Yellow Cat Cassette

czarina's writing dump

[yellowcatcassette]

Aya

Hey God above, Please tell me what you thought, By making me a stain on life.

There’s just no way, how could you Have meant to put me here? Or else, please say you’re sorry.

If they saw that I prayed to you like this, Breaking the law that’s out for me,

They’d hunt me down, shred my heart, But that’s nothing new, So that law does not matter.

But someone tell me, Do you expect me to keep on Living, breathing, dying like this, Being spit in the face each day?

The sidewalk sank a centimeter, And like it sinks my last hope.

Am I allowed to Imagine being anywhere but here, Ask for a redo on my own life? Am I allowed to merely exist?

But Big Brother’s always watching, So God, are you looking down too?

But I guess it’s fine, I can live with no answer. But I guess it’s fine, I guess it’s really fine. But I guess it’s fine, this is just the way it is. But I guess it’s fine, I guess it’s really fine.

Hey God above, You must be joking here, How else could it come to this?

I realized that, I can’t help, But notice irony Is how you like to reply.

Wedged in the corner of rotting wallpaper, Splotches of mold and flowers fading in color, Even the news won’t report what happened today. I want to break out from here.

Scrolling down columns of oblivious commenters, Your name and existence censored in fading color, Even the world won’t admit what happened today. I want to break out from here.

So someone tell me, Can’t you see how much I’m hurting, Or is that why you keep on going? I have nothing left to give up.

No one will know my story, So why did it have to exist?

Am I alone here, Always asking for a reason While everyone says it can’t be better? Is this all right for the rest of mankind?

I know Big Brother hears me, So God, please hear me too.

But I guess it’s fine, there’s nothing more than this. But I guess it’s fine, I guess it’s really fine. But I guess it’s fine, won’t complain anymore. But I guess it’s fine, I guess it’s really fine?

Hey God above, Please tell me what you thought, By making me a stain on life.

There’s just no way, how could you Have meant to put me here? Or else, please say you’re sorry.

A poem based on my developing character Aya

[monster-watch]

can’t love you enough

“Thank you so much,” The same worn words from me I find myself repeating them Whenever I’m with you

It can’t be right, You’re giving me your all And in return, there’s nothing that Soothes your loneliness

Keep reading

[monster-watch]

Goodnight Mankind

To know that wherever you end up You’d find someone who’d wish to stay near Never knowing how sweet that must be, I doubt that moment will happen for me

As much as I like to dwell on these feelings, The full moon tonight makes me feel selfish for it

Keep reading

[yellowcatcassette]

Although

Never in need of anyone, Peaceful enough as it was, With infinite alternatives within your reach

But you still wanted to make something from nothing, And so humanity was born.

Knowing well of the risk, You did not hesitate Speaking the life into fresh dirt, History began when you said those words.

Friedrich Nietzsche, Fyodor Dostoevsky, You thought of them in your design.

Ungrateful entitlement, Deceptive pridefulness, Despite those destructive flaws, You still went to look for them

Man and God face to face, Paradise on planet earth, Not knowing of ugliness, Though it didn’t last too long

So why, so why Did you love humanity? I’m glad, I’m still glad You choose to love humanity, Although

No one would have had to know, It could have ended then and there, You could have lived as if we never

But seeing something beautiful in what was broken, You stepped down into the mess, instead

Even then they expected flames to fan the war, When you said those words, you rewrote the story

Albert Camus, Jean-Paul Sarte, You though how of much you loved them

Cowardly resistant, Stubbornly ignorant, Despite the rules they made, You broke them down anyway

Man and God down on earth, Rewriting the history’s course, Though it didn’t seem like it, Though it didn’t last too long

So why, so why Did you love humanity? I’m glad, I’m still glad You choose to love humanity, Although

Knowing of man’s helplessness, Knowing of man’s selfishness, You thought of who’s to come, You thought of who you love

Unconditioned endearment, Sacrificial selflessness, Though they wouldn’t care too much, Though they never asked for it

Having what man longed for, Hearing how man longs for, You thought of who’s to come, You thought of who you love

Man and God closer now, Even when it’s not allowed, Even when it’s dangerous, You still loved them anyway

So why, so why Do you love humanity? So why, but why? Thank you for loving humanity.

