1. I am blind to social cues. 2. Social cues exist from handshakes and high-fives to love languages and apologies. 3. This is potentially trauma-based but could be a symptom of autism. 4. Because of my blindness to social cues, I donât hold others to them, and so get along with others that also are blind to them. 5. Because I donât uphold and/or break social cues I am blind to, I may come off as unapproachable, uncaring, ungrateful, mean, etc to people, even if they are not aware the reason for it is me breaking or not upholding a social contract.
And this is life-changing for me.
1. I am blind to social cues.
I was today years old when I realized that certain words and phrases are part of the social contract. This is due to one aspect of me not picking up on social cues. Despite my blindness to them, there are some that are ingrained within me. There are also others that I am not blind to.
2. Social cues exist from handshakes and high-fives to love languages and apologies. And monogamy.
Imagine, for a moment, that you reach out for a handshake, and the other person doesnât accept. Would you be offended? Would you feel hurt? Now letâs say instead you reach out for a handshake and they instead pull you in for a hug. Depending on the person, this may come off as being too casual, creepy, or a warm and intimate moment. (I am not pro-pulling people into hugs, as that may not have consent. But thatâs a whole other topic.) These two examples highlight either Not Upholding the social contract or Breaking the social contract.
Phrases like âThank you,â âI love you,â and âIâm sorryâ, as well as their responses of âYouâre welcome,â âI love you, too,â or âI forgive youâ are all part of the social contract, as well as many others. Because of this, some people need to hear the specific words or they can feel offended, etc, as above. Not saying the specific words can be Not Upholding and/or Breaking the social contract. (Similarly, certain words have a context that, when not taken into account, can mean a social contract is not being met).
Because of either Not Upholding or Breaking the social contract, the immediate impact may just be a feeling, whether positive or negative. Over time, that feeling is likely to grow as more social contracts are not met. People may not even be able to put their finger on why they feel a certain way, as they may not be aware of their own expectations (social contracts) they are holding people to. If you find someone frustrating, upsetting, etc, it is likely because you have a social contract that you may not be aware of that they are Not Upholding or Breaking.
These âsocial contractsâ run DEEP, and thus may not be easily identified. If someone runs late, we see it as disrespectful or irresponsible because there is an expectation (aka social contract) to be on time. Love languages are all about expectations for showing affection/appreciation, and theyâre things like quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and other expectations (aka social cues) we hold. The concept of âpatienceâ is that people donât get upset despite upsetting things, but the âupsetting thingsâ is ALSO a social contract. People being âtoo slowâ in the fast lane, people being âtoo loudâ or âobnoxiousâ, etc. Maintaining your composure despite stress is something we value (and is an expectation or social contract), but we call it patience. And so it goes full circle and we may end up calling people patient because they may not hold people to the same social cues we do.
Peopleâs social contracts (patience, charity, kindness), what they find polite, respectful, ârightâ, moral, etc, make up their values. And everyone has a different set. Itâs why we have Democrats and Republicans. There is something that the people in the political parties either see being Not Upheld or Broken by one side, and it is important enough to take sides for.
3. This is potentially trauma-based but could be a symptom of autism.
In psychological terms, punishment is something that makes a behavior less likely, and reward is something that makes it more likely. In my house, sometimes âpunishmentâ included saying certain words and phrases, such as âthank youâ, âIâm sorryâ, etc. While it was an unintentional impact of these phrases being (again, in psychological terms) punishment, it did steer me away from them and make using them less likely, instead of more likely. This may have been an early shift (me giving an apology, rather than saying the specific words, âIâm sorryâ), and may have even been rewarded (they accept the apology without the words âIâm sorryâ).
I did this shift in phrasing unintentionally, though working customer service has likely had an impact. It is amazing how much customer service training boils down to âbe politeâ which itself boils down to âfollow these social contractsâ, but itâs put in much grander terms.
4. Because of my blindness to social cues, there are many I donât expect to see upheld, and so get along with others that also are blind to them.
This may include people on the autism spectrum (thereâs one little one that has a special place in my heart), people that also have such learned traumas, and more.
5. Because I donât uphold and/or break social cues I am blind to, I may come off as unapproachable, uncaring, ungrateful, mean, etc to people, even if they are not aware the reason for it is me Breaking or Not Upholding a social contract they have.
However, people that are NOT blind to social cues may be impacted by my failure to meet their expectations, even if they donât realize they have those expectations. In so doing, they may have a harder time getting along with me (or me them), and it results in problems in the relationship, either early on (âfirst impressions lastâ) or later down the road (which may include âgrowing apartâ by Not Upholding the social cue of staying in contact).
And this is life-changing for me.
I can adjust my behaviors to better align with social contracts. For instance, instead of saying âI really appreciate you doing this for me,â I can instead say âI really appreciate you doing this for me, thank you.â Whether the person has the âthank youâ social contract or not, I would be upholding it.
I can also, because of my blindness to even the social cues I hold others to, ask myself when I have strong feelings about something, âwhat were your expectations for them?â This will help me identify them and either adjust my expectations or communicate them.


















