We can be together, you just have to want it, because I want it.” Luke holds my hand, pulling me to him.
“You know I want to, but who's going to take care of you? John won't accept leaving so easily. And if anything happens to you, I'll never forgive myself.”
“Nothing will happen. And you will take care of me! After watching you go after Pam and Emery, I think you'll do just fine.” I end up smiling, in the middle of my crying. “You know we can fix this. And it will all be more worth it if I know I'll have you in the end.” I close my eyes, as his hands touch my cheeks.
Luke is my final sentence. No matter how much time passes, or what happens, he will always be the love of my life. The guy who will always live in my thoughts until the day I die. There is no way I can run away from him, even if I want to.
“I will respect your decision, if you still want to go. But I'm not going to run after you anymore, Marnie. I love you. I'm crazy about you, and I know I always will be. But I won't fight anymore if you don't want too. I know that I've made mistakes, that I've hurt you this past month, and that I was an idiot the day you came looking for me at the hotel. Maybe you have a million reasons to leave me. But I know that I can make you happy. That I can love you like never before and that I can protect you." I close my eyes when his forehead brushes against mine. "Please, let me try? At least one last time."
A sob breaks through my mouth as I hear his whisper. At feeling his pain and fear.
I stare at Luke in silence, organizing my thoughts and my decisions.
“We're going to have to be careful, do you hear me? I don't want to take any chances with John and I don't want to lose you anymore.”
I am unable to continue with my speech, because Luke kisses me desperately, hugging me tightly. I let out a nervous laugh, accepting all the shit I am going to face from now on.
“I'll do whatever you want, McGonagall. As long as you are mine at the end of the day.”
“I have always been yours, Luke.” I use his same words, watching him smile more than ever.”And Pam?”
It's not my favorite subject, but it's something I need to deal with, because the image of her in his room still haunts me. Hemmings shakes his head negatively, anticipating his answer.
“There is no more Pam. She can be the president of the United States, I don't care anymore. I don't want her around the two of us anymore.” I don't hide the relieved smile that emerges. It's like a weight off my body. “And that guy?” now he who assumes the pose, serious.
“Who? Aidan?” his face closes tighter. I crack a smile, shaken with jealousy. “I broke up with him the same week the amnesia ended. He was actually a good guy.”
“So why didn't you stay with him?” the urge to laugh increases with the fake curious tone he uses, as if he is really interested.
“He's not you and I love you.”
The world can end now, I don't care. I'm with the guy I love and that's all that matters to me. I know it won't be easy once we get out of here, but for Luke and I to be together, I'm willing to go to hell.
hi guys, just passing by to apologize for the missing time. I don't know what happened at the end of the year, but I simply didn't feel like writing, reading or translating anything. And this made me really bad because I didn't want to quit the fic and much less you guys.
I won't say I'm 100% back, because I'm not, but I'll try.
The silence of the museum's contemporary art room makes my thoughts flow more easily. I hear Ariana Grande's voice low in my ear as I try to recreate the picture in front of me, giving my own touch to what I interpreted from it.
Focused on my hobby, I nearly have a heart attack when Noah sits beside me, nudging me. I take a deep breath shooting him with my eyes, holding with me the urge to hit him.
“Are you crazy? It almost kills me!” I whisper, irritated at him.
“You who almost kill me. It's been a while since I've been calling you. What happened to your cell phone?” he retaliates, angrier still.
I pick up the phone, checking his countless missed calls and messages, as well as the sign “silent” at the top. I open a forced, guilty smile. This time he's the one who takes a deep breath, wanting to hit me.
"And how did you find me?" I question, confused.
“First off, it's kind of obvious that you're in some museum, it's the only thing you've done in the last two weeks. Second, Leah has enabled us to locate you on your cell phone.”
"Are you guys watching me?" I try to control the scream, not wanting to disrespect the silence of the ambiance.
“Not all the time, just when you decide to disappear. Sorry if we were traumatized by the accident.”
The mention of the accident silences me, feeling a certain pity for them. I can't judge, I would definitely do the same. I lay my head on my friend's shoulder, silently apologizing.
"So what did you want with me?" I ask, putting away my things.
“Well, we've arranged to meet your mother at the flower market to pick out the wedding arrangements.”
“I made an appointment with my mother, you are going because you are emotional.” I correct him, holding his arm as we walk out of the museum.
“Of course! How am I going to get things ready for my wedding a few years from now?” I press my lips together, holding on. “Don’t!”
"I didn't even say anything." I defend myself, laughing.
“It's not even necessary. I know your wicked mind.”
“Now I'm the one who's offended. I just commented that I didn't know that bitch married.” I try to stop smiling, but Noah's stale face makes it so impossible.
“Just let you be proposed to one day.”
“Arm against my marriage and I won't let you handle the details.” I warn, knowing how much he enjoys these wedding plans.
"I said you were wicked." Noah exits, unlocking the car.
"Mind if I drive?" I question, insecure. Hastings raises an eyebrow.
“Are you sure?” he asks, handing me the key. I take a deep breath, feeling my heart race.
“Yep! Remember? Dr. Prescott said it was important to overcome this fear to overcome others.” I grip the cold metal tightly. “After all, that's where it all started.”
Since the accident I hadn't taken the wheel anymore, getting around in taxis, ubers and carpools. But according to my therapist, I needed to overcome a trauma in order to treat others. Especially not my fault, like the accident, even if I subconsciously condemn myself for it.
I still don't have the courage to take the car alone, but with my friends or my family I feel safer. I leave the museum parking lot, taking the main avenue. I notice my breathing heavy and caught whenever a car passes by my side, or we pass an intersection.
I grip the steering wheel, facing and controlling the situation. Noah doesn't say much along the way, just supporting me and calming me down when I feel tense.
It's been only two weeks since I got back from New York and even though it was a short time, I already felt so much better. Being with my family, my friends, having the support and monitoring of my therapist, all this was giving me hope of getting better and that everything was really going to be fine. Even with the pain of not reconciling me with Luke and the fact that he didn't look for me anymore.
Maybe it was just one of the countless signs of the universe for both of us. I tried not to think about it too much, but at the same time, there was nothing else I didn't think about, as he was in everything I did or had.
I called Ashton after I left New York, without meeting him or saying goodbye to explain why I did it. He understood that I needed help and my home. But when I asked about Luke, he denied me information.
“I love you guys, but this needs to stop. At least for a while. It's exhausting to see you two get hurt.”
So after that I didn't ask any more about him, just getting satisfied with fan updates. He looked fine. He still wore that tired expression of someone who hadn't slept in days. But he was always laughing a lot in interviews, doing his jokes and giving his all for the band.
I know I should be glad he's okay, and in a way I am, however I can't pretend the fact that he hasn't looked for me anymore, that it all ended up in an argument, and that he apparently isn't hurt like I am, just hurts me more.
I often find myself wondering if he is thinking of me, as I am thinking of him all the time. If he was talking to Pam or any other girl.
I park, relieved that I have once again managed to drive without too much stress. I see my mother, Dominique, her partner, and Meredith talking on the sidewalk, laughing at something.
“Finally, we were about to start without you.” my mother says, as soon as she notices our approach. "Did you come driving?" she flashes a smug smile, which gets even bigger when I nod. “I'm so proud of you, my love.”
I open a grateful smile, turning my attention to the other people in the circle. Together, we enter the small shed crammed with flowers of all kinds.
Arm in arm with Noah, we followed my mother and the manager, looking at each species. This is the second wedding task we're doing and each time, I remember Luke asking me to marry him that night before he left.
““I was almost asleep when I hear his hurried footsteps into the bedroom, and your body joining mine. Gently, I feel his finger run across my cheek, brushing my hair back. A kiss is deposited on my shoulder, causing goosebumps and my stomach to churn.
We've already had sex twice, it's not possible for him to be horny again. I need sleep, but it's hard in that way.
“Hey.” I hear Luke whisper, kissing my shoulder once more. "Honey?" he hugs me, making my body vibrate at the nickname and touch.
“What?” I mumble, eyes closed and trying not to let my sleep slip away.
"I need to ask you something." I suck in air harder when I feel his hand slide down my spine.
“Your cell phone must have been in the kitchen. Get down there.” I mumble the answer to the question he asks most when he's home.
“It's not about where my phone is.”
“If it's about that black shirt, I put it on for washing today.” I answer quickly, wanting to go back to sleep soon.
“It's not about the shirt. Listen.” Luke asks, taking a moment to proceed. “Marry me?”
My mind freezes as well as my body. It was just a question, but it is THE question. I open my eyes, wanting to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Luke carries a look of apprehension and, at the same time, full of expectations.
Oh Lord, he drank too much at Calum, I knew it. Tomorrow he won't remember anything and I'll keep it in my head. I close my eyes again, ignoring him.
"You just went down to get some water and now you want to marry me? What the hell was in that water?” I whisper, laughing, breaking the mood.
“I'm going away in a few days and I want to go with an answer.” his voice becomes more desperate.
I open my eyes, noticing this is looking more serious than it should be. Luke presses his body closer to mine, rubbing the tips of our noses.
“Marry me. I promise we will be happy.” the sound of those words in your mouth is so beautiful and so inviting.
It's not the first time I've thought about what our future could be. But we're only in our twenties, we met basically yesterday. What if he wakes up one day and gets sick of me? If he realizes I'm not the girl for him?
“Marriage is serious business, Luke.” my heart races at the small possibility that he's serious. It must have been three hours since his last beer, the effect is gone, right?
“I know. And I am serious.” Luke raises his eyebrows quickly, looking at me seriously.
I don't pick up any signs of jokes, pranks or high alcohol content speaking louder than reason. Like every day, I allow myself to drown in his eyes, making myself vulnerable to him.
I study his face calmly, taking in every detail, reliving our entire history in the back of my mind. Like a movie, the first time our eyes met, the first 'hi', the first kiss, it all comes back to me.
I love him. I love him so much that, at times, I'm scared with all the intensity that flows between us. With all the connection and desire. How we support and hold on to each other. He is my rock, my safe haven.
Thinking about a life with him makes me happy. Knowing he's going to be the last person I see and the first when I wake up. That I will always be holding your hand in good and bad times. That he is always there to hold me.
"If I say yes, will you promise to shut up and let me sleep?" I joke, as if I didn't care too much. I still had to keep in mind that maybe he's drunk.
“Promise.” he smiles so beautifully, it's impossible not to smile with him. I roll my eyes, annoyed at being so surrendered to him.
“Yes!” I don't think it's ever felt so good to say yes. My chest seems to explode with little fantasies of our future. "Now shut up and let me sleep." I beg him, lying on his chest, not wanting to miss this little moment of our own."”
"Marnie?" I leap into place, with Noah nudging me. “Are you okay?” my friend, look at me curious
“Oh, yes! Yep! Sorry, I traveled. You were saying?” I go back to walking, trying to dispel the thought.
“Nothing. Are you sure you're okay? You know you can tell me everything, right?” Noah looks apprehensive. I hate making him feel like this.
“Really! Is nothing. Bullshit.” I shrug, but Noah still looks the same. I roll my eyes. “OK! Come here.”
I pull us away from the group, having more privacy. I organize in my mind how best to tell all this. Since nobody knew anything.
"Remember that dinner at Calum's, before the last trip? The one before my accident.”
“I don't know if we can call it dinner, after all this is something we never know how to give.” I wrinkle my nose in agreement. “Even today I find that brownie Hood made very suspicious.”
“Really?” I cross my arms in frustration. Noah stares at me confused for a few seconds, until his eyes widen. “It took a while, huh” I comment.
"I'm going to kill Calum!"
“Okay, tomorrow you kill him. Let’s get back. Remember Luke drank too much and we left early?” Hastings nods a little lost. “So, before going to sleep that day, Luke came in with a weird chat.”
“I see, he wanted a buttplay?”
“No! Noah.” I hit him. “Focus! He asked me to marry him.”
“What?” Noah's scream is so loud it gets everyone's attention. I look around, transfixed, not knowing what to do. “What? Those tulips for five dollars? I'll need to take it.” he says out loud, disguising it.
Lucky for us, even without believing, people go back to doing their thing. My mother still looks at us suspiciously but holds her ground. Noah moves closer.
“What do you mean?”
“I do not know.” I shrug. "He just asked 'marry me?' I don't know if he was high or drunk yet, but I said yes.”
“Oh my God! And then? What happened after?”
“Nothing! That is the problem. Luke didn't broach the subject further. I must have been high at the time. But I got it in my head, you know, and seeing it all.”
Hastings pulls me into a hug, rocking me back and forth, patting my back.
"Am I too stupid?" I ask, pulling away from him.
“For loving and letting yourself be loved? Nope!” he smiles, pushing my bangs back.
"I wish there was a little button that would turn it all off."
"If you get one, can I borrow it later?" I look at Noah, confused. “I bumped into Sean at the supermarket yesterday.”
“Sean, Sean?” Noah nods. “Oh my God! And then?”
Sean was Noah's first serious relationship. Without a doubt, the only person Hastings had truly fallen in love with. The problem is, Sean wasn't as ready for a relationship as Noah was at the time, and he walked away, ending everything that had barely started.
The point is, Noah never got over Sean in a way. And whenever he remembered the ex, he was like that, sulking.
“We bumped into the hallway and, well, we started talking. He moved back to LA and is finishing up moving. Finished that engineering course he wanted so much.” Noah shrugs, smoothing the flowers.
“And how are you, my love?” I question worried.
“Like a shit. I realized that he still messes with me and if he wanted, I would have sex with him.”
“Noah!” I end up not holding back the laugh.
“But it's true. Now that I'm more flexible and learned a few things.” he continues to talk as I walk away laughing.
"I do not need to know about your intimate life."
"I know about yours!" he shrugs.
“Because you're nosy.” I accuse him, finishing the matter when we return to stand by my mother's side.
Saturday - 9:00 am
I ring the bell at my father's house, startled by the screaming that starts inside. My Godness. Within seconds, my dad appears looking exhausted and impatient.
“Good Morning!” I speak loudly, making him close his eyes, taking a deep breath.
“You are my favorite daughter, did you know that?” he hugs me, pulling me inside.
“I suspect from time to time.” I joke with him.
"Marnie!" I focus my gaze on the two little monsters running towards me. As always, I crouch down hugging them both.
Tomorrow would be the twins' sixth birthday, but we're having a super party today, so tomorrow is just family. And like any normal kid, the two of them have been talking about today for weeks now, much to my dad and Meredith's impatience.
So I volunteered to take care of both of them today so the older ones can finish all the party details and have some peace.
“Ready to spend the day at the pool at Kiki's house?” I question excitedly, getting jumps and more screams. “OK! So get your things to go.”
I stand up to notice Meredith approaching, looking even more tired.
"Are you sure this won't give you trouble?" she asks after a hug.
“I am! I love taking care of them and that way you get a break.”
“It would be great. They woke up at 6am and haven't stopped since.” Meredith sighs.
The twins return with their backpacks and barely wave to my dad and Meredith, heading straight for the door. After Mom's orders and a million kisses, I say goodbye to them both.
I get into the car and drive to Kyleen's house, where we're going to spend the day. As the best big sister in the world that I am, I set up the best party in the world for my siblings. Since my house was impractical and well, Luke's was gone, Leah freed up her backyard for the kids' party, where everything would be set up.
Lots of games, toys, decorations and candys, just the way they like it. Best of all, they think it's all going to be at their house and they can't imagine what I've done.
After 20 minutes of singing and joking, I park at Kiki's house, overcoming another day behind the wheel. The twins barely wait for me to open the door and rush in, wanting to go straight to the pool.
After lots of sunscreen, well placed buoys and vests, and everyone dressed properly, we threw ourselves into the pool, enjoying the rest of the morning.
The whole plan was to distract the kids, make them tired, sleep the rest of the afternoon and then party. The only problem is that they weren't getting tired, unlike me who after four hours couldn't take it anymore.
I serve lunch, so they finally stop for a while. At least until Kyleen arrived and all the screaming started all over again.
“Wow, from your face you're handling the kids super well.” she scoffs, before greeting me.
"They don't get tired." I complain, my eyes widening. “Pool. We play hide and seek, and they are still full of energy. My back is hurting and I know my knee snapped at some point.”
Kyleen chuckles, causing me to laugh along with her.
“Do you know what this is? Age!” she continues to mock.
“We were better than that.” I sigh. “And Leah?”
“At her house, organizing some things. Another one who is excited for the party.”
"She knows it's the kids' birthday, doesn't she?"
“And you know she's a child too, right? She hired a trampoline” Kiki whispers, so as not to draw the children's attention. "I went by there just now and she was jumping."
“Tell me, what's it like to know that if you have kids one day, you're going to have to take care of the kid and Leah?” I laugh, seeing Kyleen suffering in advance.
We spent the rest of the afternoon playing with the two who didn't seem to have an “off” button. Around 4pm, we started the operation “taking a shower”, something that was not easy, as they didn't want to leave the pool. In the end, Kiki and I needed help and so Noah and Leah arrived, but it wasn't like everything was any easier either.
With the kids tidy and contained, Kiki and I finished getting ready and headed to Leah's house.
“I love your siblings, but I can't wait to get rid of them.” Noah whispers in my ear as Leah opens the door making room for the kids to rush inside.
“Don't even tell me. It wasn't you who spent the day running with them.” I whisper, getting in front of him.
“I'm short of breath so far.” Kyleen lets go.
"I want to see you guys wake up tomorrow." Leah finally scoffs.
Soon my siblings' screams could be heard from Greece. Of course they loved it and wanted to experience it all. I let out a tired groan as Meredith comes towards me, laughing.
"I told you they'd be hard work." she hugs me.
"I didn't get so tired before." I complain.
“You’re getting old.” she jokes.
“I said it!” Kiki yells, on her way to the backyard.
“Thank you for everything. They loved it.” Meredith smiles fondly.
"What don't I do for them?!" I shrug, following her out into the yard. “What is that?” I look at a small stage with a few instruments.
I don't remember hiring a band.
“Uh, Leah hired them at the last minute. She thought they needed a distraction.” Meredith rolls her eyes, laughing. “I'll make sure everything is ok.”
She leaves before I can say anything and disappears for the party. I approach my friends who are already sprawled on the sofa by the pool.
“Didn't need to hire a band, Leah. In seconds the kids will forget we exist.” I say, sitting down next to her.
“I didn't hire the band.” she looks confused at me.
“But Meredith told me-”
“Oh yes! Yes! Truth. I hired them.” she laughs. “Dã!”
I stare at the suspicious brunette. Forced laugh, quick interruption. Leah didn't hire the band. Why then is she lying?
"What are you hiding from me?" I get to my feet, crossing my arms.
The three of them look at me, alarmed and nervous. More forced laughter emerges.
“Nothing! I just forgot I hired the band.” Leah stands up, hugging me sideways. “Stop being paranoid. I think your dad is searching for you, go find him.”
Leah pushes me away, convincing me to go back inside the house. I know my dad isn't searching for me, but maybe he knows what's going on. I search him in the room, unable to find. I head down the hall towards his room, but stop when I hear his voice.
"Did you like it?" I know Luke is smiling, I can feel it. My siblings let out a loud and excited “yes”. “That’s great. You guys always said you wanted to have a band, well that's the night. Enjoy it a lot.”
Luke who hired the band.
“I wish you were here.” I hear Kendall say. I approach slowly, not being able to see anything, just listening to the conversation.
“Me too, buddy, but I can't. I am working a lot. Maybe when I get back to LA, I'll take you guys out for a rehearsal. What do you think?” Hemmings suggests excitedly, earning another louder yes. “Great. Well then, enjoy your party and my present a lot.”
I hear the kids saying goodbye and run back to the living room. Luke hired the band and still bought presents? I know he likes the children, but I thought that with the break up, he did not keep touch with everyone.
"Marnie? You are pale. Are you feeling okay?” Kiki asks when I walk into the kitchen.
"Why didn't they tell me Luke hired the band?" I question, still absorbing and repeating his voice in my head.
Kiki widens her eyes. Mouth open, she looks sideways, lost, until she sighs, relaxing.
“It wasn't for bad. We didn't know how you were going to react and Luke asked too. He wanted to do something for the kids, but he was afraid you'd stop him.”
“What? No!” I cover my face. “Look, I don't want to have that kind of relationship. I don't want to leave you guys in an uncomfortable situation or anything. If he wants to do anything for my family, he can be at ease, he doesn't have to hide anything. Luke will be back any minute now and we'll have to face each other. So let it be in the best possible way.”
Kiki looks at me with a mixture of pity and pride. Then she takes a few steps towards me hugging me.
“I know you're all trying not to mention him and what we've lived through, but that's not how it gets better inside of me. I don't want to erase Luke from my life.” I say as soon as we walk away.
“You are right. Sorry if we want to protect you too much.”
“No. I would do the same thing for you. Thanks anyway for trying.”
Kyleen and I hugged one more time before heading out into the backyard. In a few minutes the party starts. My siblings' friends start to arrive and so the mess is installed. I divide my attention between my siblings, my friends, and my parents as I sink down onto the candy table.
[...]
The clock struck around 2am. The party was already over and had been a success. The kids loved it and played until they rolled over, which for Meredith and my dad was a relief. Before midnight, Leah's backyard was clean, toys had been dismantled and the decorations collected.
I was at my bedroom window, looking out into the empty backyard, seeing the stage perfectly with the instruments in the back of my mind. I touch the mouth of the beer bottle, reminiscing about Luke's kind attitude of remembering my siblings' birthday.
I look away from the lawn momentarily, grabbing my phone. Something screamed in my mind, but I didn't really care at the moment. I need it. Need it.
I suck in air harder, feeling my heart explode in my chest and the butterflies in my stomach. A ray of clarity hits me and I prepare to hang up, but unfortunately it's too late.
"Marnie?" the curious tone makes me close my eyes, savoring my name in his voice.
“Hi.” my mouth betrays me, dropping a greeting.
"What’s wrong? It is everything ok?” now I notice your heavier voice. Damn, I woke him up.
“Sorry, did I wake you up?”
“No! It’s ok! Did something happen?” Luke asks again. I start to shake my leg letting my nervousness take over.
“Nope. In fact, yes. Kinda of. Sorry.” I say it all too fast, mentally cursing myself.
“You need to stop apologizing.” Luke says, after letting out a low laugh.
“Sorry.” I bite my lip, smiling. I can see Hemmings rolling his eyes. “I just wanted to call to thank you for the gift of the twins, it was very kind of you. They loved it.”
I get up, starting to walk around the room.
“Oh! It was nothing. I'm glad they liked it, but without your help I was afraid to buy the wrong thing.”
Now I'm the one who laughs.
“Yeah, you were always horrible with presents.” I tease lightly.
"You never complained about yours." I hear a noise in the background and wonder if Luke is walking around the room like I am.
“Don't buy it! I felt sorry to say something.” I'm still joking, enjoying the mood.
“Haha. I will pretend to believe you.” he lets out a louder laugh, which makes me smile.
It's a good mood, but soon silence takes over, and I'm afraid we're reaching the end.
“I miss you.” the confession goes out before I can tell. Luke doesn't respond right away.
"I miss you too." I close my eyes, imagining him in front of me.
"Why didn't you come after me?" my eyes are starting to water.
I rub the bridge of my nose, feeling it burn.
“I went, but you were already gone.” Luke replies. I shake my head negatively.
“Nope! You just gave up on me. I expected you to show up again, but you were gone.”
"I didn't know if I should go after you." Hemmings confesses melancholy. "Did you want me to go?" your breathing becomes heavy.
“Yes.” I blow, feeling my heart clench. “I don't know what our future will be. If we're going to find other people. But I will always love you.” I curse mentally when my voice breaks, giving evidence that I'm crying.
I don't expect an answer from Luke, hanging up. Lucky for me, I don't know, he doesn't come back. And there I got my answer, it was over between the two of us.
A week later…
Hawaii - 4:45 pm
I lean my head against the open window, breathing in the fresh air and soaking up some sun. I had arrived in Hawaii just a few minutes away for a photo shoot, which I was doing just for love for Noah and the company since I was still on vacation.
Unfortunately, the magazine wanted me, as I still was “the moment”, so there wasn't much negotiation with other models. And as Noah knows how to convince better than anyone, I agreed to do this little job, for Hawaii and because later Leah and Kyleen will come to meet us here for a few days.
I pay attention to the beautiful views that are along the way to the house Noah has rented for us while he's going over his schedule. After a few more minutes, the driver stops in front of a beautiful two-story house.
“Finally.” I say getting out of the car. "I need to eat and sleep."
I brake, still close to the car, analyzing the house. I know this house. Even before the accident, my memory was not the best of the squad, but I'm sure this house is the same as almost three years ago, when we came to Hawaii.
“Some problem?” Noah asks beside me.
"Isn't this the house we stayed in?" I question, confused.
“Nope! It seems, but that house belonged to Mark. Look, why don't you open it while I get everything right here?”
I take the key to Noah's hand, still suspicious that it wasn't the house, but I don't argue. I grab my bag from the car seat and head towards the house. I leave the door ajar for Noah and head across the room.
I recognize the furniture and their position. It's the house we stayed in! Why are we at Mark's house? Does he know we are here?
I think about going to Noah, asking, but something catches my eye, not making me head back to the door. The lights that illuminate the backyard and pool came on, drawing me in like a magnet. I know it would be right for me to get out of here and not snoop, but my curiosity is greater than anything. With slow, cautious steps, I head towards the pool.
Chapter Twenty Three ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ Chapter Twenty Five
Marnie pov.
The sensation is like being punched in the stomach. You lose your breath and immediately feel a terrible pain gnawing through your entire body, reaching down to your last strand of hair. Your heart starts pumping blood faster, so that your body can overcome the pain and you have the strength to fight back, but I can't.
I can't get over the pain. I can't react better than staring at Pamela wearing his shirt, in his room. I can't move, let alone make my brain work to process all this. What is she doing here?
“What…” my voice barely has the strength to come out.
That wasn't the plan. She shouldn't be here. Luke called her? Have they been talking? How long has she been with him? I don't remember seeing pictures of them together recently. Does it also have John's finger in it?
"Marnie? I can't believe you actually came. God damn is a lot of courage, or lack of notion, I don't know.” she looks at me in utter disapproval.
I focus my eyes inside the room, wanting to find any clue that it wasn't Luke's room. It can not be. But everything indicates, unfortunately, I'm wrong. The boots at the door, the coat on the armchair, the guitar on the sofa, the scattered candles. It's his room. Shit, it's his room.
“What are you doing here?” I gather forces to confront.
“Stop it, Marnie. We are not innocent little children. We both know very well what I'm doing here. The question is, what are you doing here?” Pamela crosses her arms, raising her eyebrows.
For the first time in years since I've known her, I feel intimidated. Tiny against her. The slightest thought that Luke is with her makes me nauseous. I suck air, in an attempt to maintain my pose, even fragile.
“I came to talk to Luke. We have business to attend to. Where is he?” I move towards the bedroom, but she stops me.
“First, you have nothing else to deal with. It’s over. You ended it all yourself. Which, honestly, came as a shock to me. Nothing personal, but I always thought Luke would kick you.”
My breath catches, giving signs that I'm about to cry, and I can't bear the thought of doing it in front of her. My chest starts to rise and fall fast, demonstrating that her words are having an effect on me.
“Second, Luke is in the shower, as you can hear.” for the first time, my ears pick up the sound of the shower running. “It's been a long afternoon.” Pam flashes a disgusting smile. She lets out a short laugh.
I hug my body, wanting to get out of there or scream for someone to help me. But my voice doesn't seem to work. My brain doesn't seem to work. On the way here I even prepared myself for the sad possibility of running into Luke with just any girl, but not Pamela.
“Look, I know you must think I hate you and all that bullshit, but I never had anything against you. Even because deep down I knew that Luke's crush on you wouldn't last. I've known him for years and I know what he's like. He lives in moments and yours is gone.”
Pamela rests her hand on my shoulder, looking deep into my eyes. A chill runs through my body and all I feel is embarrassament. Embarrassed to be here. That Luke would want to see and hear me. To think that maybe he was waiting for me. That maybe everything would work out.
"If I can give you a hint as a friend, as a woman, if you like. Leave before Luke sees you here at his door and you have to be embarrassed more than you already are. Seriously. After everything that happened you come here?!” Pamela makes a face. “I mean, I was kinda hoping, but deep down, I thought you'd be better than that and not lend yourself to this ridiculous role. I say this for your own good.”
Nothing.
I can't say anything. I can't react. I can't even explode internally. I just wanted to dig a hole in the ground and disappear.
“Well, since we've taken care of everything, if you'll excuse me, I need to get ready for the show. Bye-bye.”
Pam doesn't even give me time to listen to what she says, and closes the door in my face, locking it. I stare at the wood for a few more seconds, before the pain engulfs me alive. My heart beats so slow and so deep that for a moment I think I'm going to pass out.
A sob echoes down the hallway announcing my crying. I force myself out of there, before any of them see me, before Luke sees me like this. Just imagining him looking at me with contempt for showing up there makes everything worse inside me.
I try helplessly to dry my tears, not wanting to cry anymore about it. I feel my body heavy with weariness. I can't take it anymore. I just want to get into bed and disappear into the sheets. My mind feels sluggish, also exhausted from struggling to think of solutions for how to get back to what I had before. Exhausted from deluding myself and getting disappointed by reality.
I walk down the hall, swallowing my tears with all the strength I have left, forcing myself to hold my ground, but I lose focus when I hear that whistle and just see him enter the hallway. I stop in my tracks, wondering if I'm fantasizing. I heard the shower.
I take a step back, not knowing what to do, watching the tall Australian walk towards me, focused on his phone, not noticing my presence. For seconds I'm rooting for it, but I know it's impossible. And I think deep down, I don't want to either. I want him to look at me, to feel his heart race, the same way I'm feeling mine right now.
Luke stops whistling when he sees me. He looks so different from the boy I met at Ash's party, or the man I saw when I woke up in that hospital. He looked a little thinner and his eyes were deep because of the dark circles under. How long has he not slept? I let myself drown in his blue eyes, which look more intense now. I delete everything, focusing only on him. Amnesia. John. Pamela, everything seems to disappear from my mind.
I lean against the wall, feeling the hallway spin. He's here. After a month away from him, he's here, so close I can smell his scent. I take a deep breath, taking an uncertain step toward him. It's time to settle this.
Before I can control myself, I walk faster towards him, bumping into his body, hugging him. It takes Luke a few seconds to process what was happening, but as soon as he realizes it's really me there, his arms go around me, squeezing me tightly.
I inhale his perfume, letting that fragrance run through my bloodstream, causing a tingle through my body and waking up the long-sleeping butterflies in my stomach.
“My God, you're here.” Luke whispers, pulling away a little, cupping my face. “Please say I'm not hallucinating.” he caresses my cheeks.
