I think I've known what family was supposed to feel like all of my life. I think I've felt it before a number of times... But, sometimes, it's easy to forget what it feels like when you're drowning in negative circumstances.
I am the black sheep of my family. I am the rebel, the LGBTQ+, the angsty punk, and I get my temper from both sides. I am of Scotch-Irish and Nordic descent, and have a bad habit of getting mouthy when wronged or in defense of people I care about; I'm more likely to bark and growl than bite, though I could put up a fight if I tried or wanted to.
When you live your life navigating between gaslights, once you learn the toxicity and patterns behind them, you eventually learn that you can leave them alone. I have a lot of patience for unacceptable behavior (to an unhealthy extent), but sooner or later the buck stops. I've been teetering the edge of this cliff for nearly a decade... whether I would allow myself to fall and land on the jagged rocks below my feet, or whether I would turn the other way and not look back.
My biggest struggle with overcoming my PTSD, anxiety, and learned "people-pleaser" nature, was learning to ignore people trying to guilt trip me into not turning away. No matter what experiences I could have shared with them, even if they witnessed the degrading speech toward me themselves, it was often the same.
"Blood is thicker than water!" they would cry.
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
My path isn't for everyone. But let me assure you that I am richer for the steps I've taken.
I believe I was desperate for making friends throughout my life not just because I was ostracized for my abnormalities, but also because I wanted a genuine acceptance. I wanted to stop being told to bury myself, hide myself, disguise myself. I wanted to be wholly me, and no one but me. Over the years, I had many friends come and go, and a handful of them were positive influences on my life, even if we didn't stick with each other through later years. I don't know that I ever thanked them properly for helping me recognize passive aggressive language and manipulation tactics. For allowing me to start finding pieces of my puzzle.
The end of 2009 started an amazing journey of meeting new people that I never knew I would stay so close to. Again, people have come and gone, and there have been many heart aches... But I feel as though I've forged bonds with some that are stronger than titanium. Toxic work environments have introduced me to incredible people, and we kept each other going through the pain. My latest job introduced me to a tight-knit family of people that I hope I can cherish for as long as possible.
My familial circles may not always get to intermingle or overlap, but I'm content with being the connector of those Venn diagrams.
This year, I took the most powerful step that I could: I respected myself. I respected myself enough to say "No. I can't do this anymore." I respected myself enough to close the door and cut ties with people who were stunting my growth. I respected myself enough to say that I wasn't going to stand for being pushed around.
But I absolutely couldn't have possibly done any of it without the phenomenal family I have been blessed with. Here I sit in my friends' home several states away, overwhelmingly emotionally moved by the amount of love and kindness given me. I have family sprinkled across the country, and I don't honestly know where I would be today without many of them. I was invited to many homes, ensuring that I had somewhere safe and caring to go should I want or need it. My heart is so full.
I have to figure out what to do about my job situation. But for right now? For this week?
I'm going to allow myself to be happy. Thank you for all of your love. Thank you for giving me a reason to enjoy a holiday that used to be stressful and uncomfortable for me, and helping me make new memories.
May you all find this kind of family, if you don't already have.
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