WordWebs

[wordwebs]

One Day Happened

hey to who ever has ever ventured across this blog, this is my last post! In the one before this it was 6 months to my wedding and now it’s been a month past the day! CRAZY right! i thought i’d get back on here and share just even a few more words before but the time flew by and the minutes were precious for planning. The whole way was such a journey, 8 months total and i can’t believe it past! My favorite part of planning my wedding was honestly learning who my real people are. As the day approached i could feel one story ending as another was starting to be seen in the horizon. Who would stand in the words of that story? who would be there to allow it to grow and prosper? who would cause it harm if allowed? trust me it hurt to find out along the way but it was worth it. My marriage is now the goal of my life, the success i want to show my children, the possibilities to people wanting to give up and above all make God proud, to fulfill his Will in this amazing gift He’s waited so long to hand me.

So i’m sure you all are just wondering how the day went as i talk about it, the process of getting there was hard but what about the actual day? WELL! It was wonderful! The Lilacs bloomed and the lily of the valley at the same time, yes you heard me right and blooming in prime! Everyone helped decorate as i needed and the morning of all my bridesmaids followed the plan i had worked so hard to put together so they’d have a guide when they didn't know what was going on. There were a few hick up’s along the way but hey whats a wedding without a few crashes and pick up’s? It was sunny all morning, timing went perfect. When i got to show my dad me in my dress, it was a moment i’d always dreamed and more. i get teary just thinking about it.

My whole plan worked out so nice! I didn't even have that many butterflies! Than we get to the top of the bluff that we decided to have the ceremony, and i saw the rain clouds in the distance. Me and my dad roll up and my attendant and some others are waiting for me, the rest of the wedding party had already started walking right on time just as i had wanted. My dad and i get out of the car and start walking down the path to my groom and family. A few steps and i feel droplets, my dad starts praying off the storm right then, but it starts to sprinkle harder, soon I'm telling him he HAS to put the umbrella up, he really didn't want to, he wanted this to be perfect. For the storm to hold off just a bit longer. it didn’t. We stand a bit off waiting for the go from my attendant telling me that everyone is up where they should be and ready for my entrance. Everyones going crazy for a moment, my music people are running around trying to cover equipments, $1000′s dollars of equipment thats now out in the rain, i’ll tell you know NOTHING was damaged, NOTHING. I’m standing with my dad in the pouring rain, and for the first time, my peace and joy are shaken. The 8 month road to this day wasn't easy but i had a certain peace that at that moment started to waver. Why was this happening now? My dad never stopped praying off the storm, and i could feel the power from his spirit. I’m starting to cry because i don't want to feel down about the water that’s soaking my dress, drenching my hair and veil, wetting my perfectly done make up. Than in one moment i look up, i see the bend in the path and the falling rain, and the gray sky ahead over the bluff and i hear a soft whisper.

“you know the enemy doesn’t want this.”

i was so confused why would i ponder that right now at a time like this!

“he doesnt want this beautiful thing i’m about to put together.”

still puzzled i decided to listen.

“he can’t stop this now, but he can take your peace and your joy. this whole way you prayed i’d be part of this day, that i would make it mine too. I let you have the rest of the day, and this moment is the one i chose to gift you with. I want to pour this blessing on you. you can take this as a problem that didn't work out in your plan and let the enemy have it OR you can take my gift. ITs your day.”

at that moment i decided He was right, why would i let the enemy take MY day and the gift God was blessing me with! I turned to my dad, and told him “you know what? its my day and no one’s gonna take that! I’m getting married today!”

and with that, my attendant told me they were ready for us to walk. at that moment i was FILLED OVER FLOWING with joy, i don't think i have ever been that happy. It was like a dream, a scene in a movie! We got close enough and my groom turned around. in a split second all the heartache i’ve ever felt was...gone. The pain from past lovers, the scars from self hurt, all the stitches moments i never thought i’d come back from...gone. I saw one story shut and the pen placed down, and a new one turn and fresh ink begin to write. The Ceremony was amazing, no one cared about the rain, the joy that filled that bluff top was breathless. God is good.

Theres a lot you can take from that story alone, i have many details i most likely left out, it’s a day i can't describe fully in words, one i could talk for so long about. If you have questions, want to know more about the story just ask. I’ll check in still!

This doesn't feel like the end writing this but in this spot it is, its bitter sweet, i want all who read, if anyone ever does, to know i never knew what was to come, i just never knew.

BUT

God did.

[wordwebs]

When You Know, You Just Know!

(i forgot to post this!! but its worth reading <3)

i’m sure you are all wondering by now what has been going on! Well let me catch you up! First i’m going to tell you GOD IS SOO GOOD! When life is nothing but questions, He swops down in the perfect moment to align the pieces to make things all for good.

After that night with Kind Gentlemen things were just simple, more simple than I've ever experienced. Everything just happened in a way it was like i was looking on, the moments sweet and i got to just sit and watch, finally enjoy the blissfulness without having to worry about the twists and turns of the future so unknown, i’m not saying its been easy all relationships are hard in some form its that aspect that makes them so wonderful. The fight is what makes you realize how much its really worth. This one is different though, before i had to always wonder about the future, one with Christ in it, and the moments id share with Christ and the love of my life. Here i found myself just knowing my King would be there while my dear one would run the race with me to glorify Him. 