“You’re not! I'm here.” I crack a smile through my tears, hugging him again.
“Damn! I missed you so much.” his voice makes my body shiver.
His nervous and anxious hands run all over my body, squeezing me, making sure more and more I'm here. I don't judge him, as I do the same, touching his shoulders, arms and neck. Like a defibrillator shock, my body pulses when I feel his lips on my neck. Before I get distracted, I step away from him, keeping a safe distance, not letting emotion outweigh reason.
"We need to talk." we ended up talking together.
“Sorry, you first. What are you doing here?” Luke asks, smoothing his hair.
“I came to talk to you about what happened. I came to tell you the truth.” Luke takes a step towards me, touching my waist. Once again the touch releases a shock through my body, causing me to crave more.
“Okay. Come on! Let's talk.” he guides me towards the bedroom. I stop my steps when I notice. Luke looks at me confused and it all comes back to me. Pamela.
"What's Pamela doing in your room?" the question comes out before I think.
“What?” he ends up screaming, which echoes down the hall. “Oh shit! Okay, she's in my room, but that's not what you're thinking, Marnie. She soiled her shirt and I went down to buy a new one.” he explains quickly, stumbling over a few words.
I think about refuting his words, but the bedroom door opens, revealing a confused Calum looking sideways, eyes widening as soon as he sees me. I can't control my smile seeing your face after weeks.
"Marnie?" he asks, taking a step out of the room.
"Marnie?" I hear Ashton's louder voice, which in a few seconds, bursts through the door, nearly running over Calum, coming quickly towards me.
I let out a scream as his arms wrap around me, lifting me off the ground and rolling me in midair. Within seconds, still hugging Ashton, I feel more people joining the two of us.
“What do you do here?” Ash asks, confused.
“I came to talk to Luke.” I refocus on the blonde, who looked anxious and a little jealous “Actually, with all of you somehow. I came to tell you what happened and it's still happening.”
The four look at each other suspiciously, but agree. I approach Luke, still nervous, not knowing if I could pull him by the hand, even if I wanted to.
“I need to leave this in the bedroom. I will meet you in Michael's room.” Hemmings warns, taking on a serious expression, turning away from me.
I watch him enter the room and close the door. I remember Pamela in there and my stomach turns. Ash takes my hand, pulling me into Mike's room. With every step I take, I don't take my eyes off door 1504, wishing it would open fast, but it remains closed. Why is he taking so long?
I walk into Michael's room, finding Sophie standing there, twisting her fingers with a huge smile on her face. I walk towards her, greeting her with a hug.
“Good to see you again.” she reveals, taking me by surprise, after all we don't spend a lot of time together.
“Are you okay? Want something? Do you need something?” Michael starts to ask.
"I'm fine, thanks."
"Where's your arm cast?" Calum points.
“If it's not there…” Ashton looks at his friend teasingly.
“I took it out! My arm has already healed.” I answer Calum, ignoring sassy Irwin.
"What about amnesia? How are you?” Ash asks.
At that moment, I hold my breath. I focused so much on talking about John that I completely forgot about the end of amnesia. I open my mouth, working out a way to tell this without affecting the initial plan, unmasking John.
Lucky for me, someone knocks on the door and Michael rushes it open, revealing Luke. I notice her slightly flushed cheeks and her dark eyes. He's not okay. Awkwardly, I get up from the couch, facing him, as if it's the first time we've been seeing each other. I wait for him to take the seat beside me, but he takes a seat in the front, far away.
“ I'm going to take a walk at the hotel, it seems like a serious conversation.” Sophie gets up, but I stop her.
“No! Stay! It will be good for you to be aware of that too.”
Finally Sophie takes her seat beside me, putting me between her and Ashton. I scan everyone there who looks more terrified than I am. The time has come. I take a deep breath, feeling my mouth reach out. I thought I would be more prepared.
“I didn't do everything I did just because I wanted to. I never wanted to leave LA, nor ignore your attempts at contact, let alone break up whatever I was having.” I look at Luke, who looks away awkwardly.
"So what happened?" Calum asks. I take a few more deep breaths, taking in my courage.
"John manipulated me. It made me believe I was getting in your way. That my image was getting in your way.” the words come out at once.
I catch my eye on them, finding Michael, Cal, and Ash looking at each other in shock and Luke staring at me aloof.
“Wait, when did this happen?” Michael questions.
“On Friends of Friends day. I bumped into him leaving the studio. He asked if we could talk. At that moment he just wanted me to convince Luke and you guys to take that trip to promote the singles, remember?! And I was going to do it. But then the music came and he freaked out. He said that either I walked away or he damaged the band and I didn't want to take any risks.”
Dead silence fills the room. I start to take a deep breath, nervous about the reactions. Ash rubbed his forehead, upset. Calum was slumped in his chair, staring into space. Michael blinked rapidly, sighing. Poor Sophie didn't even move and Luke, staring at me with a frown.
“Why didn't you tell me?” Luke's voice finally reaches my ears. I stare at him, intimidated. He still looks confused.
"I didn't know if I should. I was scared, didn't I think t-”
“But we talked about it. Several times.” he interrupts me, standing up.
“Yes! Before amnesia. But then we never talked about John or what he tried to do to both of us. I was afraid of harming you, I didn't want to risk a threat. If it weren't for the amnesia, I wouldn't have listened to him.”
"And what made you change your mind now?" he folds his arms.
It's like a bucket of cold water. I prepared so much for this moment. For Luke not to want to listen to me. Listening to me and not wanting me back, but I didn't prepare myself for that.
I analyze your expression and body posture. He looks at me like he doesn't know me. As if I was saying something out of the reality that we live.
"You don't believe me, do you?" I suck in air, missing him.
I blink several times, processing the information and adapting to the new scenario. I rub my hands on my pants, feeling sweaty and cold.
“I'm not saying that, Marnie." he approaches. I stand up, wanting distance.
“You don't have to, it's in your face.” I accuse him.
“The point is, it's a sensitive topic. It's a pretty serious charge, he's our manager.” Luke raises his voice.
Nausea and irritation is all I feel. Luke doesn't believe me. I thought that would be impossible considering our background with John, but apparently I'm wrong.
“You know you could have told me.” Hemmings continues, getting irritated too.
“No, Luke! I couldn't. Because I didn't know. I had amnesia. I had no idea how to handle all of this. Fame, money, media. I didn't have any preparation. I got thrown into it. I had to learn from day to day, without an instruction manual. I sacrificed my happiness for you.”
“I never asked you to.” he points a finger at me.
Once again I lose my breath. I don't recognize it. In fact, I even recognize this posture. That's why we fought so much in the beginning. But it's not the same Luke. At least not mine.
"I didn't think it was necessary." my voice cracks.
“Marnie, the point is, it doesn't make sense. John spent this entire month taking care of me and asking me if I wanted him to talk to you, to try to get you to see me. And now, you arrive saying that he forced you to leave? You did have a chance to ask for help-”
“For you? For you do what, Luke? Argue with him like you always did and then you guys have to hear from the record company for ‘going against the manager's orders’? I'm sorry if I wanted to stop you from sticking your feet in and that it harms you more.” I end up screaming.
A sob escapes me and I realize I'm crying. That was the last thing I wanted.
"And how kind of him to act like he really cares about us. Even cuz he never interfered between us, right? He never insinuated that I cheated on you with Ashton and a million other people. Or that you were always drunk during the tours, causing trouble with the team. No! John has always been a saint.”
“M&Ms…” Luke tries to hold me back, but the touch annoys me.
“No!” I walk away. "I'm tired of this. I came to warn you about John and that's what I did. The decision is now yours.” I ignore everyone looking at us.
I grab my bag and march to the door. Luke still calls out to me, but I completely ignore it, feeling my body heavy as if I've competed in a triathlon.
I open the door, stopping abruptly. I stare at Ashton who's already on his feet.
“About my amnesia.” I turn my gaze to Luke, who has his jaw set. "It’s over." the last thing I see is his pupils dilate. I walk down the hall, hearing Ash call me, but I don't stop.
I choose the stairs, not wanting anyone to reach me waiting for the elevator. I manage to go down two flights, but unfortunately Ashton catches me.
“Hey! Listen me.” he yells as I try to break free. “I believe you. Okay?”
So I stop. My head stills for two minutes, reminding me of the fact that Luke didn't believe me. I cover my face, crying, letting Ashton pull me into his body, hugging me.
“Ignore everything Luke said. I don't think anyone expected that. He just doesn't know how to handle it. He believes in you, just let him take it all in.” Ash pats my back, rocking me like a baby.
“It was so hard to hold all that and walk away. And now that I remembered everything and saw that I could count on you.” My throat closes up, intensifying my crying.
“It's okay! It's gonna be okay. I promise you.” he squeezes me tighter.
I start to let go when I hear hurried footsteps on the stairs. Ash steps in front of me, but relaxes when Sophie enters our field of vision. I turn onto my back, trying to dry my face, embarrassed.
“Sorry, we were worried about her. Michael took the elevator down. Calum and Luke are upstairs. Luke wants to talk to you, Marnie.”
A fake laugh comes out as I shake my head no. If I see Luke now, it will make everything worse.
"I don't want to see him. I want to leave.” I go back down the flights to the next floor, calling the elevator.
I notice Sophie and Ash beside me. We walked down the path in pure silence, while I still shed tears of sadness and anger. As soon as the door opens, I head toward where Eddie had been standing, finding him standing, talking to Michael.
I ignore Clifford's presence, hugging my friend and begging him to get me out of there. Edward hugs me a little scared and starts pulling me out of the hotel.
“Can I go with you?” I hear Sophie's voice reluctantly. Everyone stares at her, who blushes. "I don't want you to be alone."
I look over at Michael, who just shakes his head, giving the girl a quick peck before she rushes to my side.
“Wait!” Irwin asks. “Where are you? I want to see you after the show. Know better about what happened.”
"I'll text you."
I say goodbye to them one more time and hug Eddie, I head to the black sedan that was on the other side of the street. I can feel my friend's eagerness to know what happened, but Edward controls himself, leaving me quiet in my corner, mulling over every word I hear.
Luke didn't believe me.
Luke pov.
I still hadn't processed everything that was going on. It was supposed to be a normal day, I didn't imagine I would meet Marnie in the hallway of my room. Yes, I thought about trying to go after her, thought about calling, but I couldn't stand the idea of her despising me.
Then, like a miracle, I see her there, like the first time I saw her. Her hair was long and dark, like she was twenty-one again. I was afraid it was a piece of my mind, wasn’t really there, but it was.
The moment I felt her in my arms, it was like coming back to life. My body relaxed for the first time since she was gone. I felt the blood rush through my veins and pump my heart like never before. She's here.
My hands touched her entire body, wanting to confirm her presence, wanting to feel her touch. My lips tingled, begging for hers. I don't even know why she showed up, but I just knew I never wanted her to go again.
But she is gone.
It slipped through my fingers and I couldn't even hold it back. Why did I have to argue? Why did I have to debate? What a damn habit of arguing with her. Just listen. She was there, in front of me, so close. Then I could be alone with her. I could fix everything, but no. No, I had to be an asshole.
The bedroom door opens, showing Michael and Ashton. I get up, looking for Marnie's small body behind them, but they're alone.
“She left.” Ashton replies, even before I open my mouth.
"Did you let her go?" a rage born within me.
“No! I didn't do anything, Luke. You let her go. Was it hard to listen in silence? She comes here risking everything if John catches her, and you dispute what she says?” Irwin wears an expression as irritated as mine.
“What the fuck! I didn't object! But it is a serious charge. It's going to be her word against his and who do you think will win this shit?” I shout. "John can finish her off and you think I want that?! I just wanted to be completely sure what she was talking about. Evidence, I don't know. Things that could protect her. Things that ensure that I can protect her.”
“She doesn't want to gain anything, Luke. She wants you. She wants you to be by her side, no matter what. She wants you to believe her. Yeah, all this shit took me by surprise too. John has been with us for four or five years and has always taken care of us, but we can't pretend we don't know he's gone overboard a few times.”
“Few times?” Mike whistles, shaking his head. “Several times, and we talked about it a lot. Girls, birthday parties, special holidays. If don't agree with what he agrees with, he sticks his finger in the middle.”
I know John is not the best person in the world. He has every possible flaw. But I don't want to believe he got to that point. Threatening Marnie, forcing her to walk away from me.
I knew it was a lie. When she said she couldn't fall in love with me. I could see in her eyes that she was lying. So why couldn't I see that she needed help?
I should have gone after her. I should have come to New York before. Put her against the wall no matter how many times she yelled at me. But I let her go. I let it slip through my fingers.
“No. No. You're not going after her now.” Ashton, stop me.
"I thought I was supposed to be by her side." I retort, annoyed.
“And it is you idiot, but like that, in this state, you're just going to argue more. Remember what she said, ‘putting everything down’? We cannot do this now. Cool your head, organize your ideas and then you go after it. I arranged to see her after the show, to find out more details.”
"Why you and not me?" I cross my arms.
“Because I didn't argue with the girl. Pay attention.” he raises his tone, slapping my head. "I'll check her and then I'll try to convince her to talk to you. Now let's get ready for the show and stay calm. Let's go.”
Reluctantly, I head to my room, heading straight for a shower. I press my forehead against the wall, letting thoughts race through my mind. I go over the whole situation. I am very unlucky.
First, when I'm about to get rid of Pam, she ‘accidentally’ stains her shirt. Afterwards, I only leave the room for 20 minutes, but that's long enough for Marnie to show up and pick up Pamela. Then I manage to make her stay and tell me the truth and finally I shit everything up.
My heart sinks as my head shows me her teary eyes, looking at me like I'm a stranger.
I remember when she looked at me like that in the hospital and it was the worst pain in the world. I shouldn't have suspected her. I shouldn't. I finish my shower, heading to bed, lying down, not wanting to go to the show. I just wanted to stay here and pray that Ash would convince her to talk to me again. But I didn't have much choice.
Unfortunately, we still had an hour to go and I know that until then I'm going to get bogged down in my thoughts.
[...]
I go out the side of the stage, with my head still in the clouds. From the hotel to the studio, until taking the stage, I was silent, mulling over my mistake. I texted Marnie, but they didn't even come.
“What a show, guys. You rock it.” John congratulates us in the dressing room.
I notice everyone looking at each other, uncomfortable. I stare at John, wondering at the mood, but keeping that fake smile. I imagine him intimidating Marnie, leaving her terrified. Making her run away. I see her face in the back of my mind the day she broke up with me. Her apology before walking out the door.
I can feel my face hardening, as my heart races, making me take a deep breath. Without being able to analyze my thoughts and control my attitudes, I march to John, with that anger rising through my body.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Calum rising quickly and moving closer. John wipes the smirk off his face, taking on a worried face now.
"Did you tell Marnie to get away from me?" I question.
Letterman runs his eyes past me and the guys behind me. I feel Michael's hand on my shoulder, squeezing. I want to scream at him to answer, but John lets out a low laugh.
“That bitch even took a while to open her mouth.”
I hold my breath. Feeling that punch in the pit of your stomach. Now it was Calum and Ash's hand joining Michael's, trying to pull me away from John.
“What did you say?” I blow, with my chest swelling more.
“I told her to stay away from you, because if it weren't for me, you'd be in deep shit. Staying in Los Angeles taking care of that retarted while your career sinks, that's the-”
The movement is very fast. I manage to untangle my arm from Michael's grip and land a punch to the bastard's nose, sending him staggering backward. I step forward to hit more, however the three of them step in front of me, pushing me to the wall.
I know I'm yelling disconnected stuff, just to debate John, but I want to get him one more punch. For the band, for me and for my girl.
“Let me go!” I yell to the three of them just as Hale the security pulls Letterman out of the room.
"What the fuck was that?" Ash asks, his eyes wide.
"I couldn't look at his face knowing everything he did. I needed to confront. And did you hear him talking about her?” I pace, panting from adrenaline. “That son of a bitch. I will finish him.”
I advance towards the door. But the three of them hold me back.
“You're not going to do any shit. That's exactly what Marnie didn't want you to do.” Calum, push me to the couch.
“We have to deal with this.” Irwin begins. "We have to get John out of his post, otherwise he'll hurt us and Marnie."
Marnie.
I close my eyes, touching myself now from the shit I've done. Again. John knows Marnie told me and maybe he'll go after her to do something. I can't let him get close to her again.
"Where are you going?" Mike asks, watching me grab my wallet.
"I'm going after my girlfriend." I head for the door, willing to get anyone out of my way.
"Ashton didn't say to wait until tomorrow?" Hood asks.
“Screw this.”
It's the last thing I say before striding down the halls. I dodge a few photographers, giving a fake smile so as not to feed the headlines, and get in the car, trying to get in touch with her.
The problem is, she doesn't answer me. Who can help me? Who can help me? I scroll through the list of contacts, looking for the only name that could help me right now.
“Leah? I need Marnie's address, please.” I say as soon as she answers.
“I'm going to stick a stiletto heel up your ass, Hemmings. What kind of shit do you have in your head?” she screams. I roll my eyes.
“I know I screwed up and I'm trying to fix it. Can you give me the address or not?” I scream, irritated.
“Okay, but I didn't tell you.”
I give the address to the driver, feeling the anxiety rise within me with every street and traffic light the car crosses. I stop in front of a tall building, running to the interphone. I find her last name and dig my finger into the button.
Come on, Marnie! Answer me! Answer me! Answer me!
“Yes?” I recognize the male voice, the same as that day.
"Where's Marnie? I need to talk to her? Marnie, please, please listen to me.” The words slur as I speak into the microphone.
“Marnie isn't here, Luke.” the voice calmly warns me.
“What?”
I need to lean against the wall, feeling my blood pressure drop. Where is she? I look around, as if that's how I'm going to find her. Not again.
“Go up. I'll explain it to you better.”
The door unlocks and I rush inside. In the elevator, I force my mind to unravel where she could have gone. She came to New York a few times, but she never had a favorite place.
In the hallway, I spot this Edward, or Eddie, as Ashton called it, standing outside the apartment. I walk towards him, lost.
“Hi, I'm Edward. I was responsible for Marnie this month.” he holds out his hand, which I shake politely.
“Luke.” I introduce myself.
Edward invites me into the apartment. A shiver runs when her scent hugs me. I take a quick look at the decor, not finding my girlfriend's taste there. But that's not what I came to do.
"Where is she?" I turn to the boy.
“She left.” he sets a glass of water in front of me. “I know what happened. And I know why you're here. I also know you're going after her, but I just want to say something. Marnie is really hurt. For everything. She left, looking for help. She said something about a Dr. Prescott.”
“It's her psychologist.” I stop him, even with the lump in my throat.
“I know she loves you and I know you do too. So the only thing I ask, Luke, is that you take care of her like never before. She is a very special friend and I would hate to see her get any worse.”
The fact that she's running to Dr. Prescott again makes my stomach churn in fear. She helped Marnie through the worst time in her life and it breaks me to think she's living another one.
“Where did she go?” I sniffle, trying to control myself, to think clearly.
“She went home.” he raises his eyebrows. "Just got on a jet to Los Angeles."
I nod, not being able to speak. I thank Eddie, walking away, not wanting a stranger to see me cry. I think of the weight Marnie has borne all this time alone and fear that I have lost her forever.
Marnie pov.
I get out of the shower, sitting up in bed, thinking. After I left the hotel and got home, I told Eddie everything, and he stared at me in amazement. Even he, who had never met Luke, didn't expect that he would believe me.
After telling it all, I sank down on the couch in silence, trying to organize my thoughts and not drown in the darkness that surrounded me. Sophie stood next to me, not leaving me alone for a second, while Eddie went out to make some calls. I know that he was warning Leah, for the simple fact that she had been calling me non-stop.
The clock was ticking close to 7 pm when I started to insist to Sophie that I was fine and that she could meet Michael at the show. That's when the doorbell rang. From the couch I watched Eddie go to the door and come back lost.
“What's wrong?” I question.
“It's John!” he says with his jaw clenched.
“What?” I jump off the couch, walking to the door on tiptoe.
John was standing on the other side, looking not good at all. I take steps backwards, feeling the air shortage in me. Oh, shit. Shit. Shit. Luke had messed up. I knew it. I knew it.
“Sophie, come up. Please.” I order, trying to organize my head.
“No! I'm not leaving you with this guy.” she approaches.
“If he sees you here, you'll become his next target. If you're not already. Climb up and be quiet. Please.” I beg this time. I turn to Eddie.
“You can kneel, whatever, I'm not leaving you with this guy.” Eddie says, not even giving me a chance to speak.
“I wasn't going to ask that. Please don't leave my side.”
Fear. Total dread of what might happen when I answer the door. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know, or what he might do, but I don't want to find out. With Eddie standing a little behind me, I open the door facing John.
“What a pleasure to see you home, Miss McGonagall. I think we missed each other at the hotel. Since you arrived just as I left. What a coincidence, don't you think?” he lets out a harsh laugh.
“I don't know what-”
“Spare me your lame excuse. A little bird told me that you were there and that you talked to the boys.”
My body freezes at this moment. I didn't see anyone but the boys. Just some security guards. Fuck.
“Do you really think I wasn't preparing for you to show up?! I knew you wouldn't obey our agreement.”
“What are you going to do now? They already know about you.”
“But they didn't believe you.” I close my face. “That's the difference between you and me, Marnie, I know how to manipulate them. You don't. But I admire you for trying. I didn't think you'd have the courage to show up anyway. For you to see how I'm not the monster you think I am, I'll reconsider this slip. But if it happens again, I'll finish you off.”
I don't blink, staring at John with my eyes. I press my hand against the wood, wanting to actually punch him, but I wouldn't stand a chance. Letterman runs his eyes over Eddie, waving his fingers before he goes.
I slam the door angrily. I walk over to the couch feeling my legs weak. My head is heavy and my heart aches. Sophie comes slowly down the stairs.
“Sophie, you'd better go. If he gets there and doesn't see you, he might get suspicious.” I make it up, wanting to be alone.
“ I'll call a car for you.” my friend offers.
I don't wait another second, going up to my room and locking myself in. As soon as I hear the door slam, signaling that someone has left, I get up for a shower. With the deluded hope that the water would help me, that it would wash away my problems, but no.
Still sitting on the bed, I notice that the bath has not helped me at all. The help I need isn't here, and if I don't go after it now, I'll sink deeper and I'm afraid that later it will be too late.
I change and leave the room with my decision. I find Eddie sitting in the middle of the stairs, perhaps waiting for me. I sit down beside him, holding his arm and laying my head on his shoulder.
“I need to go away. I need my house. My family. My girls.” I begin, already feeling my voice cracking. “I can't take this anymore and I'm afraid of what might happen to me. I am so exhausted from falling, I don't think I have the strength to try anymore. I'm not well. I need help.”
The crying becomes overwhelming. Edward says nothing, just hugging me. I don't know how long we lay there, but he was in no hurry until my crying ceased, or in this case, subsided.
“When do you want to leave?” he asks.
“As soon as possible.” I answer softly.
“Pack your bags, I'll see what I can do.” he gets up and pulls out his phone.
“Eddie.” I hold him, pulling him into a hug. “I can't thank you enough for everything and for not giving up on me.” I squeeze him.
“Be well and take care. That's how you'll thank me.” he leaves a kiss on my cheek, before continuing to try a flight for me.
[...]
Everything was set up in less than 40 minutes. All it took was a few phone calls and the use of my name and I was on a jet to LA.
My mother and Leah had already been notified and were waiting for me at the airport. Because of the mess I had caused before leaving my apartment in LA, I would stay with Leah until my mother finished her makeover and then try to get back to my life.
I watch the city disappear into the clouds and lean back in my chair, trying to rid my mind of the millions of thoughts that surround me. I don't want to give up on Luke. I don't want to believe that those two years were just crazy thoughts in my head. But right now I know I need to take care of myself before I commit to anyone again.
I also need to let him think about everything I have confessed, because this affects not only our private lives, but also his professional one. After two hours of flight, I end up sleeping, only waking up when it's time to land in LA.
My heart seems to want to burst out of my mouth from so much anxiety. I grab my bag, quickly getting off the plane. I visualize my mother and Leah standing arm in arm, waiting for me. I run to them, feeling relieved to return to my safe haven, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
I was supposed to post it earlier, but I got a new cell phone after 6 years and got too excited and forgot to update it.
Please, don't be mad at me, I promise that soon everything will be fine between Luke and Marnie.
I sit at the end of the bed, exhausted and with a full head. I hear the shower rattle, praying that the girl in there won't pass out during bath. I had sworn today was the last time I was going out with a strange girl from the club. It was goodbye before I got my head back on my feet, but of course something was going to go wrong.
She had to have drunk too much and she had to be sick. I rub my forehead in defeat. I twirl the ring on my finger, remembering the day Marnie threw up on my floor. A short laugh escapes me as I also remember her reactions when she remembered.
““Everything happens quickly. One second she's about to kiss me and the next she's squeezing my hands as she drops everything onto my floor. I look up just wondering how this could be happening to me. Am I a really bad guy?
“Oh my God.” I hear your low voice. I look at Marnie, pale, just wanting to let go of my grip and jump into the pool with the intention of drowning. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” she starts to repeat, almost crying.
“It's ok. Are you better, I don't know?” I pay attention to her icy hands and heavy breathing.
Of course she's not okay, idiot. She is feeling sick in front of you. Where does she look good? My conscience screams.
Of course it's the drink. She jumped out the bathroom window and walked over to see me. I try not to smile remembering this fact, as this is not the right time to react to Marnie's romantic attitudes.
M&Ms continue to apologize and my heart breaks when I see tears forming in her eyes. Fuck my floor, she's about to cry.
I pull Marnie away from the damage, wanting to make sure she's better. She refuses to take her hand away from her face, still embarrassed. It wasn't a big deal either, it's not like I've never thrown up at any of my friends' houses.
I became friends with Leah after throwing up on her new couch and today we laughed about it. Well, at least I laugh, I think she has not really over what happened.
“Hey, it's okay.” I hug her. But M&Ms just shake her head in no, starting to cry.
“It's not okay.” her voice was muffled. "I threw up in front of you. On your floor. I wanna die.” I close my eyes, trying hard not to laugh. It's not the moment.
“It's okay, babe. Come, let's take care of you.” I pick her up, carrying upstairs.
Petunia wakes up from sleep and lifts her head, noticing our presence in the room, but goes back to bed when I order to stay. I sit Marnie on the bed, still worried about her condition.
“I'm sorry. Oh Lord, I swear if I knew this was going to happen... I'll pay for everything.” she slurs on the words, wiping away the tears. I hold back a laugh seeing her worried about a damn floor.
“Marnie, I don't care about the floor. Fuck some wooden planks. I'm worried about you. Do you still feel something?” I toss your hair back, leaving her face free.
She just nods positively, still not looking at me. I leave a kiss on your forehead and a request for stay still. I go downstairs quickly, getting water and a medicine for her.
Going up the steps, I hear again her noise putting everything out. A shiver that this isn't just drinking, that she's maybe really sick, that it's something more serious, surrounds me. I find her leaving the bathroom and returning to sit on the bed.
“Here. You'll feel better.” I hand the pill and water, crouching down in front of her, seeing if that's how she looks at me. I give knee a gentle pat, just hoping she'll be all right soon. "Can you stay here with Petunia for a while?" she nods. “Great! Piggy, take care of Marnie. I'll be right back. Anything, just scream.”
I go down again, now to clear everything. I take the opportunity and call the girls, letting them know that M&Ms are with me, but I have my doubts that they processed the information. And I'm also pretty sure Marnie told her about our arguing earlier, as I overheard Leah cursing me.
I'm not proud that I said I didn't want to hear from her anymore. Not to say that I would never have a serious relationship with her. But Marnie can drive me crazy. This carefree way, detached from everything, as if she didn't like to be with me, makes me have a need to prove that I'm also like that in relation to her.
I grab another bottle of water and return to the bedroom, finding Petunia now on top of the bed, lying next to Marnie, who is petting her. I hold back a little, not wanting to cut the scene. I like to see the two together. I like the way Marnie treats Petunia, and I also notice how Piggy likes her.
“Better?” I break the silence, seeing M&Ms glance at me quickly, before looking away again.
“Yep. I think I'd better go home now.” she heads toward the door, but I grab your waist, not letting take another step beyond me.
“You're not leaving here. You are still not well and you have too much alcohol in your blood. I won't let you go.” Marnie opens her mouth, but I cut her off. "Let me take care of you, for God's sake?"
“I've already given you too much trouble, look what I've done on…”
“If you talk about my floor again…” I just laugh and ultimately can make her look at me. I hug her body, bringing closer. “Come on? You can't deny it was funny.” I tease her, seeing her face hide in my chest. “Honey, I really don't care about the floor.”
My throat locks when I realize I was going to say that I only care about her. I blink a few times, now analyzing all the way here. I notice the many times I just cared about Marnie and nothing else.
“You need to take a shower to get better. What do you think?” I whisper with my face lying on top of your head. “Uhm?”
Marnie just nods and lets me lead her to the bathroom. As she undresses, keeping her panties and bra on, I grab a T-shirt of mine for her to wear later.
As a precaution, I run my hand over her cheek, noticing how hot she is. Shit, does she have a fever?! I enter the box, projecting the viewfinder so the water comes out a little cold. She really needs to lower that temperature and get rid of the alcohol in her blood.
“You need to take a cold shower first.” I comment, seeing her eyes widen.
“No!” she takes a step back. “No! Not cold water.”
Fast I forward towards her, not letting Marnie leave the bathroom. I try to argue that she needs it, while the woman continues to deny it, holding on to the sink. My God, not even a kid is that much work.
"Luke? Luke? Luke? Luke?” she starts calling to me as soon as I manage to hold her body away from anything she can use to hold on. “Please. Not cold water, please. Please.”
I stop for a second, closing my eyes and making my decision. Why am I doing all this?
"I'll go in with you."
“What?” Marnie stops struggling.
"I'll go in with you." I let her go, and she stays still, not understanding what I mean. I take off my clothes, leaving only my underwear.
I pull Marnie by the hand, which this time can't resist. I position under the shower and pull her myself into my arms, where she curls up, hiding her face in my chest. I turn on the water, feeling the contrast of my warm body to the cold temperature, letting it hit me first so she doesn't suffer so much. I close my eyes, trying to ignore the cold water and concentrate on why I'm doing all this at 3 am.
Little by little, the water runs down the small body in my arms. I feel Marnie shiver a little and I hug her more, kissing her hair.
“Just a little longer, babe.” I whisper, rubbing her back.
I change the temperature, already feeling the warmer water hit me. I help Marnie take a shower, wondering when I've done all this for a girl.
I let her dry off while I make the bed for us to lie down and change in the closet. Petunia already takes up her post at the end of the bed, not caring how many times I asked her to come down.
