Umineko somehow manages to get 90% of the way to each individual part of this description without technically fitting any of it.
semi-linear - Each episode of Umineko follows a different path through the events of october 4th to 6th 1986. Each episode is linear on it's own, but taken together they form a non-linear perspective of those two days.
murder mystery - The story revolves around Ushiromiya Battler trying to solve the murders of his family. But it also plays around with genre conventions enough that one could argue it doesn't actually fit in the mystery genre.
whose gameplay - While Umineko does encourage the reader to read actively, take notes, and formulate their own theories alongside Battler, it is, for the most part, no more interactive than any other mystery novel. (Though I would be prepared to argue that mystery novels constitute a type of puzzle game.)
consists of solving middle-school "who lives in the blue house?" style verbal logic puzzles, - Fox and sheep river crossing puzzles appear at several points, and episode 8 features an extended grab bag of other brain teasers and logic puzzles. This segment is one of the only interactive parts of the game, so if one discounts the other 95% that is just reading and thinking, most of Umineko's interactive gameplay does consist of such logic puzzles. In the larger non-interactive portions, many of the mysteries are resolved with wordplay and formal logic, rather than realistic detective work, giving them the air of logic puzzles more than crime scenes.
except every time you guess wrong a mean bisexual MILF makes fun of you. - Beatrice, a mean bisexual milf, makes fun of Battler when HE guesses incorrectly. He does fill the audience surrogate role, and many readers find that their theories align closely with Battler's, and they feel like Beatrice is making fun of them.
So, all together, Umineko does not actually have a single one of the above features except by misleading technicalities. But it gets close enough to each of them that It would be entirely understandable for someone who hadn't read it in a while to misremember it as checking off every single one.
Regardless, I think anyone who was excited to read the hypothetical visual novel described by OP would most likely enjoy Umineko.
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