Kind Gentlemen approached my father without me knowing and asked if it would be okay to presue me, my dad for the first time was able to accept. The people around me, the ones that have always been there for me started encouraging me and asking me how serious i was about him. Their faces when i said that i was going forward were priceless, the joy they had that id found someone that they would be welcomed to watch the journey ahead, someone they could see me praise God with. 

This point ill admit i’ll keep short and simple, because it has been just that, so wonderfully simple and lovely! My heart is at peace, and the phrase “when you know, you know” arises in me so easily that i finally understand what they meant when they’d say that. Everyone, i think this is it! I know that i know, and this time theres no begging God for a sign, its the gentle kiss to my heart and whisper that i know this man of God who was brought to me, is for me and my looking is over! 

I’ll admit now once the “i do” comes this blog will cease, it will be a new adventure and i’ll start a new blog, but for now i want to you take you on the new season i’m on. The end but the beginning is near! You’ve read my story of tumbles but now its time to see the joy of whats ahead! Stay tuned to more about Kind Gentlemen, the moments in life i’m still learning and news about Gods amazing goodness!!!

[wordwebs]

Hey everyone! I know its been forever, i know that this blog only has about 30 posts but im here to tell you wordwebs is about to end. I contemplated how long this would go or how id end this story of mine that i tried to piece, tape, glue and sew for you all who've read my words. Well God made the way. It happened yall, that man i told you was different, really is, and i said yes a couple months ago to spend the rest of my life with him. In 6 months this part of my life will end and a new will begin. I have no idea if ill make another blog or just leave this one behind. But i do know this, God is good and in the next 6 months as busy as it will be im going to try my hardest to express a few more final words to you all!

[wordwebs]

Embrace The Werid in You!!

I know that it’s been awhile since you have heard from me, but a lot going on! I want to catch you up but before i do, theres something on my heart that I want to share. This past weekend we had a guest speaker that came to our church who he mainly works in evangelism. The way he explained how to share the word of Christ to people was so very simple! However, that is not why I’m writing, but maybe another post on that a bit later. Forward on, one of the things he said was, “people may look at us like we are werid, but...we are werid!" We need to embrace how werid we are to the world. This hit me later on at the Sunday service during our worship time. Kind Gentleman once asked me if he enables me. Being confused i asked what he meant. He explained if he enables me to be werid. In other words, does he make me so comfortable that i can be myself, the self I don’t show to other people. Thats excatly what he does. There are very few people that will see my weird self, but with him i’m so much myself ill do it in public too! I simply won't care what others think. Kind Gentleman thinks I’m funny, so naturally i love to make him laugh. I’ll set aside my care of others opinions of who I am just to see him smile or hear him chuckle at me. I just adore making him happy, and on the other side, being me lifts my heart. The world really will think we believers are weird, simply because we live for Christ. What would happen if we were so comfortable and so in love with Him that we allowed Him to ‘enable' us to be weird? What if we simply did not care what others thought of us because we desired so much to make Him happy that the thoughts of others really didn’t matter all to much? I’m act myself with my closes friends and they see apart of me that a lot of people don’t see; not only that but they each get a small piece of me thats special for them. I don’t act exactly the same with all of them. With my sister, I’m more childish and silly, in order to let her know she doesn’t have to grow up so fast, and also to remind myself that it’s okay to act like a kid sometimes. With my best friend, we are giddy and fun, but the moments are more mature and unique at the same time. Its a way for us to let go of our reality and forget life for a moment. With Kind Gentlemen moments are closer, adoring, freeing, and daring because thats how it is with someone you love and you can let go in a different way. The bottom line is when I’m WITH them I feel free. The amazing point about Christ is He is ALWAYS with us! We believers have an opportunity that so many out there don’t even know they have! We can be ourselves at any moment; and not just that, but the self that GOD sees! Its enlightening just to even ponder for a moment. This to me is encouraging but also challenging. Can i become so in love with Christ that i forget what people think? Can i desire His smile upon me so much that the cares of others eyes slip away? Step out be the weird self HE created, the self HE adores so much! Embrace your weird that God has put in you, because that werid is one the world will look upon and desire deep within there true selves. We have that peace and joy that the world just doesn’t understand! Let it out y'all! EMBRACE it! You’ll wonder why you didn't before!

[wordwebs]