I go back to the bathroom, with Marnie already dressed, just getting the water out of her hair. I can't let her lie down like this, otherwise, then she's going to get sick.
I pick up the dryer, positioning myself behind her.
“What are you going to do?” she steps to the side suspiciously.
"I was going to dry your hair." I answer, as if it were obvious, after all I have the dryer in my hand. I watch M&Ms open their mouths, maybe ready to protest, but I just turn on the dryer, interrupting her.
Marnie closes her mouth and so I turn off the dryer. Again, she prepares to speak and I turn the machine back on, holding back my laughter as she rolls her eyes. We repeated this twice more, until she hit me.
"You're going to burn it. Stop it.” she asks sullenly. "And stop laughing."
I bite my lip but still can't hold back my laughter. Reluctantly, I dry her hair quickly, just so I won't let her sleep like that.
“Come on, young lady. Bed!” I order, while I tidy the bathroom.
Marnie leans against the headboard and covers her legs. I watch from a distance Petunia run to her lap, laying her head in it. I approach smiling and sitting on the edge.
“Better?” I ask, again checking her temperature, which looks better.
“Yes! Thanks. And sorry-”
I don't even bother to argue. I bring my lips to hers, shutting her up once and for all.
“I already told you it's okay. Ok?” I whisper, close to your face.
“Okay!”
"I'll take the towels out to dry and be right back." I leave a small kiss on her lips before I go.
I'm off taking our clothes to the machine. I stop in the kitchen, leaning on the counter and accepting the final verdict on all my questions since she got here.
I'm in love with her.
And there's no way I can try to deny it. Honestly, it would be ridiculous for me to try. I can't stop thinking about her, much less stay away for more than two days. I need to hear her voice all the time and do anything stupid just to see her smile and know that I was responsible for this.
I want to be able to hold your hand wherever we go. To be able to steal a kiss without worrying about what everybody will think. Most of all, I want to be able to introduce her as my girlfriend and say every day how much I like her.
I hurried upstairs, feeling my chest burst with happiness and elation. I don't know if she feels the same way. If she wants to be with me, but I will declare myself. I need to at least try.
"Marnie?" I break off, seeing her body lying on the bed, breathing deeply. She slept.
I think about waking her up, but I remember how badly she needs this rest. I save all my words for tomorrow as I lie down beside her and watch your body hug mine. I squeeze her in my arms, leaving another kiss on her forehead.""
"Luke?" a muffled female voice brings me back to reality. I walk to the door, finding Ana, already without makeup and with her curly hair tied back.
“Thanks!” I say, giving her room to enter. "Where's Sophie?" I question, following her. Lately the two live glued together.
“She turned it off in the car. Where is the girl?”
I point to the bathroom, handing Ana a change of clothes to help the girl. I don't stare her, ashamed that I need help.
“Ash says if you want to wait in his room…” she shrugs. I accept the invitation, leaving.
I stop in front of my friend's room, wondering if that would be a good idea. I know I'm insufferable and that I didn't take the attitude he wanted the day before yesterday. I'm also aware that I've been pushing away everyone who's trying to help me.
"Are you going in or not?" I jump in fright when I hear my friend's voice, wondering how he knows I'm there. "I can see the shadow of your feet. Come in!”
Still a little lost, I walk into the room, finding him sitting on the couch, rolling a joint. I approach, quietly, sitting beside him. I close my eyes, feeling every muscle in my body scream and my head spin.
“Hard night?’ he asks, still focused on his work.
"What am I doing wrong?" I question, staring at the ceiling.
“Everything and nothing at the same time." he hands me the joint. I stare at him, feeling the weight of that gesture. “She is not here.”
I pick up the joint, lighting it and inhaling. I repeat the phrase over and over, feeling the weight of it more and more. I move to Ash, who also brings it silently.
"She would kill me if she knew that." Ash lets out a low laugh. I follow him, nodding.
Marnie always knew the boys and I smoked from time to time, especially when writing songs and after a few shows. But it's not like she liked this habit very much. She was always death scared to someone would offer something different and we would sink into it.
She watched a lot of documentaries and read a lot of articles about artists who got lost in drugs and drinking.
“I miss her.” I confess, for the first time aloud, after the end. I don't know if it was from the confession or the weed, but it feels like a huge weight has lifted off of me.
“I know! It's not like you know how to hide very well." he counters.
I don't answer, ashamed. I know I got lost this past month, that everyone is right that these one-night stands aren't doing me any good or helping me move forward.
“You know, I know you need to get over it, but blocking her out of your life completely isn't going to do it. You need to learn to deal with this pain. Know how to manage this range of feelings. It's one step at a time. One day at a time. It's not your first breakup, Luke.” Irwin sits down on the sofa, punching my arm.
“I know! But that's what hurt the most. I don't think I've ever been in love like I am now. I wanted to marry her, Ashton. I dreamed of our family. Have two kids, a boy and a girl. Every time we took care of Kendall and Samantha, I figured they were our kids. I imagined what our future would be like.” the words run over me, taking me by surprise.
It was good to let off steam, it made the weight of my chest lessen. Ashton looks at me calmly, doesn't judge me and much less my imagination.
“I try to keep my feet on the ground, but I'm still hopeful that one day she'll come back. I do not know. In the future we'll meet again and I would try, if she wanted me again. I would take her back because I just want her. I want to hear her complain about my boots at the door. About the clothes on the bathroom floor. Or about the mess in my closet.”
I sit on the couch, resting my elbows on my knees. I gasp, heave, feeling my chest wanting to get more words trapped inside.
“Every time I pack my bags, I can see her sitting on the bed, sulking, because I'm leaving. Every time I sing Best Years, I see her. I can see her in every word, in every comma. Please just tell me she's fine.” I look at Ashton desperately.
She passed out and went to the hospital, I didn't go to see her, I don't know her condition and that bothers me. No article reveals what really happened, or how it is.
‘She is fine! Leah has been keeping me informed. It was just a blood pressure drop. Apparently Marnie has too much work and hasn't been too careful.”
“I hate it when she does that.” I complain, taking the joint and inhaling.
"Eddie too. At least now, he managed to get her to take a break.” I look at Ashton, confused and curious.
"Eddie?" I don't like the name.
“Yeah! He's like Noah. Take care of her schedule.” I still stare at him lost. “Dark hair, wears glasses…”
His image pops into my mind and I roll my eyes. The guy looks like a puppy behind her. Eating lunch together, accompanying her on interviews, taking Marnie to museums. I was the one who took her to museums. I was the one watching her draw.
“Calm down, jealous. They are friends and he is the one who takes care of her. We should thank him. According to Leah, he's a nice guy and he's doing everything to make the M&Ms okay.”
I give the arm a little twist, considering Leah's opinion. If she trusts him, I trust him too. I take a deep breath, already feeling my body lighter.
"Why don't you come meditate with me tomorrow morning?" Irwin invites me, making me laugh.
"You know I'm not good for that." I look at him, still laughing.
"I could give it a chance. Marnie liked it, it helped her get her mind straight. Why don't you give it a try?”
I lost count of how many times I woke up and found M&Ms meditating in the pool. Or how many times I accompanied her to Ash's house, just watching the two of them killing each other to do poses and then leaving full bruises from their tumbles.
I shrug, accepting the invitation, maybe it would do me good. I stay with Ashton for a few more minutes, until Ana appears, saying that the girl was already gone. I embrace the silence of the bedroom, heading into the bedroom and leaving my bags ready for tomorrow.
I fold my blouses, managing to hear their sighs and huffs, stomping around the room. I look at the headboard, seeing her perfectly.
““Arms crossed, face closed and a pout on the lips. I hold back a laugh, watching Marnie out of the corner of my eye.
"Can you get my 'That's Cool Baby' jacket, please?" I ask, watching amused, Marnie roll her eyes and march into the closet, bringing my jacket. “Thanks, babe.” I appreciate it when she throws her jacket with unnecessary force. "You could have been helping me." I comment.
“Why? You seem to be handling the situation very well.” she grumbles, leaning back against the headboard. “What are you laughing at?” your face closes more. "Do I look like a clown?"
“Don't ask questions you know I'll answer and you won't like them.” I point my finger at her. Marnie gets up from the bed, but I hold her.”Stop making that face, it's only been two months.” I hold your face, holding her still.
"The way you talk doesn't even sound like you care." M&Ms don't hug me back, still keeping their arms crossed.
“What? Do you think I won't miss your bad mood? From your singing with Petunia? From your deformed pancakes?” I kiss her neck, managing a smile. Slowly she uncrosses her arms.
"Don't talk bad about my pancakes. It's not their fault they're not round.” I take her finger, pointed at me, pulling her hand out to hug me.
“You know that's why I love them, don't you? And I love you.” I know I disarmed her.
“You know I hate it when you do that.” Marnie complains, still trying to maintain the pose.
“Do you hate it when I say I love you?” I joke, teasing her more.
“I hate it when you keep saying cute things, when clearly I'm trying hard to fight you.” I let out a laugh. "I don't want you to leave." Marnie whispers, hugging me upset.
“I know! But I'm not leaving fighting you. This does not reduce homesickness or facilitate it.”
Marnie doesn't respond, just hugs me tighter. I kiss her shoulder, feeling the weight of the moment now. I will be away from her for two months. Currently I can't even stay a day.
"What have you done to me, McGonagall?" I whisper.
“Don't blame me. You fucked me too.” she responds tearfully.
“That I really did.” the answer comes out before I can stop it, resulting in a kick to my shin and a scream.
“Luke!""
I know it might be the worst decision I'm making, but I can't think of anything else that makes me feel better than this. I reach for the bedroom phone, dialing the sequence I know by heart.
I dry my right hand, feeling cold and sweaty. I suck in air with more effort than usual, forcing myself to keep my breathing normal. After the third ring, her curious voice rings in my ears, like the most beautiful melody I've ever heard.
"Hello?"
I can't say anything. My mind feels like a big empty space. Deep down, I don't even want to talk, I just want to hear your voice.
"Hello?" Marnie repeats again. "Are you listening to me? Cuz can't I hear anything.” she explains quickly, flustered, pulling a smile from me.
I run my fingers over my lips, wanting to make sure I was really smiling. There were days when I didn't practice that expression so willingly.
"Hiii? Look, if you're really listening to me… oh dammit, I can't believe I lost the ring again, how is that possible?!” right now, I have to cover my mouth so I don't laugh.
Marnie and her ring problem.
"I'll hang up and call back to see if I can hear you. Goodbye!” the line drops and I know it's over.
As promised, she returns, but I don't answer, I can't be tempted to talk to her. I need to let her go. If she has to go back, she will. My hand itches, wanting to answer it and at least hear her voice one more time. After two more tries, M&Ms give up, no longer calling me.
I finish packing my bags and tidy up some things in the room. I tidy boots in the doorway and used towels in the bathroom.
The clock was already striking close to 4 am, when I reached for the guitar, sitting on the couch and strumming our song.
I swore I would give her the best years. After all the tears, heartaches and fears. I would take care of her, as I always did, as she always did for me. I would make her happy, heal all the bruises from before, but I didn't get that chance. Even though it hurt, though I choked, I have to admit that I hope Aidan makes her happy.
Marnie pov.
I watch Aidan absorb the new information, silently. I poke at the skin of my nail, eager for what he would say. We've barely had five dates and I'm already kicking him, and I'm not going to lie to say I'm feeling bad about it. Aidan is a nice guy and very kind, but he's not Luke and he doesn't even make my heart beat like the same.
“I honestly didn't expect this.” he comments after a few minutes. “I mean, I'm glad you got your memory back. I just didn't think I'd want to get back together with that guy.”
Even without using an aggressive tone, the way he refers to Luke as “that guy” bothers me. I know Luke made some mistakes, as did I, and it's just up to the two of us to deal with it.
“I love Luke and things like that don't go away overnight.” I control the hard tone of voice that insists on leaving.
“Still, he didn't come after you. He preferred to go out with other girls…”
“Aidan, I know what Luke did and I know what I did to cause it. And that matter only he and I will solve. The only thing I wanted was to talk to you and be honest. I don't think it's right to play with your feelings.”
I notice Aidan raise his eyebrows discreetly, batting something back at my speech.
“Well, if that was all, it's settled. Goodbye, Marnie, and good luck. You will need it, if you really choose to be with that kid.” Aidan picks up his things and left the cafe door.
What a son of a bitch!
I walk home, still cursing Aidan with every step I take. I don't know why I'm surprised he was offended, he's a man. I open the door, halting my steps when I find the scene of girls putting on Noah's makeup. The three stop, staring back at me.
"You promised you'd wait for me." I drop my bag on the armchair, approaching.
“Oh, you took too long.” Noah complains, combing a green lace.
“How was it?” Kyleen questions.
“As expected. He didn't really like being kicked. He called Luke a kid.” I roll my eyes sulkily.
“What a jerk.” Noah commented.
“I think he were the only person who wasn't happy that my amnesia was over.” I mean.
“Do not say that! We know someone who will be even less happy.” Leah says, eliciting a laugh from me.
"I can't wait to end John's happiness." I comment, counting the days until they arrive in New York.
[...]
I turn the pancake on the plate, just listening to the steps upstairs. Last night the twins managed to convince me and Kyleen to go clubbing and well, some people drank too much. What was not my case, in the end, I ended up taking care of two drunks.
I toss the pancake batter onto the plate, watching out of the corner of my eye as Leah come down with a frown. I take the mug with the tea, placing it in front of her.
“Good Morning!” I say.
“Please stop screaming.” she rubbed her temples. I hold back a laugh, deciding not to tease her on hangover.
We remained silent until Kiki came down, frowning as well. I give her the same tea, putting pancakes on her plate.
"I never drink like this again. God, I'm not young enough for this anymore.” Jones complains, prodding the pancake with her fork.
“Don’t tell me! Who was it let me drink like this?” Hastings, sighs.
Before I can respond, I hear footsteps on the stairs, seeing a blond guy with a beard and fit, walking past us with a slight wave, heading towards the door. Noah follows him, saying nothing to the three of us who watch the scene without understanding.
The twin stops beside his sister, stealing some grapes from the plate, still not saying anything.
"Are you going to tell or do I need to hit you with the spatula?" I question, crazy for information.
“There's nothing to tell. We met yesterday and he offered to bring me home.” I start laughing at my friend's face.
"Bring you home or bring you to bed?" Kyleen questions, raising her eyebrows.
“Both!” he responds, smiling.
"What about that Parker guy?" I ask.
“No! Too much drama for me. I can't.”
"Too much drama? You didn't date Luke, did you?” I joke, making them laugh.
“I'm coming in.” I hear Eddie's voice approaching, until he appears in the kitchen. “Good morning everybody. Did you have a good night?”
At that moment, I notice Kiki holding Leah's hand, so she doesn't give a rude answer to the poor boy, who doesn't know how loving and kind she gets with a hangover.
“Please say you brought good news.” Noah asks, clapping his hands. Unlike his sister, he is excited.
“Great, actually.” Eddie gets my attention by holding out a piece of paper.
I pick up the sheet reading “Meeting with John Letterman. 08-29 at 5pm”. I look at Eddie with wide eyes, handing the paper to the trio, who come over to read it.
“You got it?” I ask, moving closer to him.
“You'll have an hour to talk to Luke before he leaves for the show at the Apple studio. Your free pass to the hotel and to their floor is already arranged. Just do your part, Mars.” Eddie smiles. I leap into his arms, crushing him. Whispering several ‘thank you!’
1 week later…
I take a deep breath, feeling my heart want to come out of my mouth. Inside the car, we watched the hotel, waiting for idiot John to leave for the meeting. No matter how hard I suck in the air, it never feels like enough.
In a few minutes I would be with Luke, after a month. The worst month of my life. For the thousandth time, I go over the text in my mind, even though I know that by the time I see it, I'll forget everything.
I dry my hands on my skirt, feeling the nervousness grow by the second. I fantasized a million scenarios for what could happen. The ones I most desire are the ones Luke either won't let me talk to, kissing me right away, or the one who first lets me explain and then kisses me.
“It's him!” I follow Eddie's finger, seeing John leaving the hotel and getting into a silver car. A shiver runs down my spine. I will finish him. “Let's go!” he says as soon as the car leaves.
We crossed the street quickly, entering the hotel reception, which was not so busy. I squint, maybe wanting to find Luke or one of the boys over there, but I can't find anything.
“Go! Do not waste time. I'll stay here watching.” I nod nervously, taking a step toward the elevator, but Eddie holds me back.
“What?” I question, in a panic.
“Nothing! I just want to wish you good luck and forgive me for the indiscretion, but I really hope you don't come back with me today.” I notice his cheeks flushing. I open a smile, finding his reaction cute.
“I hope so too, Eddie.” I place a kiss on his cheek before running for the elevators.
I squeeze the 15th floor, feeling my legs go limp. Every number pass on the display made my stomach turn. I hold back the urge to scream every time I stop on a floor and it takes years for someone to leave or enter. Until finally I was 15th.
I exit the elevator, finding the hall and hallway empty but with a muffled noise from one of the bedrooms. I can hear Michael's indignant screams about Calum beating him in the video game.
I open a smile, approaching the door, feeling a warmth envelop me. They are so close. Focus on the number 1504, two doors away. I take a deep breath, taking the courage to knock. The time had finally come.
I knock twice, praying he's there so I can talk to him without the euphoria of the guys. I hear footsteps and feel my body freeze. The door doesn't open and I worry between him not hearing it or not wanting to open it for me.
Again, I knock on the door, this time harder. The footsteps return and I hear the door lock. I hold my breath for a few seconds, feeling the ground drop from my feet. My heart sinks into an agonizing pain that seems to have no end.
I stare at the figure in the red silk blouse, with few buttons open, with the likely misfortune of not wearing anything underneath. The messy hair and the poisonous smile on her face.
I feel short of breath and my heart bleed inside my chest. My mouth is so dry, her name barely comes out.
The last thing I remember before waking up in the hospital was Jordan's voice screaming my name. I remember seeing the spotlights turn and everything goes out. Then a very strange and unrelated dream, but without any effort, everything was there again.
Stephen's betrayal. My test for model. The first runaway. The first magazine cover. My parents' divorce. Ashton. Meredith. My siblings. Leah. Noah. Kyleen. Calum. Michael and Luke.
Luke.
Oh God, Luke.
Ash's party. Our trip. Our kiss. Our night. All fights and reconciliations. Every night and travel. All touches and smiles. Again he was there, more alive than ever in my mind.
I need to see him. I need to talk to him. Tell everything. I need him.
“Calm down, young lady. No sudden movements. You hit your head.” Edward keeps me lying on the bed. For a second I wonder who he was. But the return of my memory doesn't cancel out what I experienced during amnesia.
Oh my God, I fucked up really big. How could I let John into my head like that? How could I let him manipulate me? I never fell for his lies and now I just accepted his terms?
Oh no, Leah, Kiki and Noah. I need to apologize. I need to tell them everything. They have to help me with John. Ash. I have to call Ash.
“I need to warn the guys.” I try to get up again, but Eddie holds me back.
"You won't warn anything. I've already taken care of everything. Stay still. You need rest.”
"I don't need rest. I need to talk to my friends. I need to say that I remember everything.” my voice dies. I remember everything. “I remember everything. I remember everything.” my throat closes up.
I bring my hand to my head, almost causing Eddie to collapse, thinking I was in pain. But I just start to cry. I remember everything. An urge to scream explodes inside me. The feeling of freedom welcomes me, scaring away that current I felt inside me. I was back.
“Miss McGonagall. Doctor James Parish. How are you doing?” I blink a few times, suing the doctor at the leg of my bed.
“Good! With a little pain, but fine. I need to notify my doctor in LA.” I shake Eddie's hand, getting his attention. “He was the one taking care of me. He needs to know I've got my memory back.” I almost run over my words.
“He's already aware, Miss McGonagall. We are very happy with your recovery, but you will still need to pass some exams. Just in case. I'll have the nurse come and apply something for your headache.” he gives a gentle smile and leaves the room.
“How are you?” I stare at my friend slightly fearful. “You know who I am?” I suppress the urge to laugh and just nod in confirmation.
“I know, Eddie. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you. I'm fine, just this headache and all this mess. But I'm fine. Happy to be back.” I end up smiling, feeling happiness well up inside me.
The phone ringing interrupts the conversation. Edward gives me a sheepish smile, handing me his phone. My mother's name glowed. I take a deep breath before answering the video call, finding her face in tears and her in despair.
I keep silent for the first few moments as she screeched something about my condition. About the fact that I need to stop working so hard. She also babbled something about going back to New York to take care of me.
“Mom? Mom? Mom?” I call over her crying. “I'm fine. It's OK! In fact, everything's great, because I'm back.”
My mom blinks a few times, visibly confused. Her face lights up and soon the tears return.
“Don't tell me…”
“There is no amnesia.” at that moment, I allow myself to join her, crying too.
“Oh my baby, this is fantastic. Oh Lord, how I wanted to be with you right now. Just let Vincent know that.”
A light goes on in my head.
“Mom, I don't mind you telling Vincent this, but please don't tell anyone else. I want to break the news.” I ask.
I know it would be a matter of seconds until everyone knows and I really want to be the one to tell. I let myself imagine Luke's face when I tell him. On the one hand, the fear that he still doesn't want to know more about me grows. But on the other hand, I'm not going to give up without a fight, I just need to be careful with John.
After the calling with my mother. Calling my dad and ending the conversation with him, reassuring the two of them that they don't have to leave LA to take care of me, I head to the exams. X-ray, MRI, blood test, everything I like.
Doctor James, ask me to spend the afternoon in the hospital for rest and observation so that we don't have any surprises later. I nap a few times, maybe from the medicine or the accumulated sleep of the week, while Eddie reschedules or cancels most of my appointments.
“Remind me to thank your brain for blacking out and finally putting you to rest.” Eddie comments when I wake up. “Ready to go home? he smiled.
“Please.” I sigh in relief.
"Miss McGonagall, how are you?" Doctor James asks again. I watch my exams in his hands, praying everything is okay.
“Fine. What about my exams?” he cracks a smile, noticing my anxiety.
“Everything is alright. Just some of your vitamins that are low, but that gets resolved with healthy eating.”
“Good luck with that.” Eddie grumbles beside me. I kick his shoe, sparring with it, discreetly.
"What about my brain? The amnesia? Is it really over?” I question, anxious.
"Apparently so! With the impact your head had today, the areas that had been affected by the accident changed. This activated the part responsible for the memories, ending the amnesia.” he explains.
"Is that why she passed out?" Eddie questions.
“On the one hand, yes. As has been reported, in the last few days Ms. McGonagall had a lot of headaches and a return of a lot of memories. This could have activated an area of the brain warning that a change was taking place. Adding this to the fact that Ms. not eating properly and not having quality sleep may have caused the fainting.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice my friend's huge smile, as if rubbing my face that he was right about the matter.
"You will still remain at rest and observe your condition. Anything, come back immediately and we'll retake the exams.” he hands over the folder with the results. “You are released, Miss McGonagall.” the man gives a satisfied smile.
“Thank you very much, doctor.”
[...]
“Look, you'll eat well and a lot, because I promised your mother that I would take good care of you, so she wouldn't have to come.” Eddie hands me a plate of soup. I make a face but don't argue. “Aidan called.” he warns me.
“For? Does he already know?” I question fearfully.
I haven't had time to sort it all out in my head yet, so I didn't know what to make of Aidan just yet. Now that I was back, I wanted to try Luke, at least one last time.
“Everyone knows about the faint, but not what it meant. Gossip runs.” my friend grumbles, annoyed. “What you gonna do?”
"I think I'll have to tell the truth. I still have hopes about Luke and me. I love that idiot and I won't let John separate us like this.” I notice the smile on his lips. “What?”
“Nothing! It's just very different from the Marnie of days ago, scared, restrained, wary.”
I analyze your sentence, going back to our conversation days ago. Really I was terrified. I didn't have the notion I have now. The first time, Luke warned me about John, so I wasn't afraid to tell him everything, to ask for help, because I knew John would try to make up my mind.
But this time, no one told me anything. John was unfortunate enough to catch me off guard, fragile and scared of everything yet. That's why I fell like a duckling. But now I've woken up and I'm not going to let him take Luke away from me.
“I'm not letting John win this one. As angry and bloody in my eyes as I am, I still need to be careful. John really screwed up the band if it would increase his power over them. It's not the first time he's tried to break up my relationship with Luke and I'm sure most of this news about Luke is his doing.”
"To attack you?"
"To keep me away. A scared, memoryless Marnie wouldn't face that. For me Luke was moving on and I wouldn't get in the way. But Marnie with memory wouldn't let that happen and John knows.”
“And what are you going to do about it?” he questions, curious. I shrug.
“I have no idea yet. My first step would be to talk to my friends and try to arrange a date between Luke and me.
The image of my favorite australian blonde invades my mind. Suddenly, I feel my body tingle, begging for contact, for his touch. How my lips crave a kiss. I close my eyes for a second, remembering that moment in the bedroom with him, during his birthday. I'm going to kill Calum.
The doorbell rings, waking me up from impure thoughts of my boyfriend. Eddie stares at me suspiciously as he walks to the door. Please don't be Aidan. Please don't be Aidan.
I feel my heart stop when Eddie opens the door and I see that dark-haired, curly figure cross the room in a second to me.
"Could you please stop doing this? I can't take it anymore to think I'm going to lose you.” Leah crushes me in her arms.
My heart starts beating desperately again, processing the scare. Oh my God is Leah. My Leah. My best friend. Even though I shivered, I free my arms from her grip, hugging her back. I can't even be aware of holding back my tears, already wetting her shirt.
Still trapped in her arms, I look at the door, seeing Noah and Kiki in emotion. I reach out an arm, calling them to join our embrace, which they come running into. Awkwardly, I squeeze the three of them, feeling my chest burst with joy and peace.
“I can't believe you guys are here with me.” I whisper shakily, still touching them, wanting to make sure I'm not crazy. “What are you doing here?” I take a step back, trying to take it all in.
"Isn't it obvious? You blacked out in the middle of a shoot and hit your head. Do you really think I wouldn't come to see if everything's alright?” Leah looks at me, unhappy.
"I thought you hated me." the word hardly comes out, for fear of reliving that feeling in them and driving them away from me.
“I will never hate you, you are my best friend.” Leah hugs me again. “Of course I wanted to strangle you and you made me very, very, very angry. But above all that, I still love you.” I close my eyes, hugging Leah, afraid she's going to run away.
“Sorry.” I whisper against her ear. “Sorry about that day. Everything I said. Nothing was true. I just wanted you to hate me and go away and make my side easier.” I say to Leah.
“I know! I know you, McGonagall, more than you think. Do you think you can tell us now what's going on?” I just nod. The time had come.
I sit down, feeling a momentary weariness and also to prepare myself for what is to come. I know it's going to be a long afternoon and I have a lot to tell. I notice Eddie approaching and taking his seat beside me. The trio settles down on the rug, sofa and armchair.
"Remember the day of the Friends of Friends event?" they nod." “I went to the studio, to return Luke's coat and also to see him. On the way out, I bumped into John and he asked me to talk. He pretended he was happy about my recovery and then he started. He told me he was worried about the guys' careers, that they were canceling too many important appointments and it was affecting sales.”
"And what does this have to do with you?" Noah questions, confused.
“John said it was my fault. Remember they had to have made this trip a long time ago? Then the accident came and they called it off so Luke could stay with me. John didn't like it at all. He started talking about how the tabloids were killing over the band, when in fact it was my fault. So he asked me to talk to Luke and convince him to take the trip. He also said that this departure would do good for the band's image. That they would not be related to ‘a retarted’, his words.”
At that moment, Leah gets up from the floor and starts walking around the room, visibly irritated. Noah squeezed his fingers, nearly breaking them, and Kiki sighed in shock.
"So, you break up with Luke and move to New York?" Leah questions.
“No! My intention was to convince Luke and that's it, but at the event he dedicated that song to me, remember?”
“Yes! Best Years.” Kiki responds.
“That's when everything changed. The next day John showed up at my house, angry, saying that I wasn't willing to help and that it would be much more difficult than he thought. That I was making it worse and leaving him with no choices.”
"I can't believe he had the guts to say shit like that." Leah's tone starts to change, as does her breathing.
"He said things were going to be different now. That he would dictate the rules or the band would go down the drain.” my stomach lurches remembering his tone of voice. I feel Eddie's hand on my shoulders, supporting me. “So he gave me the ultimatum, or I left or he sabotaged the band and made the record company give them up.”
The three of them stared at me as if I'd said I was eating bananas with pepper. Noah is the first to get up and walk through space, just like his sister before. Kyleen rubbed her face, showing her stress.
“Oh my God! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew there was something there. And I said! I told you at the hotel. I told you I suspected someone had put worms in your head and you denied it. Marnie, I can't believe you accepted this. Why didn't you tell? We could have helped you. I could have figured it out.” Leah's voice is the first to fill the room.
Down my head, embarrassed. It's all I can feel, shame. I stare at my hands in my lap, just silently listening to everything Leah has to say, which doesn't last long as Kyleen scolds her.
“Enough! That won't solve anything now. It's gone, it's already happened. We need to focus on what we can do, how we can reverse this.” Kiki takes a deep breath approaching me. “Why didn't you tell, M&Ms?” she questions in a more serene tone.
"I was scared. With amnesia I didn't know if I should tell. I didn't have any conversations with Luke about keeping everything out in the open like before. If it weren't for this stupid amnesia, of course I wouldn't have agreed. I would have told Luke, or at least for you, Luke was going to screw everything up.”
"He was." Noah comments softly.
“Tabloids and some stories are games for John. Everyone here knows he's capable of breaking up the band if he wants to. Burn the guys all over Los Angeles and I can't risk them like that, even if it's all a bluff. The last thing I want is to harm them.”
Leah's gaze changes. Anger gives way to compassion and so she moves closer, returning to sit in front of me.
"Is there anything we can do?" she asks her brother and Eddie. “I mean, did you think of something?” she comes back to me.
“Not yet.” sigh. “I want to talk with them. I need to see Luke. Even if he doesn't want me back or give me another chance, I need to warn him and try. At least one time.”
I feel my chest tighten just thinking about the possibility that he doesn't even want to look me in the face. I try to hold to the thought that we've had a lot of fights and that in the end, we always ended up in each other's arms.
“We have to act carefully now. We don't know how far John is willing to actually do this and Mars doesn't want to risk it." Eddie starts. "I think the first thing to do is try to find a date between her and the boys.”
“They'll be here next week.” Noah warns, gaining my full attention. "They're going to stay here for three days."
“I can clear your entry to the hotel.” Eddie reveals.
“But John can be there and see her.” Leah counters. "Isn't it better to book elsewhere?"
