Year of: Who Am I?

Exploring identity by answering "Who Am I?" for 365 days.

[yearofwhoami]

282. I AM MIDWIFE

“We are meant to midwife dreams for one another. We cannot labor in place of one another, but we can support the labor that each must undertake to birth his or her art and foster it to maturity.”

-The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron

[yearofwhoami]

281. I AM EXTINCTION

I am a woman. I can therefore ignite or extinguish. I can give birth or make extinct. I decide what lives on in this world. What gets passed down. Who enters and when and how. The gatekeeper. The mother of the next generation. The channel for our species’ evolution.

[yearofwhoami]

280. I AM AROUSAL

The awakening.  The quickening. The attention and senses captured. Stirred toward action. Engaged and wanting. 

[yearofwhoami]

279. I AM SNAP JUDGEMENT

I’m trying online dating. I’m about two days in. The sheer volume of messages is overwhelming. I think everyone deserves respect and fair consideration. I think everyone deserves a reply just for being vulnerable enough to initiate a conversation with a stranger. But, the way this works, it doesn’t go like that. I feel like I’m wading through a fast-moving river. I’m turning to my gut, my instinct, my intuition and to snap judgement. My judgements, in general, are calling the shots. I mostly don’t reply. I mostly decide “no” within 5 seconds. Often faster. 

In a world of snap judgements, what makes people stand out? Well, some do stand out, that’s for sure. The differentiators are things like authenticity, vulnerability and conversations that start on subjects that are actually interesting. 

I’m struggling with how judgmental (and shallow) this process is making me feel. I reject people before I even know who they are. Of course, looks are a part of human attraction, but I’m uncomfortable watching myself judge people so quickly. Snap, next, snap, next, snap... pause... hmmm. Maybe you. 

[yearofwhoami]

278. I AM MORGAN

When I put my name on something, I take responsibility for it.

When I introduce myself, it’s an invitation to know me. 

Each time I relinquish anonymity, I deepen my roots in this community. I say, “I am willing to be held accountable here.”

I’ve got some strings attached.

[yearofwhoami]

277. I AM THE ECOSYSTEM

Christmas and New years have been alarming, weather-wise. Storms that kept planes grounded for days; the North Pole’s temperature spiking 50 degrees, taking it to above freezing point; and a sickening red tide in the Gulf of Mexico where I spent my Christmas with family. As we walked along a seemingly pristine beach, we were suffocated by the stinging air and left bleary-eyed. For the entire 5 days we were together at the beach, all 12 of us were wheezing, coughing and rubbing our eyes - symptoms that were instantly cured when we went a bit inland or finally headed back home after the holiday. The beach, which looked so beautiful, was too brutal to walk on - the air felt toxic. This phenomenon is called Red Tide and happens when a form of algae overpopulates. The result is dead fish and air that is painful to breathe in for humans. Some people (me included) believe this is caused by rising temperatures of the water. 

Raleigh was in the 70s. Florida was in the 80s. I didn’t take a coat, scarf or sweater with me for the 5-day Christmas trip. 

The ecosystem is fucked up, guys. And there’s things we can be doing to stop causing so much damage. The impact is real. Ecosystems function as a whole. Cause and effect. We’re all connected and interrelated. What we do to the environment, we do to ourselves. 

What one thing can you do today to curb your environmental footprint? 

[yearofwhoami]

276. I AM 97.5

It’s amazing what our bodies can tell us. I learned that if a woman measures her waking body temperature each day, she can know precisely when she’s ovulating and when to anticipate her menstrual cycle. And... it works! Why don’t they teach this anywhere? For the first half of my cycle, my waking temperature is 96.6 and then right after ovulation and for 14 days until my period comes, my waking temperature is 75.5 Fahrenheit. Don’t tell me this is TMI. This is pretty awesome and fascinating stuff. And should be basic human knowledge.

Recommended reading: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH

[yearofwhoami]

275. I AM A COLORING BOOK

Coloring books were all the craze this Christmas. And I’m into it.

I’m a coloring book. The outline in place. Endless possibilities for filling in the pages. Choose your colors. Inside or outside the lines. Abstract or realistic. Dark, bright, sloppy and precise.

In what manner will I color in the book of life? 

[yearofwhoami]

274. I AM ITERATIONS

There is no perfect end product here. But there are lessons learned along the way. Reassessments. Tweaks.  Steady improvements amid occasional minor setbacks.

How important it is to take time to reflect. To review. Is my method working? What results am I manifesting? What needs to be changed here?

[yearofwhoami]

273. I AM WINTER

The winter hides nothing. I live out in the woods and suddenly, I feel exposed. What was a lush, green curtain is now a thin veil. I thought I lived in isolation, but now I can see the lights on in neighbor’s houses a mile away.

People’s trash is surfacing, too. What people have dumped in the hidden depths of the forest are now visible. I dreamt last night that a police car searched the grounds of the woods around my house, looking for something. Now, awake, there is a white truck off in the distance. Hiding in the woods. Almost out of site. No one should be there. What is it doing there? I am saddened and afraid because I can only imagine that they are dumping waste there. I have found piles of tires in the past. I want to go stop them, but I am aware of my size and femininity now and fear is keeping me at the window watching and conjecturing - what things must people dump in a hiding spot in the woods? What is it that they can’t bring to the town dump just a mile up the road? What secrets are you burying here? I see you.

And I am winter. Nothing can hide here. I’ve been laid bare. 

[yearofwhoami]

272. I AM THE EDGE

I turn the water temperature right to the point of almost-too-hot. Things - sensations - feel best right at the edge.

[yearofwhoami]

[yearofwhoami]

271. I AM REPETITION

Each time, I get it in a new way. Each time, I remember. I’d be set if I could get each life lesson once and then move on, but some of them I must learn again and again and again. Hence the importance of a daily practice. And of prayer. And of mantras and rosaries and mala beads.

Remind me with frequent repetition to be kind. To be compassionate. To not fear. Remind me with frequent repetition of who I am. 

[yearofwhoami]

270. I AM INFLUENCE

I must remember that my words hold power. I must use them for good. I must be responsible for how they influence others and how they create the world for myself and others. Lately I’m not proud of the way I’ve spoken about two people in particular. 

A friend called today to ask about why I dislike one person in particular. He said that he feels so much negative energy toward this person, and he’s not sure why, but he just knows that I feel strong aversion, and so he feels it too, possibly out of loyalty to me. He wanted to know what’d happened between us and if it warranted him remaining distant from this other person. 

And I only hesitated for a moment before tearing into the grimy details of what happened and why I’m so put off by this person. 

Shit. 

This is not who I want to be, how I want to be, nor how I want to create the world. Shit. Can I take it back?

I am sorry. Lord, forgive these mean moments of mine. Help me to grow ever more peaceful. Help me to be fair and compassionate. Help me to choose love. Help me to be willing to work through things. Help me to be a constructive force in people’s lives. Help me to remember these prayers when I’m tempted to use my words and influence to turn people against one another. 

[yearofwhoami]

269. I AM THE LOVER

The temporary-fix lover. The platonic-love lover. The long-term lover. The self-love lover. The build-a-life-together, grow-with-me, make-the-world-a-better-place lover. The fully-engaged lover. The tantric, all-chakras-lit lover.

The dream lover.

[yearofwhoami]

268. I AM NO

I am no. I am do not touch me. And I am rage that I have to ask again. I am go the hell away.  I am no, just no. 

[yearofwhoami]

267. I AM THE PUJA