A Little Stubburn and a Big Push

I know i havent written in forever! Ive been sitting ponder how to word everything thats come along. I left you with letting Southern Man go, i had peace but knew it wasnt going to be that easy. Just before everything had gone array with Southern Man, another young man had started going to our church. Yes i know what your thinking, because i thought the same thing just hear me out as i know you have all along. I noticed this man but with everything swirling around, me being so stubburn to the furture i saw fit, i turned away from him, i wanted nothing to do with him. I had said slight hellos to be polite but nothing further. Than in the fall Sweetie Sassy was talking with him at a special service we were having out at a camp ground, i walked up and she gasped. She immeditally turned to me and whispered "Hes the one!" I looked at her like she was nuts, as im guessing your face was the same as mine. I rejected her statement. I turned to him to be polite i offered that he sit next to us and when back at our seats i made sure he was as far as possible. Im going to admit thats when everything started. I shoved everything away though, i refused to acknowledge any thing of what she suggested. I had already began to struggle with the thought of Southern Man not being ready to proclaim God as His King and to be honest i was so stubborn i was determined to win a fight that wasnt mine. The days before that sunday i had, with tears streaming my cheeks, begged God to make things right, that if He did and Southern Man was to fade from my life id never date another unsaved man again. And i meant it. This statement wasnt new for me, but this time, it hit deep, through and through. I had made up my mind and the peace that flowed told me it was real. It wasnt like the past where i said it but deep down i knew another would come along and i would compromise, no this time, it was a done deal. Because in the center of my being i had finally come to the conclusion...when dating unequally yoked...the believer will most times out of any equivalent, compromise. I was finally no longer willing to do that. It just wasnt worth it. Days after that sunday things went down hill with Southern Man, the drama was all i could think of. Im going to call this other man, Kind Gentleman. He was just a after thought, but he somehow kept showing up. At a church dinner, at a small group where i ended up sitting by him when i tried directly not too and he even started sitting by me and my friends at church on sundays. I found myself speaking to him during these times, nothing more than friendly conversations, when leaving though i always found myself wanting more, id push the feeling away and set myself in my own little world with my own destination. One sunday we ended up talking and Kind Gentleman asked for my number, i was reluctant to give it over, but out of my heart peace had set. Up til this moment i had no reason not to give a small amount of friendship a chance, up til this moment he hadnt put forth any amount of flirting or advances. So i gave my number over. We started texting often, just regular words and conversations, nothing more. We started to get closer and i started to worry, not again right! Not again would i tumble for two guys i wasnt having it but i didnt have to make even a small move to recoil from it, everything fell into place. The door to Southern Man had closed, without me having to tip the scale. I knew it was over. I ended it on the way to a conference and after the conference when our car pools drove off and our vehicles being the only two in the parking lot windsheilds complelty frosted over, i sat with him and spilled my guts. He was kind and asked to see me again, we got together for a milk shake the next day and he let me ramble my heart hearing my testimony, i thought he'd leave, thought he'd walk away, i had finally adjusted to the fact i liked him around. Ill repeat no advances had been made beyond asking me to get a shake at a local restaurant. We sat and i expressed my shame in my past and the feelings i was having about Southern Man, and i remember turning my face from him ashamed, than him taking my hands and telling me with the kindest eyes, that was my past and the future is ahead, that God has a plan for me. Looking into his eyes with my hands in his safe grasp i saw Jesus peering out. Thats the moment i knew something was different with this guy.

[wordwebs]

The road I travel is long, fast and unknown at times. I get distracted in moments by the things around me and the destination i think I'm headed too. But God.....BUT God! God knows so well the heart thats within me, He created it after all. I can ponder I'm going one way and actually Hes got a different path and direction for me, He'll let me turn this way and that, follow a road i decided i know where it leads, but than along the way He lovingly and so utterly patiently steers me on the path He has wanted to present all along, the one Hes already traveled on ahead of me to pave the way, to make sure theres nothing in my way i cant handle. I feel my story folding out, the road unwinding, a new one i hadnt even saw coming! My adventure changing, the focal points spreading out and the inbetween moments beautifully and utterly blurry, starts my heart on a rapped excitement! I look back to where ive come, the path i thought so direct and right seems so, foreign, i must turn back to forward...this trail ahead looks too real and familiar to my heart as though I've longed for it without being able to picture it....this story ahead is just too good to pass up!

[wordwebs]

The Love as White as Snow and Covers Every Inch of Blemish One of my favorite moments in winter is sitting at my grandparents in the comfy chair theyd brought to the living room just for me to snuggle into. I remember the smell of the wood burning stove, the warmth of the blanket my grams had given me for moments of extra love and the first soft snow fall. It was dark out when i had glance out the big bay window, the refelction of the dinning room light, the trees glowing colorful bulbs and the lamps beside the recliners my grandparents used shined over the glass, but when i looked a out deeper, the snow was drifting softly down. Time gasped at the beauty and simplicity of the moment. The next morning i got out of my warm bed to see the snow had covered every inch of the lil world i lived in. As though a canvas was thrown over it to start a new day. Gods love is like this, the purest of white, time stands at a still of its precious seconds and it covers to make new. So many times i take advantage of the snow....but just recently with a reminder from a few people at my church of how God stands in beauty of the things we can dismiss...i wont look at snow the same again.

