thoughts & poems

this is Jules I'm 26 and from Germany. I like telling stories. some could be aggressive or depressing watch out!

[goblinmagic]

I wanna kiss you softly so that you never want to feel anything else.

I wanna hold you in my arms so tight but gentle that you forget sadness even exists.

the way you give me that smile

kills me every time

be mine be mine be mine

Jules

[goblinmagic]

I hope I'm gone in the morning

don't tell mom it never stopped

it never changed, it just got boring

I got all of you brainwashed

Jules

[goblinmagic]

I get it now

Why there's so many love songs

about aching hearts

ripped into tiny little parts

before it even started

and still left you brokenhearted

Jules

[goblinmagic]

I want to drown you in love

but you rather drown in sadness

trying to hold your head above

above depression and madness

you hit my heart when you get bitter

when i want to take care of you and help

and easily your words could make my world shatter

but I'd rather drown with you too than to love anyone else

Jules

[goblinmagic]

painted my nails drew on little hearts as details shaved my body, it took days to look like a fairytale

hours of make up and curling my hair i thought we were going somewhere half naked hes just standing there with holes in his underwear

-jules

[whattheduckjules]

the storm

you came into my mind again

and the thought of you was messing with my brain

I sat down to play the piano and soothe myself with Chopin

I was hoping that Frédéric's pieces in minor could ease the pain

so I started playing his preludes op. 28

but I still felt nervous, as if I stood in flames

so i thought maybe a quick smoke would stop me from going insane

even if a storm is blazing outside and they've closed every track for trains,

and the flood is rushing down the windowpane,

it's always possible to somehow smoke a cigarette, even in the pouring rain

and as I'm sitting there shaking and enraged,

I wonder who's the wilder hurricane

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

no one is listening //error 404

I told you I was numb unapproachable and you insisted to talk about feelings

but I didn't really care

I was more interested in the ceiling

than the emotions you share

and I can't follow your speaking and what you are meaning

so I just sit there and stare

you get annoyed so you're leaving

I didn't even notice you went elsewhere

because I was busy

being dead inside and unaware

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

kill yourself or get over it

I know life is tough, difficult and hard

and full of shit

you could think about a new start

or making it quit

stop telling me about your problems you retard

so just kill yourself or get over it

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

oh no I got hurt (again)

I was looking for you to give my heart some love but it turned out to be a shot

then I pushed a lot of toilet paper in the hole of my heart

you wrote it effortlessly in a text message in the middle of my shift

I couldn'tbelieveit, we had such a perfect start

and it was an unpredictable split

I was so naive and as the consequence I got hurt

I thought what we had could turn into a relationship

that's why it hit me terribly hard

I really assumed together we'd make it

now you've left nothing behind but input for my art

and when I pulled out the toilet paper it was covered with shit

I really believed you would stick around

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

a living grave

this morning I woke up crying

and I knew this would be one of those days again

those days, where you're tired of fighting

thoughts of suicide are flooding your brain

and you think about to quit trying

and how to kill yourself quickly without any pain

It feels like someone multiplied gravity

when just the state of being alive is exhausting

and even breathing feels heavy

you're hollow inside and feel nothing

and you're bored because you're kinda used to it lately

It's hard not to swallow a handful of your pills

and you're exhausted of existing

as if you're running uphill

and you're looking up on the Internet how to tie a sling

or if it hurts if you throw yourself in a sawmill

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

arm's length

we were standing on your balcony under the starry sky

and smoked cigarette after cigarette

this was the perfect time

to tell you my little secret

that you're the one I really like

but I chocked on my words so I didn't say a thing

and as you took my hand I felt ashamed

that's when I noticed I can't cope with romantic feelings

no even worse, I'm afraid

and I can't talk about feelings without cracking a joke

feeling guilt and acting immature

comedy is my protection shield, that's my mechanism to cope

I can't allow myself being vulnerable and because of my avoidant behaviour I react with misplaced humour

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

Food food food

I hope I'll be stronger one day

hoarding food I'll never eat

I tell myself to throw it all away

fasting all day, binging food all night, its guaranteed

and I'm getting scared when I start feeling hungry

I can't hold myself back when I'm alone

after I impulsively bought snacks it triggers me deeply

to the point I think I shouldn't have food at home

and when there's no sweets left I'm getting absurdly creative

I eat to silence my negative emotions

I'm afraid one day my body will grow big and massive

I know what I'm starving for all day and why I'm skipping meals with devotion

I can't stop thinking about food all the ducking time

it haunts me when I eat and it haunts me when i starve

it stalks me in my dreams all through the night

as if my obsession about food would bring me an award

I think about what to eat next while I'm still eating

after hearty I must have something sweet

a weird precept I believe in

and after sweet comes hearty again it's an endless repeat

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

Hannah

she's so caring and sweet

last night when I couldn't sleep,

she read harry potter to me

and that helped much better than counting sheep

in the morning before my shift started early

she got up with me at three,

even tho she could continue sleeping just to make me some coffee

then i was sure she's the one I want to keep

she's so adorable

when everything seems like a nightmare and I feel horrible,

she's trying to make me feel comfortable

and when she opens her arms for me to lay down and cuddle

with her by my side I feel more stable

because when my feelings are overwhelming and I'm unapproachable again, she keeps being gentle

I'm glad she's durable

because when I go through depression, everything appears heavy and terrible

Hannah, you're a miracle

she's so handsome

she makes me laugh on bad days, she's so fun

and with her by my side it's not that cold this autumn

I think I like her more than anyone

I don't expect her to but she cares when I'm done

I refused her help but she stayed patient and strong

she easily solves like every problem

how did I find someone this awesome

Hannah, I know to whom I belong

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

dating game

I know you're not the one but I still keep holding on to you

I'm egoistic and I don't want to be alone

and you think it's just us two

but I keep the other guys unknown

maybe that's an issue

no I know it's ducking wrong

I still continue

however, as I see it written on paper I'm getting a little torn

I'm just trying to find the right dude

searching for the one

overwhelmed by too many conversations and that's why they were loose and because of that, they kept other options too

and of course these guys found someone

in return i got to be the lonely fool.

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

a dash filthiness

i know why I keep him distant and it feels like he's nothing more than a friend

I wish he was special

but sometimes when he speaks, I notice little red flags and I've learnt,

that he's not an angel

and he reminds me of charles bukowskis notes of a dirty old man

because sometimes what he's telling is disgusting and painful

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

load and burden

you said you're there for me but I don't believe you

it's not your purpose to make me happy

so I'm hiding alone in bedroom

it's not your load to carry

don't try to pick me up when I have fallen

don't think you can fix me

it's not your job to listen, to make me stop crying

you're not my diary

i don't want to be a burden so please you can stop calling

don't put effort into drowning out my sadness

and don't make it your mission

you shouldn't clean my mess

hold back your ambition

it's my job to take care of my own self

and not your liability

to offer your help

it's my business to keep my sanity

you're not responsible for my wellbeing

when i long for being alone

when I'm sad I keep it a secret

because that's not what you're there for

-Jules

[whattheduckjules]

The truck

I nearly died this morning and I didn't care

and as the truck drove right towards me, the pace of my heart didn't change

then I realised I'm nor afraid to die, that was very clear

I felt nothing and now that I think about it, it seems a bit strange

because the truck came closer and I was relaxed when I really should have been scared

and now I got aware that maybe I want to die

that I wouldn't run away if death knocked on my door

I wouldn't even sigh

I'm not frightened anymore

I'd welcome him with open arms and not a bit terrified

and go with him voluntary if he calls

I was ready to die and sad I survived, I feel betrayed

it was so close but death lied

-Jules