Dreamed I got into a knife fight with three raccoons outside of a Wendy’s parking lot.
I lost cause I kept screaming “those little hands”.
Dreamed I got chased by a large, multi-headed snake that had mouths full of human teeth instead of fangs.
I got bit a lot cause it had a horrible southern accent and kept saying, “these here are my bitin’ teeth”.
Dreamed I made a living as a Finger Saleswoman™.
Just, I sold fingers. My own fingers. I’d cut them off, package them up, and sale them and then they’d grow back. It was an endless cycle of finger cutting/regrowth.
I had an entire store front filled with my own fingers. I’m not sure if it was a bakery or like a cell phone store kind of thing but it was an entire storefront/business.
It was, I shit you not, called The Fingerhut.
Dreamed my hair could talk.
You ever been read for filth by your own ass hair?
I have. It was not pleasant.
It had a lot to say about my life choices and, oddly enough, income taxes.
Dreamed I was a preacher overseeing a funeral.
I ended the service by going,
“Rest in Reese Pieces” and upending a 5 gallon bucket of Reese Pieces into the open grave.
Dreamed I ran a shark amusement part.
There were shark attractions, shark themed foods, and even shark petting.
Main attraction was, for some reason, a megalodon.
It … did not end well.
Dreamed Oscar Wilde came to visit me.
He clapped me on the shoulder, went, “ah my good bitch” and then disappeared.
There were rose petals.
I’m pretty sure I was visited by his spirit in my sleep.
Dreamed I was making macaroni and cheese.
I forgot to strain the macaroni before I put in the cheese.
The police showed up, broke down my back door, slapped the pot off the stove, and took me to macaroni jail.
I remember being horrified because I don’t look good in that shade of yellow.
Dreamed I was cooking Fruit Loops on the stove and the smoke alarm went off.
All the smoke detectors in the house came skittering towards me on these long black spider legs while blaring Toto’s Africa on full blast.
I tried to beat them back with the spoon.
It … didn’t work.
Dreamed that Fall Out Boy had a new song called Goodies.
The entire song and music video revolved around these little red sphere candies called Goodies.
And I am 100000% sure they were, for some ungodly reason, the red parts off of a Mr. Mime.
Dreamed I was, for some unholy reason, an Improv Comic for The Empire.
Not sure, exactly, what kind of Empire it was but I do know that I was 1000000% certain I’d be publicly executed if I did a poor job.
So I traveled around and did all kinds of shows in increasingly shitty and bizarre places/circumstance/conditions.
Dreamed that I was at the mall and Idris Elba blew it up so he could rob the Pandora store, which, for some reason, was selling waaaay better jewelry than it should have been.
On the way out, looking all rumpled and carrying like a duffel bag of diamonds, he gave me a massive ruby ring and smoldered in my general direction.
All I could do was stare up at him and go “but I haven’t even seen Hobbs & Shaw yet”
