Sometimes
Life revolves around of series of choices The choices you make and the choices of others 9 years ago, I tried to take my own life. Pills and thoughts failure. Health on the decline and no end in sight. Only pleasure came from the pain I gave myself. 7 years ago, I got better. And chose a life that I thought would make me better and it did for awhile. I was happy for the most part. I was worrying about myself and not a mother who was in need of Constant protection. Who hated me for picking a life with more structure and more stability. Leaving a life where at 16 I made sure my sister ate most nights and I left her cause I finally chose to put myself first. 6 years ago I had amazing friends and met a boy who I was sure I would spend the rest of my life with. But I still hurt myself I felt worthless. With past that I had found out was filled with lies and deceit. 4 years ago, a month after I graduated high school and a month before my 19th birthday. The best thing in the world happened to me. I was going to be a mom with a man I was so happy to call mine. A daughter, who was my health Survivor who made me realized how badly I wanted to live. 3 years ago, I left the man I thought I loved. The father of my child, the family I had always known. My world spiraled a little. Drink and smoking. Also don't forget fucking anything that would welcome me into their beds. 2 years ago. I came into my own sexuality. Dated and fucked girls and guys alike. Thought I found love twice but failed once and fucked over more times then ever. I found out the true meaning of what humans could do. Realizing what abuse was like. Realizing that not everyone can be trusted. Not realizing until it's too late that you only had 1 beer that night and maybe 1 shot. Realizing that you didn't want that, you didn't deserve what happened to you. That the poor choices of other left it hard to trust anyone ever again. I don't remember it but I know it happens and to this day it makes me feel sick. Sometimes I see you on others Snapchat stories and sometimes I want to scream at the people that told you that you were just a slut and got what you deserved. Blocking you everywhere did nothing cause I still get scared when I walk though an aisle that you will be waiting right there on the other side. I can't face you and I'm so scared for the day that I have to. Now I have an amazing man who I know would never hurt me. Tells me everyday how important and special I am. He doesn't find me as damaged goods. Just as a women who choices had lead him to me. No matter how much pain and suffering I have been dealt, he still choice me. Like I said, life is full of choices. Some others make for you and most you make yourself. Now a days, I choose to be happy. I choose a positive route. Somedays it's not easy but with my family at my back and the love of friends... I know that it's going to be ok. I know it will be ok. I am loved and everything will be better. Life revolves around choices and I choose to me happy. I deserve to be happy and I can honestly say that I am.
