Write. Feel. Live. Love.

[write-feel-live-love]

Wednesday Wellness- Mental Health Decline Edition

Jeeeeeeesus has this week been from hell. This is my first good day in about a week. I've been in and out of a really bad depressive spell. Nothing bad in particular. I'm just not meant to be a stay at home mom. I don't know how else to phrase it.

I tried to come up with a routine for us. I tried to find fun things to sprinkle in to our weeks. It's not the same. I don't feel productive. I can't get anything on my to do list done because my kids are still at the age where they require and want my attention. I know I'll miss these days some day. I'm trying so hard to stay in the moment and love them while they still want the love. Some days are great. This last week was not. I felt like shit and lashed out at them and then felt shittier because I lashed out at my perfect kids that I am most definitely screwing up. It's hard. SO hard.

I finally had a good day today. And it was amazing. I could see the smiles on their faces again and not hate myself for bringing them into the world just for something to hurt them.

Void, The Bear is new tonight, so I'm gonna watch that for a while. End my good day on a much better note than the last few days have been. Good night.

[write-feel-live-love]

Sunday Check In- Almost There....

The end is near Void....the end of June is looming.... Progress report:

Plan play dates for my daughter- In progress! We've had a couple this past week, another planned for this week. Need to keep working on it.

Read daily- Not doing so great on this. I'm reading way more than I did during the school year though, so I consider this progress as well!

Blogging on schedule- Accomplished!

Daily 10 minutes of self-care- I missed yesterday and Thursday. But overall I'm doing okay.

Plan a date night- You would think with my wedding anniversary being tomorrow this would be accomplished. Nope.

Schedule yoga 1x a week- Been doing great with this! Super proud.

Overall, my month of getting back into goal setting is doing well. Do you hear me Void? Do you care? Miss you.

[write-feel-live-love]

Sunday Check In- Progress! And Set Backs!

Hello sweet Void. I've made progress!

I did manage to schedule a play date for my daughter this week. Just need to keep planning them since there are tons more people we want to hang out with this summer.

Reading daily has been on and off. I'm reading less than I thought I would in the summer, but honestly, I manage to read a lot during the school year. So I won't be devastated if this one doesn't work out.

Blogging again. Done.

Daily 10-minutes of self care, doing it! I'm really excited that it's working out. Although.... I missed todays... I'll get on that after this post.

Plan a date night. Not yet. Our basement flooded this weekend so we're a bit of a mess right now.

Schedule yoga 1x a week, doing it! Need to schedule this week.

Overall my sweet Void, we're doing well this time around! I'm proud of myself. Are you proud of me too?

[write-feel-live-love]

Friday Freewrite- I Don't Know Where This is Going...Buckle In I Guess

Void, I have an idea for a story.

The entire point of this blog was to force me to start writing again, because if I get in this habit, stories will pop up again, right?

Well I have an idea. So in theory, I should be posting it here, correct? Drafting out ideas here so that it stays in place and I keep writing. Nope. My anxious ass keeps hearing "someone is going to steal your idea". I'm ultra competitive, so the idea of someone taking my ideas and getting recognition for it makes my insides hurt.

So yeah. I have an idea. I might go work on it for a bit after I finish talking to you.

Oh Void... I wish I had more to say. Freewrite Fridays have always been the hardest because there is nothing to talk about. I don't have a theme. A purpose. I'm just supposed to talk to you. But sometimes it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't talk back. Especially when others might be listening.

So I think this is it for tonight. I'll talk to you Sunday. Good night, Void.

[write-feel-live-love]

Wednesday Wellness- Doin Fine...

Mental health wise, I feel pretty good. I feel like I've lost my way with maintaining healthy habits....

I've lost over 10 pounds since January-ish. Nothing crazy. Just walking, eating right, all that. That's why it took so long. It was sustainable, but not radical.

It was easy when I was working because I was always moving, always stressed out, and had very little access to "extra food". Meals at home were always hot and made every night so I had left overs.

Now I'm home all day with kids who do not eat adult type meals and I have access to all of the snacks and food I want. It's a problem.

I'm not extremely consistent with my steps, but I try.

I don't know. I just feel kind of lost. My mental health is tentative. Hormones are definitely playing more of role on that front and I'm trying to figure out all of those new "hacks" that have come out of the wood work helps with that.

Void....I'm not feeling my best. I want to feel better. If you're actually listening, I could use some help here.

Good night.