“No! If we're going to let them know that Marnie wants to talk to them, maybe Luke doesn't want to go and it's going to be even harder to get rid of John. It's New York, he knows Marnie is here. Must be waiting for her to try something.” Noah explains.
"What if we just take John out of the hotel?" Kiki suggests. “We can set up a meeting with him, far away from the hotel, giving Marnie time to go upstairs and try to talk to them. John's time to get out of there and realize that no one is going to show up and come back should be enough, don't you think?” she turns to me.
"Eddie, do you think you can do this?" I ask, almost suffocated by the hope that it will work.
“Sure. Tomorrow morning I already schedule a meeting with him and guarantee your access to their floor. Does Noah know which hotel is?” Noah nodded.
“There you go. Your plan. Think you're ready to get Luke back?” Leah questions curiously.
“You have no idea.” I force my voice out, feeling my chest explode with joy and anxiety.
[...]
The rest of the night was filled with loud conversations and memories of incredible moments for us. It was good to feel back in my life. Have my friends here. Seeing Eddie sipping a shot of tequila, turning red for the rest of the night, and most of all knowing that starting next week, everything will be back on track.
The clock was already ticking around 4 am and I still couldn't sleep a bit. My head hasn't stopped working since the hospital, and I also like to remember everything, giving more value to each moment I lived.
In the living room, I flip through the photos and videos on my phone, just gathering more strength to talk to Luke next week. I feel my body succumb to anxiety, just thinking that if everything works out, as I hope, by the end of the week we'll be together again.
Just looking at the photo, seeing his hand on my waist, I feel the region tingle, begging for the touch. Intoxicated by the sensation, I let my mind wander further, remembering his kisses, his touches. My heart starts to beat faster, raising my breath.
"Marnie?" I hear Leah's voice.
“Thank God. Me!” I sigh, coming out of the trance.
"I thought you were sleeping. It's everything ok?” she questions, worried.
“Yes! I'm just not sleepy. A lot on the head.” I comment, turning the screen on my phone, showing a photo I took of Luke shaving. Silence returns to occupy the space. "How is he?" I inquire so low that I almost don't hear myself.
Leah lets out a nasal laugh, massaging her forehead. I stare apprehensively at what could come.
“He asked me that same question after I came to talk to you.” she looks at me thoughtfully. “I'm not going to lie, M&Ms, he looked pretty bad. I've known the guy for seven years or more and I've never seen him get this broken.” my heart breaks. “I don't think I've ever seen him love anyone like he loves you.”
Before I know it, the tears start to fall uncontrollably. Leah pulls me into her lap, stroking my hair, whispering that everything would be fine. It's an overwhelming pain that I've been holding back, just trying to move on, but now with the amnesia gone, it's become unbearable.
"I couldn't say. He asked and I couldn't say. I couldn't lie to him.” I let everything go, remembering the day I broke up. “I love him so much, Leah, so much. I was so happy with him in a way that I didn't think was possible. And I'm so scared, so scared. What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he hates me? I've only hurt him these past few months.”
“Ok! Stop it.” she holds my face, drying my tears. “Of course Luke will want you, I know that jerk.” the term robs me of a smile. “Even if it is not right now. That he ask, I don't know, for time to think. But he'll come back to you, because there's no point in a world where Luke and Marnie aren't together. I mean, you guys are the only couple who make me believe in love. Before, I used to hear you telling me that he woke up early to make your tea and I thought ‘what idiot loses a few more minutes of sleep to make tea?’, and now I make sure I wake up before Kiki to make her omelet. Because I love seeing that happy face.”
I open a smile, holding back the tears. The images of him always letting my tea ready with a little note warming my heart.
“Marnie, you… I can't explain you guys. I just honestly didn't think it was possible to see love as pure and intense as yours. The way he looks at you all the damned time, you may have gone to the bathroom for two seconds, but when you come back, it feels like he's seeing the Sistine Chapel ceiling for the first time. Remember when we went there? And we kept talking about how it was possible for someone to have created something so beautiful, so spectacular? That's how Luke looks at you, like you're something rare, something that deserves to be appreciated every minute. It's the way you look at him too.”
“It's the way you look at Kiki.” I accuse, smiling. A silly smile appears on her lips.
“Shut up, I'm talking about you.” we laugh. "It's for this and a billion other reasons that I'm sure everything will be all right and you'll end up together. Also cuz Kiki and I are unable to be the exemplary couple in this group. You know it.” we ended up laughing again.
“How about you?” I question, curious.
"I didn't think it was possible to feel all this. Wanting to do all these stupid things couples do.”
“What kind?”
“I bought a mug that says 'you make me smile' for her to take to work and every time she looks, she remembers me.” Leah confesses, softly.
“Oh my God. Leah Margaret Hastings, waking up early to make omelets and buying mugs with generic phrases? Who are you?” I mock her, who hits me with the pillow.
“As a matter of fact, I just came down to see if I had enough eggs for tomorrow.” I widen my eyes, still shocked. “I know. This is your and Luke's fault. I also keep spreading notes on her stuff, and everything I see something, I want to show her, I want to tell her, I want to see her all the time and it's scary.”
“I know. But it feels so good. Knowing that there is a person who feels the same and wants to see you as much as you want to see her.” Leah agrees. I laugh, remembering the beginning, when Luke and I spent the entire day texting. "Does anyone else besides me know?"
“Noah! He caught us kissing in the dressing room. Kyleen even tried to do like Chandler on Friends, but it didn't do much. He was already suspicious.”
"What are you ladies doing up at this time?" we watched Kyleen walk down the stairs, looking sleepy. Instinctively, I look over at Leah, seeing her eyes sparkle and a smile spread across her face. She was looking at her Sistine Chapel.
“I came for a drink and I found Marnie here.” Leah replies, extending her hand to Kiki, who settles into her arms.
“Are you okay, sweetie?” I nod to Kiki, who breathes a sigh of relief.
“We were talking bad about Noah.” I joke.
"I heard my name. Are you already defaming me?” I laugh, watching my friend walking down the stairs and skipping the steps, wearing a tiger slipper and a silver face mask.
"What planet did you come from?" Leah makes fun.
“Not the same as yours, because I'm much prettier.” He sits down behind me, pulling me into his arms.
Finally, we all ended up there, talking once more, laughing about everything and talking badly about everyone. I don't know what my conversation with Luke holds, but regardless, I'm happy to be with my family.
Luke pov.
I close the bedroom door, kicking my shoes off, watching Marnie already taking off her necklace and earrings. I loosen the scarf around my neck, head to the fridge and grab a small bottle of water. I drop onto the couch, closing my eyes, letting my body relax.
Awards are very tiresome. A whole day to get ready to stay there for only three hours.
“Babe? I hear Marnie's voice and just raise my hand, as if that might be able to answer her. “You've been better at awards.” I open my eyes watching her approach, still wearing that black dress. I want so bad to rip this out of her body.
“Holy shit.” I let go, before I even think about holding back.
Marnie stops midway confused. I feel my body freeze seeing her hair now down, all messed up, reminding me of the way I leave it almost every night. From the wavy ends, I move my eyes to her breasts, which had me hypnotized all night, held so perfectly by that kind of corset. I dry your lips painted such a tempting shade of red. I need to smudge this lipstick.
“You are so beautiful.” I sigh. Still standing, waiting for my answer, Marnie smiles sweetly, stepping back closer.
“Thanks! But you've said it like a thousand times.” she stops in front of me.
"I'll say it more often until we fall asleep." I reveal, noticing the blush that her cheeks take on.
"And apparently it will be soon. Are you tired?” I lift an eyebrow at her body posture. Hands back, body swaying slightly, biting lips.
“What are you up to?” I cross my arms.
“Why do you always think I'm up to something?” now she also crosses her arms, sullen.
“Cuz you always are up to something.” I crack a smile, seeing her roll her eyes.
“I'm just asking.” I hold my breath, watching her spread my legs and kneel between them, resting her hands and head on my stomach.
I throw my head back laughing at my disgrace. I try to keep my mind clear, not thinking her breasts are so close to my cock. I need to keep a minimum of respect for my girlfriend, even though I know she's doing it on purpose.
“What?” your innocent feigned tone only makes it worse.
"Do you swear you want to talk in this position?" I rest my arms on the back of the sofa.
“Is there a problem?” she raises an eyebrow. I take a deep breath, already feeling the blood rush to the other side.
“No! Not at all. Feel free. What did you want to know?” play her game.
"If you're tired."
“Why?” I know why, but I give everything to see how far she goes.
"It's just that I didn't want you to go to sleep right now." I watch her hands roam slowly over my stomach to the top button of my shirt, beginning to unbutton.
“No?” she shakes her head. “Why not, my love?” I find it more and more difficult to keep my mind clear and my breath, watching her bring her face closer to mine.
"Cuz I'm wearing a new lingerie and it would be a fucking waste for me to get all dressed up for you and you to go to sleep without even checking it out first." she whispers against my ear, licking my earlobe next and scratching the back of my neck.
I sigh, already understanding that I lost, and deep down, not caring. Right now I just want to throw her on the bed and sink into her until I can't take it anymore. Marnie pulls away, but not before looking deep into my eyes and smiling that mischievous grin, knowing she's fucking my mind.
Marnie gets up quickly, turning onto her back and pulling all her hair forward.
"Help me open the dress? I can't reach it and it's so heavy.” the tone of voice, as if commenting on the weather, makes me crazier. It doesn't even feel like it was teasing me a second ago.
I stand up, bringing my fingers to the zipper. I grip the piece of metal, bringing my lips closer to her neck. I leave a light kiss there, already noticing her skin crawl and her breathing increase.
"It would have been better if you had let me go to sleep." I whisper against her ear, slowly unzipping it. I breathe through my mouth seeing the dress open to reveal a lacy black fabric covering her entire torso.
I run my hands over her shoulders, causing the dress to fall off with incredible ease, revealing the low-cut bodysuit along with a pair of panties and stockings to the middle of her thighs.
“Fuck!” the curse comes out choked. My heart pounds so desperately, I worry if Marnie is being able to hear.
“It's Dolce.” she comments quietly, turning to me. I lift my eyes to hers, which glow with pure lust.
“I'm sure it is.” I sigh, accepting my sentence of being completely crazy about her. I straighten up, pulling her body slowly into mine, feeling the fabric burn in my hands.
“You liked it?” she whispers, running her nails to the back of my neck. I take a deep breath, feeling my pants tighten more and more and the need to feel her soft hands in that region.
"You're still going to be the death of me, You know that, don't you?” I say, holding her head.
“I say the same about you.” she ends, inching toward my lips.
I squeeze Marnie’s body firmly and carefully when her tongue touches mine. I slide my hand down her spine, stopping at the top of her ass. I keep it standing there, just to tease her and increase her anxiety for my touch.
I bring my other hand up to the back of her neck, gripping Marnie’s hair tightly. I move my mouth down to your neck, enjoying her warm skin. With my lips still wet from her kiss, I suck the spot just below her ear, leaving the area reddened. I move my hand lower, filling with her body, squeezing her ass and pulling her closer to me, making her feel how hard I already was.
The sigh that comes out of her mouth sounds like music to my ears. As soon as she leaves, I feel the immediate need to hear another one. I turn my attention to her lips, swollen and parted, for air. I bite her bottom lip, mending it in another kiss. My girlfriend's desperate hands climb up my torso, taking off the blazer I still wore.
Gasping for breath, I pull away for two seconds, throwing the piece as far away as possible, taking advantage of it and getting rid of the shirt, craving madly for the contact of our bodies. I move closer to Marnie, running my hands down the back of her thigh, pulling her easily onto my lap. I smile, hearing the gasp of surprise that she lets out.
I sink my head against Marnie’s chest, enjoying what I have wanted all night. I carefully lay her down on the bed, still keeping your legs wrapped around me. I lick an area of her neck, sucking on it and then biting lightly. I press my hips against hers, sinking my fingers into her thigh. Again I steal a sly sigh, and again I am desperate for more.
I repeat the movement against her hip, not only teasing her, but also relieving myself. I don't know how long I can stand all this foreplay. I move my hand up her thigh, again feeling the fabric across her belly, and stop momentarily at her breast, squeezing it, now letting out a moan. I move up a little further, running my thumb over the two reddish points.
I meet her eyes filled with desire and lust, just like mine. Ever since that night in Hawaii, I knew, Marnie would be my ruin. I couldn't get her out of my mind so soon. She was like a drug, and at first time I was already addicted.
I let out a heavy, drawn out sigh, watching Marnie close her eyes as she closes her lips around my fingers. I fantasize the image of them wrapped around my member, eager.
I slip my hand inside her panties, finding her so ready. I sigh watching her eyes roll back at my touch. That relaxed smile. The sighs and moans she can't control.
I slow my movements, watching Marnie take her hands to my belt and zipper. My heart races and my stomach churns as her hand scrapes across my stomach ready to enter my underwear.
The sound of the alarm clock brutally brings me back to reality. Once my mind is working and I understand everything that has happened, I feel upset and frustrated. Since I was dreaming about that day, couldn't I let it end?
I feel the discomfort and realize that I am hard. I rub my tired face. This is the third time I've woken up like this since I heard about her passing out.
“Now do you work?” I complain, remembering the day before yesterday, when he failed at me.
Once again, I try to make it go away without having to appeal to my hands. But again, the technique doesn't work.
“I don't know why I even try.” I get out of bed, heading for a shower, where again I get relief from the images of her stuck in my mind.
I change for training, enjoying the empty room. It has also been three days since I haven't been able to sleep with anyone. On the one hand, it feels good not to have to run away from someone I can't even remember the name of. But I feel angry knowing that she has come back to live in my thoughts.
I walk out into the hallway, finding Ash, Calum, and Ana, one of Cal's affairs, talking. I approach slowly, not paying much attention to the topic, but watch out when I hear her name. I don't identify the conversation, just Ashton saying that Marnie was fine.
Even without wanting to, my body reacts to the information and deep down, I am relieved that she is okay. They realize my presence and cut the conversation off. Without wanting to chat, I walk past them, saying a low good morning, and head to the gym for my workout.
I find Frank in the gym, stretching, and within seconds I can focus my mind on this and the schedule for the next few days.
I follow the commands, but with my mind somewhere else. It is almost automatic to follow the sequence, as it is almost automatic to think about it again.
With each punch, I bring a new memory, a new feeling, and eventually, a stronger punch. I let the anger that has been building inside me spill out of my fists.
She left me. She found someone else. She doesn't need me anymore. She doesn't care about me anymore. She doesn't love me anymore. She doesn't love me anymore. She. Doesn't. love. Me. Anymore.
“Hey! Easy, fighter.” Frank walks away, stopping the boxing. “Do you wanna kill me by any chance?” he jokes, bringing me back to reality.
“Sorry. I got a little distracted.” I move into position, reaching for his hand again.
“Is it that thing with your girlfriend?” I hit him harder, when the word ‘girlfriend’ reaches my ears.
“She's not my girlfriend anymore.” I grumble, the anger in my voice showing. “And no! I'm over it.”
“All right. But nobody gets over two years of a relationship in two weeks.” he lowers his arms, stopping the workout. I leave the pose, panting, staring at him, wondering where he's going with this.
“I do!”
“Going out all night to get drunk and ending up with a different girl in your bed is not getting over. It's cheating yourself.” Frank raises his arms, letting me punch him again.
“Let me guess. Did the guys ask you to do this?” I hit him harder, more annoyed.
“No! I'm telling you this because I'm your friend and I want you to be well. You don't want Marnie anymore? Ok! But you're not going to get over it by living this life, and neither will finding someone who cares about you. And you know that, Luke.”
I decide to not answer any more, tired of this topic. After training, I go back to my room, meeting Sophie in the hallway. I give her a polite smile, but don't bring up any subjects, because I know I am unbearable these days and I understand why everyone has distanced themselves a bit.
“Luke? Can I talk to you?” I stop, staring at the girl. “Mike and I are going to an arcade nearby, don't you want to come with us?” she asks, excited.
I like Sophie, she's fun and even though she knows I'm a pain in the ass, she tries to include me in everything. On top of all this, she makes Michael happy, and I couldn't ask for anything better.
“Thanks, Sophie, but I don't think anyone wants me there.”
“I do! And I'm sure Michael does too. Luke, you need to have fun. In healthy fun.” she adds quickly. I feel my cheeks heat up with embarrassment, knowing what she was talking about. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to…”
“It's all right! Deep down you're right.”
“So you're going?” she smiles excitedly.
“No, Sophie, I'll let it pass this time. But still, thank you for the invitation.”
“Ok. Take care, right?” she extends her hand and we do our secret hand touch.
“I will. Take care of Mike.” I ask, watching her from a distance.
I imagine that if Marnie were here, the four of us would surely go out. We would form teams and compete in all the games. I shake the thought away, remembering that Marnie is not here and I doubt she would ever come back, after all, she has already moved on with that asshole Aidan.
I walk into the bathroom, going straight to the sink, feeling my cold body. What am I doing? I close my eyes, focusing on my breathing. I need to calm down. It's all right. It's no big deal, Marnie. I wet my hands, splashing some water on the back of my neck. It's all right. It's all right. It's all…
“Are you okay?” I jump in fright, hearing a sweet voice beside me.
I stare at the blonde girl in the dark green dress, looking at me worriedly. Then I realize that I am in a bathroom and it's not empty. Why would be? The restaurant is crowded.
"You're a little pale, do you want to sit down?" she points to the round sofa on the other side of the bathroom.
“Would be good!” I accept her hand, and sit down on the smooth surface. My God, how weak my legs are. “I’m sorry! It's no big deal, just my first date after a while and I don't know why I'm like this.” I cover my face in embarrassment.
“That’s ok! First dates are really scary, and if it's after a long time with someone, they seem to get worse.” she sits beside me, patting my hand in her lap.
I don't know who she is. We've only met in 5 minutes, but she's definitely calming me down. I return the affectionate smile she offers me.
"Is he at least a nice guy?" I go over the question and pull it all the way through the past three weeks.
Aidan is a nice guy. At least it is so far. It was kind of him to meet me in person at the studio before we started shooting his father's perfume commercial. Very determined to get my number and a date with me.
"Come on? You need to feed between shoots. Could I accompany you at one of these times?”
“Yeah. He's a nice guy. Very kind and dearing. At least it is.”
“That's a good sign. Look, no one expects to find the love of their life on their first date. Often we just win friends or disappointments, or even a short romance. But you don't need to have high expectations over a simple dinner.”
I suppress the urge to smile happily, seeing a bit of Ashton in her. Those would be words he would say to me if he were here.
I really shouldn't have high expectations for this dinner. Aidan knows everything that happened. Amnesia, the end of a two-year relationship, my sudden move to New York. He shouldn't be expecting much from me, maybe just a chance to get to know me.
“You’re right. I'm creating a storm in a little glass of water.”
“And who has never done that?! If it helps, at the moment I'm running away from my boyfriend, cause he was going to propose to me and I don't know if I'm ready.” we ended up laughing at our situation.
“Looks like the bathroom is a good excuse.”
I stare at the door, seeing the dark-eyed brunette behind it, waiting for me at the table. I thank my confidant, letting her work up the courage for her engagement, and head back to my date, finding Aidan making a paper flower for the child at the next table.
“Oops! We got caught.” he says before handing the flower to the girl and turning his attention to me.
"I think I lost my date.” I say to the little girl who was playing with the flower.
“Not in a million years.” he smiled. “Are you okay? Edward was very clear about how your blood pressure went down today. We can leave if you want.” he holds my hand across the table.
I roll my eyes at the mention of Eddie. I will strangle him. Yes, my blood pressure had a lot of downs those last weeks, but it wasn't a big deal. It's been a hot week in New York and I'm not a big fan of the heat, that's all. It has nothing to do with eating or being tired as he's been freaking out.
“Eddie is too worried. I just went to touch up my makeup. I'm perfectly fine for our night.” I give him a cheerful smile, which he returns.
“He thinks you're working too hard and taking too little care of you.” the brunette comments before taking a sip of the wine in his glass.
“Yeah, it's not been a quiet week, I've taken a lot of work, but I do fine.” I offer another slight smile.
Aidan worked really hard to get out with me and I would feel bad about running away from him right now, even though I have a very convincing excuse. Not to mention that I need to give my life a chance, since someone has already done this in Seattle and is still doing it for the rest of the world.
I push the australian out of my head, giving my full attention to the handsome New Yorker in front of me. Even if he doesn't have those blue eyes and that smile. No! No! No! I'm not going to think about Luke tonight. This is past. We no longer have anything in common. Nothing at all.
“So, since you're okay, I was thinking about your appointments tomorrow morning. You have some?” he leans on the table next to me.
“No! None. Why?” I'm starting to mentally hope he doesn't suggest we go to his place.
“I have a friend and he's having a party on a yacht right now. I wonder if you would like to go? It's not hamptons, but it's going to be fun. What do you say?”
I had already gotten used to the story of me having a lot of money. Being known, working for big brands that before I never dreamed of buying and now they dominate my entire closet. But still, I wasn't rich like Aidan. I didn't have his elegance. Know about wines, spend weekends in Hampton or any other country in Europe. Having a dozen cars that I don't even know how it works, among other things. So I don't know if I fit in with his friends, who must talk about jockey, polo, the new vintage of some expensive wine and things I don't understand.
But I also can't refuse before trying, maybe it's fun. Maybe his friends aren't all that. I'm just drawing quick conclusions from his insta profile.
“I would love to!” I give it a chance, watching him open a wide smile and kiss my hand.
"So can we go?" I nod with my head. He quickly raises his hand, asking for the check.
After Aidan paid for dinner, we headed for the front door, where his sport jaguar was already waiting for us; just like the paps. I lower my head, careful not to misstep and injure myself as I take Aidan's arm.
Even with the crowd around us, he doesn't fail to open the door for me and help me inside. As soon as he was in, we set off towards pier 17, where his friends were waiting for us.
“I was really unused to all this attention.” he comments amused, getting my attention.
“What? Do you think it was because of me?” I question scared. Would it be?
"Well, you are the moment, aren't you?" I understand the reference to the Vogue cover I was on.
“Apparently.” I open a weak smile, still unsure if this is all for me.
I widen my eyes as we pull up to the pier and see the three-decker yacht sitting there. How does it not sink? Aidan rushes to open the door for me and offers his hand to get me out of the car.
As the gentleman that he is, he guides me to the boat, helping me when necessary. We followed the huge yacht until we found his friends on the second deck, or fourth, as Aidan is said to be two more floors down. How???
I feel bad knowing my thoughts were correct, as I was introduced and greeted everyone, I heard the background talk about how don't make caviar the way it used to. It's going to be a long night.
[...]
Silence. Pure and complete silence. The total absence of sound; at least from our voices, making the car's powerful engine the only thing that filled that space.
I slept with one of the richest guys in America and I don't know what to say. Honestly, I can't even remember much. Just from Eddie's call summoning me to show up at the apartment.
The jaguar stops in front of my building and the car space seems to get smaller. Oh Lord, couldn't life be a video game where you have the option to reset and start over? That's actually what I tried to do by coming to New York, but I'm not sure it's working very well.
“Well, delivered safe and sound.” Aidan smiles kindly, forcing me to smile at him too. “I hope you had fun and I'm sorry if I crossed a line yesterday, I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to disrespect you”. Of course he'll apologize, he's a gentleman.
“No! It was all amazing. Thanks, I really needed to get away for a bit.”
"Then I hope our date is repeated, but for lunch." the brunette looks at me expectantly and I just smile in acceptance. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was a perfect relationship.
“I'll go check my schedule with Eddie and call you.” I come to his side, giving him a kiss before getting out of the car.
“Wait!” I freeze, watching him leave and walk around, opening my door. I appreciate the kindness, giving it another peck before getting into the building.
I lean my head against the cold wall of the elevator. I need an aspirin. My bed and an aspirin. I take my key from my purse, opening the door and being welcomed by the warmth and perfume of my house.
I kick my heels to the side of the door and crawl to the fridge, grabbing the milk bottle and turning it over. I hear footsteps and believe Eddie is waiting for me. I lean against the sink watching him arrive in the kitchen and look at me startled.
“I know I'm wrecked and that I spent the night out and probably made a big fucking shit, but I'm here like you asked. What can I do for you?” I sit down on the kitchen island, watching his wide eyes.
“First things first, you're going to take a good shower and change into comfortable clothes. Then, you'll eat decently and I'm not talking about an unnecessary sip from a milk bottle. And last but not least, you'll thank me later. Go young lady, bath.” he slaps me on the back, throwing me out of the chair.
At another time I would debate, even because I love doing this with him. It's funny and cute to see Edward straighten his glasses as his perfect diction counters all my stubbornness. But right now, I just want a shower and my pajamas.
After following the first order on his list, I head back to the kitchen, finding a decent breakfast, as Eddie would say, placed on the kitchen island.
“So? What's it all about? And why should I thank you?” I question, taking a handful from the fruit salad.
"You're not just going to eat this, are you?" I cross my arms under his disapproving gaze. Okay, it's getting boring. "Fruits don't hold. Have a piece of cake and a glass of milk, but like a decent person.” he adds quickly before I have a chance to mention the sip of milk I took when I arrived. “Do you want some waffles or pancakes?”
“Oh my God, sometimes you do look like my mother.” I say sulkily, putting the fruit salad aside and reaching for a piece of cake. “So? What happened?”
"It's too early for you to thank me." he checks his watch. "How was your night?” I sigh. "Was that bad?" I deny it. "So, it was very good?" I make a face. “Okay, I really need you to give me more details.” I sigh again.
“It was good, but not all of that. Aidan is a nice guy and very kind. Treated me good all night and everything, but…” my voice trails off.
“But? He wasn’t Luke?” Eddie questions suggestively. I shrug, not knowing if it was just that.
"I don't think I should try to close one hole by opening another. It's not fair to anyone.”
“Why you say that?”
“I slept with Aidan last night. And I only did it because I had been drinking too much, we both had been drinking too much, and because I was thinking about Luke.” I drop my head in my hands, before looking at Eddie almost screaming for help.
“You know my opinion on this.”
I close my eyes, not wanting to go into exactly that subject. Yeah, since Aidan made it clear he was interested in me, I told Eddie why I was in New York and all he said was "you should tell the truth to Luke".
“And you know mine. I will not risk a threat from John. I won't let him screw up the guys' careers, they don't deserve it.” I rebate.
"And do you deserve to go through this? Get away from the guy you like? Sacrifice your happiness for a threat, or worse, a bluff?”
“You yourself told me that the industry is dangerous, that you've heard of far worse cases just for fame and money. I already told you, I won't risk it. At least not yet. They're releasing the album this week and if all goes well maybe I'll call Ash and tell the truth. I don’t know.”
It's notable that Eddie wants to say something more on about it, but in the end, he keeps it quiet and I'm grateful for that. I push the food down my throat again, thinking about Luke even more.
I look at the blank screen of my phone, just wondering if today I would have another headline of him. My stomach turns and I push the plate away, satisfied, not caring that Eddie is glaring at me.
“Then? Are you going out with Aidan again? Or are we going to close this chapter?” he questions curiously, pushing me the fruit salad again. "At least that." he asks, pointing to the bowl.
"The way you treat me, it looks like I'm on a hunger strike."
"I know it's not a hunger strike, but cause of your schedule you haven't been eating and sleeping properly."
"Is that why you got me this day off?"
“Not only for that, but you'll find out soon enough. About Aidan?
"You know I don't like these surprises, right?" Eddie ignores me. "I don't know. I agreed to have lunch with him. I need to take a chance, nobody falls in love overnight.”
Before Eddie can respond, the doorbell rings. I look at him confused as he gets up quickly, reaching for his watch. Who would be so early in the morning? I ask my friend but he is too busy at the moment.
“You stay here.” he positions me in front of the door, but a few steps back.
"You didn't buy me a dog, did you?" I question suspiciously. I don't even have time to take care of myself, imagine a puppy.
“No! But I would suggest that you stick with it there, cause what I've done will come running in.” he smiles, positioning himself in the doorway. I swallow hard, afraid of what's behind the wood. “Surprise!” he opens the door.
He didn't lie, my surprise kicked in like a hurricane, coming straight at me, but the last thing I needed was to be scared.
“Mom?” I squeeze her in my arms, wanting to confirm that it was her there. “Oh my God, Eddie!” I cry tearfully as I still hold my mother.
I don't know how long we stood there, crying in each other's laps, but I can tell that since I arrived in NY, I've never felt so safe and welcomed. Over her shoulder I notice the presence of a man with a beard and gray hair, smiling with emotion.
"Mr. Marshall?" finally, I let go of my mother, going to say hello. “Hi! Did you come too?” I don't even bother to hide my smile.
“Oh, Vincent has a convention here in New York and he invited me to join him and I thought, why not? Right?” I subtly widen my eyes when I see my mother stand beside him and holding his arm.
Oh! My! God!
“Of course! And as a bonus you can visit me.” I open an excited smile. "You're staying here, aren't you? I have guest rooms, you don't need to spend on a hotel or anything.
They look at each other but nod, making me happier. Eventually, I discover that Eddie was very much behind this. Since my mom had called to ask for references, he'd already fixed everything. I couldn't ask for a better friend.
As my mom and Mr. Marshall get settled in, I pull Edward into a hug.
“You were right. I was going to thank you.” I mumble, still hugging him.
“I'm always right, Mars.”
“Don't ruin the moment.” I push him away, seeing him laugh.
“You really enjoy your mother today, because I only rescheduled today's appointments. Tomorrow you still have Bazaar’s shoot and the day after tomorrow Elle's. Are you sure you don't want me to un-”
“No! I want to work!” I interrupt him. Eddie huffs and rolls his eyes. “Don't make that face, I'm sure no one makes that face to the Hadid sisters.”
"Because even they aren't working like you. You need to step on the brakes a little bit.” he counters.
“I'm stepping on today.”
Before I can continue, I hear footsteps on the stairs and fall silent. I don't want this conversation to get to my mom, because I know she'll agree with Eddie. I hug her, glaring at Edward, who glares back at me angrily.
"Well, I'll let you enjoy this moment and I'll call you later on tomorrow's schedule. It was a pleasure.” he kisses my mom's hand and leaves.
“Are you going to work tomorrow?” my mom question, upset. I nod my head before hugging her again. "Don't you think you're working too hard, young lady?" didn't I say?! Just the same. “You seem to be thinner, are you feeding?”
My mom starts looking at my face and forcing me to take a little walk. When did I get back to my 15th?! Within seconds, my mom and Mr. Marshall are in the kitchen making pancakes, muffins, and donuts. If my stylist finds me eating all this…
It was a lovely five days. I didn't know I needed my mom here so much, until I had her. It was great to get home after a stressful day and find her in the living room, reading, ready to take me in her lap, just like old days.