The years went by, in millennia’s time, Your love regarded only as a myth After all, this world had no place for it

Yet knowing this, you fought to love Ungrateful, reckless humanity, Although you say we were yours already

[yellowcatcassette]

Quarantine

So, humanity learned We never had that much control

Said, these glass screens are death Now they’re the life that’s left

This the world-end you dreamt? Stuck at home in pajamas

My normal holds its breath, How long until it’s gone?

The dust specks dancing up and down, Bask in warm sunlight The days are longer than I once thought, Told by warm sunlight

Had yet to say to you Those three words I’ve saved up

An open window for God, Even online he’ll speak

So, humanity learned We never had that much control

When will I see once more, You with my own eyes?

The dust specks dancing up and down, Bask in warm sunlight I live another day that passes, Told by warm sunlight

[yellowcatcassette]

For a little longer

Woke up at around ten-thirty this morning, The same as every morning this summer. It’s just, I stay up past 2 am talking to him, And now he’s back texting “good morning.”

Even the sound my phone rings, That high pitched ding I gave him, Stops everything on my mind at that moment.

But I just woke up, you see, And since I’m not sure how to feel yet, I’ll answer after I sleep some more.

If this heartache is something I can’t ignore, God, please tell me you’re behind it. ‘Cause even though I smile at the thought, I rather let it die now if it’s not meant to be.

Once again, it’s quite the guessing game, I remember how it felt before. I also remember how it ended so, Forgive me if I sleep in for a little longer.

All right, I admit I’ve noticed he feels the same, Though can you say for sure it’s me he’s after? It’s just, I have a lot to heal and recover from. Would he change his mind if he saw?

As for my future, I also still know nothing, I trust God for what waits when I wake. Yet prayers turn to wonders and I catch myself Thinking of a future where I wake up by him.

If this heartthrob is something inevitable, God, please show me another sign. I want to hope without falling too hard, Maybe this time I’ll be the first to say hi.

Once again, he’s sending me good night, And says he’ll be back tomorrow, too. As hours stack up along with these dreams, Forgive me if I sleep in for a little longer.

[yellowcatcassette]

Closure

Every now and then, that same sweet scent Of strawberry perfume, Fills the air and my mind with Memories I saved of you

And I rewind that same sweet story, The one when we were friends, Except there’s no closure That satisfies “The End”

—“Closure”—

I use to think we’d meet again, A coincidence to be, But reality: it’s been five years, The credits finished rolling.

And it’s strange to think since that time, Your life continued on. As close as we once were, You’re not relevant anymore.

Do you still wear your hair in braids? What are you thinking about now? Are you happier where you are? I can’t know those things.

The feelings you showed me, I remember, All your dreams and worries, I still kept them, Every answer to “how was your day?” They walk and talk like you

Did you ever find what you so badly Prayed for on those lonely nights? But I gave up hoping for some answer To all these wonderings.

I guess it’s sometimes like this, People fill your life then leave. . . . . . . . . All the faces I met in the meantime, You’d love to meet them too. Yet I never mention your name, Sorry if you wanted me to.

And it’s not like I tried to forget, As angry I felt at first. Rather share stories with real endings, Nostalgia is the worst.

Who do you spend your days with? Do you sound like you did back then? Are you even alive still? There’s no way to know.

If you saw who I am now, You’d be proud I’ve come so far. If I saw where we’d be now, I’d have lived even sooner.

If I saw who you are now, Would this past you I’ve kept die? But there’s no closure, no anything, Just the questions I stopped asking.