[wordwebs]

The Trusting Part

When i last left you i was madly in love with a man id never met. Boy do i have lots to catch you up on. of course as most times it starts with a story. I’ll start at the point that i can see you all slapping your foreheads. In September just after my last post me and southern man arranged to meet half way at a hotel. Foolish right? i mean back than i saw nothing of it. i knew him, but did i really? theres so many kinds of people out there, you just never know. My mentors caught wind once i confided in a few people. My pastor, pastors wife and my dad gathered together with me to try to explain the seriousness of this. Not only the seriousness of the plans of meeting but the condition of the relationship being unequally yoked. At the time, i didn’t see exactly where they were coming from. I took there concern to heart and canceled the meeting but i held bitterness that i felt they judged the situation without really knowing the whole picture. Later, i realized they had truth to there words. They loved me enough to point out my wrong even when they knew I’d turn away from there advice. Now before i get to deep into the lesson learned i want to explain my thought process at the time. There was progress. Progress moving forward, southern man had been making steps towards God for a bit at that point and in my heart i just couldn’t walk away from what i saw. Deep down, i heard God say to trust HIm. He knew me good enough to know that I wasn’t going to be able to just let go of the man I held before me. To me, I saw God answering my prayers. Later when I looked closer, I saw that He, so merciful and loving had allowed a certain door to open. A door of opportunity. Things could happen, things could fall into place. but, but only with HIS hand on the situation, HIS hand holding the pen.

With the canceling of our meet, Southern man decided to go all the way to see me. It was a eventful weekend. I was beyond in disbelief that I’d finally meet this man I’d spent so much time and energy on. Even today I still think the moments where worth all I put into it. I’m sure by now you can guess the out come but again in order to truly explain I need to tell the story so you can see the events and the hand that was spinning the moments in the background. Southern Man arrived at my house early morning, i remember these moments vividly. it had been raining and it was cold out. i was so excited i ran out in my bare feet to greet him with a big hug, i didn’t even notice my toes chilling with the first touch to the soaked gravel of my driveway. We walked into my house and a few steps into my kitchen our first kiss took place. He’d been driving 12 hours and id been up just as long waiting so as soon as our heads it my pillows we fell asleep.

There are few big moments in that weekend that i remember the rest is a blur. I remember our walk in the woods with my puppy, the long drive out to my secret place by a small lake outside of town. i remember him sitting next to me in church, the lunch after with one of my favorite couple whod just moved to town. the truth in the loving words they said that led to Southern man meeting my father. I remember him taking a bible my father had given him and than…than i remember the sad goodbye. If you are wondering, which i know you are, did i sleep with southern man? yes, yes i did. i wont lie and say i didn’t, i wont say those are also moments that stick out for me, moments i wish i would have thought a little harder on. but i didn’t, i went with it, even started the situation. That was a weekend ill never forget.

Life after those days were kind of hard to get back to. Southern Man kept growing, growing and walking towards God. the one thing i recall in that growing though, was it wasn’t finished. i felt the incomplete process. I saw the churching going, the bible reading, praying and talking of God, but something was missing. The Surrender. The talk was there but when asked about giving up a life that’s held so tight to die to self….it was always denied. Process incomplete. As time went on it was felt more and more. Life got busier, trials came, and other things became for front. The unfinished process was shining through. Habits from before emerged. Me talking non stop of my savior was pushed away, reading and praying became nothing and if asked a simple statement of “that’s not for me” came echoing out.

The door, was closing.

i don’t want to go and talk like this and make him sound like a horrible person. truth is, he just wasn’t ready in his heart of hearts to make that decision. he didn’t see God as His lord and savior and King. We all have at some point been at this point. I’m not here to express this story to pour forth judgment. Simple fact is, there was a small amount of time to be ready and take that step and he didn’t. its not bad, that’s how life is. we make decision in the split moments that direct whats next.

One night, we finally had the conversation. I’ll keep it short, but this was the night the door closed. I finally asked once and for all what his motives were. was he still wanting to love God. the answer as ive basically told you was no. For the first time in a long time. i couldnt talk to him, i leftt for the night.  Now he will denie that his answer was no and did denie the next morning but that was the answer that struck my spirits heart. We tried to continue after that, but as the days followed, my heart felt a freeze, a stand still.

The door had closed.

I tried to push forward as i had in the past. Grab the hope i had, the hope if i kept going itd fall into place. but it wasn’t there, what ever i had grasped before was no longer available. We fought a lot, i held back myself and the numb feeling of just going through motions kicked in. Sad i know, but true. A couple weeks later, i said goodbye.

Do i regret this story? I ‘d be tempted to say yes, but truth is. No, i don’t. i grew in this experience like i never have. When i’d swear to people it was different that was true beyond what i can explain. I grew in the whole story that i could never regret learning what i needed to. I’ll never regret going through and fighting as i had. I pray with my whole heart Southern Man makes the choice to follow Christ in his life, to completely hand over his life for a new. I do still believe the pictures God showed me, to be honest looking now, i think God showed me them in that moment for the one right now. As i look back with a pinch of hurt, and that picture can play again in my mind, that promise can sound out. That God took what started out as a mess and made things right in the end. Was the road perfect? no, no way! but my King loves me so much, he walked it out with me and made sure i came out with what i needed to take another step towards the story he ached to write.  And you know what? i think he equipped a seed in southern mans heart as well. A good man, heart for the people he loves.  Not perfect, flawed and looked down upon his whole life, beat and kicked but still lives on. he walked so many things in his life that some of us, including me cant even imagine. How? because my KIng had and still does have a deep plan awaiting him.  This story that was such a mess to watch God will take and make grand, not in the way we see, but in the perfect way only He can make happen. Now as i come to a close to continue my own story and ramble my thoughts. i want to leave you with a picture that days before me and southern mans story ended God pushed to my heart to keep close. I’m in a field  on my knees, the soil is rich and perfect it slips between my fingers as i dig a small hole. I place a small seed in the hole and cover it. After its covered and im patting down the last bit of dirt i feel a deep sign reach my lips. Sorrow fills a corner of my heart, it doesnt drop but more slowly drifts towards the bottom to rest a moment. I look up and He sits there. Hes on His knees just a foot away, His eyes hold kindness and deep understanding. Tears start to slip out of my eyes, He looks at me gently, i know He knows how i feel. I look down at the covered seed. What saddens me? I know that i know, i wont see this seed grow. I look up at Him once more, "my love, dont worry, ill take care of it." Peace glazes my cloud as i bend down to let the tears slip to the soft rich soil that holds a precious seed i have to trust my King will hold close.