It was also cute to see her and Vincent’s relationship grow. They are dating, however much she denies it to death. He brings her flowers every day, makes her breakfast and showers her with praise. There's no denying it. And it's good to see her happy.
"Hm, Marnie, can I have a word with you?" I see Vincent, as he insists I call him, at my bedroom door, awkwardly. They were going out to dinner today.
“Of course." I put my book aside.
“So, I know you've probably noticed that Debra and I are building a relationship.” I'm sure I want to respond with sarcasm, but this wasn't time. “And I 've known her long enough to know that I'm in love and also have the notion that we don't have fifty more years to waste time, so I was wondering if you would give me the blessing of asking for your mother's hand in marriage today?”
Vincent looks at me fearful and hopeful at the same time. I don't know what to say, the words seem to disappear from my head. I don't know how to express the happiness of hearing those words, so I just hug him, letting some tears fall.
“Of course! Of course! Of course!” I repeat over and over, hearing his laugh.
I hold my emotion with all possible and impossible forces so as not to spoil their moment. But as soon as the two leave the house, I start jumping around celebrating. My mother is getting married. My mother is getting married. My mother is getting married.
For a second, my mind blocks the current situation. I run to my phone, searching the group to tell my friends about the wedding, but as soon as I don't find it, I snap back to reality.
I make no effort to stay awake waiting for them to come back, because I know they won't come back tonight, but I'm still glad to know that my mom is getting a chance to be happy.
[...]
Chanel Fashion Show.
I try to concentrate on the music playing in my ears, even though the noise from backstage is deafening. It's my first runway show after the accident and I'm not sure I'm going to be fine.
I go over in my mind all the great top models that have ever walked on stage and I figure out how to make them equal. I rehearsed all week, wherever I went, I did the catwalk. It shouldn't be that hard, it's just the Chanel show.
I lose my focus when I recognize Leah's image, reflected in the mirror. Even with two people on top of me, doing my hair and makeup, I turn in my chair, looking directly at her, who is talking to someone on staff.
I feel my chest tighten in agony and a desperate urge to run into her arms. I mentally call to her, praying she'll look at me, but the moment she does, her gaze strays quickly, and she walks to the other side of the space. I ignore the slap in my face and go back to trying to concentrate.
In line, I wait for the staff guy to give me the signal and walk through the white veil, getting into the runway. I'm scared to see all those people and those flashes in my direction. I follow what was rehearsed last week and do my job.
As I turn around, I spot Noah and Kiki sitting in the front row, arm in arm, facing me. Noah was wearing sunglasses, but something tells me he was looking serious, just like that day. Kiki already looked at me completely upset. I ignore their attention, heading backstage.
Maybe I should talk to them. Try to break the ice. The twins might be more proud, but Kyleen seems to be up for a conversation I can try with her.
When the show is over, and some friends and family come backstage to greet the models, I see my trio from afar, laughing and having fun. I abort my mission, feeling intimidated and afraid they'll see me come and go, like I'm nothing. They have every right, after all, I was a bitch to them, but I won't deny that it still hurts.
After giving my interviews, taking pictures, and greeting a few people, I sit at my mirror, putting away my stuff, waiting for Eddie to finish talking on the phone so we can leave. I check my phone seeing several messages from my mom and dad, congratulating me on runway.
"Marnie?" I turn, startled, seeing the exact copy of Leah, only a few years older, looking at me.
"Mrs. Hastings?" I get up, confused.
“Please call me Jasmine. How are you my sweetheart?” she smiles sympathetically. I open my mouth a few times but nothing comes out.
“Going, I think.”
“I know that you and the girls had a fight and that apparently you broke up with Luke. Honey, I just want you to know that if you need anything, any help, just call us. I know you and Lee aren't talking, but you're still part of this family and it won't be the last time you fight.”
“Thanks! I don't even know what to say. I even thought about trying to talk to her, but I don't think today is the day.” I cast my gaze to the trio, seeing them watching us. Quick detour with shame.
“It really isn't. Honestly, Marnie, they know you're not doing all this because you just want to. But they can't afford not to be hurt by some of your actions.” I blink quickly to ward off tears. “Just promise that if you need help, you'll call us. OK?” I just nod.
Jasmine pulls me into a warm hug, like a mother's lap. I let myself abuse that affection for a long time, before she says goodbye.
"Jasmine?" she returns. "They know I'm sorry, don't they?" my throat constricts, feeling the urge to cry.
“They do. Although they are waiting to hear this from you.” and so she goes.
This time, the trio isn't paying attention to us, they're concentrating on something on Kiki's phone. I think a lot about what Jasmine said, about them waiting for my signal, even though today wasn't the day to make things right.
The album debuted a week ago and it's been a success, maybe it was time for me to start getting closer, at least to the trio, and then I get to the boys and finally Luke. Even though the chances of him not wanting to look me in the face are huge, I need him to at least know who John is.
Luke pov.
I feel gentle kisses spread across my face. My skin crawls with every new touch she makes to my spine. I didn't even wake up right and my heart is already racing like that. I believe there is no better way to wake up.
“If it's before 9am, I'll want to know why you're out of bed and waking me up.” I growl, bringing my hand to Marnie’s thigh, stroking. I feel her lips break into a smile as her mouth touches the back of my neck.
“Cuz today is a special day.” she whispers, taking my shivers to another level.
“You woke me up before 9 am.” I note, turning beneath her and holding her in my arms.
“Good Morning!” I gasp, seeing her eyes sparkle and that smile, biting the tip of tongue.
“Good Morning!” I say before pulling her in for a kiss, but then everything changes and she's not in bed with me anymore.
The living room of her apartment becomes the new scenario and for her expression we are fighting. Not again. I walk after her, who is screaming how tired she is from all this. I think about saying that everything will be fine, but my mouth makes another sound.
"Of course you're going to blame me, aren't you, Marnie? Now your hooking up with Glenn doesn't imply all that? That's your problem, you only think about yourself. Everything revolves around you and if not, you manipulate until everything is in your favor.” I barely recognize my voice, it's so angry it comes out.
Inside, I fight with myself. What am I doing? It's not to fight with her.
“Me?” she laughs indignantly. “You need to look in the mirror, Luke. Who took Pamela to the party knowing I can't stand her? You knew I was going to be pissed. You knew and yet you were with her. You kept pulling her onto your lap, kissing her neck. And you knew what I was seeing.” she comes towards me pushing me, but I don't move an inch.
“Honestly, I don't know why we're discussing this, you're not even my girlfriend.” Marnie stops panting and that fire in her eyes dies. I know I hit, the way she has already hit me.
“You are right. There's no reason we're wasting time on this. You don't even mean anything to me.” she bumps into my shoulder, running to her room.
I think about going after her, but my legs don't move and once again the scene changes. We are in my room.
"Why can't you admit you feel something? That wants this as much as I do?” I question breathlessly. Again the feeling of losing it between my fingers fills me.
“Because I don't feel it. I don't know where you got this idea that I'm in love with you.”
“Cuz you are! It's in your face, in your attitudes. And yeah, shit, I’m in with you, honestly, I wish I didn't because you don't care what other people feel, Marnie.”
Silence hangs in the room. I realize I've hit her and I control myself not to cross the room and kiss her. I can't give up, at least not yet.
“There is no point in trying to discuss this now. You are hungover and I haven't slept all night. I'll give you a week.”
“What?” she looks at me as if I've confessed to a crime.
“You have a week to decide. Either we give both of us a chance, or it's over.”
"Are you giving me an ultimatum?" your chest starts to rise and fall rapidly. "I don't need a week. It's over, Luke! I always said I was right that it wasn't our destiny to be together.” she picks up her clothes the night before, walking out of my room.
I wake up with a heaviness in my chest, an anguish. I don't like these dreams. I don't like to remember our fights. I rub my face, awakening better but feeling the hungover weigh down. Slowly, I push the girl's arm off my stomach, freeing myself from the touch.
Who should she be? I stare into her freckled face, having no idea when we cross paths. I take advantage of her heavy sleep and head to the bathroom, taking a shower to start the day off right.
Dressed, I leave the room, finding Calum and Michael talking in the hallway with John. I approach quietly, catching up on the conversation about the day's agenda. As soon as he finishes giving the coordinates, Letterman turns to me.
"Do I need to clean up any messes today?" I just shrug, watching him sigh and head to my room.
“You need to stop this.” Michael nudges my shoulder.
“Why? I am single.” I see them both snort.
"And just because of that, you're going to get laid with half the country? Don't you think how she must be seeing all this?” Calum asks.
“I do not care. After all, she didn't mind kicking me. I'll wait for you downstairs.” I close the subject before they continue to pester me.
I head into the hotel lobby, sitting in one of the thousands of sofas, looking for any magazine that might distract me. I freeze when your face appears in the middle of those covers. She was in Vogue.
“She's the moment.”
Not having much control over my movements, I grab the magazine, opening it and looking at the various pictures of her. My heart races recognizing that face I've loved for months. My stomach turns with every page I turn, enjoying every smile, every pose, every look.
I run my eyes through the interview, telling about the accident, the amnesia, and the two of us. The magazine questions our breakup and the fact that we're still hanging out together, and now her move to New York and my clubbing outings always accompanied.
“The truth is, we never got back together. We just remained friends and I think deep down we were afraid to move forward in each other's presence.”
I close the magazine, tossing it on the table, outraged at the response. I remember that night after Ashton's birthday on the beach. All those kisses, those smiles and we were afraid to move on in each other's presence? Oh, spare me, McGonagall.
"I really don't think there's any need for him to know that. He's already made it clear that he doesn't want to know anymore. And he can't do anything from here.” I notice John's hurried voice approaching.
I see Ashton coming purposefully, ignoring any words Letterman might be willing to say. His posture and worried expression are strange.
“I don’t give a fuck. He will be informed." Ashton decides.
“What’s wrong?” I question confused by their disagreement.
“Marnie went to a shoot this morning.” I roll my eyes as soon as he starts talking.
“I really didn't want to hear about that.”
“She passed out and hit her head. She's on her way to the hospital.” he interrupts me breathlessly.
I turn my mind back to the day of the accident and, without warning, that feeling of losing her engulfs me. The image of her falling in the middle of those huge spotlights crushes my heart. I watch John looking at us impatiently, wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible, while Ashton looks at me hopeful, perhaps wishing I would drop everything and go see her, and I even feel the urge to do so. But Marnie was no longer my responsibility.
“John is right. There is nothing I can do.” I answer my friend, who is just one step of flying on my neck. John, on the other hand, gives me a reassuring smile, pulling me away from Ash.
We get into the car in silence and I realize that everyone already knew about the malaise. I open my phone and just to clear my conscience, I throw her name in the search tab. There were no headlines about what had happened, but there were several about another of her dates with Aidan Stewart.
I roll my eyes at the new couple of the moment, revalidating my decision, she was no longer my responsibility.
I know that you might be angry with me, but I promise that soon everything will be better between them. It will be worth it!
I stop to snap my fingers, when the white BMW parks in the garage door. Leah climbs out of the car, giving me a half smile. Slowly, she approaches, sitting beside me, laying her head on my shoulder.
I keep my eyes down, focused on my hands as I feel Leah’s eyes sweep my face, waiting for any sign. I quickly stare down the street, wondering if it was a good idea to have come, if I just didn't want to torture myself more. Ashton says I have this habit.
“How is she?” I ask so low that I almost don't hear myself.
I know she heard me, as she sighs right away, however, the delay in giving me an answer bothers me. I study her thoughtful expression, facing the street.
It's been two days since Leah got back from NY and I didn't have the courage to question anything before. She even tried to see me, but I just kept myself locked in my room, just allowing Michael to come closer.
I'm still trying to manage the range of feelings that flutter within me. The sadness by her left me just like that. The love that, despite everything, I still feel. And the anger for still feeling all that, for her going without caring about anything and apparently being fine in NY.
“She's being her.” her voice breaks the silence. "She's still lying, but she doesn't give her arm to twist and she's in an attack position. She's really determined to drive us all away.” I notice her voice dying at the end, as if she doesn't want to confirm the situation.
I shake my head no, rubbing my face hard.
“Why? Why is she doing this?” my voice rises, showing anger.
“I don’t know. I have my theories, but I don't know. It's so different this time, she didn't say anything to anyone. Nor with the parents.” silence settles between us again. "Do you have any plans?" the use of the word makes me laugh sadly, because first and foremost I had a single, simple plan, to make Marnie fall in love with me.
I was going to remake all our dates. Take her to our favorite places. I had planned a week in Rome, where she traveled when everything started to go wrong. I wanted to help her remember everything, make her come back to me, and in the end, I lost her.
"Accept that it's over?!" I open my hands, implying that I have them tied. “I wonder if deep down, she wasn't right all along.”
“What? That bullshit you guys weren't born to be together?” I confirm. “Oh Luke! C’mon!” Leah stands up, angry. "Honestly, is that what you're going to believe after all? You love that idiot and she loves you, your fool. What do you most need to understand? My God! I know you for what? Around seven years? And in all this time I've never seen you so in love, so committed, and so happy with someone. And look, I liked Vicky. Yes! Yes, things are weird and messy, but deep down we know it won't be like this forever.”.
“We know?” I question leaving her speechless. She returns to sit beside me.
"I hope so. Look, something's up and we can't count on Marnie's willingness to tell us. So we'll have to think. What I believe is we should give her time and space she's asking for. You'll be traveling tomorrow and you'll have more than a month to focus your mind on work, just like her. When you get back, if nothing has changed, we'll go over to her and try to talk.”
I shake my head no. Leah tenses beside me, realizing my intent.
“Luke…”
“I can't take another blow. Not from her.” I take the ring out of my pocket, admiring it once more.
"Calum told me you were going to propose to her." the tearful whisper fills my ears. “When were you going to do this?”
“On the day of the accident.” I answer in a whisper. Hastings drops her head against my arm, sharing the pain. “If she doesn't come after me, it's over, Leah. Maybe Marnie is the love of my life, but not the love for my life.” I say, running my thumb across the blue stone.
It hurts think that I'll never have her in my arms again. At first I thought about it so much, about not getting attached, not falling in love, not sinking in my head, cause she could leave at any moment. But she was staying and staying and becoming everything. I lost the fear of surrendering, because the more I gave in, the more she gave me the confidence and love to give in. So I sank into that love and I don't regret it. However, I don't know if knowing what would happen, if I would do it again.
"I can't imagine you without her." I curse myself mentally as a tear escapes. Leah dries carefully without judgment. "It's cold out here, how about going in and eating something?" I roll my eyes, wanting to get up, but she grabs my arm, keeping me sitting. “Luke! Michael told you that you're not eating well and that's not right. Hunger strike doesn't solve anything. A sandwich. Please?”
I stare at her, annoyed. I don't want all this care on me. I am over 20 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Leah joins her hands, whispering several please.
“I make that parma ham sandwich with arugula and buffalo mozzarella. Come on, I know you like this sandwich.” I sigh against your requests.
“Only if you brown the bread in butter.” I look suspiciously at her who opens a huge smile confirming. Leah stands up and pulls me over, I wrap her in a hug, not saying anything, but she knows it's in thanks.
A week later…
The exorbitant amount of alcohol in my body makes my head weigh tons as my light mind travels miles from that club. The lights and intense sound put me in a bubble with my thoughts, as I can't hear anything but the beat or focus on anything more than a foot from my face.
I close my eyes allowing myself to fall into the abyss of fantasies my mind creates. I hug Hood who is standing beside me singing the lyrics to the song I didn't even know at the top of his lungs.
I leave him alone, going to the bathroom that was there. I stare at my reflection in the mirror, closing my eyes, trying to focus the image. I drank a lot. I need to stop for a while. Eat something, I don't know. I tuck the back of my neck under the sink, feeling the icy water lapping against my warm skin.
Seattle is the second city we are visiting on our publicity tour. Work is really distracting me from situation I'm in. Interviews and more interviews. Same questions, same games, same people, but it all helps me not to think about her.
Her.
Marnie.
Marnie. I should call her. Yeah. Maybe she's waiting for my call. Who knows all that wasn't a test to see if I really love her? Yep. I will call and tell her how much I love her, how much I want her back. Tell her how it hurts me seeing her leavin. I need to tell her about the proposal. She'll come back. I am sure.
I lean against the sink when I feel the bathroom spin. I press the phone to my ear. Pick up, Marnie. After a few minutes I hear someone answer.
"M&Ms?" hope explodes in my chest. She answered me.
"Hello?" I feel the ground swallow me up as my head processes the male voice on the other side.
I must have called it wrong, it's not possible. I check her name on the screen. Anger erupted in my heart and I'm ready to yell at whoever that guy was, but her voice comes first, shutting me up.
"My keys. I don't know where my keys are. Where are my keys?” she screams the last part, hysterical. I rub my forehead trying to decipher the confusion of feelings and sensations going on in my body.
“My God, it's not possible.” he whispers. "I already told you it's in the bedroom." he screams.
"Stop yelling at me." she counters.
"You started it. I'm trying to get on the phone here." he closes. "Sorry, who is it?"
I hang up, controlling myself not to throw the phone on the floor. She's with another one. Already? We broke up last week. I rub my face hard, just feeling the anger feed inside me. Was she already with him? Did she already know him?
My mind attacks me with images of her kissing any guy but me. My chest starts to burn and I am completely blinded by anger and jealousy. If she can move on so easily, so can I.
I leave the bathroom, returning to our space, finding Calum still jumping to the music. Ash sits, chatting with one girl, and I focus my attention on the one dancing alone further away from Cal. She has hit on me since we arrived and I just ignored her.
I reach from behind, hugging her waist and putting my mouth to her ear. She seems to realize it's me as she brings her hand directly to the back of my neck, scratching.
"How about we get out of here and go to my hotel? It more comfortable and quiet there.” I squeeze her waist. The girl I can't even remember the name turns around accepting my invitation.
I come down from the second floor with her behind me, without saying goodbye to the guys. I get into the car, not registering in my head if there were paparazzi at the door. I stop caring when her mouth touches my neck and her hand starts moving up my thigh.
Marnie pops into my mind as the weight of making a wrong decision begins to take the place of anger. I remember the way she always ran her fingers up my thigh to my crotch, keeping that innocent face, like she wasn't planning on freaking me out in front of everyone.
No! I mentally scream at her picture in my head. You caused this. I grab the back of the girl's head pulling her to me, crush her lips with mine, touching her tongue.
You gotta be kidding me, Luke. What the fuck?
I squint my eyes tighter, wanting to shut Marnie’s voice out of my head.
I really can't believe you're doing this. What's your damn problem? Huh?
Annoyed, I keep trying to focus my attention on the girl who is about to climb into my lap. My chest tightens as her voice fades from my mind, as the girl squeezes my crotch.
[...]
“Here's the money for a taxi and another one so you don't tell anything about what happened here, right? Now go.” I process John's tired voice in the distance. “Come on, wake up!” I shift on the bed, feeling the slap on my foot.
Slowly, I settle into bed, feeling the whole room spin and my head explode with pain at the light.
"Want to explain to me what that was?" I look at John by the bed, arms open, looking around the room. I follow his gaze, finding pillows and sheets on the floor. Drink bottles and bath towels along with clothes scattered throughout the room.
I scratch my eyes, struggling to get my head on straight. I can't remember anything after we got to the hotel. We went into the room and started drinking. I know I pulled the girl into the shower and nothing else. Did I get laid? I lift the sheets slightly, noticing that I'm naked. Yeah, I got laid.
"Luke?" I look back at John, lost.
“I had a party yesterday, nothing special.” I shrug.
"Nothing special? It's everywhere. Luke, I thought this trip was to distract you until you and Marnie got back. What you think she'll feel about all this?” he looks at me indignantly.
So reality hits me hard. I remember the reason for all this, Marnie was with someone else. Effortlessly, the burden on my conscience starts to become heavier than the hangover.
"She won't mind. She's already with another one.” I say grudgingly.
“What? What do you mean?” John approaches quickly.
“I called her and a guy answered.” I hug the pillow thrown beside me.
“Did you call her?” I nod, watching the seam of the fabric. "And did you ever speak to her?" I deny, sighing. “Sorry, man!” he squeezes my shoulder. "If there's anything I can do? Do you want me to try to get in touch with her? Or reschedule New York? I can try to arrange a meeting between you.” I shake my head.
I grab a pair of underwear on the bedpost, get dressed and head to the bathroom, splashing water on my face.
“It is not necessary. It’s over! May she live her life and I will live mine. But thanks for caring. I know you didn't like her very much.”
“No need to thank. I know we had our differences, but I know how special she is to you and I wouldn't want anything to come between the two of you.”
“Was!” he looks at me blankly. I feel almost breathless saying this. “She was special to me. Now she's just my ex.” John nodded sheepish.
“OK! Well, if you need anything, just let me know. Now take a shower and go down to eat, the schedule is full today.” he pats me on the back and goes out leaving me alone.
I lie down on the bed, staring at the white ceiling, waiting for him to give me answers about everything. I hunt for my phone, unlocking the screen and heading to the gallery. I play a random video, watching my disgruntled face as a fire alarm seeped through the room. Marnie’s cheerful face comes into focus, laughing beside me.
“Only because we wanted to sleep late.” her voice fills the room. Again I focus the camera on my face, shaking my head no but letting out a laugh at the end at the laugh she gives.
I sigh, tossing the phone on the bed, wishing I had never laid eyes on her that night.
Marnie pov.
The day after fight with Bethany, I asked Edward to change my hotel. I wasn't going to be able to stand there knowing she was so close. Eddie didn't make any judgments, just switching hotels for three days until my apartment was finished.
After the episode of my first day in NY, I swore that I would no longer let myself be shaken and martyred for the decision I made. Crying and getting drunk all night isn't going to solve anything, I'll still have to face my choice, so I'll try to be happy in the meantime.
And for the first time I was happy in New York. The photo shoots were amazing, the interviews I was giving were totally focused on my career, no Luke, no amnesia. Next week I am supposed to get the cast off my arm. I was on Jimmy Fallon's show yesterday. And if all is still going well, I would be the cover of the next Vogue. Everything was starting to fall into place. So, last night, I watched the news before bed, finding him in the arms of someone else.
Looks like someone caught me and turned me upside down. The knife that had been stuck in my chest since talking to Noah, turns every time I see a photo or video of him leaving the club with her. I knew this was a risk.
Why are you suffering? He didn't betray you. You kicked him first. He has every right to do what he wants. My conscience screams. I just didn't think it would be with someone else and it would be so fast. After all, Leah said he was suffering.
I wake up from my thoughts when my alarm starts buzzing in my lap. I take my eyes to the window seeing the day coming on. My God, I spent the night awake. I massage my face, noticing that I haven't taken off my makeup, or my clothes, or the hair extensions.
I think I need take a shower and get ready. I have a photo shoot in Central Park and I don't know if I can use a pair of sunglasses to hide the dark circles under my eyes. I force my mind to get me out of bed, but I don't move, continuing to stare at the sheets.
I don't know how many minutes I sleep there with my eyes open, but I know it's been a lot, as I see Edward enter my room, worried. I look at him lost, not knowing what to say or do.
“Sorry I had to use my key, you wouldn't answer the door.” I just keep quiet, it doesn't matter. “What happened, Mars?”
I wrinkle my forehead, still getting used to the new nickname. I blink a few times, putting my head to work. I lower my head, silent, unlocking my phone. I click on his picture and hand it to Eddie, who sighs in pity.
“I am really sorry! I can’t deny I hope that you still haven't seen it.”
"It wouldn't change anything." my throat is so dry.
“You at least would have had a good night's sleep. Wanna talk about it?”
Eddie is not an idiot, he knows I'm running away from LA, my friends and Luke. But he doesn't know why. I still didn't have the courage to tell and I didn't feel like talking about it, just taking it.
I shake my head negatively, taking a deep breath, it wouldn't change anything, he would continue with her. Did she sleep with him? Did she get a chance to see him waking up? Did he wake her up the way he woke me up? With kisses all over the spine?
“Stop thinking about it.” he asks, upset.
“I can’t!” I lean my head against the headboard.
"Want me to cancel the photo shoot and tell you're not okay? So you take the day off for yourself?” I deny it again.
"I'm going to take a shower and we're going." I get out of bed urgently, startling Eddie.
As much as I didn't feel like getting out of bed and moving around, I'm aware that standing here will only make me go back to square one. At work I get distracted and have a few laughs.
After my shower and a quick breakfast, we headed to Central Park meeting the entire Vanity Fair team. I walk into the tent, heading straight for the chair, getting ready for my makeup and hair. I catch a few intent glances at me, but no one opens their mouths, pretending nothing was happening. As I expected, the conversation distracts me, I put Luke aside, focusing on the gossip about Jill's terrible date.
In the photo shoot, I focus on the poses and orientations of Yuri, the photographer, keeping my mind full of other things. By lunchtime, I eat a salad under the glare of Eddie, who was almost yelling that I should eat something better, that sustains me.
When the clock struck 3pm I was free and without another appointment for the rest of the day, which became a problem. Me alone and without commitments = thinking about Luke.
"Do you have any commitments now?" I question Eddie as we walk out of Central Park.
“I have to accompany another model on a test for a runaway show.” he replies, checking his phone.
"I can't believe you've been cheating on me like this." I play.
“Why?” he asks, after smiling.
“ It's just that I have nothing to do.” I shrug, waiting for the car to arrive.
“You should take a rest. Sleep a little.” Eddie looks at me intently. I roll my eyes.
“I don't wanna sleep. And if I go home, I'll be thinking about it.” I take a deep breath, not wanting to piss myself off again.
“You know, New York is a huge city and has a million places to see. I don't know if it's really your style, but I really enjoy visiting museums, especially history.” he wipes his glasses and adjusts them on his face.
“I like museums.” I open a smile, excited.
I remember the time I applied to University of Pennsylvania and imagined what it would be like to come to NY almost every weekend, see museums, exhibits, Broadway shows and everything in between.
Well, now this is my home and I need to get to know the city better and my future favorite places. I'm sorry that Eddie can't keep up with me this time, but we've got a life ahead of us to do these shows together, I don't need to rush.
I say goodbye to him and head to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Met. I take my cap out of my bag, wanting some privacy to walk. I observe art lovers, students from school, college and courses, taking notes, drawing works. I imagine myself among those students doing some work the teacher ordered and maybe irritated that my weekend was in the way.
I enter another room, looking at more paintings and a couple standing in front of one, trying to guess what message the artist was trying to say. In the back of my mind, his voice comes up.
““I think they'll find us here.” Luke whispers, agitated, as he pulls for another room.
“Don't worry. Nobody expects to find us here.” I let out a laugh, reassuring him.
"Are you saying I'm not capable of appreciating art?" Hemmings pulls me in front of him, hugging me.
“No! I'm saying that no one imagines that famous people like us appreciate art and culture. They think we're too ignorant for that.” he doesn't answer me, just enjoying the painting.
"What should this be?" he whispers, confused. I look at the screen again. "If you had painted this, what would you have meant?"
“Sadness. They are cool colors and if you look at the shadow, it gives a feeling of melancholy. Maybe panic at the way the dark colors look.” I digress.
“My God, I love hearing you talk about art.” Hemmo comments, making me smile.”"
Oh my God! I did it! Who knew, huh?
Finally I posted a new chapter. And to prove how cool I am, later I'm going to post another one.
I come into the restaurant, choosing the most reserved table and away from the windows. The ambiance is beautiful and very cozy, M&Ms will love it. I take some pictures to send to her, but stop, seeing she's recording an audio. I wait for the message to arrive before going into another subject, but the notification goes away and no message enters. Probably got distracted.
I wonder if it was to let me know she was coming and just the thought turns my stomach. I feel my hands sweat and go cold. I ask for water in order to calm down.
There's no need for me to be nervous, it's just Marnie. Just Marnie. A laugh escapes. It's never just Marnie. It’s Marnie! The most amazing girl I have ever met. The girl who arrived unintentionally and stole all my attention, not counting my heart.
I pick up the little blue box, seeing the small ring inside. I run my hands through my hair feeling nervousness consume me. What’s wrong? It's just a question. I've asked this question before and she said yes. Even though she just told me to shut up and let her sleep, but she said yes.
“" I'll get back from the kitchen with a bottle of water, finding Marnie face down, hugging the pillow, already eyes closed, snoring. I crawl under the covers, watching her serene face, probably already dreaming.
Carefully, I run my finger over her cheek, brushing her hair back. I drop a kiss on her shoulder, watching her skin crawl from the caress. It should be a crime for someone to be that beautiful.
Again, the thought that has been haunting me for the past few days settles into my mind. It was a very important decision and one that would change our lives. I also know that we've only known each other for a short time, which can be crazy, but the certainty in my chest doesn't make me afraid.
I go back to staring at her face once more, falling in love with every detail again.
An anxiety and urgency to have her awake surrounds me. I need to ask her. I need her to know what's growing inside of me. If not now, I don't know when I'll have the courage.
“Hey.” I whisper, kissing her shoulder again. "Honey?" I hug your body, entwining our legs.
“What?” she mumbles, eyes closed and I'm sure she's still dozing.
"I need to ask you something." I start stroking her cheek, down her spine.
“Your cell phone must have been in the kitchen. Get down there.” she mumbles automatically. I open a smile, finding it funny.
“It's not about where my cell phone is.”
“If it's about that black shirt, I put it on for washing today.” she interrupts me, causing me to smile again. My heart seems to want to come out of my mouth.
“It's not about the shirt. Listening.” I ask, before she tries to guess again. I take a deep breath, taking courage. “Marry me?”
After the question leaves, I hold my breath, feeling my body collapse into silence. Did I really ask that? Where am I thinking? Regret begins to consume me and I prepare to undo the moment when Marnie opens her eyes, staring at me.
For the first time, I can't decipher her expression. She is quiet and calm. It has no beak or eyes wide or a wrinkled forehead. I dive into the immensity of those green eyes, seeing in them flashes of everything we live.
Like a movie, the first time our eyes met, the first 'hi', the first kiss, it all comes back to my mind, making me sure of what I wanted. Is it over there. I just want her, for the rest of my life. Seeing her face every morning, smelling her perfume when I get home, knowing she'll be there to hold my hand and support me.
Knowing that when I come up with pranks with one of the boys, she'll be the first to agree. Which will be her voice I'll hear in the middle of the night, questioning why orange is called orange and why lemon isn't called green.
That it's going to be in your lap that I'll lie down when things aren't going well, and especially that it's going to be your face that I'm going to see on my way to the altar.
The silence becomes disturbing and I want to scream at her for any reaction. Marnie closes her eyes again, returning to her sleeping/awake state.
“You just went down to get some water and now you want to marry me. What was in that water?” she whispers laughing. She didn't take it seriously.
“I'm going away in a few days and I want to go with an answer.” her eyes open again. I put more of our bodies, as if it were possible. I rub the tip of my nose against hers. “Marry me. I promise we will be happy.”