[write-feel-live-love]

Sunday Check In- Well.....

I don't think I'm doing too bad.

I still haven't scheduled those play dates, but in my defense we're potty training these last few days and I was sick as fuck. Still time to get those done!

I've been reading as much as I can. Might not be daily, but when I do get to sit down and read, it's been nice.

Blogging? I know I missed Friday, but overall, I've been maintaining.

Daily self-care has been working out okay. Listening to podcasts I want to listen to on the drives to class, bath last night, yoga (more on that later down the list), I wouldn't say it's daily yet, but we're working on it.

Plan a date night. I just told my husband I need to get out and we need to plan more than one this time. We're going to plan one soon. Potty training has made this endeavor harder.

Yoga once a week. I did yoga on Wednesday! I was sick as hell, but I did it!

Like I said! Overall we're doing okay for getting back in the saddle and me having this huge list to start out with.

Thanks for always listening Void. Hope you're proud.

[write-feel-live-love]

Wellness Wednesday- Sick...Allergies...Whatever Edition

Well, since the cold snap finally broke around here, plants are releasing their demon pollen and I'm suffering for it.

Fuck am I suffering for it.

Face stuffed so full I can barely breathe. Fucking exhausted.

So exhausted in fact that I'm going to go take Nyquil so I can actually sleep through the night tonight instead of waking up every hour on the hour blowing my nose so I can breathe.

Good night, sweet Void.

[write-feel-live-love]

Sunday Check In- Reboot

Starting fresh!

I took a few months off because I had way too much going on. My mind wasn't in the right place for a while and I needed to get it back on straight. It's still lopsided, but better than upside down.

I have new goals for the month of June. The theme is: Relax. School year is over, so that means it's time to get back to my life that really matters. Get my house back in order. Be as fully present with my family as possible. See friends who've been long neglected or only communicated with through text. Visit family.

So! Here are the goals:

Create playdates for my oldest. She's been begging me for months to go see friends and when the only time I have is filled with work, attempting to relax, and keeping up with life, it never happens. Breaks are the only time we get to play. So this month, we schedule all the play!

Read daily. Reading is my oldest hobby and love. It centers me. I'm usually really good about reading during kids naps or right before bed (when my husband isn't binge watching Yellowstone with me). So we'll see how this goes.

Start blogging again. Yupp. Back to the old posting schedule. That's the hope at least....

Daily 10-minute self-care. I have a bad habit of seeing self-care as this huge ass thing, so I don't do it. I'm going to physically schedule in small 10 minute bursts of self-care....per the requirement of the therapist....

Plan a date night. Simple as that. I want to relax with my husband. He's partially neglected during the school year and I want to make it up to him.

Schedule yoga 1x a week. Yes. I am double dipping with this one. Once a week this yoga will also count as self-care. I love how I feel after yoga, and it helps to keep me centered. Which I'm in desperate need of at the moment.

Yes, it's a lofty list. Yes, some of it double dips. Am I setting myself up for failure? Probably. But I hope not. So wish me luck! I might need it.

Goodnight sweet Void.

[write-feel-live-love]

Friday Freewrite: One Day Late

Good afternoon my sweet Void,

I'm a day late on my Friday post. But fuck, I've been MIA lately.

Something happened to me after Xmas. Something beautiful and very difficult to adjust to. I'm not sure how much to share on the internet and I'm not sure I want to yet. Like I said last week, I don't know if you know me like you think you do Void. If you knew everything and saw me on the street.... You may see me differently. and I don't want that to happen right now. You're supposed to be my safe space. So instead of talking about that....

I want to talk about a desire... A desire to live a different life than the one I have. Mind you, I love my life. My family is beautiful and I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. You know I know this. I talk about it a lot. But "the grass is always greener". So I do wonder sometimes. I look at these sexy clothes that would love to own and wear, and think to myself "You are a mother now. You never leave the house and have no use for these blatantly sex-driven clothing choices". It's bull shit. I know that. But honestly, I don't have an occasion for them. It'd be like going out and buying a beautiful ball gown when you know damn well you never go to any balls.

....haha Balls.

I want a piece of that identity back. I've always been a super sexual person and while it's not gone, I never got to really dive in. Now I'm married to an amazing man who will give me whatever fantasy I want.... But we still have full time jobs and kids. That doesn't exactly cater to sexual fantasies gone wild. Especially when we never leave the house to go anywhere that fishnet leggings and zipper dresses that make your tits pop are considered acceptable.