[wordwebs]

2 Steps Back & Full Force Forward Run

I”m sitting with blank thoughts trying to think of a away to express the waves that are crashing. i suppose i could just come out and say what happened. In a turn of conversation twists me and Southern Man ended up on the topic of that horrible two month break up. Long intro short with a twist of my arm i ended up telling Southern Man about Sweepy. I barely have the words to express how i feel right now. 

Broken? Lost? Numb? Worthless? 

I lied to my best friend and love…and i have no other excuse other than I’m selfish and scared. My words are hard to find right now. In one way ill say i’m glad it came out, i now see that if it waited for later it would’ve hurt more than ever and i don’t know if we would have gotten back up from it. its out now. Southern Man now knows everything about me. I want to stay positive, say this is something God can turn and make good. I want to feel Him hug me tight and whisper that it will be okay. I am different, even though the picture of the girl i once was still hangs high and all her flaws are still seen when people stop to look, i’m not and will never be her again. I’m tempted though to let my heart turn to the wilderness mindset of doubting, but my God is bigger than my worries. Before i would have let this cut me deep, instead i feel content. Odd i guess to feel tht way but i do. I’ve settled with my mistakes and fully believe im forgiven, our sins always have consequences in the end some have a price little to nothing and others cost us utmost suffering but with His help we can push through and still continue on. God blessed me with a soft heart of Southern Man, no dissappearing, no ignoring…..just alot of hurt, love and pressing forward hand in hand, ending in a stronger bond than i could have ever thought or asked for. No it hasn’t been easy, its still a tender spot for us, but we are fighting to go forward! We’re ending up with not just being closer but a bit more molded, adjusted, grown, deeper hope. I feel that this suffering really was taken from us and shaped into something to propel us forward, and forced us to think upon whats ahead, and with that our own hearts renewed with a fresh look on the love we share. I started to look closer back to the events of our story, God is so present in the corners, forming and molding, aligning and encouraging, in the smallest but the most impactful ways! My God is so good, lil ol me messy and quriky He would come along side me to write such a amazing story. Yes its a messy story one with my own childish scribbles intact but i wouldnt trade it for any other. Adventures are like that crazy, confusing and unknown, but isnt that why we take them? The moment i told Southern Man i thought i had lost that story, the one i had started to want and desire, but in the end, my King truly has that pen, because thats whom i put my trust in. Whos hand i lay my life and heart. I do truly believe Southern Man will be a child of God very soon. I do believe that this is the man God has been helping me prepare for the one that He allowed me to walk through the hurt so He could guide me to this point. Last sunday i was calling out to God with Southern Mans name on my tongue, as you can guess i often do. I was standing and praising arms lifted enjoying my Kings love drenching me. Than it was like a wave, the whisper i love so much even now my eyes are welling my heart feels a soft pressure of overwhelming desire. The whisper was so strong i had to sit down. There was a testimony that had come forth talking about someone being saved, and what stuck out to me was the phrase “it takes time” it kept playing in my head over and over. Than I feel His hug, “my love it takes time, it takes time. But…that time is soon, very soon. My beloved! My son is coming back to me! Soon!” There was a suddon rush in my spirit. The realization that i was excited to see Southern Man love the King, but how much more expectant was He? The One who Loves more than can be expressed. These are moments i hold on too, when the people around me ask if i really know, did i hear right? Yes, yes i did. I know who i am in Him more than i ever have before and its growing each day. Theres no turning back from that. The wilderness just looks less and less glamorous, showing the true state of it, excatly what it is called. A wilderness. A desert, a trap, a dry cricle. I hope that with this random all over post i encourage you, that you, yes you darling person that the King adores, that you know He talks to you. That if ur suffering God has something ahead and your not alone. Suffering can bring a great adventure, one that later when you look back, you’ll be so gratful God didnt let you give up.

[wordwebs]

A Sunflowers Smile

Sunbeam- unknown Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, 

To shine for Him each day; In every way try to please Him, At home, at school, at play. A sunbeam, a sunbeam, Jesus wants me for a sunbeam; A sunbeam, a sunbeam, I’ll be a sunbeam for Him. Jesus wants me to be loving, And kind to all I see; Showing how pleasant and happy His little one can be. A sunbeam, a sunbeam, Jesus wants me for a sunbeam; A sunbeam, a sunbeam, I’ll be a sunbeam for Him. I will ask Jesus to help me To keep my heart from sin, Ever reflecting His goodness, And always shine for Him. A sunbeam, a sunbeam, Jesus wants me for a sunbeam; A sunbeam, a sunbeam, I’ll be a sunbeam for Him. I’ll be a sunbeam for Jesus; I can if I but try; Serving Him moment by moment, Then live with Him on high. A sunbeam, a sunbeam, Jesus wants me for a sunbeam; A sunbeam, a sunbeam, I’ll be a sunbeam for Him. 