“Marriage is serious business, Luke.” she answers in a sleepy voice. I notice how her breathing is raging and take it to be a good sign. She knows I'm serious.
“I know. And I'm serious.” Marnie looks at me thoughtfully again.
"If I say yes, will you promise to shut up and let me sleep?" I open a huge smile, along with yours. She is not saying yes to this.
“Promise.”
Her eyes roll back and she bites her lip, still smiling.
“Yes!” my chest seems to fill with happiness. I want to run around the house screaming, but her small body is on top of mine, hugging me. "Now shut up and let me sleep." she orders amused.
M&Ms don't go back to sleep, at least not fast, since your fingers are tangling with mine for a few minutes and I feel your lashes moving against my skin.
“Hey.” I hear her low voice, catching my attention. I look at her face looking at me serenely. “I love you.”
I can't explain what a wonderful feeling it is to hear it from her lips. All the promises we made at dawns come to life in my mind, giving me more certainty of the request. Even more so now, knowing she was willing to marry me.
“I love you.” Marnie gives me a beautiful smile before giving me the last kiss of that night, snuggling back into my chest.””
There's no reason for me to be nervous. I'm just going to make it official. Maybe there is a risk of her backing up and saying no, but I want to believe she's going to say yes. I reconsider taking her to Hawaii because that's where it all started, it would be perfect. But it would take a long time to arrange everything the way I would like and I can't wait any longer.
I check my watch, noticing the delay. I text Noah, asking if the photo shoot was going to take a while, but the response “M&Ms left about 30 minutes ago” sends an odd shiver through me.
She had nowhere else to go.
I dial her number, hearing it go straight to voicemail. I call again and get into the voicemail one more time. I take a deep breath for a second, noticing how my nervousness was affecting me. She'll be here soon.
I take one last look at the white gold ring with an oval sapphire in the center, hoping she likes it and, most of all, accepts.
I notice a man in a suit and tie approaching unsurely. I frown, confused by the approach.
“Excuse me, Mr. Hemmings. Geoffrey Samuels. I'm the manager.” I squeeze his hand, still suspicious. “I'm sorry if I'm being indiscreet right now, but I need to talk to you.”
“Did something happen?”
I stand up, trying not to draw too much attention.
“Unfortunately yes, sir. I don't even know how to deliver such news.” he clears his throat nervously. My stomach flips over in anxiety.
From the words, I know it's not going to be good. My head is already thinking about a lot of tragedies. My family, but I was getting a message in the family group right now, discussing Sunday lunch.
My mind races to the boys, but the information would come through the phone, not a manager. It has to be something I still can't know. Then my mind races to the only person alone at the moment who would have no way of warning me.
I lean against the table, feeling my blood pressure drop. Not Marnie. Not Marnie. I beg desperately.
“Mr Hemmings, I'm sorry to inform you that perhaps on the way here Miss McGonagall got involved in a car accident.”
My legs fail and the manager holds me down, helping me to sit up. My head projects the scene of her car being crashed. The air doesn't seem to reach my lungs.
"Where is she?" I join an unknown force, pulling me to my feet and grabbing my car keys.
“Mr Hemmings, you’re in no condition to drive.” he pushes my shoulders to sit up, but I hold my ground.
"Where is my fiancé?" I end up screaming, getting everyone's attention.
“The name of the hospital has not been revealed, but it's very likely St. Thomas, it's the closest.”
I don't wait for him to say any more and run out of the restaurant. I get into the car with my hands shaking and as soon as I start, my phone starts ringing and I see Ashton's name.
I put it on speaker and leave it on the panel.
“Luke…”
“I already know. I'm going to St. Thomas.”
"Luke, where are you? You are in no condition to drive.” he asks desperately. I hear him tell someone I was already driving.
“Luke, pull that car over and tell me where you are, that I'm coming to get you.” Michael's voice fills the car.
“I won't pull over and wait. I'm going to St. Thomas and that’s it. Meet you there.” I turn off my phone, forcing myself to focus on the road.
I arrive at the hospital, going straight to reception and from the girl's face, I'm sure Marnie is here.
“Marnie Elizabeth Hem… McGonagall. Marnie Elizabeth McGonagall. Is she here?”
"She's in attendance on the fifth floor..."
I walk away, not waiting for my visitor's sticker. I go up to the fifth floor, finding another reception. An older woman steps out from behind the counter, stopping in front of me.
“Marnie Eli…”
“She's in attendance, you'll have to wait here.” she guides me to the chairs. I get scared when I see my legs and my hands shaking, when I drop my keys. “She's stable and will be fine. Here.” she hands me a glass of water.
I take it out of politeness, but water doesn't do anything to me. I'm still nervous. I'm still anxious and thinking about losing Marnie. I close my eyes tightly, wanting to hold back the tears.
"Luke?" I'm startled to see Mrs. Williams coming out of the elevator, along with Dominique. "Luke." I hug her, letting her burst into tears.
“Any news?” Dominique asks.
“She's in attendance. Stable.” my voice barely comes out.
“I am really sorry dear.” Dominique laments. I end up letting some tears fall when I feel her hand on my back, stroking. I control myself, wanting to support her mother.
I take Debra to a seat and start walking in circles, waiting for some news. My hand itches to pick up the phone and see the headlines, but I don't know if I'm brave enough to see a video or photo of the accident.
"Hemmo?" I turn to hear Michael's voice, meeting everyone there. All red-eyed and wet-faced. Then the pain that enveloped my heart becomes unbearable, the thought of losing her sinks into my mind and I collapse.
Clifford is the first to hug me and so everyone is around me, hugging me. I lack air due to the amount of sobs and the anguish that overwhelmed me. I never thought it was possible to feel so much pain.
July 20, 2020. 3 pm.
“You need to eat, Luke. Even if it's just a bite.” Michael asks, standing at the foot of my bed.
As for the last 24 hours, I ignore his request, focusing my attention on Petunia, who'd been planted next to me since I crawled into bed. Looking into her droopy eyes as she lays her head on my stomach, I wonder if she's also asking me to feed. I just don't feel hungry.
After Marnie broke up with me, I just texted John, letting him know he could schedule his damn trip, and sank down on the bed. It wasn't long before the boys were calling me, wanting to know why John was booking the trip and what changed my mind.
Since the accident, the four of us had agreed to cancel the publicity trip we were going to take in a week to be with her. John was irate but heeded the order, even though he talked about the trip every single day. And if the four of us agree not to travel, of course they would want to know why I alone made the decision to go.
I didn't give details, just said that Marnie broke up and from that, Michael thought he should take the place of trying to take care of me, not leaving for a minute.
I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to hear anyone, I just wanted to pretend that nothing happened until the day of the trip arrived and I immersed myself in my work.
" I'll leave the sandwich here. When you want, you eat. Anything calls me, please.” Clifford leaves the room, leaving the door open as before.
I reach for the dresser beside me, grabbing the box and taking out the wedding ring. Since the accident, I had it in my pocket, I don't know if I thought that magically Marnie would wake up and I would just have to kneel down, but it never happened. Unlike the necklace she placed in my hands, I didn't have the heart to throw this one out the window.
I imagine how beautiful it should look in her hand and how beautiful it she would look as a bride. I remember the photo shoot she did for Vogue in Brides Month and it was there that I realized how much I love her and wanted to marry her.
““I walk into the studio, paralyzed to find M&Ms in the center of the spotlight wearing a white dress, like a princess.
The hair is only tied at the top, leaving the bottom loose in perfect waves. Light makeup made her eyes sparkle. My heart melts when I hear her laugh at Kyleen, who has touched up something in her.
Then she goes back to the poses, holding the veil, kissing the bouquet. Marnie twirls her dress, making her skirt rise.
“Seeing the dress before the wedding is bad luck.” I'm startled by Kiki's voice beside me. I blink a few times lost and my voice doesn't come out. “ Oh my God.” Jones comments staring at me.
“What?” I clear my throat nervously.
"Look at you, drooling over her." she smiles, melted. “You guys make me have diabetes.” she lays her head on my shoulder, causing me to laugh.
M&Ms notices my presence, dropping the rehearsal anyway and running towards me. My heart leaps along with the chill that settles in my stomach. I want to marry her.
“Hi.” I hug her body, realizing how I've been aching for that touch. “I missed you.” she whispers before pressing her lips to mine.
"Excuse me, I'm going to take my insulin dose." Jones comments, walking away. “I hope God finds someone to look at me the way these two look at each other.” I crack a smile seeing Marnie laugh at her friend's comment.
“You look so damn beautiful.” I comment, gaining her attention.
“You think?” she takes a little walk. “Basic look for Tuesday afternoon.” she jokes. "I thought the look was going to scare you." her arms go back to hug me.
“Honestly, you put some ideas in my head. I imagined you in that dress somewhere else, with other people and other music.” attentive to her flushed cheeks and a nervous smile that spread across her mouth. “I almost forgot.” I walk away, kneeling down. Marnie widens her eyes. "I need to tie my shoes."
“Asshole” she pushes me away with her foot. I laugh hugging her body before she goes back to work.
“What? Did you think I was going to propose to you?” she refuses to look into my eyes, trying not to smile. “ I'll ask you to marry me, but not here.” I whisper with my lips glued to her ear.
I drop a kiss below her ear, watching her skin crawl. I give her waist a light squeeze, squeezing her tighter against my body. I meet her eyes with a different gleam. I know my revelation took her by surprise and honestly, it even took me by surprise. I didn't realize how much I wanted to marry her until just now.
"You don't want to marry me." she counters, suspicious
“Of course I want to. You won't get rid of me so easily, McGonagall.” I put my lips to hers before I hear the photographer call. We both moan, not wanting to pull away.
“See you later?” she asks. I nod, giving her the last kiss before she leaves.
I stay a few more seconds, watching her get ready before returning to poses. I open a smile, seeing her lips utter an “I love you” without a sound. I repay, silly for her."”
I sink the pillow in my face, wanting to disappear. Even when my exs kicked me I was so bad, why does it have to be different with her? Why does it have to hurt so much?
“In the end you are the only girl I can trust.” I tell Piggy, who barks. “Don't make me change my mind.” I comment, pulling her closer, holding her.
Marnie pov.
I almost don't recognize her by her red hair. However, the face is the same, she hasn't changed a thing. Bethany looks more surprised than I am, looking at me with wide eyes and slightly open mouth.
“What are you doing here?” It was a stupid question, after all she was in uniform, she works here.
“McGonagall.” A fake laugh escapes her. "I should have guessed." she comes in with the tray and bucket of champagne, placing it on the table. “What do you think, NieNie?” I work here.
As with Stephen, the nickname causes me nostalgia. I go back to the days of high school where she was always asking for help with homeworks. Where the nickname was used to soften my heart.
The words from my diary spring in my mind, along with my imagination, making me idealize how the scene must have been.
“Stephen said you were in Canada.” I comment still processing the fact that she is there in front of me.
“Oh yeah! I told him this so he wouldn't come after me. Can you sign?” she hands me the note, hurriedly, not looking me in the face.
A dormant feeling inside me starts to awaken. Anger and indignation at knowing that she never came to speak to me after the incident bubbles up in my blood.
“I thought you was going to stay with him after all.” I comment feeling the poison trickle from my mouth.
"You were the one with my leftovers, not me with yours." Thany looks at me mockingly.
Running through my veins with alcohol, the feelings urge me more to tease her there. In the back of my mind, I hear Leah's voice telling me to let it go and let her go. However, the little devil in my ear motivates me and he is the one I prefer to listen to.
"And even with your leftovers in the past, I think I'm much better off, don't you?" we stared at each other for a few minutes, just letting the sparks roll. “You know, in the end it was good to meet you, I think we have unfinished business. And I'm in the mood to set things right.” Thany rolls her eyes.
"Do you really want to relive this subject? You know you only have that courage for apparently being drunk, don't you?” she folds her arms, feigning weariness.
“I know and I'm happy because when I'm drunk, words flow better.” I let out a laugh, pretending I was amused by her comment. “It reminds me of that barbecue at Chaz, where I got drunk for the first time and said I didn't like Stephen to his face.” I laugh. "I said I only went out with him because you pissed me off. See? Drunk I speak the truth. So let's be honest, Thany.” I use the nickname. “Why?”
Deep down, I realize how the betrayal hurt me more from her than from Stephen. I guess I never wanted to accept that my best friend had done this to me. Even though I know that the two of us often feel strange for being so different, however, I still don't want to believe that she had the courage.
"Three years and you still haven't gotten over it." she snorts. “When you want to return the note, just call reception.” her body moves toward the door, but I grip her arm tightly, stopping her.
"I said we're going to talk." I look into her eyes, feeling mine burn with hatred. "Then we're going to talk. If you want me to make it clearer, I'm paying for this hotel which includes your services, so I command and you obey.” Bethany gulps, standing still. I open a loving smile. “Very well. Now I'm going to ask once more. Why, Bethany?”
But she doesn't respond. For the first time, I notice she's not in a position of attack, mocking or anything like that. It must be because she has never seen me like this. She's used to a silly, silent Marnie.
Yes, it has always been like that, Bethany said and I obeyed. I put her on a pedestal and that went a long way towards what our friendship turned out to be. And years later she still thinks that's how it is. That I'm afraid of losing her friendship and that I'll just accept everything. However, Bethany is no longer my friend, maybe she never was, so what do I have to lose here? Nothing!
"Want some help thinking about the answer?" I question, picking up a bottle of champagne and eating a french fry. “ I'll help you! You know how I like to help people.” I mock myself. “So come on, why, Bethany, did you hook up with your best friend's boyfriend, who considered you like a sister? Huh? Why did you throw me so hard on him if you apparently wanted him too? Is it because you're a bitch?” At that moment, I pop the champagne, laughing at the timing of the word with the pop.
I throw the theories on the table, trying to guess what she was going to say, why she was going to say it, even if it was the last thing I did.
I take a sip of champagne, feeling the bubbles burn my throat. The silence bothers me, making me angrier. I hold back the urge to scream and make this all worse than it already is. My heart constricts when I think that if Luke were here, he wouldn't let me go through this. But he's not. So I need to handle this myself.
“I remember back in high school when you hooked up everyone. I didn't even care, it was your life. I even defended you from nasty nicknames, I told you that, didn't I?” she's still standing. “They told me that you would cheat on me. That you would get Stephen and I defended you. Still, you hooked up with my boyfriend and then I start to wonder, weren't those people at school right? Aren't you a bitch that no one can trust?”
I clutch the tabletop, controlling my already gasping breathing. Bethany clenches her jaw, furious, I see in her eyes the urge to burn me alive.
" I'm not going to stand here listening to you insult me." she says stiffly, trying again to head for the door. This time I put myself completely in front of her. Once again she freezes.
“You're right!” I nudge her shoulder. “I shouldn’t be insulting you. How I shouldn't have this weight on my chest. How I shouldn't have suspected so many people, thinking they would betray me like you and Stephen.” I hear my voice rise, as I feel my eyes water. “Like I shouldn't have my best friend cheat on me and have to wait three fucking years to bump into her and get an explanation.”
“Funny, did you demand explanations like that from Stephen, or am I just the wrong one?” she folds her arms.
“I charged Stephen, more than I'm charging you, don't worry. My story with him is over. But you, Bethany, you disappeared, you didn't even say 'I'm sorry', even if it was a lie. You didn't have compassion for me, after all the years I stood by you, when no one wanted to be your friend, because no one trusted you.”
At that moment, Bethany lowers her head. It's horrible to feel that even not remembering, my body collapses holding all these feelings. At that point, I begin to mix the pain of betrayal with the pain of seeing that my friendship was nothing to her.
“You were the person I trusted most in the world. You were like a sister. There wasn't a thing about me you didn't know. I would put my hand on fire for you, Bethany. And you know that, you know how important you were to me and yet…” I swallow the lump forming in my throat. “Yet you betrayed me. Countless times, as you said yourself. Now imagine what it was like for me to see you two there. My boyfriend and my best friend.”
I go back into the room, not bothering to bar her way out. Bethany won't leave anymore, she'll want to finish this. Things may have turned out badly, but I still know her well enough.
“Do you know what is funny? I always knew Stephen would cheat on me at some point. I had a feeling our relationship would come to this. But I never imagined it would be with you. That you would give in to that. Now, you know what's even funnier?” Bethany turns to me neutrally. I open a sad smile. “I'm sure if you had talked to me later, I would have forgiven you and believed whatever shit you said.” I wipe away the two falling tears. "I would have forgiven you. You could be living all this with me.”
I take another sip of the drink, wanting the alcohol to take away the sadness, I wanted to be angry to deal with it. I look up at the ceiling, blinking a few times, not allowing any more tears to fall.
“You don't understand how you fucked me up. My first relationship. My first boyfriend. And then he cheated on me with my best friend. Months later I met an amazing guy and I can't stand to see him around my friend. Just wondering if he would do the same. If she considered me too much not to do this to me. Because you keep feeding this fear in my head.” the feeling takes me by surprise. I know I had this problem at first, but feeling what it must have been like is different.
I sit down on the couch, feeling my legs go cold a little. I stare at the photo of Luke on the coffee table, feeling an almost uncontrollable urge to call him and hear his voice. Now, it would be the only thing that would calm me down.
“Stephen came on me first and I didn't want to.” her voice fills the room slowly, catching my attention, even though I don't look at her. “So I insisted that you get out with him and after you guys started dating, he seemed interesting and I wanted him. I just didn't think he still wanted me and it rolled over.”
I take another sip, wanting to lower the urge to vomit at her explanations.
“We hooked up at Drake's birthday, it was the first time. We dropped you off at home and he gave me a ride. I thought it would only be that one time and I felt really bad for doing this to you.” my laugh interrupts her.
“Of course you felt it.” I mock. I get up, circling through space.
“I really did, Marnie.” she screams, getting my attention. “But then I realized that you didn't value Stephen. And that maybe you didn't even like him, so the guilt lessened. He was going to break up with you, but you found out before.”
I shake my heavy head in confirmation. I let out a nasal laugh, making her look at me confused. I close my eyes, trying to hear the voice of all my friends, in my mind, begging me to stop. But the fire burns inside me, silencing the voice of reason.
"Would he? Was he going to break up with me? To be with you?” I point to her, smiling. "Is it, Bethany?" I see a doubt in her eyes. "Do you know what I was going to give Stephen that day?" she doesn't answer. “ I'll tell you.” I cross the room approaching her. “I joined my savings and bought a PlayStation, do you know why? Because two days ago he had given me an engagement ring and a trip to Mexico, just the two of us, and I wanted to try and repay the value of the gift. The happiness I had, I wanted him to have it too. But that's not the focus. The focus is on the ring and we both know which ring I'm talking about.” I open a smile, seeing her face close.
Stephen's grandmother had given him a ring as soon as we announced the relationship to his family. She said he was supposed to give it to his future wife and I know she liked me, she always let this very clear. Since my parents thought he was a bad influence, his family thought I was a great influence.
I had mentioned this ring several times to Bethany. I remember the times she would make comments to Stephen, asking if I really deserved to win that ring, since it had such serious value. By that time, they must have been hooking up and he must have been promising her countless things, including the ring, which in the end ended up in my hand.
“Sorry Bethany, I'm being unfair here. I don't want to compete for Stephen, after all, whoever cheats once, always cheats. I actually should thank you guys, shouldn't I?” I open my arms excitedly. “It was your betrayal that changed my life. Look at this.” I turn, showing the room. “That's why I met Luke, met my friends, and that's why I didn't fall into the trap of having a sad life with Stephen. Thanks.” I move closer, hugging her, who doesn't reciprocate. “Thank you, Thany. Thank you for being such a trashy friend and for three years later having the decency to stare at me. Your note.” I put the note in her hand, turning and walking into the room, slamming the door.
I sit on the bed, listening to Bethany leave. I take another sip of champagne, letting myself sink deeper into my well. One more bottle and I'll be making friends with Samara, if not getting shorter than her.
I think again of what Luke would do if he were here. He wouldn't let me argue with a hot head. He would try to distract me. He would hug me and that's the only way I would feel safe.
I look at my cell phone, feeling my fingertips tingle to dial his number and hear his voice. He would answer and maybe he would say my name, or maybe he would call me babe.
But if he hates me, he would refuse the call. Luke hates me, he doesn't care anymore if I need him. I give up on the idea, turning to champagne once more. Instead of calling, I'm content with some of his audios saved in our conversations before the accident.
“Hi love. I'm here at the market picking the tomatoes, you want the tomato… is that the name of the tomato? That it? Better Boy Tomato? Or Roma? My God who invented these names? Oh! And another question, how do I know the tomato is good?”
Why does the right decision hurt so much?
I know it took me a while again, but I've been so busy and I'm not managing to have time to translate all at once. Sorry for the delay again and since we will have a long holiday here in Brazil in a few days, I will try to take the time to translate more chapters.
I remember the first time I really wanted to see New York. I must have been about 12 years old and was watching a random episode of Friends that was on TV. I saw those flashes of the city between one scene and another, and I thought it was amazing, the great stone jungle.
When I turned 16, my dad gifted me with a trip to New York, not because it was my favorite place in the world, but because it was on sale. There were 10 days where the only time I stopped to rest was bedtime. We went to almost every tourist spot, took thousands of photos and it was definitely one of the best trips I've ever been on.
Now, the city that I once wanted to know and live in, like the characters in Friends, felt like a prison. I wasn't there of my own free will or for a truly irrefutable proposal. I was there out of fear and passion, the most dangerous mixture.
I believe that at some point, a few months from now, I'm going to start loving New York, but right now, I can only feel contempt.
I pass through the arrivals gate, looking at those millions of unfamiliar faces, waiting for someone. I'm looking for a sign with my name or the logo of the Hastings Agency.
I find my name in the hands of a boy a little taller than me. Dark hair and fair skin, he needs sun. In an impeccable suit, but fumbling with his cell phone and notepad.
I approach slowly, able to hear his voice, replaying a million things. He said something about waiting for me to arrive and taking me to the hotel. Something about treating me kindly and not asking questions. I stop in front of him with a sympathetic smile, watching him widen his eyes and quickly turn off his cell phone.
“Miss McGonagall, welcome to New York.” he takes my hand, squeezing it and shaking it quickly. “I'm Edward. I will be responsible for your schedule.” I can't control the smile, noticing him nervousness. In other words, he was my Noah.
“Hi! Yeah, you can call me Marnie, that's fine. I prefer, actually.”
“Oh! Of course.” his cheeks turn pink. “Well, I'll drop you off at the hotel to rest and tomorrow at 8:00 am you should be at Valentino's studio for the rehearsal of the new bag collection. At 2:45 pm you should already be at Chanel's studio, they want to take your measurements and do some color and fabric tests for the fashion show at the end of the month. Then, at 5:00 pm, you will participate in the E! podcast, and I believe that after that you will be free for the rest of the day.” he passes it on to me as we head out of the airport.
“OK!” that's all I have to say.
“Sorry if I'm being nosy, but were you the one who required a lot of work for the next two months? I mean, you have a really busy schedule. If you don't want something, I can try to help.” he flips through the calendar while we wait for a car.
“No! It's OK. I was the one who asked. I was down for a while and I need to get back to work.” I give a slight smile, debating. "Hm, was the doctor I asked for by any chance be marked?"
“Yes! Wednesday at 3pm.” he smiles proudly, making me smile too. Edward seems like a nice guy.
We got into a silver car and went to the hotel. Along the way, Edward answers a few calls, closing in on his tasks. I seize the moment and close myself in my own world. I get my cell phone, turning it on and seeing that tsunami of people looking for me. Missed calls, messages, dm on twitter and instagram, everyone looking for me, but not him.
I lock my cell phone, trying to focus my mind on the new beginning I sought for myself. I admire the city through the car window, trying to find a piece of home there. I feel the phone vibrate in my lap with Kyleen's name, but I just decline the call. In seconds, the screen lights up again and several messages come in, I believe they are hers, but I don't even bother to look. I have no courage.
The car stops in front of the Intercontinental, and just like that, Edward jumps out of the car.
“Your loft, unfortunately, is not ready yet. So you're going to have to stay here for a few days.” he explains, heading towards the reception desk.
I stand behind him, taking in the details of the hotel. Before long, I'm entering a room on the 14th floor, with a beautiful view of the city. The bags are left in the small room before the bedroom.
I smile at my new “Noah” showing that everything is perfect.
“Good! I'll let you rest for tomorrow. Anything, these are my phones.” he gives me a card. "And you can call me at any time. I live near here, I will come in a few minutes.”
“Thank you so much, Edward. You are very kind." Again, your cheeks turn pink.
As he heads for the door, I start rummaging through my bags for pajamas.
“Hm, sorry if I'm not being professional right now, but since I believe we'll be working together in the next few months, I imagine a good relationship is essential, so you can call me Eddie.”
I open an even bigger smile, seeing that Eddie was willing to make a friendship, which is perhaps the thing I need most at the moment.
“Thanks, Eddie!” he smiles and this time he walks away, leaving me alone again.
I go back to looking for a more comfortable outfit, ignoring my cell phone blinking on the table as I muted it. I grab my clothes, heading to a shower and stay there for a long time, letting the water take everything.
When I get out of the shower, I pick up the bedroom phone, dialing my mother's number, I don't want to take the risk of answering any of my cell phone calls.
"Hello?" her lost tone makes me smile weakly.
“Hi Mom!”
“Hi, my love. How are you? Marnie, what's going on? Leah came here to say you left without saying goodbye. I called Luke, but he did not answer me and Noah said something about you being to move to New York, you told me it would be just a month.” I cover the phone, not wanting her to hear my cry, letting the tears fall. "Marnie?"
“I'm sorry, Mom.” I can't control my voice and pretend it's okay.
“Honey, what's going on? You can tell me. Mom will help you.” I realize she wants to cry too, and that hurts me more.
“I needed to do this, needed to get away from him.” the revelation comes out before I can see it.
"He who? Luke? Why? I thought everything was fine.” her desperate tone returns.
“I'm sorry I can't talk.” I close my throat, holding back tears. “I just want to let you know that I arrived well and that everything is fine.”
“Fine? Marnie, just look at your voice, your condition. I saw what you did to the apartment. Honey, things aren't fine.” now she was angry.
“Mom, please just trust me. I know what I'm doing.” Do I? I clear my throat, holding back the emotion. “I just wanted to call to say I got okay. Later we'll talk.” I hang up the phone before she asks anything else.
I head to the bathroom, drying my hair. I notice that yesterday's anger is still in me as I can't face my image in the mirror, refusing to look deep into my eyes.
With dry hair, I go back to my room, thinking about taking a nap, since I haven't slept all night and even less on the flight. I close my eyes, trying to focus my thoughts on something else. I think about that taxi I saw earlier, trying to park. Or people crossing the street without looking at the sign. At the cookie shop I want to see.
I manage to evade Luke's, my mother's, John's, and Noah's voices, giving myself more and more to the sleep that finally came. Far away, I hear someone knocking hard on the door, but I ignore it, as I had the same thoughts yesterday morning. But I wake up when the pounding comes back stronger and Leah's voice enters the room.
“Marnie Elizabeth McGonagall, open this shit now before I drop it and you know I'm capable of it.” I leap out of bed, running to the door.
She can’t be here.
I open the door, revealing Leah with perhaps the worst expression I've ever seen in the world. She was furious, if not more so. As she storms into my room without waiting for an invitation, I quickly look down the hall, seeing a couple look at me startled. I smile awkwardly, closing the door.
“What are you doing here?” I question, still not understanding.
"What are you doing here? And without warning anyone. Fading in the morning. Breaking up with Luke. What the fuck was that?” she screams.
For a second, I see that my amnesia was an issue with my plan. By not remembering my friendship with everyone, I really believed that I just left and everything would be fine. I didn't imagine anyone would cross the country for me, to understand what was going on.
And if Leah did it, it's a matter of hours before someone else does. They weren't going to leave me alone, they weren't going to forget me, and they weren't going to let this story pass. I need to push them away, but I don't know how.
"Go on, Marnie. What the fuck is going on? And if you tell me it's a job offer, I swear I'll fly at you without pity or mercy, and I'll slap the truth out.” she cross her arms.
I consider the last option a lot because I know she can do it. But I won't tell her the truth, that's not an alternative. I want to believe that if I don't back off, she'll see I'm not lying and won't attack me. And even if she tries, I just run away, I'm closer to the door and there's an armchair between us.
"But it is what it is!" I shrug.
“Stop it!” she screams. “Stop lying, Marnie. Everyone. Everyone knows you're lying, so why don't you tell the truth?” she waves her hands through the air.
“Because there's no other truth, Leah. Will I have to draw it for you?” I make the same moves she does.
“Be my guest!” she sits on the couch. I sigh wearily. I haven't slept for hours, I'm angry with myself and the world and now that I thought the situation was resolved and I just had to go on with my life, she comes and messes everything up.
“Why are you here?” I stay upright.
“I do not know! It must be cause you went crazy and disappeared without saying anything. Didn't answer my calls, no one had any answers about what was going on. So I took my father's jet and came to resolve this situation and I don't leave here without an answer at least.”
In the same way I laugh at Noah, I laugh at her, thinking it will fix everything. Leah carries the same expression as her brother, neutral, mocking.
“Why did you break up with Luke?” she asks quietly.
The mention of his name makes me shiver. I notice how my stomach turns and try to ignore it. I wonder if I can subtly extract some information from his state, but I don't want her to think I still care about him.
"Cause I wasn't in the mood anymore." I shrug, walking through space.
“My God, you've actually lied better.” I glare at her. “You know you're in trouble here, I know you better than anyone. I know you are lying and that you are going through some difficult situation. I even have my theories. So you're going to have to work a lot harder to trick me or get me out of here.” she cracks a smile, feeling victorious.
"Oh do you have? What are your theories?” I mock her.
“The first is that you really freaked out with amnesia and you can't handle it. The second is that you can't handle your feelings about Luke, it happened once before. And the third is that someone put some shit in your head and made you believe that everything would be better if you were out of the way.” I feel her gaze burning into me, looking for any reaction.
I let out a laugh, not forced, nervous that she got it right. Leah raises an eyebrow.
“You really traveled on your theories. Sorry, none are right.”
As if by magic, the answer appears to me. The only way I was going to get rid of everyone and go through with the plan without a hitch was to make her hate me. Make everyone hate me, just like I did Luke.
Just considering their hate for me makes my heart ache. But I need to do this. For Luke. For the boys. It's for their success.
“You know, a few months ago you were asked to be in a movie and you didn't take it cause you said you were a terrible actress. Isn't that right?” she gets up again. “Noah told me you said you were doing this for Luke, because you loved him. Marnie, what are you trying to hide?” she comes closer.
I feel dirty because of the attitude I'm going to take. It's low, very low, but I need her to hate me.