Void... I want... I want to be... I just want to feel like me. And I'm still trying to figure out who that is. Especially after having kids. Do you have kids, Void? Do you know what I'm talking about? It's that erasure of self that happens when two tiny beings are fully dependent on you for every single physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and every other possible need that humans have. You lose yourself. Quickly. So quickly you didn't even know it happened.

Fuck I got deep. It's the Ghost that's blasting in my head right now. The band. Not the actual ghosts in my house. I'm not crazy. Well... not certifiably crazy.

Anyway, back to the weekend to do list.

I missed you Void. I'll be back soon. Possibly with some smutty creative writing because I am fucking craving deviancy and that's what this blog was supposed to be. Not a place for deviancy.... A place to write. Fuck I'm out of practice.

Have a wonderful rest of your day Void. I'll be seeing you.

[write-feel-live-love]

Friday Free write: What a day to come back....

I'm so drunk right now.

So much has happened since I've last seen you my sweet Void...

I don't even know where to start.

Do you know who I am Void? Would you know me if I walked next to you on the street? i don't want to say this out loud. I don't want you to know. Because if you saw me in the street you'd see me differently. I've done something so against what I believed that I'm not sure I'd believe me if I told my old self that I've done this. I love every piece of it, but one. Void, if I could do it the right way I would. I promise. But this is what I have. And I want it. I don't get what I want often, and I'm taking it now. I'm sorry if that disappoints you. I'm sorry if it's not what I'm supposed to do.

But I'm not sorry it makes me happy.

Good night my sweet Void. I'm sorry, but I'm really not.

[write-feel-live-love]

Wednesday Wellness- Sick as F*ck

That's it. That's the post. Fighting off the cold from hell and about to head to bed.

Someday I'll come back to you in full state of mind Void. ❤️

[write-feel-live-love]

Freewrite Friday: I'm Not Drunk.

I was very pleasantly buzzed for about an hour. Now I'm sober. And that sucks.

Really shitty week at work with the students being 1000000x more extra than usual and I wanted to be irresponsible for 5 seconds.

This sucks Void... I just want my buzz back. =(

[write-feel-live-love]

Wednesday Wellness- Anti-Wellness Editon

This is the first night all week where I won't be working.

I've entered my own personal ETR/ IEP hell and have 4 of each to do by Winter Break. So the last two nights was me working on 1 of those four for the meeting that was due today. Is the IEP finished yet? No. But I've been working 12+ hour days and only getting paid for a fraction of that.

So I'm taking to day off. Fuck that.

I'm gonna watch something stupid and play Sims 4.

How's that for wellness, Void?

[write-feel-live-love]

Sunday Check In- Like for Real....

Do I need to say it?

I think this is gonna go on pause for a minute. I'll be very frank and admit where I'm struggling. Work is insane and home is very chaotic right now. With the holidays approaching I'm only going to get busier at work and at home and this project is just becoming another source of stress.

So we're going to pause the Happiness Project for a hot minute. And that's okay. We can regroup in January and make this more manageable.

Until that, I have more work to do. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Good night, sweet Void.

[write-feel-live-love]

Wednesday Wellness- Short Version

I'm alive. I'm PMSing. I just want to read my book at pass out.

More details later.

Goodnight, Sweet Void.

[write-feel-live-love]

Sunday Check In- No Good News

I'm going to pretend that I'm not a failure with this whole Happiness Project thing and focus on something else.

I went to see Wicked today! When I tell you... I cried through the whole damn thing. It was so perfect and hit that perfect blend of nostalgia and breath of fresh air. I cried at every song because it was just perfect.

I loved every second of it. And I envy the fuck out of Elphaba being able to stand on principle even though it meant ruining everything for a short time. I try to do that, but with the education system behaving the way it is, I fear I'm going to have to stand stronger than ever, and I'm not sure I have the strength to give up my children's livelihood to do it.

So yeah. There are my deep thoughts for the day.

Good night Void.

[write-feel-live-love]

Freewrite Friday- Dunno Edition

Don't really know what to talk about tonight.

I'm very tired. It's been a long week with work and it's not over yet. I have more IEPs to finalize and send signatures out for tonight. I had more intention of writing something profound, but quite frankly, fuck.

I'm also insanely distracted by my husband and new house mate and this just isn't happening right now.

Sorry Void. You'll have my attention after this fucking mess of my work life is over.