detailed SA reckoning
I initially approached her by acknowledging that my psychotic bpd behavior was fully abusive and that my intent did not matter and the impact was verbal and emotional abuse. I had delusional hope that her response would be to address the SA in kind and acknowledge that it was SA regardless of whether she intended to do harm or not. Of course this didn't happen and she never brought it up on her own. I was upset and told myself it would just take time.
I approached it again later by saying there were things we still needed to talk about. When I asked if there was anything she needed to talk about she didn't bring it up but asked if I needed to talk about something. I approached it by taking responsibility for her words pre SA by saying "well I know that as far as the "why don't we try and if you keep crying we'll stop", I was refusing to understand what you really meant which was tomhat I was clearly conflicted so if while trying we could stop at any time-" and she cut me off to say "That night has followed me and I think it's one of the cruelest things I've ever done." ...... but yet she never brought it up on her own. And waited for me to quote what she had said to me, showing that I did in fact remember it, before even acknowledging it. She said she just "wanted so badly to experience some human connection".
The SA had consisted of her words of "why don't we try and if you keep trying we'll stop" (communicating clearly to me that the experience she wanted was more important to her than visible confusion about whether it was what I wanted), us going upstairs, me problem solving in my head "well maybe if I just do things for her it will be fine and I won't have to even get touched" and just kind of doing that, and repeatedly pushing her hands off of me while she repeatedly put them back on/inside me arguing "I want to please you too" and refusing not to touch me and me having to experience yet another god damn nightmare of me removing someone's hands from me while they force their hands back anyway, until my brain literally shut down and I was just like I can't believe this is happening again, and her fingering me without my consent after I many times removed her hands, followed by her saying "well you're not even wet, so you aren't enjoying it so we can just stop" and me being basically in a fugue state and just being like "ok are you sure" and her saying yes and me saying sorry at least twice and her saying "it's okay" and i could not sleep and never forgot anything.
She continued on the phone while discussing it "my worst fear has been that you would consider what happened to be something akin to a kind of rape."
She said it wasn't fair because I likely couldn't separate my decision to try to have sex from my "feelings for" her since I had been in full blown insanity about "being in love" with her previously to this situation. She said that was the problem with what she did.
Zero mention or acknowledgement of the real problem which was that she did subject a person to non consensual sex by first communicating to them verbally with the "why don't we try and if you keep crying we'll stop" that their comfort with the whole thing was secondary to her desire to have an experience and then literally refusing to keep her hands off of and out of them when they repeatedly pushed her away until they literally gave up and just stopped moving.
I felt such a relief wave from her even feeling sorry for what she did in any way at all, when she finally acknowledged it because I brought it up, with revisionist history regarding why what she did was wrong, that I said that it could be ok now because we had talked about it. I reassured her that "well what's important is that when you felt that I wasn't enjoying it you stopped and that's what matters" because in the like euphoric delusion of a solved trauma I was so excited to wrap it up and have it be over. She said thank you.
I kept wondering for days why I crashed after that call and felt so weird and sad and sick and abnormal and it took a long time to say to myself ok well, if a man said and did the things she had said and did, what would I call that? Sexual assault. And if it happened to her at the hands of a man what would she call that? Sexual assault. And if a man said the problem with what he did was that it wasn't fair since I had had feelings for him, would that be taking responsibility for sexual assault? No, it would be revisionist history and gaslighting to avoid his own shame by lessening what he did from a physical violation to an emotional one. And if I called her and told her about a man doing this to me and then saying when finally confronted that the problem with what he did was that it was emotionally unfair because I had had feelings for him, how would she likely respond? Angrily and with disgust against him and his imaginary world where he was not a person who sexually assaulted another person. And when it happened did it feel like when men have sexually assaulted me? Yes. And did it have the same effects like dreams anxieties neuroses shame nausea confusion self harm and further fetishization of my own nonconsent as when men have sexually assaulted me? Yes. If my little sister told me her female friend said and did this to her would I call it sexual assault? Yes. And the hardest thing was, is it actually impossible (the way I've been telling myself and trying to force myself to accept that it's impossible) that someone who has themselves been subjected to sexual assault did in fact subject me to sexual assault? No and that is very strange.