The feelings you showed me, I remember, All your dreams and worries, I still kept them, Even if I never hear back from you, Somehow I find this peace.

That person you knew me as last, Does he follow you in thoughts like these? But I gave up hoping for some answer As time takes you from me.

I guess it’s sometimes like this, People leave with no meaning.

And this is what comes to mind, Smelling artificial strawberries.

---

Follow up from my 2016 poem “Strawberry Perfume and Deodorant.”

[yellowcatcassette]

Separate

Hey mom and dad, Got something to say, I met someone and I really like him. He likes me too and We’ve been praying that You’d accept even though I think you won’t-

And it’s those words I’ve thought over But could never find the strength to say. And ‘til then, The space between you and I Will stay as wide as it is now, Unless I,

Just why can’t I say it? Don’t I know it’s worth it?

Because if it weren’t for The God above who saved me, Or his intervention that brought you to me, I’d say it’s not worth fighting for anymore

And here you are, softly smiling, Waiting longer than you thought you’d ever. Through the time it takes, I’ll stay by your side For always.

Let’s try that again: Hey mom and dad, Wonder where I got this red notebook from? He gave it to me To write down our dreams, The date right here is the day that he said-

And the longer I stall this Inevitable conversation, I know will Make that day more of An impending disaster, I know that.

Then go out and say that, Just why can’t I say that?

And yet I still believe that We’re meant for more together, That there’s something beyond what I imagine, That what we share isn’t fragile to any answer.

Until it comes, pull me closer, As close as you can to our limits, Gently, say again, That one Bible verse That you liked.

What God brought together, Let no one in mankind Separate.

[yellowcatcassette]

That I Lived

Things like dreams and looking back someday Seemed fictional to me. Convinced what I’ve seen was all I’d ever know, It felt right to be content and wait to die.

Now I watch my reflection in the train window, Somewhat older but just beginning. And as the skyscrapers rise against a sunrise, I realize only now’s the first time

That I’ve lived,

Understanding what it meant When God said, “It’s done.” Or wonder about the future without fearing- Who’d have thought?

Even though, The world hardly changed Around the me who has, I’m so grateful That I lived through it.

Things like love and holding humans close Were meaningless to me. Thinking like that, as boring as it was, It made no sense for such complications.

A billboard reads “It’s better with you here,” And faces fill my mind to the brim. The longing to feel another’s heartbeat Tells me, while that was impossible,

That I lived With a reason to pray And know it’s heard above. Or smile stupidly from seeing you again- Can you believe?

Even though, The unknown slowly steps back One day at a time, I’m so grateful That I lived at all.

[yellowcatcassette]

In Living Memory: Menu

aka list of all my escapril ‘19 poems

[yellowcatcassette]

Passionate

Practice exams just came back I can’t say it was uplifting My score’s less than fifty Even after months of studying

And you took a glance and shrugged at yours Without caring too much for the subject, Your test score is a guaranteed hundred

What’s a person like me Doing in a class like this? Something that you call easy I can only hope to guess right

They say if you like the things you do Then it should be a breeze to you Well, whoever said that didn’t take AP tests

You are so Distracted and obnoxious Yawning in your hand Collecting some credits For some goal you don’t know

Meanwhile, Here I am trying To make sense of it all Am I even good to come this far?

You know what? I could be somebody Who wants to rise above Doing things I don’t like Just to do them

But since I’m passionate, Isn’t that enough? Perfection’s too expensive, anyway

You’re the kind of person Who lives for resumes I’m the kind of person Who’d rather just live

So since I’m passionate While you’re ahead now, At least I want something more than hundreds

So teacher, don’t mind my final exam scores...

escapril day 30: catharsis

[yellowcatcassette]

The Poem I Almost Wrote

The poem I almost wrote About the corsage he once gave you, I can no longer complete in words and stanzas, I can’t bring myself to do that to you

Some lines I almost wrote: “Even though the air is dry and humid, I’m so glad you came with me, Would he mind if I stole you away?”