"Look who talks about hiding." I give a cynical laugh. Leah looks at me confused. "Don't you have anything to tell too?" she still doesn't understand. “You and Kyleen?”
Hastings freezes. The bitter taste of my act starts to fill my mouth. I’m sorry, Leah. I’m so sorry.
“How do you know?” she takes a step back.
"Who do you think closed the bathroom door on Ash's birthday?" I raise my eyebrows.
“Is not the same thing.”
“It isn’t? Aren't you hiding something from all of us?” I force a smile like hers a few minutes ago.
“No! Cause I'm not pushing everyone away, I'm not telling lies. And if you asked me, I would tell you the truth. Deep down, you know why I didn't say anything. You know my dad hasn't accepted Noah yet, that this is a problem in our family, and you know he wouldn't accept me either. You know that deep down I'm trying to protect both of us.”
“Oh! Do I?” I debauchery more. Right now, I feel horrible when I see your eyes water. I'm so, so sorry.
“I know what you're trying to do and I'm not going to stage it.” she walks past me to the door.
"Didn't you want to talk? I am talking.” Leah turns to me, straining the knife I carried in my chest, letting me see her crying face.
“You're trying to make me hate you.” now I'm the one who freezes. She laughs. “See how I know you? You are very predictable, Marnie. And as much as I know of your intention, I will not allow you to reach your goal. I hope that one day, not too far away, you realize what a big shit you're doing.” she opens the door, going. “Oh, and before I forget, since it's meant to hurt. Congrats, since your little chat with Luke, he's been locked in his room, needing Michael to keep an eye on him.” so Leah slams the door and strikes the final blow.
I bite the inside of my mouth, letting the tears fall. Honestly, I didn't even have the strength to hold back anymore. The rage burning inside me gives way to pain. I imagine Luke locked in his room, lying on the bed, hating me. Hating what we had and what we thought we had.
I walk over to my suitcase, pulling out a package, with the photos I'd taken from the box and the little white box he'd given me. I open it, holding the necklace with his name on it, the one he gave me.
Even knowing what I had to do, I wouldn't get rid of this necklace, I don't have the courage. It was easier to buy an equal one and put it in his hand. What he did to me would be kept with me forever.
““Closed eyes.” he fights.
"I have my eyes closed." I rebate. “Lucas…” I chide him, when I feel his lips on the back of my neck.
“Sorry, I got distracted.” I hold back the urge to laugh. “Closed eyes.”
"If you say it one more time, you'll get hit." I threat.
"How, if you can't see me?" right now, the urge to hit him is so strong that I follow the sound of his voice, trying to kick him. “Hey! No rudeness, otherwise you'll be left without a gift.” the false authoritative tone makes me angrier. “Good girl!”
“Go!” I kicked.
I'm startled by the icy touch against my neck. It's a necklace. Eagerly, I touch the pendant, recognizing the shape. He didn't do it.
“You can open it.” his hands move to my hips, hugging me.
With my eyes open, I run my vision to my neck, finding there a necklace just like his but blue.
“Happy Birthday!” he drops a kiss on my cheek.
I hold the blue quartz, seeing Luke's name engraved on the back. I let a stupid smile spread across my face, glaring at my boyfriend with the same.
"Want to explain why we're wearing practically identical necklaces?"
“It's a little obvious. Couples wear rings and I know what a problem you have with rings.”
“It’s not a problem.” I try to defend myself.
“It's just Alzheimer's. You know, in some people, it starts before they're 70 years old.” I hit him, and he laughs, before he hugs me. "Like I was saying, I know you're not into wearing a ring, so since I already had my necklace, I thought you'd have yours. That way we'll always be close to each other's hearts.” I rest my hands on his shoulders, standing on tiptoes.
"Have I told you I love you today?" I whisper, moving closer.
“Not after 5 pm.” he pouted, looking at the clock on the wall.
I don't know how I managed to kiss him with such a stupid smile on my face.
“Why do I like you, huh?” I question, stealing a little kiss.
“Because I'm cheesy and romantic. And even if you deny it, I know you get attached to it.” he opens a victorious smile.
"Don't ever say 'get attached' again." I beg laughing.
"What is it, bae? That was awesome.” he laughs.
“No!” I scream, laughing.
"What is it, babe girl? Don't you stick to my way of get in?” he keeps teasing me.
I place my lips on yours, determined to shut your mouth and thank you that it works. My mental reminder of “we're late for dinner” evaporates when his hands reach under my shirt. I scratch the back of his neck, pulling him closer.
“We're late for dinner.” he says against my mouth as I start to unbutton his shirt.
“Just say the traffic was like hell.” I suggest kissing his neck.
Luke accepts the idea, picking me up and walking me back to the bedroom."
It's not hard to know that we were late for dinner that day. But I didn't care, I had been given a necklace with his name on it, a necklace that showed how our relationship was getting more and more serious.
I also realize that the two times I got this necklace, at least once I ended up in bed with him. In fact, in both, but only one made it to the end.
“I hate myself.” I say tiredly, going to the minibar to get anything containing alcohol that makes me forget everything.
I call the front desk for two bottles of champagne and the biggest snack they have. I pick up the small whiskey bottles, turning one after the other, as if they were shot. I shake my head, wanting the effect to start faster.
“I hate myself. Leah hates me. Kiki must hate me now too. Just like Noah and everyone else there. Everybody hates me.” I turn the last one over, shaking my head once more. “Luke hates me. Hates me too much.” I comment, hugging the pillow.
I pick up a Polaroid of ours, staring at our happiness marked there. What am I doing?
I throw my head in my hands, lost. I wonder what might happen if I crawl into bed and don't go out for the rest of the month. Probably more people will hate me, but who doesn't hate me now? I mean, just get in line.
Awakened from the thought, when someone knocks on the door. For a second, I wonder who it was, then remember I ordered room service. I walk to the door, feeling the weight of the six small bottles.
My stomach churns and I feel an overwhelming urge to vomit as I land my eyes on the redhead in front of me. Red-haired?
I don't know if it was hangover or guilt, but my head was weighing a ton the morning after the party. Unlike everyone, I didn't wake up in a good mood, in fact I was pretty quiet at breakfast. Lucky for me, no one suspected anything, as the hangover gripped everyone there.
As yesterday was still Saturday and most had to work, I didn't have to run away from anyone. Since my plan had been in action since Monday, I took the day off to start packing up some things, trying to get everything as ready as possible.
For today, I had left only the final adjustments, like packing my suitcase and getting ready for my conversation with Luke.
The pain in my throat becomes more and more unbearable every time I hold back the cry. I fold up one of the band sweatshirts I have, watching the boys' faces, wanting to reinforce why I'm doing this.
I run my finger over Luke's face, as if I'm touching him. Friday's flashes flood my mind and I scold myself for nearly screwing it up out of sheer desire. Of course I wanted it as much as he did. Feel his touch, the desire and love he manages to emanate so naturally. I don't think I've ever felt so alive and so amazing in anyone's arms as in his, but it couldn't happen.
The doorbell snaps me out of my thoughts. I hurry downstairs, thinking it's Martin with the paperwork.
“Noah?" I give my friend room to enter. "Aren't you supposed to be at that lunch?" I check my watch and check the time, 1:37 PM. “Noah?” I call him, wondering at his frown.
"I wanted to come talk to you directly so we don't have any misunderstandings and to see if that way I can understand what this should mean." he hands me a folder. I open it quickly feeling my blood pressure drop. It was the paperwork I was waiting for. "What's this about moving to New York?"
"How did this get to you?" I try to control my breathing and head into the living room, feeling the urge to sit down. I start to think of a million excuses and ways not to have this conversation since it wasn't part of my plan.
“In case you also forgot, I work at the company. I am the owner's son and above that I am your advisor, everything that happens to you must pass through me at some point. Now tell me what this story is." I don't think I've ever seen Noah this angry.
“I received a job offer and decided to accept.” I know my voice has cracked, but I pray he doesn't notice. Noah stares at me for a few seconds with a more confused and displeased expression.
“I've known you for two years. You're going to have to try harder if you want to deceive me. Marnie, you just signed a rehearsal contract here in LA. If you got a proposal, you would know from me. Does this have to do with the fact that you're weird these days? What? Did you go without saying anything to anyone? That's it?” I remain silent, feeling everything go downhill from there. Slowly, a fury starts to build inside me. “Marnie, what's going on?”
It's not just the countless times I've heard this question throughout the week. I believe it's because I'm not in control of anything right now. About me being forced to do all this, not being able to tell my friend what's going on. All of this makes the question so much bigger and deeper than it really is. And it makes the fury that's brewing inside me grow.
“My God! Nothing! It's not happening anything. What a bag!” the scream breaks my mouth, coming out louder and angrier than I expected. “I am fine! When are you going to understand this?” he doesn't seem to be frightened by my scream, just standing there with his arms crossed and expressionless.
"Maybe when you stop lying and tell me what's going on?" he makes fun of me. A cynical laugh comes out of me as I go to open the door and ask him to leave my apartment. “You weren't like that, Marnie." I get irritated again. I can't explain where so much anger comes from, let alone contain it.
“Surprise, Noah, I'm like that. This is Marnie and always has been. Now if you don't like her, I can't do anything. Your ‘Marnie’ is gone and it's just me. And I'm going to New York whether you like it or not.” along with the anger, I feel like crying, but once again, I hold back with all my strength.
Noah nodded thoughtfully. I know it's a scene, that he's going to attack me again, he's just choosing his words.
“Then that's it? You mess it up, make everyone believe that everything is fine, and leave without warning. Is that what you're going to do?” the judgmental look bothers me.
"I didn't mess anything up."
“No?” he laughs falsely. "I don't say for myself or for the girls, but haven't you been giving a certain someone hope, making him believe you could get back together? And now you're going to go away and let him suffer without caring?” he raises his eyebrows.
I suck in the air harder, making it burn. The fire burns stronger inside me. The desire at the moment is to break everything.
“Do not do it.” my voice breaks. I close my eyes, pulling myself together. “Do not do it! Don't think I'm not suffering from having to make this decision either.” I can't hold back the tears, not caring about them anymore either.
“You're? Cuz it doesn't look like.” I close my hands, squeezing them tightly. I try to control the urge to scream, scream in hate, in anger, in pain and most of all, scream that he is being unfair to me.
“Of course I'm suffering.” once again I scream. "Do you think not?! Look at me! Do you think it doesn't hurt me to have to do all this?! Leave him here like this and not be able to do anything?! Of course it hurts. Why do you think I'm doing all this?! Because I love him! I love more than one day I thought it was possible to love someone. I'm doing it for him. But there's no easy way to do this, I don't have a choice.”
“Everyone has a choice, Marnie, you're just choosing the one you find easiest.”
"Does this sound easy to you?" I interrupt him, opening my arms, showing me. I dry my tears exhausted. “I made my choice and I appreciate if you respect. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish packing my bags.” I open the door for him.
My friend doesn't say anything else, just heads towards the door.
“Feel free to share my plan with the others.” I say tough.
“No! I will not do that. You made your decision, you did the shit and now deal with it.” Noah doesn't even wait for the elevator, taking the stairs.
I slam the door, feeling that anger still burn inside me. I rest my eyes on the wall where my photo is. I go to it, pulling out the wallpaper, tearing off part of the image. I'm not mad at Noah, I'm mad at myself, at the way it all went and where I went.
If I weren't a model, I could be living my life without any problems. Luke would still be the guy in the band I only knew one song about. I would be happy and free from all that pressure.
Still needing to release that anger, I grabbed the flower pots near the door, throwing what was left of my image against. My throat hurts from sobs and my heart clenches when that feeling arises.
““Wait, there's an eyelash.” I say to Luke, trying to catch it. “OK! Make a wish.” I lift my little finger at him.
He was about to take the stage at the Capital Summertime Ball. Luke stares at my finger thoughtfully and smiles, apparently determined.
“Be my girlfriend?” he sounds curious. I stare at his amused face, making sure he's kidding me.
“I'm serious.” I push his shoulder with another hand. I gasp when I see Luke kneel down with the guitar.
“Me too.” he shrugs. I start to laugh nervously, covering my face but careful not to lose my eyelash. I can hear the muffled laughter of the boys beside us, just wanting to hit each one of them.
“You need to blow to see if your wish comes true.” I say, already knowing my answer and I suspect he does too. Luke stands up blowing his flying eyelash.
"Boys, it's you, come in." a production guy yells, already pushing Ashton onto the stage, who is followed by Calum.
Quickly, I grab Luke's face, like I always did before he took the stage.
“Yes!” I give him a peck, watching him smile. Luke hugs me, stealing another kiss, running up onto the stage happily.
“This was definitely the cutest, most improvised request I've ever seen.” I open an even bigger smile, hearing Ryan beside me. I lay my head on his shoulder, swallowing the happy cry I wanted to let out.””
I don't know how long I sat staring at my torn photo, with a horrible pain in my chest. I hug my knees like the coward I am, not wanting to accept that the time has come.
Luke pov.
I jot down one more note in the melody I'm creating. The idea came up in the morning and if I didn't work on it now, I would forget. I go back to playing the piano following the sequence, when the bell interrupts me.
Petunia doesn't even make an effort to get up, remaining on the couch, snoring.
I open the door feeling my heart race. Marnie was standing there with a serious expression. I conclude that she came to tell me what was going on and I am relieved that I will finally understand what is happening.
“Can we talk?" I'm surprised by the hard look.
I make room for her, who goes straight to the living room, standing in the middle. I let a weak smile emerge, remembering all the times she's done this. I stop a little away, giving space, because I know how important this is to her at these times.
"I believe you came to tell me what's going on." I keep my hands in my pants pockets. M&Ms nodded.
"I came to break whatever we have." I don't know how to react. In fact, I'm not sure I got it right. “Look I tried, I really tried, but…”
“I'm sorry, what?”
For a second, I wonder how I got back to two years ago, where we had these fights almost daily. Where we were too dumb to want to accept. If it weren't for the pink hair, I would be convinced that it would be 2018 again.
“I tried to feel something for you, but I couldn't. And there's nothing I can do.”
I stare at Marnie, confused. I replay the past few weeks in my mind, all our moments together, and I can't believe a single word she says. I know everything was real. Every smile and laugh, every flushed cheek, every look and especially every kiss. Come back to Friday. How can she say there was nothing there?
“You gotta be kidding me. After all we've been through this month, do you have the courage to try to say you didn't feel anything?” my tone rises.
It doesn't make any sense. Her speech, her request not to forget that she likes me and today this? The pieces don't come together.
“Sorry. But I can't go on with this anymore.” I can see your gaze looking around the room. She's lying, why is she lying? For me on top.
“Why are you doing this?” Marnie looks at me confused.
"Because I'm tired of carrying this…”
“No! Why are you lying to me?” her eyes roll. I get close enough to be able to hear and notice her breathing.
"I have no reason to lie to you. If you can't accept that a girl doesn't like you, that's your business.” she passes me at the mention of leaving. But I hold your arm.
"So Friday was my hallucination? The two of us in the bedroom. You on my lap. All that desire and lust, was it a dream of mine?” your pupils dilate.
I can see she's thinking right now, can feel her pulse increase. She felt something, all this time, she felt something. I don't know if it's that insecurity from the beginning, the fear of getting involved, of getting hurt that always kept her away from me. The fear that I would be like him.
“I drank a lot.” her voice breaks the silence. I let go, covering my face, laughing indignantly.
“Oh my God, Marnie, why are you doing this? It's clear you're lying to me. Tell me what's going on. Is someone blackmailing you? Threatening you? Is it Stephen? Did he mess with you again?”
“There's nothing going on, Luke. I just don't love you.” she says with her head down.
The sentence cuts through me, causing agonizing pain. I feel my body retract. Your voice comes back in my mind in different tones and shapes, telling me every time you loved me. Whispering, screaming, in normal tones, even the day she swallowed helium gas.
My eyes burn. I don't want to cry in front of her, not out of shame, because I've cried a million times, but out of pride in not accepting that I'm hurt.
“I didn't want to go that far.” her restrained voice hovers over me.
I look at Marnie, not recognizing her. This is not the girl I fell in love with. The girl I spent nights awake just imagining what it would be like to go out with her, what it would be like to hold her hand and see her smile at me. The girl I spent mornings admiring sleeping. That I wrote love letters. That several times made me forget even my name just for saying the same thing. It's not her.
But it's amazing how I still know she's in there, somehow. Maybe Marnie was right that day, she didn't want to feel like an intruder in her own life, but she was.
She herself undid everything we built. Everything we've fought so hard has fallen like a house of cards. The promises made at dawn about our future together, vanish with the wind. I know they weren't empty, but the girl who made them with me isn't here.
“I'm so sorry. I-”
“Say it looking at me.” I stare at her resolutely.
“Don't do that.” she begs in a whisper.
Her eyes flood with despair and I delude myself, even with pain. Her mouth opens several times, but her voice doesn't come out. Her eyes blink several times, trying to ward off the tears that are forming there. I watch her body hold the air.
“What? Weren't you so determined?! So convinced?! Didn't you come here for this?! So say it looking at me, not the walls, like you're doing.” her jaw locks. “Two years ago you came here to look me in the eye and say you wanted to try, you came to ask me for a chance for both of us. So now look into them and say you don't want it anymore.”
Marnie stares at me lost. I pray, I beg her not to make it, for her to give up on this stupid idea. That deep down she says she's afraid to surrender. I wouldn't mind ignoring this fight and pretending nothing happened. Then I would hold her and make her feel like I would protect her from everything, make her feel loved. But my thoughts change and I lose hope when I watch her take off the necklace I gave her.
“I'm sorry.” she puts it in my hand. Right now I don't mind letting the tears fall. I stare at my hands feeling destroyed. Her lips touch my cheek lightly and so she leaves my house and my life.
““What is this?” I open a smile watching her approach, openmouthed. “Luke, what is this all about?” her eyes run over all the details with curiosity.
For a few seconds, I don't know what to say. I lose my breath watching how stunning she looks in this flowery dress with wavy hair. Holy crap.
“Our first date.” I shrug. Marnie breaks into a beautiful smile, making her cheeks blush. The sparkle in your eyes enchants me.
“Luke, when you said a date I swore we were going to a restaurant, I didn't think…” her voice trails off, giving way to a delighted laugh.
"Have I exaggerated?" I approach her, looking at the small tree with scattered lights and the table for two with two candles. "If you say yes, I'll be upset." I make fun of her.
“No! It's perfect, is that… I didn't expect this. Not all of that.” she whispers. "Did you do all this?" she looks at me in surprise.
“Good part. Except the food, the intention is to impress you, not make you run away from me.” I look at her teary eyes and feel amazing for getting it right. She liked.
I take a deep breath, trying to control my breathing and my nervousness. I wanted to leave Marnie speechless, wanted her to make sure I was worth it. And even with all the effort, she managed to leave me speechless yet. My God, how could someone be so beautiful like that? Am I really that lucky to have gotten her attention? I mean, do I deserve her?
“I do not know what to say. Thank you.” I get lost in her eyes, feeling the butterflies in my stomach grow. It couldn't be possible for me to be in love with her that fast already, could it?””
Marnie pov.
Air doesn't reach my lungs, no matter how windy it is. My chest and throat hurt so much my body recoils with every sob. It was like sand in my hand, running through my fingers, I couldn't hold it back.
As torture, I replay the scene in my head again, watching his blue eyes lose their luster and let those tears fall. I wanted to hug him and tell him I was crazy, drunk. That deep down I was completely in love with him, and I didn't even need my memories for that. Luke is so amazing that he managed to win me over again and I believe he could a million times over. I wanted to say that I want him, I want him more than anything, but I can't.
The doorbell pulls me out of my private cell, my mind, prompting me to question whether the bomb had ever gone off. It would probably be Leah or even Ashton, but I don't want to deal with anyone right now. I don't want lectures, I don't want judgments, I just want to stay on the couch until tomorrow when it's my time to go to New York.
I crawl to the door finding the last person I want to see right now. John Letterman has a huge, excited smile, in contrast, my face is red and swollen from crying for the past few hours.
“Hi, Marnie, how are you?” Cursed the day I ran into him at the studio.
“What are you doing here?” John plays offended.
“I just came to ensure that everything is going with our agreement.”
"What does it look like?" I point to my face. “It's all just the way you made me do it.” I turn around, entering the still-destroyed apartment.
"But what happened here?" he looks at the destroyed hall in disgust.
“You, John. Just you and your disgusting manipulation.” John shakes his head laughing.
"I didn't put any gun to your head to accept this. I just showed you the truth, you are destroying the career of 5 seconds of summer. Your person's association is putting their contract and their tour at risk. You're the one who decided to walk away.” he smiles satisfied.
I break eye contact, too exhausted to debate.
“I'm glad you lived up to your part of the deal and I hope this is the last time we've crossed paths.”
"Then we are two."
“But if I hear you're trying to get close to Luke again…” the tone of voice pisses me off.
“I've already done my part, but if you keep pissing me off, I'll go to Luke right now and tell him the whole truth.” I threat, nervous. I try not to show that his laugh makes me confused.
“You know, I missed you, Marnie. That innocence is really funny.” John stops laughing and approaches. "Do you think Luke wants to see you now?! Why do you think I'm here knowing everything?! He already called me, asking me to schedule the trip. He hates you now, Marnie. You broke his heart. I don't care what useless word you say to him, because he won't believe it. Here.” he takes his cell phone out of his jacket. "Want to call him and tell him?! I will help you.” he returns a venomous smile.
“Get out of my house.” I say through teeth.
"What's up, Marnie? Don't be so passionate. After all we are friends.” he makes fun of me.
"I said 'get out of my house.'” I scream, picking up a decorative vase beside me and threatening to throw it at it.
John doesn't look scared, but heads for the door.
“One day you'll thank me, Marnie.” he says before closing the door. I throw the vase, screaming, seeing it crash against the door.
The urge to go to Luke and tell the whole truth becomes much stronger, however, even if I don't want to admit it, John was right, Luke must hate me by now, making everything I say empty. On the other hand, I remember that I'm doing this for him.
I know at any other time, if I knew the band was going through something like that, I would do anything to help. Now, making sure I'm the problem, I want to become the solution and if that meant having to walk away from it then I would, after all their success and happiness could be mine.
I want to have faith that a few years from now, when everything is better, maybe I can get Luke and the others to understand why I'm doing this. Maybe we can even be friends if he doesn't hate me.
I give up, going up to my room for a shower and straight to bed. It's horrible knowing I need sleep to be acceptable for tomorrow, but I can't turn my head off. Even exhausted, I go over every fight I had today. Noah, Luke, and John's voices mingled in my mind, draining me more and more of my energy, but not to the point of putting me to sleep.
The night slowly drags on and the approach of dawn makes an anxiety rise within me. Yesterday they could have held back so they wouldn't come to debate anything, but I doubt that someone won't show up today and, given my state and mood, I'm sure I won't have the strength to fight.
For the few seconds and times I dozed off, I dreamed of the doorbell ringing, of Leah screaming for me to open the door. Finally, when the clock struck a little after five, I decided to get out of bed. Wrapped in the duvet, I walk to the kitchen, making tea. With my drink ready, I walk over to the couch on the balcony, watching the sky clear up for my last day in LA.
Passed morning, I go for a shower with the intention of getting rid of this weight. I lock everything in my room, not knowing when I'll be back. In the closet, I grab Luke's box and pull out my diary and some of our Polaroids. I also take the little white box, carefully storing it in my suitcase.
I walk around the house, closing windows, turning off power and stuff. I don't worry and much less care about the mess I made yesterday, if I ever come back to this apartment, I'll ask for a huge renovation, not wanting to remember anything from that time.
Around 8:00 am, I tell Martin that I want to go to the airport early, wanting to avoid any of my friends or family. I had already talked and said goodbye to my parents before the party. I'm relieved when he says he's on his way.
I take one last look at my apartment, accepting my defeat. I pick up my bags, already going downstairs and moving forward as much as possible to just leave, I just didn't count on Ashton at the front desk of the building
"Ash?" I call him on impulse. My friend turns to me, apparently not at all surprised to see me with my bags.
“Can we talk?” he questions calmly.
“I need to go to the air-” I try to dodge him, but Ash steps in front of me.
“Five minutes. I do not want to fight. I just want to understand you.” he interrupts me.
“You don't understand, Ash.” whisper. “I need to go.”
There's one thing I've always admired about Ashton, that peace he has and emanates. He in no second judges me with his gaze, in fact, this calm almost makes me tell everything, trusting that he would listen to me and believe me. But in seconds this idea loses strength, after all, Luke would not believe me and John could still harm the band.
“You know, I remember the day we met very well. You were the new student in yoga class and I was happy to have someone my age there. We weren't the best students and we talked too much, which caused us to be thrown out of class.” he laughs a little. “But even without that, we became good friends. It is not?”
“Yes,” I whisper, trying to understand where he is going.
“Marnie, I can't explain what was different with you, but I really didn't want to lose touch. I wanted you to be my friend. The problem is, in the end, I took care of you like my little sister. I think I projected that onto you. I've always taken care of Lauren and Harry a lot and I miss them sometimes. I always wanted to and will always protect you, but I need to know exactly what.”
“Ash…” I try to interrupt him but can't.
“I lost you once, in that fucking accident. I lost you to amnesia. I don't want to lose you for a silly thing. Marnie, please just tell me.” he pleads, holding my hands.
It pains me to see him like this. I can see the desperation in his eyes, just as I saw it in Luke's eyes. I know it hurts, but it has to. Ashton was definitely the best friend I've ever had in all my 23 years, I don't need my memory to prove it. Just a conversation with him and I realized our connection. Really, Ashton is the big brother I never had and I'm grateful for that.
Without the strength to want to convince him of the story I had already created, I pull his body to me, hugging my best friend for the last time. He doesn't deny the hug, squeezing me tightly, as if to stop me from going.
“Thanks for everything, Ash. Please don't forget my speech.” I give him a kiss on the cheek, ready to get into the car that has just arrived.
'It wasn't by chance that you and Luke met.” I stop at the door, turning confusing to him. “Ever since I've known you, I've known you'd be perfect for Luke, you're almost the female version of him. I just gave you guys a little push to see each other, because I knew the moment he saw you, he was going to fall in love with you.”
I stare at Ashton for a few more seconds before turning towards the car, feeling the tears wet my cheek once more. I didn't need to be an expert to know that yes, Luke and I were made for each other, but unfortunately, not all soulmates end up together.
I'm so sorry, I know I'm late. I have a undergraduate thesis at the end of the year and I am too busy with it. But I promise not to delay this amazing fic for you anymore. Thank you so much for all the support and affection, you're amazing. Until the next chapter!
P.s. which I will post in a few hours, after all, it's the least I can do after a month of delays. See ya! xoxo
“Do it again.” Ashton asks, staring at me intently.
We were about to leave my house for my surprise party, which I discovered in less than an hour. I was rehearsing a face of surprise so as not to end the surprise, cause I know everyone worked hard for it.
I widen my eyes, breaking into a smile.
“I can't believe you deceived me.” I say with my voice altered by the ‘surprise’.
“Don't say that, it will be very obvious that you know. Says ‘I can't believe you threw a party for me’.” he suggests.
"I can't believe you threw a party for me." I redo the entire acting.
“Yep! Me either. But what doesn't M&Ms ask, that I don't do?” Ash dries the water bottle with a shrug. “I'm just kidding.” he laughs after seeing my face.
“Speaking of her…” I fill my glass with some more wine, since it's too early for us to go. “Something new?” Ashton denies, frustrated too.
“I commented that she was acting weird, but she just changed the conversation and said that she's been busy and that she was nervous about the party.” he sighs. I massage my forehead, annoyed.
"Am I going to have to put her against the wall to get something?" I look at him, not knowing what to do.
“You know this isn't going to work. She's going to run away, you're going to fight, she's going to walk away and you're going to be more annoying than you already are.” I appreciate my friend's attempt to change the mood with provocation, but it has no effect.
"I can't find any reason to give me any sign of what's going on. Was it my fault? I knew I shouldn't have stayed with her that Saturday, I pushed the situation too hard and now she's pulling away, avoiding me-”
“Oh shut up! Don't even start with that.” Irwin raises his voice, cutting mine off. "Marnie isn't like that, she doesn’t do these things. If she wasn't comfortable she was going to talk. You said yourself that she asked you to sleep there. She let you pick her up on Monday and asked you to take her home, even after you dedicated Best Years to her. She didn't run away there, because it was remarkable how much she liked the song. You should pay more attention to the way she looks at you.”
A silly laugh escapes my lips when I see Ashton imitate her looking at me and smiling. My heart warms at the possibility that she is actually falling in love with me, just as I already am with her.
"Luke, if she didn't want to get back together, she wouldn't open up so many gaps and opportunities for you to be together. She must just be confused about the feelings. That's how it looked for the first time. Look, let's analyze her behavior today, after all the stress of the party and then we get stressed.”
I agree with my friend. I'm freaking out over something that shouldn't be very important. Maybe it's all the pressure with finishing the album. The release date is approaching and sure enough, Jim freaking out in my ear for the publicity trip we were supposed to be doing, but we're still going against it due to Marnie's accident.
I don't know how many times I have to tell him I'm not leaving LA yet. This delay wasn't hindering anything, so I don't know why he makes such a point.
“Go, get rid of that dead face and let's enjoy your party.” Ash slaps my shoulder.
We left the house, heading to Jack's house, where the party would be. I've been training my face the entire way, wanting it to be as realistic as possible, even though everyone already suspects that I know.
Even if I didn't know it, the moment I see the street full of cars, I realize that I would find out there. Irwin tells them we're coming and I notice the noise of the music fade away. Discreet.
We entered the house, finding everything quiet and tidy. But when we turn to the kitchen and garden, a lot of people scream in surprise. I take a step back, like I'm really shocked.
"I can't believe you did that." I look at Ash, wanting to see that I did well. But his expression ‘so so’ disappoints me.
“In the car it was better.” he says before walking away and letting people get closer.
I don't know how many people I hugged, but I know the only one I wanted to see was the last one to arrive. I hold my breath, seeing her in a black leather skirt and a transparent black blouse, highlighting her tattoo between her breasts.
I swallow hard, cracking a nervous smile as she approaches with a huge grin, almost jumping into my lap. Unlike yesterday, where I just got a congratulations message, M&Ms hug me, leaving a lingering kiss on my cheek.
“Happy Birthday!” the gleam in her eyes proves to me she's already a little high.
I resist the urge to steal a kiss from her lips, just kissing her cheek back but giving her waist a squeeze, pressing her against my body. She seems to notice my intent, drastically changing her breathing.
"I wanted to talk to you later. If possible.” I say against her ear.
“About?” her eyes sweep me for any clues.
“Surprise.” I reveal, seeing her roll her eyes in agreement.
