—So wait, was the guy who hanged himself in the intro *also* a hallucination, or is that some weird coincidence?
—lol’d internally at her having a degree in symbology. Dan Brown would be proud!
—Um, yeah, I’m sure an ancient Aramaic poem rhymes when translated into English.
—Distressingly little actual catacombs on-screen — I knew it was all filmed there, but I figured more of it would be *set* there. Still, the few scenes earlier on were cool, having been there twice myself before!
—So are the creepy pale woman/guy with the notebook ghosts? Demons? Is it, like, they want to lure people into hell, or just punish them for wanting to go there? The Wikipedia summary said that Zed guy was actually dead the whole time or something, but I thought that creepy kid was Petey when I first saw him, so that totally went over my head. And then I guess the Mole guy *became* a ghost but also went crazy like that guy from Ghost Hunters who fell down the elevator shaft… also, did he like teleport out of the movie, or were they just too afraid to go after him after he killed Siousie?
—I was both afraid and secretly hoping the Templar Knight guy would come back to life.
—So if they don’t reach the “official” gates of hell until about halfway through, then what was all that supernatural stuff before? Pre-hell? The driveway of hell?
—And if they can’t escape from hell unless they confront/accept/whatever the things they’re ashamed of in their life, then what's up with the people in the team that just got randomly killed? I’m not saying hell needs to have a logic to how it tortures people, but Pap got sucked into the car and got a traditional lower-circle burial, then the cameraman got pushed down a hole, I think the Putty Patrol got somebody else, and the other three just got visually tormented a lot.
—I thought a creepy guy in a black hood in a wooden chair sitting silently in the middle of a dark cave deep underground was the creepiest thing I’d ever seen… and then he floated up in a cloud of smoke and disappeared. If I ever get a good night’s sleep again, I’ll let you know.
—Your free trial of the Philosopher’s Stone has expired. To purchase the full version, please go on the most terrifying backtrack since Metroid Prime 2.
—I really did enjoy the movie overall, though! Great mix of Indiana Jones, Tomb Raider, and a survival horror game—derivative and laden with plot holes at times, but I say see it (implying you’d have read this far if you hadn’t already, though)
