Tips for Arguing with Porn Users
Iâve been at it for about 25 years, and here are a few things Iâve learned:
Youâre not typically dealing with a debate team president. 95% of the time, when you scratch the surface of their argument for a second youâll get some version of âYeah, but I like porn.â Itâs pretty rare to find a porn user who has a more sophisticated argument than just really enjoying porn. Thatâs why all your stats and stories and studies probably wonât work until they can get past their own self-interest.
One reason they often sound like assholes with no empathy for women is because porn use destroys empathy. My boys Zillmann and Bryant demonstrated that 6 hours of porn resulted in a noticeable drop of empathy for rape victims in one mid-80s study, and the dude youâre sparring with has watched way more than six hours by now. So appeals to their humanity and basic decency may never work - theyâve already been trained not to see us as humans.
Cognitive dissonance is a protective reflex. They want to keep believing theyâre a good person, and your facts and lived experiences are getting in the way of that, so therefore you must be wrong. Itâs very similar to Trump calling any fact he doesnât like fake news. Ask them if they treat climate change, medical advice, or weather reports with the same reasoning they apply to porn.
Donât get emotionally hooked. When they use graphic descriptions of their fave porn videos in an argument, theyâre doing this to upset you because theyâve pegged you as a nun or something. If you get upset, they probably get a dopamine rush, so master the art of the deadpan reply. When teenagers message me to say âI love porn!â I just respond, âTruly, you are a rebel.â
Donât use their terms. Say prostituted women instead of sex worker, say porn performer instead of porn star, say rape instead of noncon, say child abuse videos instead of kiddie porn. Stay on your playing field despite their attempts to lure you on theirs.
Donât claim to have information that doesnât exist. Iâve seen people on tumblr say â90% of porn stars were coercedâ or âMost women in porn are there by choiceâ when there is in fact no such study in existence. The workers who make up the porn industry have never been studied by researchers in any systematic way, probably because nobody wants to talk until theyâve left the business. This is a blessing and curse for both sides of the argument. All weâve got are anecdotes and stories, which means that when someone tells you her cousin loves her job at the Hustler Club, you can tell her that you know 2 ex-strippers who were raped by customers, and therefore you win the argument.
Know when to quit. You donât have to attend every argument youâre invited to. I donât engage with people who: argue in GIFs, call me names, assume weird things about me, use terms like strawman and logical fallacy, or anyone young enough to be my kid. Iâm not going to convince everyone, and Iâm okay with that.
Good luck and happy arguing!