It was meant to be sweet, Just something to make you laugh But since it’s over with, it’s not funny anymore

More lines I almost wrote: “Even though he’s not here tonight, The flowers wrapped ‘round your wrist, Can’t compare when I look at his darling”

But that was springtimes ago And moments like that age fast and unwell Sorry to bring it back when it aches to think of

Did you still keep his gifts From all those years? Every text and ring And high school corsage?

It was one of the things We grew up certain of But then some things we once Knew change now and again

They call it fall since that’s what the Autumn leaves would do So why do they still rain down when The May breeze blows through?

And they say if you love them, Try all that you might But then you learn that’s not love after all

Even though neither him or his Flowers ‘round your wrist Were meant to stay until next May, You’re still just as lovely

They say that first love Is somehow your last But I know someday You’ll be smiling again

escapril day 29: May flowers

[yellowcatcassette]

sick

Was it a mistake To let myself get so sick? Think of how much it costs To wake up in a hospital

My mom’s fast asleep Exhausted in an armchair The taste in my mouth I keep spitting on my gown

When I looked at the mirror It wasn’t pretty to see Red around my lips and in my eyes I stared at a weak and tiny kid

How old am I, they asked I’m only eleven years old Barely a decade alive But I hate it now

Mama, daddy, everybody Sorry that I scared you last night Couldn’t help but vomit too much Mrs., Mr., no offense but I don’t want to go to school again

It’s because I already learned I’ll be alone in the long run Since the other kids my age Only care about acting cooler

When I looked at the mirror She didn’t seem so happy either Red around her lips and in her eyes What a weak and tiny child

Someone, someone, anybody Tell me it’s fun to grow up That it’s not as sad as I thought Carla, Kayla, Nyah, Leah, Will you miss me if I don’t make it back?

Was it a mistake To let myself get so sick? Think of how much it costs To miss a school day

escapril day 28: reflection

[yellowcatcassette]

Laughter is

Ten pairs of hands latch tightly On to my arms and shoulders The siren of a freezing ambulance Announces to the town I’m a crisis

Strip me naked and call me sweetheart Say I’m safe in a place that I don’t know

And as for the students I was sitting with They won’t even know that I left

Enter a man dressed like a nurse I guess Smirking as his eyes went up and down me Asked how I felt and then burst out laughing

Ah, please sir, don’t laugh at how much I Wanted to kill myself just now It’s ‘cause the people I left today Make me sick

But when I think of the state of it all And how I want to see them once again I’ll try to behave

“Now isn’t this just something?” “Now isn’t this a pity?” “Did you think you’re going Home after what you tried?”

“Now isn’t that just stupid?” “Now isn’t that so funny?” “You’re not leaving this place” “‘Scuse my laughter, darling”

“Now aren’t you a danger?” “Now aren’t you unstable?” “If I let you go, won’t you Hurt everybody you love?”

“Can’t you hear how unwell you sound?” “‘Scuse my laughter, darling”

Ah, please sir, don’t keep me any longer Can’t I cry without you cracking up at it? It’s all because I didn’t want to live At least then

But when I think of the state of it all And how it’s still beautiful sometimes I’ll live, if just to spite you.

So keep laughing at me, doctor

Recovered the clothes I put on This morning, so long ago And as for the students I was sitting with They won’t even know that I left

escapril day 27: the state of it all

[yellowcatcassette]

friends

Today was just so awful, Everything makes me upset First thought is to text you Since you’ll take it all away

Yeah, tell him you’re sad How lonesome it is And he’ll respond With a hug and a kiss

But it’s not because we’re a “thing” We’re just really good friends

Don’t get the wrong idea Everyone else is the same Unofficially committed But they act it anyway

Yeah, bare your whole heart He deserves it all Unearth your soul Nothing left unsaid

Promise you’re not tired Hope we’re more than this someday

“Aw, I’m sorry to hear” “I’m here for you always” Send him your deepest cries Keep her close but never touch

Isn’t this admirable? Isn’t this a wholesome thing? It’s good to be so vulnerable, you know?

