bloop

bear with me, i’m in love

[writtenonsunfl0wers]

this is goodbye

Dear Zachary,

‘Your feelings are your responsibility,’ you’ve reminded me this after that’s been neglected off my mind for quite some time now. How i’ve forgotten the importance of that phrase. How i should always keep that in mind, in fact. I used to be so careful for myself, how careful i was to not catch feelings and fall in love and waste my time on something that’s evidently useless. I hated feelings so much even before i met you. You made me feel certain things that i thought have long died and buried. You, in fact, made me feel alive and happy again. For a long time, i’ve always avoided love and maybe this time, i needed it but,only for awhile. maybe , we were meant to only keep each other company and feel loved once more for awhile. Maybe it was a reminder for both of us that no matter how many times our hearts had been broken, we should never get tired of loving and being loved. .

But, that’s it. This is the end of that for awhile. I hate writing this letter to you because i loved what we had even though no title was given to name it, no string attached and apparently, there’s nothing to end between us. I can’t tell you it’s over or i’m breaking up with you because i really am not your girlfriend and you’re not my boyfriend. It saddens me how we could have a whole lot more but efforts have been descending between us. The lust between us has been stronger than love and i don’t want any either of us to think that we’re using each other’s bodies only. It’s weird how i don’t wanna kiss anyone else’s lips aside yours or touch anyone’s hand and even lay on someone else’s chest but yours.

You’ve made a huge impact on my life and it has been scary for me but at the same time, with you i feel the safest and most secure. I loved being with you and i still do. I was really in love with you, so much, i forgot how real it was at times and for a long time, it’s weird how happy i’ve been with you. You’ve made me realize it’s okay to love and be true to the person i love and am in love with. You really did bring my happiness that i thought would never come for me. I looked through your eyes and did see the better version of me. But, after some time, i got scared and fear took over all of the feelings i’ve been feeling and you stopped telling me you love me, you don’t even say it back anymore every time i say it. It took me a lot of courage to tell you that i love you after our biggest fight. It’s scary to say it, every single time and to know that you don’t say it back, i concluded that you don’t love me anymore and the reason that you don’t say it is because you don’t feel it. It’s scary to go through it. To say i love you to the person i very much am in love with but the feelings were not reciprocated. You were my person. The person that i will love and was madly in love with. My go to person. The person i can count on, whose opinions matter making others opinions don’t.

I know i’ve said this to you before but, this is the truth and i can’t stress this enough. I don’t think i can ever love someone else the way i loved you. I don’t think i can ever go 100% to somebody else unless it’s you. It’s true what Ali Gatie said, it’s you. It’s always you. I’ve spent so many years avoiding love and catching feelings yet, you broke my record as i’ve fallen in love with you so effortlessly. I fell in love the way to speak about things you’re so passionate about. The way you loved your past lovers, how envious i got. The way you sing our favorite songs. How words roll right off your tongue, captivating. I loved how you made my chest feel so alive. How you made me feel my heart beating alive for the first time in a long time. The way your eyes sparkle to the things you love and how your body moves when you’re with me. The way your voice call out my name or my love, butterflies that i thought were never real actually came in waves.

It’s scary how my mind works when i’m in love with you. How i wanna do a lot of things with you and make both of us happy. I wanna travel the world with you, drink the most ridiculously expensive coffee with you. To imagine us going on dates and be on so many adventures together. Analyzing paintings and discussing our views on it while listening to how you would interpret the artwork, listening to your thoughts. As corny as this may sound but your thoughts are my favorite type of music. Something i can listen to the whole day and can never get tired of. I dreamt how we’ve created a happy family together and with our hard work, built our own house. I don’t think i’ve ever had that thought about other people, not even Ashton Kutcher.

I’ve always tried my best to run the extra miles for you and made sure you get all the love and appreciation and care you need but, i do wanna apologize so much if it was never enough. I really do hope you can find a girl who would run another extra mile for you, more than i’ve ever ran and make sure you wanna do the same for her. You deserve to love someone who you will fight for and jump the extra height for. You deserve to love someone while feel safe telling how you feel about anything, who you can count on, who you can share your responsibilities with and who is willing to help you.

