I'm starting to feel like shit again.
It was nice to come home for the summer and be in a familiar place and not have any pressure for a while but now I'm almost in a worse place. I usually get annoyed with myself when I'm home for a long stretch of time because I fall into old, terrible habits that are most of the things that I used to hate about myself. Now it's a combination of that and a crippling fear of anything new because for whatever reason right now everything new in any way = scary as fuck. So I'm stuck in a rut that I hate and my anxiety is keeping me too afraid to do anything about it.
On a happier note, I have been avoiding binge eating for the most part (only succumbed once in the past month) and I've been keeping myself on a good exercise schedule so I've managed to drop 4 pounds. I can also do real push-ups now without using my knees, so that's good. My music for my summer program is going fine as usual. I really like it because they gave me the fun stuff.
BUT the bad thing about the summer program is that I'm getting anxiety about it in all kinds of other ways. Stupid shit, too. Will I figure out how to grocery shop appropriately? Will I be able to go to the store when I need to even though I don't have a car? How will laundry stuff work? Will I basically end up half-starving myself like I did at the last program I did because I never had enough space to myself or people I felt close enough to to eat in front of without feeling too self-conscious? Is my level of preparation good enough for them? How the fuck do you pack more than one nice dress to take on an airplane? How does the whole luggage thing work on airplanes anyway because I've actually never taken more than the two bags I can carry on with me??
There's plenty of other stuff but, I mean, point made. It's so stupid, though. It's like my fear of talking on the phone. Once I had to start doing it for a retail job, I got better at it but there are still situations where I literally cannot talk on the phone without hyperventilating.
I feel like there's just a lot of crap going on in my head right now and I should be taking this time to fix it but instead I've just been avoiding it completely - which was fine up until this point where now it's just totally spilling out of me and it's obvious that that's what the result would eventually be but I did it anyway. It's so fucking hard to get myself to do what I need to to get in a good mental place and I haven't even been able to take my antidepressants for two weeks because I fell out of it and the nausea during the first week on them kind of makes it worse - even though I know that it's worth it after that.
And then that just leads me to the thought that maybe I'm not cut out for my chosen career path because my head is just too fucked-up to handle the pressure and stress of it all. Which is totally self-destructive and stupid because giving it up would be a waste of so much time, dedication, and love, not to mention tens of thousands of dollars that I and my family didn't have in the first place.
And I wish that I just had someone who lived nearby. From high school or from Baldwin Wallace because I've never felt closer to anyone in my life than those wonderful people and I'm so fucking lonely all the time but I can't bring myself to call them because I'm afraid it will remind them all how shitty I am at keeping in touch and that they'll be mad at me.
Plus my sleep schedule is completely fucked up but I can't manage to fix it. I manage to fall asleep anywhere between 4-8am and wake up anywhere between 2-4pm. I even stayed up a whole night once just to see if it would make me tired enough to fall asleep at a decent hour. Nope. Couldn't make myself fall asleep til 3am. W. T. F.
So yeah. This was sure a cheery first post after, what, a year. But I guess I had nowhere else to explode all this so...here it is.