I just need somebody who will listen everyday Love on me, please Fill me up with what you’re thinking

Outwardly casual but on the inside it’s soul deep But remember, we’re just friends

Today was just so awful, Everything makes me upset But your response is boring It’s lackluster and blunt

Yeah, use to be hard To hang up but Now it’s a struggle To catch his eyes

It’s all right, we weren’t “dating” It’s all right, nothing happened.

“But I told you everything” “You’re not like what I thought” If you needed this before, When did you have enough?

Isn’t this kinda dumb? Isn’t this what we all go through? Yet when you’re gone, I don’t know who I am

I just need somebody who will make me feel wanted Is it wrong that You heard so many of my own thoughts?

Knowing all my secrets but act like you never saw But remember, we were friends

Hey remember, we’re just friends

Please remember, we’re still friends

escapril day 26: girlhood, boyhood

[yellowcatcassette]

Origami

Summertime, with nothing to do, Over-emotional with oriental paper, I’m writing notes for loneliness And folding them into dozens of small cranes

Colorful, and somewhat crumpled up, The army I built from my thoughts and origami Seeing how rough the year has been, Maybe they’d touch a stranger or two

In the mood for something sweet and strange I scattered them across the whole town Underneath their tiny, fragile wings I wrote this rhyme to catch someone’s eyes:

“Kill this bird, or its voice goes unheard.” Since its message is written on the inside If anyone is curious enough to read it, Tear apart the little paper crane you’re holding

Poetry, prose, and short encouragements I wrote the words I wanted to share Even though it wouldn’t change the world Maybe just one person really needed to hear it

Summertime, with nothing to do, Over-emotional with oriental paper, Groceries and highway rest stops, I left an origami crane wherever I went

Go ahead, rip it into shreds Only be careful around the center At the heart of what’s almost littering Hides a letter that might bring back a smile

While it’s likely they’d end up in the trash Doesn’t hurt to send some random kindness For the small chance it will save somebody It’s worth it, if they’d notice under the wings:

“Kill this bird, or its voice goes unheard.” And you’ll find my note to an unknown person Telling them they matter, that they’re so loved Since that’s what I would have liked to hear

Saying things like, “You’re strong, don’t give up” To whoever found those awkward creatures These were my love letters to humanity Even if they would hardly change all of mankind

“Kill this bird, or its voice goes unheard.” Summertime, nothing but emotions and paper “Kill this bird, or its voice goes unheard.” Maybe they’d touch a stranger or two

escapril day 25: pick an animal

[yellowcatcassette]

set apart

Hey, hey, The adults have been down there for hours Locked up In the basement doing big church stuff Hey, hey, One of us go peek in and see what’s up Tell them the kids want to go home

But on the drive home that evening Turns out it’s more serious than I thought “Don’t tell any of your friends about this, But the pastor has turned against God”

So is God really out there? If so, does he even care For the little humans Who sing songs and collect tithes?

‘Cause what if the adults lied? What if faith is a money-making ploy?

As the months went afterwards, It’s either submit or to hell with you When he who preaches to be set apart Enthrones himself at the front altar

So if there’s a heaven somewhere And souls in need of rescue Why does it only matter If it sounds good on the surface?

‘Cause why is it falling apart? Why do we pray as if we hope God won’t know?

Battle lines drawn, let’s see who Can recite it best from memory The winner is the one with More followers than Jesus himself

Hey kid, what do you know? Go back to sitting in Sunday school

So is God really out there? If so, can he hear me? Is there even a reason For me to hope he can

‘Cause what if it’s for nothing? What if we’re on our own?

“We won’t return next week” Will we visit again? The world is upside down I want to see my friends again

They said yes, in a few months But I already knew that’s a lie as well

escapril day 24: liar, liar