 A dear lady from my church one sunday pulled me into a hug during worship when i had slipped up to the front to get as much of the worship as i possibly could. Anyone close to me knows i love hugs, mine always lasting a few seconds past the normal casual embrace. In the those moments i try to share my heart, let them know that in that split time their the center of someones love. She held on a really long time than leaned away looking at me, her face was painted purly in love, her eyes twinkling. She started to express her care and how adored i am. Than told me of a vision God had shown her. 

 It was a sunflower, leaning up glowing to the beaming star in the sky. Than she saw it looking down, sky dull. 

She went on to tell me that when she saw a sunflower that was leaning up, she could imagine it praising God, shining bright just for Him, and when she saw them down when the sun wasn't out, she thought them sad missing the light, or thought they were leaning down in surrender. That was me, when my focus is on Him, i shine and glow. The people around me can see the source of my light. When the dark seems to pull close i tend to look down sad that i can’t quiet see His shine the way i desire. She told me to keep looking up unless i’m bending down in surrender, that as i walk and God molds me, the people around me see that He isn’t done with me yet. 

Since than as i walk through my days, i remember what she said, when moments are gray, i lift my head up and pull close to Him, giving Him my very best sunflower smile, because once He sees his precious children look to Him for hope, His rays gaze down in brilliance. As you see the waves approach your life, just look up and give Him your best beaming sunflower grin, and whisper with confidence that you trust His rays of love. 

[wordwebs]

No matter how far i have left to go, when i look back i know the road ahead won't ever be the same as the distance i've already ran.

[wordwebs]

Dear,

Dear Jason, Where do i start? Mayb thank you is where to begin. You were there when he needed to escape to a bad place to run from a worse position. You were there to help him coop through, to help him see a part of a picture he desires. I fully may not understand you, but ik there was a purpose for you.

Secrets.

Their a funny thing. Can make or break in one swift movement. We’ve all had them, i think there the one thing in our testimony that is the hardest to lay down. The enemy of our hearts uses them to whisper lies to our spirits. I”m starting to realize there not as precious as i thought. If the people you share them to leave, than were they really people meant to be in the journey you fight so hard for? If they can’t handle the parts of you, the secret parts, that your ashamed of how can they possibly be worthy of the you, you have desired to be? We all do things to coop, to handle the battle in front of us. Before we let God take our hearts we will let almost anything take us to just numb or make the suffering less. Without Him, the world is just too much to handle. The purpose is faded or unseen, hope, hope is so little we have to get on our hands and knees and crawl to just grasp even a little. I feel we all get to the point in our walks that we have to overcome the secrets we hold. Its almost the scariest part of letting go of the luster of failer and grabbing the success we can step into. If we ponder it enough we can turn our mistakes into walls and fears, that hold us back from the beauty we can have. but than again we can come to a point that the secrets aren’t worth it anymore, the picture of seeing them in the rear view mirror is just to much to pass up. This, this is the sweet spot, we may not think so at first, but watching them grow to nothing is the time we finally step through to something new, thats if we choose to take it. God knows us so well, He knows our hearts, and as we look ahead He’s already there lining things up, creating and allowing situations to come about to start to break down the walls we put up to handle whatever we needed too. 

So to all of you who are struggling with your secrets, your not alone, and i can garenttee they’re worth doesn’t add up to even little of the future ahead for you. Its a victory you just can’t miss, when its offered to you, take it, i can tell you its the adventure God will make just for you. I can’t say that it won’t hurt, or that it won’t make the storm worse. But i can tell you this, if you allow Him, He will take it and show you just how amazing it is to break free.

So to Jason, again i may not understand the fullness of you, but i owe you a thank you anyway. Because of you, true uncontional love and heart could shine through to yet again become more than imagined, and a step towards a great unknown could be taken in full. A journey ahead is a little more clearer and God allowed good to come of your name. Thank you for serving your purpose.

[wordwebs]

I love this picture! Yes i colored it🙈 but the verse struck me hard. How hard it is to just step back and let God fight for us. I dont know about you but I find myself constently trying to fight a battle on my own and just end up with a mess. Its sometimes hard for me to realize i need only seek Him, take pleasure in Him and put my trust with Him and things will fold out before me. Each step layed out careful so i dont fall, i wont fail. I feel sometimes we fight a fight over and over and over again until we are so tired we let Him take it, thats when we win. I suppose in the end if you really ponder it...no matter the issue we face....the victory isnt the issue that is finally come to a end...no, the victory is simply Him. He is the joy we hold in the end, the most cherished gift and prize our hearts yearn and desire. So if your battling right now, know your not alone, hand Him the fight and take the joy tht was already yours from the very begining.

