Friday Freewrite: One Day Late
Good afternoon my sweet Void,
I'm a day late on my Friday post. But fuck, I've been MIA lately.
Something happened to me after Xmas. Something beautiful and very difficult to adjust to. I'm not sure how much to share on the internet and I'm not sure I want to yet. Like I said last week, I don't know if you know me like you think you do Void. If you knew everything and saw me on the street.... You may see me differently. and I don't want that to happen right now. You're supposed to be my safe space. So instead of talking about that....
I want to talk about a desire... A desire to live a different life than the one I have. Mind you, I love my life. My family is beautiful and I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. You know I know this. I talk about it a lot. But "the grass is always greener". So I do wonder sometimes. I look at these sexy clothes that would love to own and wear, and think to myself "You are a mother now. You never leave the house and have no use for these blatantly sex-driven clothing choices". It's bull shit. I know that. But honestly, I don't have an occasion for them. It'd be like going out and buying a beautiful ball gown when you know damn well you never go to any balls.
I want a piece of that identity back. I've always been a super sexual person and while it's not gone, I never got to really dive in. Now I'm married to an amazing man who will give me whatever fantasy I want.... But we still have full time jobs and kids. That doesn't exactly cater to sexual fantasies gone wild. Especially when we never leave the house to go anywhere that fishnet leggings and zipper dresses that make your tits pop are considered acceptable.
Void... I want... I want to be... I just want to feel like me. And I'm still trying to figure out who that is. Especially after having kids. Do you have kids, Void? Do you know what I'm talking about? It's that erasure of self that happens when two tiny beings are fully dependent on you for every single physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and every other possible need that humans have. You lose yourself. Quickly. So quickly you didn't even know it happened.
Fuck I got deep. It's the Ghost that's blasting in my head right now. The band. Not the actual ghosts in my house. I'm not crazy. Well... not certifiably crazy.
Anyway, back to the weekend to do list.
I missed you Void. I'll be back soon. Possibly with some smutty creative writing because I am fucking craving deviancy and that's what this blog was supposed to be. Not a place for deviancy.... A place to write. Fuck I'm out of practice.
Have a wonderful rest of your day Void. I'll be seeing you.