But I think that's why Barbarian triggered me the way it did, it showed that guy truly believing he did nothing wrong and telling himself stories about how it wasn't rape. Like the story she tells herself about how it wasn't emotionally fair because I had feelings for her, but it wasn't sexual assault. It was just something she deeply feared I would consider to be "something akin to a kind of" rape. People who do this aren't always doing it out of malice and laughing in your face when it's happening sometimes they just share the one common denominator of functionally prioritizing their desired experience or at least attempt to achieve the desired experience over the consent of the other person. I moved her hands so many times just like I moved his and his and his and ad infinitum and just like all of them she put them back and put them back and put them back and I quit. And hilariously the fact she could feel I wasn't wet when she fingered me against my will was how she realized this wasn't going to be the experience she wanted, not the fact that I kept trying to keep her from doing so. If this were a man I would call him a rapist and I would be correct.
It's over now and I gave myself the closure I needed instead of needing it from her. I don't think she's capable as a person of acknowledging what she did. That is sad and it hurts but I can't care about that because putting it in someone else's hands will never bring any peace. I just need to move on and be like ok well I've sat with it and I'm not in denial anymore and it is what it is and it isn't special or different just because it was a woman I trusted instead of a man I did not know/trust, it's literally just more of the same. Nothing has changed except my no longer making concessions or excuses for her or saying reality is impossible because if it happened to her how could she do it to someone else. It's fine and it will be fine. I don't want or need any contact or any closure from her I just want to be away and move on from the confusion of it all and just close that door permanently. It's fine.
Everything is and will be fine and all my particles finally feel on the same page and I don't have that split existence about what happened anymore and it is all over and all okay. Good.
3/27/26 doing better and actually working through it in therapy and am at a place where I can call it rape instead of that weird experience that felt like rape and gave me rape trauma so progress exists. my psych is helpful and doesn't pressure to forgive and doesn't disagree that rape is unforgivable which is real of her. feeling better but also sad for past me when I remember how sad it was after and how gaslit I was and how gross it felt and how she tried to make it into a flip of reality. staying sober helps I def associate drinking and getting high with it. it'll be ok and it's getting better and I think that it will keep getting better. I have the rec so I can't feel confused again. she will never be on me again or be near me again or be able to affect or exist in orbit to me again. it is fully over and she will live with herself and who she is and she knows, she knows I know, and she knows I know that she knows etc, and while she only really cares about what she can convince people of because for vile people like her that replaces reality, she knows. one day it won't be anything to me at all and I'll be away from it forever just like the men who did the same. it's done and it's ok. I am allowed to just leave it. I can leave it in the dust and never ever experience it again.🤍
3/29/26 big little lies s2 "is this woman wrong when she says he raped her?" "she is mistaken." If they can't say you're lying they say you're somehow wrong about it you're mistaken you're just mistaken you're mistaken you're incorrect you're mistaken. Or it was your fault which is also great. It's your own fault they did it or some variation of you asked for it or you're mistaken that they did it at all. Never just they did it and it was rape and they're a rapist and that's the end of it. Not possible for idk what reason. I feel sick abt that as someone who has been openly accountable for being abusive and behaving in psychotic ways.
5/11/26 yeah I had wondered so hard in the initial conversation when she had still not acknowledged what she did but I was taking accountability and calling my behavior abusive, why is she so argumentative about my calling it abusive? That makes no sense. Yes it does though because if she acknowledged my abusive behavior as abusive she would have to acknowledge the rape she subjected me to as rape. Of course she couldn't do that. I was such a fucking idiot.
6/4/26 in obsession when she freaks out and pulls away because she clearly doesn't want it and he just waits for her to calm down and then continues. Yeah there it is