[wordwebs]

Much Needed Birthday Bestie Roadtrip So the other day i went on a little late birthday road trip with Quirky Precious. I didn’t realize how much i, we, needed it! It replenished our friendship. The talk, the laughs, animals at the zoo, fun in the sun at the swimming pool and some shopping made the day go perfect. God has blessed me so dearly with this girl! Our spirits intertwine so perfectly yet we see complete opposite. The ablity to share eachothers lives with no shame or condemnation is the rare quility i cherish most i think. I was able to share a experience with her that had aligned excatly with something she had been struggling with for months, thinking that she was wrong on what God was telling her. But really the only thing she missed was the right meaning of it. It felt so nice to help my friend see a bit more of her worth, that she too, even as little as she feels, can hear her King and lover of her heart. But i wasnt the only one blessing, she blessed back by encouraging me about Perfecto. Just recently ive started to see more of him, his personality i mean. My eyes suddonly opened, to the fact….hes not perfect. Just well gifted in adjusting, comforting and blending in. At this point i want to change his name to Perfectly Flawed. Hes flawed but yet he holds himself to be gentlemen like and brother in christ statue perfectly. The one thing Quirky Precious told me that blew my heart away and completed the healing of that suffering so long ago was….that she was proud of me for sticking to what i felt God was saying. That even though everyone around me came against, i stuck to the small whispers i heard. Yes, i struggled but i faught through and made it. I just want to give a shout out to all the God blessed best friends right now. There part of the reason we have a church, that as believers we make it through this short time on earth! The church is for us to fellowship and come together as one to encourage and equip! I feel these moments we have are great examples why having other believers in our lives is so very important. If you don’t have any i encourage you right now to start praying for some. They may not come when you think or in ways you thought but thats the fun part. There God blessed in his way, his timing and that results in a story all made up of him and his inimaginable adventures!

[wordwebs]

Trusting In Him I have no idea how to even write this post. My minds filling with thoughts i want to spill out. Being with someone thats not equally yoked is hard, I’m going to just say it. Its hard. I knew that when i walked into and stayed in a relationship with Southern Man, but today i pondered it more. I pondered the time we’ve been through. I can seriously say that if God had not stepped in, i would not be with him. Sad i know but true. What if he reads this? I think he already knows, deep down he knows we have not made it thus far without His help. Your probably wondering what has brought on this random burst of emotion. Well last night i opened up to Southern Man a little once again about how precious my relationship is with the King. He took it wildly good, than today i asked him to pray for me and he almost rejected it. this is common, the whole I’m interested one minute than the next turned off attuide sometimes even hostile. Expect this quiet a bit from someone who your close to but is not saved. I know that may sound wrong to say but its true, just trust God and keep loving them! Theirs a battle waring in them and they need the kind of love there spirit yearns for the most at that time, show them where to find it! I had typed a long message to Southern Man explaining how i so badly want to share this part of my heart with him, the part that holds Jesus the closesest. He stopped answering for a long time, instead of worrying though i prayed, man did i pray! I wasn’t going to let Satan take this moment, well about 3 hours later i was not disappointed, Southern Man didn’t reject my message no instead he told me to calm down, breath and stay positive! I know this seems like nothing but to me its progress because a few months ago that would not have happened. It would have turned into a big mess.  I’m starting to think God is teaching me to trust Him again, and in a new way! When He says trust, and i say i do…i need to step out and actually trust, take the action to show i do! I feel a wave of something approaching, not quiet sure the fullness of it, but with the small scenes playing out. Almost missed i must say, there adding up. I feel a victory ahead, i’m claiming it as we speak! I want to encourage you right now, don’t ever give up on something God has told you to trust Him with. Don’t ever turn your back to it, don’t miss that chance to see God work his best. The process may be very hard, but in the end i know its worth it. The hard part is the adventure we proclaim we want so bad. Seek Him with your whole heart, step back and trust Him. He won’t let you down. 

[wordwebs]

Summer Ramp 2016

So just this past week i had gone on vacation. I took a trip to Hamilton Alabama to the conference they hold at The Ramp church. It was such a amazing experience i will have to most likely make two posts for it. We had quiet the journey down there and the conference was so life changing! First let me explain the surroundings! this church is actually quiet small, you walk into the main room and theres only chairs lining the walls, anyone 25 and younger must sit on the floor. At first i thought this was odd, but as the first service started i understood why. There was estimate of 1,500 people coming! With no chairs they could fit so many more young people in the room. The praise and worship was awing, they have a dance team that does performances and than while worship they stand on the stage with the main singer and praise God, dancing and going all out for there King. When you look around there are hundreds of young people praising there hearts out. It was almost impossible to not do the same, the room was so potent with the Spirit of God. At one point everyone went out to a river like area and anyone, and i mean anyone who wanted could die to there flesh and be baptized!!! The first night i was observant, the second session i was let loose. As the sessions went, there were three a day for three days, i gained a new sense of something after each one. A new sense of praise with my voice being able to take my quiet sound to a level i didn’t know i could do, a new sense of praise with my arms lifted, a new sense of worship with my tears streaming my face, a new heart to love Him. its so very hard for me to truly explain what happened entirely, because i don’t even know quiet yet! 