I will always love you. I am in fact still in love with you but, this is for me. For us. For the better. This letter is hurting me more than it’s hurting you. I’ve contemplated a lot for the last 2 months because i was really unsure about what to do but this is my way of closure so, i’m sorry for being selfish. You do deserve better than me and i’m sorry that i am not that better. I realized i couldn’t stay in love with someone who don’t feel the same way because of my worth. I don’t want to end up like Layla. I don’t want to stay in love with you while watching you being in love with someone else but still talk to me as if nothing happened and making me feel like i have a shot with you when i actually don’t. It hurts. And i don’t think i am capable of handling that type of pain. While i was with you, i know there are times where you even think about Amy. How you would question yourself if you’re still in love with her or not and it hurts me a hell lot. Sometimes when you call i just don’t wanna pick up but, i wanted to talk to you at the same time so, i set my feelings aside and picked up the phone.

There will be a lot of things unsaid between us and i don’t think you will write back to me because you will be too hurt to have the energy to write back. I know and, it’s okay. I just didn’t want to leave you hanging, i don’t want to be unfair with you. Remember, i will always, i mean, always, love you with all my heart and all that i am but, leaving whatever this is will be the best thing for the both of us. I’m sorry i loved you, i love you, i’m in love with you. It’s been the best year of my life without a doubt.

Thank you, my love.

Nadia

[4am-reflections]

TO THE PERSON WHO LOVES HER NEXT

i didn’t want to ever write this. This girl is someone i wanted to love forever. life just tends to get in the way of amazing things sometimes and that’s exactly what happened to us. if you are ever lucky enough to have her fall in love with you don’t you ever leave her. letting her go was the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do, but i did it for her. it was what she needed, so i swallowed my pride and my endless love for her and let her walk away. don’t you ever fucking let her. hold onto her so tight that it feels as though your arms might break from the weight. if she tries to walk away, fight for her. teach her that love is something to be celebrated. one day i hope she’ll believe it.

Pt.6// 4am

[writtenonsunfl0wers]

selfish

i understand where you’re coming from. how you need space and time to be alone, in your own thoughts without distractions. but, it saddens me that you don’t want me in your bubble when i’ve always wanted you to be in my presence at any cost. but it’s okay. i truly understand. we all have those days where we just truly want to be alone with our own company.

i love you, more than you know, more than i can possibly love another. it’s okay to be selfish for once. to think about you and only you. to have space to think clearly in peace without anyone around. be better in the process. take care of your health better. eat healthier, work out harder and smarter. go for your favorite late night drives with music blasting and thoughts ringing in your head. think. cry. laugh through memories, no matter who you have in mind. find peace in your heart so you can have a peace of mind.

i know i’ve said this a lot but, if you’re ready to tell me everything that you’ve been going through, all the things that’s been bothering you and every little inch of your thoughts, i’m ready to hear it. i’ll be here for you, all day, everyday. if you want me there with you, i’ll find a way to come to you.

i love you, zaidey. with all my heart and all that i am ❤️

[writtenonsunfl0wers]

deserving happiness

i feel like i don’t deserve happiness. happiness runs away from me as soon as it has a little taste of my mind. how it works and how it constantly fucks itself. i could be happy if i wanted to. love if i wanted to and be appreciated if i wanted to yet, i’ve settled for less. i should be painting my own happiness instead of letting life fuck me over— unless... i’m fucking me over. i hate feeling this way. feel unloved by the person i care so dearly, the person i love and am in love with all my heart and all that i am.

i thought i was gonna be okay without him. without his texts or calls. without his cute updates and silly gym videos. without his voice calling out my name. the truth is, i can’t. it hurts. it made me think about a lot of stuff. am i not enough? am i boring him? is he finally done with me? he’s finally tired and fell out of love. he’s probably never loved me or were never in love with me in the first place. maybe i was just a distraction for me from everything that’s happened, a distraction from sadness, and he’s finally snapped out of it. i was never gonna be okay. i thought i was but God, i cried so many tears for him for so many hours i honestly surprised myself. i was sad more than i know and it scares me. a lot.

he’s finally leaving to get his shit together without anyone’s help or presence. without mine. i’ve never loved anyone how i’m loving him. the things that i’ve done, i’ve felt, i’ve endured. i do it all for him because i care about him and his happiness and i do feel bad because what i gave him might not even seem real for him. maybe it’s true. maybe i am hard to love. i don’t deserve to be loved. i’m just so confused as to what he wants from me. i love him so much. i want more from him that i can’t have and don’t deserve to have. but as always, he will always be my priority as long as i love him. and i know i will love him for a long time and stay in love with him as long as i have the capacity to love. i say it because i believe it and not because it’s corny bullshit.

it really won’t make sense if he’s not gonna be a part of my life in the future as he’s holding a part of me. i don’t know if he knows but he has my heart to keep if he wants to. i hope he can take care of it.