I watch her walk away with the girls, but she doesn't fully break eye contact with me, looking at me from afar. I let out a breath, realizing it's going to be a long night and another long battle to resist her and the urge to take her to a dark corner.
In the kitchen, where most of the drinks are, I start my work, drinking the alcohol, enjoying the burning sensation that the liquid leaves in my throat. I get distracted with video game conversation and allow my mind to relax with lighter, more relaxed topics.
The party had been going on for a few hours. My head is already light, due to the high alcohol content my body retains. I know I'm laughing at some bullshit Brian is talking about, even though his words don't make any sense in my mind. Maybe I've already had too much to drink and it's better to stop for a while. I don't want to be sick at my own party.
The term vibrates in my mind and I start searching the crowd for the cotton candy hair, worried about her condition. The feeling pulls my head out of the air, sobering me up for a few minutes.
I find her dancing hand in hand with Noah, laughing at the older man's exaggerated steps. I stare at the scene, happy that she is enjoying herself. Unlike at the beginning of the week, Marnie is now upbeat and not acting. Maybe Irwin is right and she was just stressed about the birthday party.
I push my thoughts away, concentrating on yet another beer pong game. I've played more times than I could count and I'm starting to doubt the two arms Jack has won since my last drink.
“Problems.” Michael sings beside me, pointing to the door. Pam walked in smiling excitedly, holding hands with a guy who sure as hell didn't want to be there. It's not possible…
Sobriety hits me like a cannon. All the alcohol and smoke that was in my body is gone and I am able to think clearly for the first time since I arrived.
I massage my forehead, bringing my gaze to Marnie, who's already staring at Pam without a specific expression. I cross the room with incredible ease, reaching for her, hugging her waist, pulling her to me.
“We can talk now?” Marnie didn't even seem to hear me, still staring at Pam, who was greeting some people. "M&Ms?" I call closer to her ear, but no effect. “Hey!” I drop a kiss to her temple, squeezing her waist.
Her green eyes cross mine and I can palpate the insecurity in them. Marnie just nodded, letting me lead her out of the room. We went up to a room, being alone. I look at her face, still half lost, and I approach slowly, feeling that little box weigh tons in my pocket.
“What do you want to talk about?” she gives a slight smile, turning her full attention to me.
“First I wanted to apologize for Pam. I didn't know what she was going to come.” Marnie rolls her eyes, shrugging.
“It’s OK! No need to apologize. My head is so full I don't even care about her anymore.” she sits up in bed, crossing her legs.
“And I believe she won't even mind us today, after all, she came with someone” I sat beside her.
“Yeah! Poor guy.” I let out a laugh at her pity for the poor boy. “It was just that?”
I lose myself in her eyes for a few seconds, wondering if that's all. I draw her face in my mind once more, recording every feature I fell in love with. My lips tingle as I landed my eyes on her mouth, slightly reddened by the drink.
At another time, right now she and I would be locked in some bathroom or bedroom, succumbing to desire and the alcohol in our blood. My fingertips ache amidst the memories of all the times I have run across her skin, feeling it burn under my touch.
My mind starts to cloud and the flashes of the two of us become more and more vivid. I try to push those thoughts away, but they seem to sink into my mind with force. My body heats up with every scene my mind plays. I feel the blood running the wrong way and I don't know how to stop it.
"Luke?" I'm startled by your touch on my hand. Marnie was looking at me with a mixture of curiosity and concern. “Are you okay?” I watch her hand squeeze mine, like she always did when I was angry or upset.
And just with that touch, everything stops inside me. The fire is gone and now I'm seized by a gigantic pain and rage in my chest, a rage for her being ripped from me so abruptly. I stare at her fingers moving gently, transmitting a caress throughout my body.
"Luke?" now she was looking at me extremely worried.
“Sorry. I think the drink hit.” I open a smile, trying to calm her down. M&Ms don't seem to buy much, but she smiles smugly.
“I already told you you're drinking a lot. In a little while you'll be passed out and won't even enjoy your own birthday party.” my smile widens in the midst of her care. "Don't give me that smile." she pushes my face away. "Is that all you wanted to talk about?"
“No!” this time I answer faster. “Actually, I wanted to give you something.” I fish the little white box in my pocket, feeling my fingers as soft as jelly. What if she doesn't like it? What if she gets angry?
“You know it's your birthday, right? You're the one who should get presents, not give. Especially for me.” she looks at me angrily, not wanting to accept the box.
"Well, it's my birthday and I'll do what I want, in which case I give it to you." I place the object in her hands. “I wanted to wait until your birthday, but it's still far away and I can't take it.” I lift my shoulders quickly, making her laugh.
Taking advantage of the fact that she was involved with the present, slowly, I move closer to her body, contenting myself with the least contact we have. I notice Marnie hold her breath at the sight of the blue quartz necklace, just like the one she had.
With no more reaction than that, I start to convince myself that I've fucked up and she hated it. It wasn't the time yet, as much as everything was going well, it wasn't the time yet.
“I can't believe you did this.” her voice comes out in a breath in surprise. I let my mind race to our first Christmas, where she gave me my necklace and I gave that star to her.
“If you don't like it…” my voice trails off as I see her eyes watery and filled with joy. It was the right time.
I'm not afraid to advance towards her, covering your lips with mine in a short kiss. The cherry taste becomes my favorite for the rest of the night. Marnie wipes her tears as she calls herself pathetic for crying.
"I know we used it as a dating ring, but it doesn't have to be-”
"Could you put it on for me?" she interrupts me, not caring about my fear. With my hands still trembling and cold, I close the necklace around her neck, enjoying the scene of her smiling enchanted by that stone. “Thanks!”
This time it is she who steps forward, stealing a kiss. The mood changes drastically. The screams outside seem to die in my ears, leaving only silence. The music that used to burst had ceased to exist.
That little kiss breaks, but she doesn't pull away, keeping her forehead still glued to mine. I'm startled when her eyes return to mine, I can see her perfectly there, in front of me, in my arms. I recognize that glow, that look and what it wanted to convey.
It was her there. The reason I get up every morning. The reason that makes me want to be better and better. The person I always want to impress. My girl. My Marnie.
I bring my hand to the back of her neck, bringing our lips together once more. I feel goose bumps as our tongues touch and her hand cups my face, holding me there. If she knew the last thing I want is to run away…
I'm surprised I feel despair on her side. The urgency on her lips. The need for the touch of her hands, the way they ran through my hair, the back of my neck and chest.
Easily, I pull her onto my lap, moaning, feeling her body against mine after so long. The fire that had previously ceased inside me, runs again through my veins, making everything too cloudy. I can't reason whether this was right or not. We both drink too much. She still hasn't given me full openness to so much attitude, even though she's still here, kissing me.
I try for a few minutes to clear my mind, to be a little rational and not get carried away by emotion, but the sound her mouth makes when I touch her neck with my lips ruins whatever train of thought I was building.
I touch the exact spots that make her moan and scramble for more friction. I watch thirstily as her eyes roll back and her lip is bitten in an attempt to control the moans. Her nails scratch the back of my neck, releasing an electric current that migrates between my legs.
I gasp when I feel her rub against my groin, spreading a current throughout my body. I want to beg her to do it again, but it's not really necessary, she knows and she does. So excruciating, but so good. Again I am startled to find that glow that I knew so much. I wonder where this Marnie was all along.
I shove my hand inside her shirt, enjoying her burning skin. I stroke the spot below her bra with my thumb, wanting not to frighten her. I suck the skin under her ear, lapping it with my tongue. My body combusts as she stirs and presses her crotch harder against mine. I cup her breast with enjoyment, hearing her call my name the way I liked it best.
Her desperate hands run inside my jacket, wanting to throw it away. I was ready to help when a heavy knock on the door disrupts our moment.
"What the fuck is it?" anger rips up my throat, causing a very angry scream. So much time to interrupt.
"It's time to cut the cake." I hear Calum's voice and feel like throwing him from the second floor.
“Serious? Stick the cake in your-” two small hands cover my mouth, preventing me from continuing.
“We're on our way, Cal.” Marnie yells louder and breathless.
I watch your body soften, lost and, I fear, even regretful. She is no longer there. She avoids looking at me, perhaps out of shame.
“It was better this way.” her sweet voice comes closer to a whisper.
“Was?” I stare at her, not wanting to accept that I was the only one to feel it. I know I wasn't, because her expression tells me I'm right.
“Was! You know it was.” her tone is still sweet, but her gaze is hard. "I think we'd better go downstairs." she gets up carefully, getting out of bed. I throw my head against my hands, visibly frustrated.
"Go ahead, I need to get both heads in place." I throw my body against the mattress.
“Sorry, Luke.” I can't stand her feeling guilty when she's the biggest victim of all this.
"M&Ms?" I leap out of bed, grabbing her before disappearing through the door. “It's not your fault. I'm the one who lost control, I'm sorry. You didn't give me the opening to attack you like that and I let myself go…” her lips silence me.
“It wasn't anyone's fault, can we do that?” I nod, stealing the last kiss before I let her go. "I'll wait for you downstairs." she announce.
I turn around, heading back to bed, still feeling frustration coursing through my veins.
“Hey!” I turn to see her there, standing in the doorway. My chest races with yearning from the many times I've seen her do the same scene. My ears and heart ache wanting to hear those words that always came next. Those three words that were so beautiful in her mouth. “Thanks for this.” she smiles and leaves.
I stare at the wood, snapping back to reality. I'm such an idiot for thinking she was going to say she loves me. I hide my face, exhausted. I look across the bed, able to see the two of us there, so given to each other.
I replay the scene in my head, tasting her kiss on my lips. Feeling my body tingle, still wanting her touch. The pressure on my pants becomes bigger and more uncomfortable. I need to make this go away. I scramble my mind for many things to calm myself down, but I can't. I can still feel her hands running around the back of my neck and her groin against mine.
"Shit!" I give up, going to the bathroom and locking myself in there. I don't care if I'm late, or what they think. I won't be able to eliminate this with thoughts alone.
I lower my pants and underwear, releasing my already throbbing member. I run my hand over it, making my body vibrate in relief. I let my mind flood with all thoughts and memories with her, feeling my body inflate further.
I increase my speed, being able to feel her touch through my body. I punch the wall, feeling my stomach contract. I rest my forehead against the cool coating, letting out several sighs. Her eyes flash in my mind.
The many times I've seen her face twist in pure orgasm under my touch. That smirk and that vulgar glow she always lets off before pulling me aside. And I always did, like a puppy.
My breathing gets out of control as I reach my orgasm. A wave of relief and lightness overcomes me, along with a wave of guilt. It must have been the 15th time since it all happened.
I can't have her. I can't stand the idea of looking for someone else, even though we are not officially together, so I have to get by with baths and my bare hands, but as a result I feel like the dirtiest human being, as she doesn't even suspect.
I walk down the stairs, not attracting any attention. I find her sitting on the couch, on Leah's lap, laughing at some imitation Ashton was doing. I approach the group, who make no fuss about my delay.
I pick up the bottle of white wine on the coffee table, flipping half the contents. I feel her green eyes burn on me and I don't even have the courage to reciprocate by ignoring her.
“Is everything OK? Sorry if I messed something up.” Hood says next.
“It's OK! In fact, it was better, if you didn't show up, we would have done something stupid.” I say dry.
"Is that why this sour face?" he raises an eyebrow.
"I'm feeling awful for almost bringing her to this and not having the conscience to stop." I reveal a part of the guilt that burns in me.
“Luke, you are not complete strangers. And maybe she really wanted to go further, she just didn't know how. After all, at that moment she was supposed to be your f-”
"I know!" I cut it off, not wanting to hear the rest of the sentence.
For my salvation, someone starts to sing happy birthday and the matter is closed. I open a smile disguising the shit my head was on. Michael puts a little purple hat on my head, blowing a plastic horn, very excited.
The scene makes me laugh, relieving the stress. I watch Leah and Kyleen swing colorful pom poms behind Marnie, who is holding a small cake with several candles.
I look deep into her eyes, noticing her happiness to be there and somehow mine too. After all, she's here, even if she doesn't remember much, she's still here. The accident could have been a lot worse and I could have lost her forever.
I push the damn thoughts away, blowing out the candles and driving everyone crazy. I'm surprised when Marnie leans in, stealing a kiss, not caring that she's in front of everyone. Her rosy cheeks manage to steal a smile far bigger than Michael did.
In the back of the room, I notice Pam with her arms crossed and sulking. I don't know if Marnie did it on purpose, intent on teasing, but something she did, and if Pam is pissed off, we're happy.
The clock was already showing around 5:00 in the morning. I've already fluctuated my alcohol level more times than I can count. While the boys filled me with rum, M&Ms filled me with water and food, afraid I would go into an alcoholic coma or whatever. Of course I took advantage of her concern and all the attention she was giving me.
At some point during the party, Michael took over the DJ's table and there we were, jumping up behind him, singing I Want It That Way at the top of our lungs, with the lost girls trying to do the choreography. That was definitely the best thing about the party, right after my moment with Marnie in the bedroom.
Right after his moment commanding the party's playlist, Clifford decided to climb on the roof to jump into the pool. Something that was already taking a while to happen. What he and no one expected was Marnie yelling at him, worried.
“It's comical, because if it weren't for the amnesia and the lack of alcohol, she would be the one on the roof.” Irwin comments lying beside me, watching the scene of her yelling at Michael, asking him to come down.
“And we called the fire department because she got stuck again.” I shake my head, wanting not to laugh at the memories. “Good times.” I'm toasting my friend, still watching her worriedly behind the older one.
Sitting in the garden, talking to some friends, I watch the girl laughing in a circle with Noah and Calum. She gets up, walking into the house, returning in a few minutes. I watch her come around, stopping behind me.
“Now the one who needs to talk is me.” she whispers in my ear. I don't think twice about taking your hand and heading out of the wheel chat.
I can see a large package in her hands and the idea of being my gift makes me anxious. A little farther away from the mess that remained, she hands me the black box with a gold bow on top. Before opening it, I take a look at her excited smile, letting out a laugh.
I find five rings and three necklaces arranged around the box. I can't hold back the smile, seeing what she's chosen. I know I might look like an idiot for some jewelry, but it's amazing jewelry she picked out.
“You liked?” she bites her lower lip, curious.
“I loved!” I hug your body, thanking her. I know she has no intentions other than to give me a birthday present, but of course I will wear these rings and necklaces with more affection than usual. “Thanks.” I mean, still ecstatic.
Hand in hand, we approached the crowd again, bumping into Kiki, Sophie and Michael.
“We were thinking about going to Michael's house. The party is already boring and I'm hungry.” Kiki comments. I look a little offended at her, after all, that was my birthday party. “Oh! Nothing personal.” she laughs, slapping me on the shoulder.
“What do you think?” I ask the M&Ms, who shrug their shoulders. "Have you talked to the rest?"
“Leah was going to call Noah and Ash, we were going to rescue Calum.”
“OK! We'll get our stuff and meet you at the door.” Marnie agrees and so we disperse.
Still holding hands, we walked back upstairs, looking for her bag. In the kitchen, I grab a bottle of vodka, a tequila, and a whiskey, trying to put everything in my bag, but it doesn't quite work.
“We should take advantage of the gathering and have your liver funeral.” I turn to Marnie who glares at me, seeing three bottles in my arm and me struggling to open one of beer.
Easily, we made our way to the front door, finding Kiki and Sophie. Gradually, everyone arrived and so we left the party, without saying goodbye to anyone.
“Uh, tequila?” Hood comes towards me, hugging the bottle.
Michael's house was the closest and, having drunk too much, we thought we'd better walk.
On the way, we stopped at a bakery, buying a bunch of things to eat. The day was already showing signs of life when we arrived at Mike's house. At the dinner table, we spread out the stolen drinks and food, starting our round table, as well as picking up several board games that Michael kept.
“I wanted to propose a toast to Mr. Luke Hemmings.” Noah draws the toast, making everyone raise their glasses and bottles. “One of the few people worth meeting in this hellish city where you can't trust anyone. The other people are unfortunately not present…”
A shower of paper balls and food flies towards the 20 minutes older twin. I'm surprised when I watch Marnie leave my arms, standing up.
“I also wanted to give a speech.”
“You didn't have to, babe.” I say, shaking her hand that still had our fingers intertwined.
“It's not about you.” she sticks out her tongue, causing everyone to scream.
“Ouch!” I put my hand to my chest, accepting the blow and still feeling my heart race.
“Shut up.” she screams, laughing. “Well, I wanted to make this toast in thanks to all of you. I know it's been three years of friendship, but for me it's only been a month and even with all the confusion and breakup.” her fingers squeeze mine and I move them, giving them a light caress. “You still took me in and took great care of me. I am eternally grateful for that. Leah doesn't even start crying, I need to get this over with and if I cry it's going to go wrong.” the mood breaks a little with the laughter. “Bottom line, I just want to say that whatever the future holds, I like you all a lot and that this isn't just a bunch of crazy friendship the universe threw at me, it's the family I've been looking for. As Noah said, you're the few people worth living in this hell of a city and I love you all so much. Cheers!”
Everyone raises their glasses once more, toasting her speech. I cross my gaze with Leah, who has also noticed something odd. She still hadn't commented on Monday's episode and I still had it hanging around in my mind.
It was very visible that something was troubling her. Her eyes wandering lost, her disappearance since Monday until today, claiming to be super busy and out of time. Everyone was sensing that something was wrong, but she wouldn't let go or comment on it.
“Especially you.” I focus my attention on her, who settles back into my arms. “Regardless of our future, I like you very much.” she whispers, before pressing her lips to mine. “Please never forget that. Promise?”
I get lost in her eyes, noticing a hint of fear and pain in them. It's horrible to see her like this and not know what to do. For nothing in this world I want her to feel unprotected or alone, she said herself that we are a family, so she wouldn't have to face anything alone.
“Only if you promise me you'll tell me what's going on.” I play hard, not caring if this becomes an issue between us, or if it pushes her away a little.
“Luke…” my name comes out in a painful sigh.
"Marnie." I say her name harshly, wanting her to understand that I won't change my mind.
“I'll tell. Just not today. Today is your day and that's what matters to me. So please let's enjoy?” she begs. As always, I surrender, nodding. I drop a kiss to her forehead, before pulling her to my chest again.
Hastings still looks at me suspiciously and unfortunately I only have reason to agree with her. Something was up with Marnie and she didn't want to tell us.
A minute of silence, our baby is turning 25 today and I am not knowing how to handle it.
I walk into the record company, finding a very young guy at the front desk, probably the intern. Encumbered with phone calls and notes, I wait for him to finish everything before speaking. His lost eyes soon find me and he smiles sympathetically.
“Hi Marnie, Luke is in studio three.” he whispers quickly, getting back on the phone.
I smile in thanks, heading down the hallway he's pointed out. I didn't think it would be so easy. The noise coming from behind the door to studio three startles me. The boys are laughing and screaming so loud, it amazes me that no one came to complain.
I knock on the door twice, hard, to try to get their attention over that area. A guy in a cap opens the door, revealing a room with at least eight people inside.
Luke is the first to jump out of his chair, coming over to me, grinning hugely, pulling me into the room. Ash gets up too, following close behind.
“Sorry for interrupting, but I needed to talk to you.” I look at Luke, who agrees. I pull him out of the room as I hear Irwin complain.
"A disregard for my friendship. Before, she used to come here to see me, not to see you, you empty-headed bunch.”
"She never came to see you." Hood opposes.
I ignore the pre school fight, focusing on the tall blonde in front of me. I lean against the wall, letting him get closer.
Luke had spent Friday night with me, taking care of me. We also spent Saturday morning together, just existing on the couch. That was definitely a very good point for both of us and it really strengthened our relationship. It also didn't make him leave my thoughts, earning him the title of the cutest guy I know.
Never would Stephen do that to me, even because when I was bad he didn't even come close, not wanting to “catch my bad energy”.
“You forgot that at home.” I give his coat, trying to hide it was against my will deliver it so easily.
I saw the coat the second Hemmo left the house, but when the perfume enveloped me, I decided for my own good, to just keep it for a little while, spending day and night in it. Luke stares at me with a raised eyebrow before taking the coat from my hands, smiling.
“Funny, I really missed it, but yesterday, I saw it in your stories, so I didn't worry anymore.” I roll my eyes, feeling my cheeks heat up. "Let me enjoy that you still don't hate me today."
“Too late.” I interrupt him, biting my lip.
"I wonder if I can pick you up, so we can go to the Troubadour together."
The boys are playing there today, for the Friends of Friends event, and I was particularly excited, it would be the first time I would see them play live. “First time”.
I wrinkle my forehead and look around, pretending I was thinking about it. Luke looks at me in disbelief, holding back his laughter. I pout, shaking my head.
"I think you can! Yes, you can. I allow.” I press my lips together, wanting not to laugh.
“Oh God, you.” he shakes his head, looking away. I let out my laugh. "Can I pick you up at 7pm? I need to be at the Troubadour at least an hour before the show.”
“Of course! No problems. Go! Now I need to talk to Ash.” I push him back to the door.
“It's about my birthday, isn't it?” he opens an excited smile.
I dissolve my expression, wanting to hit him. Damn it, he knows. I feel the surprise party going straight down the drain, but I don't want to give in to it.
“No! The world doesn't revolve around you, Hemmings.” I cross my arm, teasing him.
“It's about my birthday! Alright, I'm going to pretend I don't know anything.” he takes two leaps into place happily.
“My God, I hate you.” I hide my face, sighing. I can't believe he screwed up his own surprise party.
“Hey.” I hear his voice close. I take my hands away from my face, finding his very close. His lips steal a kiss from me, quickly.
“Go away!” I pick up my bag, hitting him.
Luke walks into the studio laughing, yelling at Ash that I've been waiting. I walk around the hallway, wanting to wipe the stupid smile off my face. I hide my face again, returning to the scene that just happened about 50 times, at least.
“Say it!” Ash approaches.
“I hate him!” I point to the studio, taking a deep breath.
“Of course you do! And the sky is green. I can see how much you hate him, by that silly smile on your face.” Irwin raises an eyebrow.
"Don't make me use my purse against you too." I scare away the latest happenings, focusing on what mattered. "Do you have the ring?" he hands me a silver ring set with a black stone.
“Quickly, because he's already noticed he's gone.” I nod, still analyzing the jewelry.
"I'm going right now and tonight I'll return you at the Troubadour." I keep the piece in my bag. "All set for Friday?" he nodded. "You know he knows, don't you? How did he find out?”
“Behind that stupid face, he's smart sometimes.” I roll my eyes at my friend, laughing. “Seriously, if you pay attention, sometimes it feels like there's an elevator song playing in his head. Especially when he's standing staring at something.” I laugh when Ash decides to imitate Luke, staring blankly at the wall.
“You guys are terrible. Well, I'll be on my way, see you later.” I give a kiss on his cheek.
Thursday is Luke's birthday and I, more than anyone, want it to be a perfect day. Also, I want to give him a nice present that somehow doesn't involve my body, as I apparently did before.
Searching the internet, I found a store in east LA that sold some jewelry that I thought would be to his taste. I was going after a box with five rings and three necklaces, which looked like they were made for Luke.
If I could, I would advance the time, just to give the gift soon. I just want to see his face and hope he likes it the way I think it will.
I walk past reception, waving goodbye to the poor receptionist who still seemed tangled up with the phones. Interns.
"Marnie?" I turn around when I hear my name. The man in the dress shirt, who had just passed me, approaches smiling.
“Yes?” I look at him confused.
“Of course, you don't remember. Sorry! I'm John, 5sos’ tour manager. How are you?”
“Oh! I'm great, thanks.” I soften my posture. Being Luke's girlfriend, I must have seen John a thousand times.
"It was quite a scare. I'm relieved you're okay.” I smile gratefully at the concern. "Would you have a minute for us to talk?"
Luke pov.
I lean against the car, waiting for Marnie to get out. I take a deep breath, trying not to let the anxiety get the better of me. We've practically spent the weekend together, we're getting closer, she's letting her guard down with every second we spend together, letting me fight to win her back, and yet here I am, shaking like a stick, as if it was the first time we went out together.
"Pathetic!" I say to myself, not accepting being like this.
We dated for two years, it's not like she was a stranger. I know her better than she does. I already know everything she likes, how she's going to react to every move I make and even then, I'm terrified of doing something wrong.
When I realized I was falling in love again with every detail of her, I didn't think that insecurity would come back with it. In fact, I thought it would be better than the first time, that I would be more confident and secure. But it’s Marnie I'm talking about, she eliminates any security and logic in me.
I twirl the little ring through my fingers, noticing how cold and sweaty my hand was. Yes, that human being not five feet tall, can mess with me.
I hear the door unlock, prompting me to put the ring away quickly. Marnie steps in front of me, walking around with open arms. I give her the dumbest smile.
“So? Am I OK?” she stretches out her Friends of Friends hoddie proudly.
"You look spectacular." I sigh, feeling my heart race.
"Not really, it was a little old thing that was in the back of my closet." she laughs, sounding like her mother last week. I blink a few times, trying to disguise the stupid face I must be making.
“You really look fantastic.” I say before holding her body against mine. I sink my nose into her neck, taking in all of her scent, letting into my bloodstream, fueling the butterflies in my stomach, along with the touch of her skin against mine, even with the clothes between us.
I ease my grip, releasing her, but her body remains pinned to mine and she pulls me back, squeezing me tighter. The action takes me by surprise. Not that I didn't want to hold her, I could live the rest of my life here, in her arms. But that indicated something was wrong.
“Is it everything OK?” I whisper, overcome with worry. Marnie just nods, affirming, or rather lying to me. She's not fine.
Her body pulls away and I see a sad glint in her eyes. My body tenses, seeing that fake smile take her lips, unlike the one she gave just minutes ago. My face hardens, realizing she was acting.
“Marnie…” I start my speech to say that she could tell me anything, but she interrupts me.
“We're late, we need to go. Let's go!” she dodges around me, heading for the car door.
I sigh, seeing that I won't be able to get anything out of her today. As far as I know, she doesn't want to spoil the night and will hold it off until the end. I hate when she does that. Keep everything to herself, without the slightest need, we can share the problem and even the pain, that's what a couple does, they support each other.
We left the building, taking the expressway to get there faster. Marnie babbles about her excitement to see the band play live. Normally, I love to hear and see her talk too much. Seeing her eyes flashing rapidly, her tongue getting tangled up in some difficult word, or seeing her start to laugh before she can get the funny part out. Her clumsy hands, moving quickly until she managed to drop something.
But now, I can only move my head automatically, still with my mind on her bad performance from before. Until this morning everything was fine, she was excited and happy. Until minutes ago she was happy. But now it's just a facade covering something I can't quite make out what it is.
She didn't argue with Leah, because the gossip didn't get through to me, and I'm sure Noah would have let me know by now, so we can set the process for the two of them to make up. I didn't see anything on the internet that could have messed with her. Unless something happened during the photo shoot.
"Luke?" I look quickly at her, who was looking at me amused. “Are you OK?” now she was the one asking.
“Yeah! Sorry, I daydreamed a bit. Thinking about everything I need to do getting there. What did you say?” I try to push my worry away, focusing solely on her, which is what I cared about.
"I asked if you're going to play my song?" my cheeks heat up. She knows?
"What song?" I question carefully.
“The one made for me, Amnesia.” I stop at the light, staring at her mischievous smile. This one is not fake.
"You didn't make that joke." I say disappointed. Marnie laughs beside me. “I refuse to accept that you made such a horrible joke. Marnie, you were not like that.” I shake my head.
“It was good, you can't deny it.” she pulls my hand into her lap. I freeze from the movement, feeling my skin tingle.
“It was terrible and it insults me somehow. I taught you wonderful jokes.” her fake, forced laugh catches my attention as I accelerate.
"I hear your jokes are horrible." I look quickly at her, who's sitting sideways, her head leaning back against the bench. Shit, she is so beautiful.
“This is a huge lie.” her laugh fills the car again.
The mood gets better the rest of the way. I still have my mind hammering at that moment, but I leave it for later, as she probably would. We entered through the back of the Troubadour, meeting everyone in the hallway and dressing room.
I hold her hand, pulling her close to me as we walk into the crowd. As I expected, M&Ms become the center of everything, everyone wants to say hello to her and see if she really was okay. I leave her for a few seconds in everyone's company, pulling Ashton and Leah aside.
"Do you guys know if something happened to Marnie?" They deny it. "Didn't you discuss?"
“No! In fact, I'm missing it.” Leah turns her face away, watching M&Ms laugh among the crowd. “What there was?” she looks at me again. I resume the scene for the two of them.
“She was fine when she left the record company.” Ash reinforces my thinking.
"I didn't know anything about today's photo shoot." Leah adds. "You don't think Stephen might have shown up again, do you? Or even that bitch? Bethany?” I shake my head.
Stephen had to be really, really dumb to show up to Marnie after she said she knew everything. And Bethany never tried to talk to her after what happened, I doubt she would try now.
“I'm sure she doesn't want to say anything yet so as not to spoil the night, we know how she is.” Leah rolls her eyes, she also hates such an attitude. “But later on, she might tell what happened and right away it will be with one of the three of us.”
"If she says anything later, I'll talk to you." Hastings warns.
I thank the brunette, who quickly rejoins Marnie. I watch her extend her still-in-a-cast arm for them to sign in the few empty spaces.
I quickly prepare for the show so I can stay with her for a few more seconds before taking the stage. I position myself behind her, who was sitting on the arm of the sofa, letting her body lean against mine. I watch for her hand moving up to her shoulder, placing it under mine. I drop a kiss to her pink hair, watching her lean her head back further, looking up at me with a beautiful smile.
Shit, I'm so in love with her.
Minutes after a lot of mess, we got ready for the stage. Marnie comes to me before running to their place. I adjust the guitar, opening my arms to her, who comes bouncing.
"How much have you had to drink?" I ask, laughing, looking at her rosy cheeks.
“Just a little.” It hangs around my neck. “I promise not to pick a fight with anyone." she laughs.
“Thanks! I feel more relaxed.”
“Good show!” she wish me, stealing a kiss like I did earlier.
Marnie escapes my arms like sand, running to the door and running away hand in hand with Leah. I rub my face hard, not accepting how she can move me so much.
I approach the guys, doing our circle like every time we go on stage.
The lights blind me for a few seconds and soon I can see that sea of people ecstatic to see us there. Ashton takes the lead, thanking everyone in advance for their presence and explaining why we're there.
I position myself at the microphone, ready to start singing Youngblood. Before I give the cue, I look upstairs, seeing her cotton candy hair watching me with a mixture of admiration and sadness. I blink at her, who smiles lightly and without strength. I play the chord, trying to focus my attention on the show and the new song I'm going to sing for her next, but all that goes around my head is: What's going on, Marnie?