The sermons were so very good, I’m pretty sure i missed half of it trying to soak everything in that i could! I ended up ordering the whole set so i could take it back with me and try to catch more of the amazing experience. Theres one point that stuck out very much to me, the main speaker towards the end of her segment stated that God had proclaimed He knew every count of hair on our head every day, He writes about every little thing we do, thats how much He loves and cares! At that moment i heard the most powerful soft and gentle whisper to my spirit. 

“My love, all those love letters you wished for from earthly princes? I have been writing them for you as far back as before you were even in your mothers womb. One day we will sit and read every one of them. i look forward to this day in eagerness.”

my heart surged, it was so overwhelming! so very precious as all the times i had wished for a simple love letter from my past boyfriends but out of them all only one had granted my wish flash before my hearts eye. Hearing my King tell me of the letters that await me made the desire of earthly letters vanish. 

Also one of the sessions i was praying over Southern Man, lately i have been conflicted. Wondering if God was working in this story or had i been ignoring Him to a point He was letting me make my way through it. It burden my heart, i cried out asking God if i was going the right way, so many look at it and frown. I don’t blame them for that, they love me, but yet i hear God whisper to trust him. Sometimes we all need that push to keep looking HIs way, to know that somethings we see as impossible or we are unsure it is Him speaking or just our flesh. I wept for Southern Man. Than with overwhelming praise arms lifted God granted me a picture i can’t say was me, it was too clear, to precious to me, its embedded in my heart and overtime i doubt it emerges to let me keep faith in Gods promise. Why do i say promise? because thats how i calmed it, when the picture flooded my mind, i whispered out loud that i was taking it that way, that i was taking faith right there of this wonderful veiw that drove through my spirit. A promise of something to come. 

First i saw Southern Man dancing, yes dancing, like you’d picture back in the day jews dancing around a fire in a family celebration or worshiping God, at one point he swung his head to the side, long hair out of his eyes. His face was bright with a smile of pure joy, eyes like none I”ve seen. Second i saw him up front of a small church, microphone in hand i couldn’t hear what he was saying but i could tell he was passionate. He vigorously walked back and forth moving his head and hand as he talked with power, eyes blazing. He'd pointed up, to his head and then his heart, i acknowledged that he was speaking of his own battle of his mind and heart and understanding that our knowledge can’t suppress Gods and the problem starts within our hearts. 

The third and last requires some more explaining of how meaningful it is. At one point during the session my sister that had also came had made friends with a man sitting behind us. He was a decant guy, some reason i was drawn to him, i didn’t like it and it puzzled me. I didn’t talk to him just let my sister babble to him about something i wasn’t really paying to much attention to. As the services started i was still puzzled that i was drawn to this man i hadn’t to even known what his name was! As praise started i jumped into it, but in the middle the pulling became strong, i was tempted to look back at him but ignored the urge. At one point i was dancing when my eyes looked with out evening really thinking and i got my answer to my puzzle, i stopped and turned my back to him once again heart beating hard tears welling in my eyes. The pull immediately gone. When i had set sight on him, he was on his knees on the floor arms raised in pure surrender. What was so heart powering about this sight? Well, its a desire of my heart, not the man i had no idea about but the actions he had taken. I want a man who will surrender with arms lifted, laying down his pride to give over everything. I felt God press in and whisper He knew the passion of my heart, well a few sessions later you can most likely guess what God showed me so clearly. Southern Man on his knees, a black background, arms lifted wide open, face lifted shining bright, eyes aglow, smile vibrant and a light engulfing him. All three pictures ignited a new hope in me i can’t even explain except with a small smile. 

When we traveled back home it was bitter sweet, my spirit lifted light and in hopes, i didn’t want to let go of that feeling of closesness i felt to the love of my soul. I don’t want to admit but i will that this first week back has been a storm, i struggled hard core, i was so confused. What was happening? Wasn’t i changed? Didn’t God tell me He was answering my prayer to change my heart through the amazing trip? Well yesterday at church i got my answer, when i was worshiping as i did on the trip i felt his tug at my heart. I called out, asking what was happening. His gentle whisper calmed my throbbing confused spirit. He began to explain that when i returned i didn’t change my actions and daily routines, i kept them the same. He had changed me on that trip my whole being molded to a new person. With that as i came back acting as i did, i was simply pretending to be someone else, because the person i am now isn’t what i was when i first observed the first session of the Ramp. That in order to activate the new person i was i needed to be the person i’d become. 

How wonderful this was to hear!!! I had been walking the same hall, seeing the same doors for so long that the moment i walked through the threshold  i had been waiting to cross and step through i had no idea how to be! Its all so new to me, by acting the same as i was discomforted because i didn’t feel like myself, i felt out of place, aren’t we all most unhappy when we are acting as someone we are not?

SO! Heres to a new adventure! how many have i been on and begun over and over? I can’t even count! but i will say this, i never come to the end of one, and start a new one the same, every single time something molded new, something in me becoming brighter and more full of Him!

[wordwebs]

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.” -Hebrews 12:1-

This was todays verse for a app i use that sends me daily verses. It goes so well with the entry i just posted! Allow God to strip and pull off anything tht holds you down, that tries to take the earbuds to His heart! Run the race with joy, run it to victory for Him, run the race well!