[writtenonsunfl0wers]

unloved

i don’t think i’ve asked much from you. i’ve never even asked you to love me with all your heart, to care and attend to me when i need you because i trust you enough to know it yourself. but if you ever felt burdened by loving me i’m so sorry. i don’t wanna be the person who makes you choose between me or your friends because if you do choose them over me, it’s okay. it really is but, i really do hope you’d prioritize me at times when i desperately need someone, when i need you. i’m so sorry i’m needy and i can get extra needy at times when i’m like this and i would usually keep it from you because i don’t wanna bother you with my shit. i know you already have a lot on your plate.

i’m sorry if i ever made you feel unloved because it sucks to feel that way. trust me, i know. i would always try to love you with all that i am and honestly i could even go another few extra miles for you but, i don’t wanna do it to look like a fool in the end. this is gonna sound stupid but sometimes i do wonder what are you doing with me, yknow? am i just a pit stop? a distraction for you? a trophy? a temporary stop sign? it scares me to have those thoughts especially after you tweeted about “don’t use someone to get over a past person.” i know i shouldn’t assume things because the world doesn’t revolve around me but sometimes– just sometimes– i need reassurance from you but i’m just scared to ask for it because i don’t wanna force it out of you.

you’ve always taught me a lot of things and constantly remind me about a lot of things as well and i really appreciate it. truly, more than you know. but, it’s unfair if i’m the one applying to what you’ve been advising me if you’re hypocritical about it and not practicing it yourself. i’m not forcing you to but, you can’t preach about something you can’t practice. there are some things that i really wanna talk to you about because i truly am worried about you because i love you but, i’m just scared. i know you’re open to anything to better yourself but, would you wanna listen to words i’m about to say? are you willing to open up, listen, dissect and understand the things that i might say to you if i tell you?

i’m sorry i sound so fucking selfish. there’s no excuse for me to do that. that’s why i’m saying sorry again if i’m ever the toxic one in your life. i’m sorry if i’ve ever brought out the bad in you. if i ever triggered you to being someone you’re not or someone you don’t ever wanna be. it was never intentional. i’ve never realized it: what if i’m the toxic one? maybe you do deserve better. it’s not even a maybe. it’s true. you need someone who you would fight for and would go the extra miles for. you deserve to love someone and not be afraid to love them more than you could ever possibly love a another. to not be afraid to show every side of you and every inch of your thoughts. i’m sorry i’m not that person.

i’m sorry i’m saying all these things. i’m pretty sure you have a lot to say about me too but despite everything, i still love you so fucking much and it’s true. it’s insane for me as to how much i’ve grown to love you. i don’t know about you tho... because you never tell me. and i wish you did.

i cant bear the thought of you going through things alone or having negative thoughts about me and questions that are left unanswered about me. i know how that feels like. what’s the point of me saying “i’m always gonna be there for you.” or “you know i’m always here.” when you don’t let me? i feel useless at times when i feel like you’re struggling with something yet you choose not to tell me. i know you said you’re so accustomed to going through things alone but, you see, i’m here. i always have and i always will.

i’m so sorry if the things i’ve said upset you... and it really is scary for me to even talk about these things but, i don’t wanna let my fear stop me. i guess this is my way of trying to work things out between us together. and if you ever have any thoughts about me, about us, i wish you could share them with me. but like i said, you don’t have to reply to my texts and you don’t need to feel obligated to do anything unless you want to. above all, i still love you with all my heart.

[writtenonsunfl0wers]

dear lover,

i love you.

and there i’ve said it again, in my head, as i’m writing you this letter. it's still scary for me to say it because when I say it out loud, instead of carelessly repeating it in my head, it becomes very real. I'm so used to losing everyone I love and losing myself in the process. you became the person I never want to lose. You took my hand when I offered to dance, we both eloquently and steadily led the dance. Step by step, with the beat of our own music and in our own pace with fear tiptoeing close by. so, thank you for staying; for slow dancing with me and allowing me to love you more than I could ever love myself or anyone else. you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time and i don’t wanna do anything that could make me lose you. for the happiness that you’ve shared with me and the ones that i thought have died, you brought back to life, i love you. i know i’m such a fuck up in a whole different level and i’m so grateful that you’ve been patient with me and have been loving me so delicately.