Ad Victoriam

HI. You can call me Alex, and I'm here to rule the world (and thensome). Or, at least, think about what I'd do if I did. For now, I'll just indulge my love of fandom shitposts and puns. Have fun, kid.

[yournewemperor-alex]

So I Just Started Watching the Pokemon XYZ Anime...

This is the first time I’ve watched the anime since my younger days, and my expectations, admittedly, have been exceeded. Currently, I’m 2.5 episodes in and I have compiled a list of things that I am surprised/pleased about here.

-Team Flare is actually threatening, unlike in the games -Squishy -A Nurse Joy that isn’t a soulless alien/robot/clone/product of binary fission -Squishy -Zygarde stuff -Characters that are more than just one-sided -Squishy -Bonnie -Squishy -Team Rocket has a new intro and their lyrics change apparently??? -Did I mention Squishy? -Prof. Sycamore is cool

-Squishy.

[yournewemperor-alex]

Every tumblr user: despite the fact that no one views or cares about my blog, I'll continue to spend the majority of my life updating it.

[nearlywitchesdemo]

1. change all the e’s in your url to “3” 2. change all the o’s in your url to “0” 3. change all the i’s in your url to “1” 4. add some dashes everywhere 5. put “Xx_” and “_xX” at the beginning and end 6. your new emo chat forum url

[nick-mess]

thanks for the tutorial now i can be more emo

[nearlywitchesdemo]

im actually dead because people are legit changing their urls to this omg

[yournewemperor-alex]

it reminds me of XBOX Live

[timeaway]

What the fuck are people doing when they’re in the shower for 30 minutes

[podencos]

Dissociating

[justaminorthreat]

Having an existential crisis.

[vohugaona]

All of the above + singing.

[mgodp]

Rehearsing for conversations I’ll never have. 

[witchkriege]

imagining scenarios that will never happen

[badluckbadger]

crying

[acreaturecalledgreed]

water warm

feels nice

[relentlessandimperfect]

Literally all of these

[yournewemperor-alex]

sleeping

[katesnewshittyblog-deactivated2]

i kept a meme folder all year and i just fuckin threw it into a photoshop file. this is the outcome.

[sneakyfeets]

The fuck is the Walnut one

[yournewemperor-alex]

art

[gaycentipede-blog]

platonic “i love you”s are pure and need to be protected reblog if you agree

[luxio]

what if instead of gender we all had pokemon types

[orchardsimian]

Tag urself im fairy and/or fairy/electric

[me----irl]

Reblog if you’d be okay if your friend came out as transgender

[punsandonlypuns]

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

[simplyonehellofashipper-blog]

The broom was the one that really swept the nation

[punsandonlypuns]

I feel like the pitch fork had a stab at being goo but in the end most people found it pointless

[sunnyshine100and1-blog]

I forgot what the peice of meat that starts with a P is called. I think it comes from a pig

[dying-draconian-deactivated2016]

Porg?

[dying-draconian-deactivated2016]

Wait fuck it’s pagen

[rightcat-wrongcat]

its proek you nerds

[yournewemperor-alex]

it’s pirk, right?

[vroomvroomvroombeepbeep-blog]

Reasons to become a Role Player:

[actual-knight-dave-strider-blog]

1.) Improve grammar, details, and spelling

2.) Meet awesome people

3.) Allow your creative side to come out

4.) PUT YOUR CHARACTER THROUGH EMOTIONAL TRAUMA FOR YOUR OWN SICK AMUSEMENT

[mooserattler]

Reblog this picture of me holding a Family Size box of Honey Nut Cheerios? I’d really appreciate it.

[moonblossom]

How can I say no to such a great photo and such a polite request?

[allthelittlebeagles]

i will always support this post

[freshrosemary-deactivated202303]

@mooserattler back on my dash!

[jjflow]

Why isn’t this at a million notes, yet, Dante???

[mooserattler]

I’m not sure. Hey lovely people who have taken me over half way to a cool million! If you’d like to reblog again, I’d love that, if not, I still love you, and hope you’re having a great day. I’m gonna go do some stand up tonight.

[yournewemperor-alex]

750k+

it continues

[yournewemperor-alex]

I have achieved a new level of laziness

so I was tired and I wanted to sleep but I got bored and tired of waiting to fall asleep and I procrstinated and now it’s 8 and I haven’t slept at all it’s nearly been 24 hours straight ahahahahahaaaa

[no-chill-at-all]

[black-rogue]

These insults give me life

[darkalleysunflower]

mangled apricot hellbeast

[yournewemperor-alex]

These bring a tear to my eye. Simply poetry.

[rremade-deactivated20200719]

also

[dying-draconian-deactivated2016]

@rightcat-wrongcat

[yournewemperor-alex]

what is this

[thoodleoo]

date a boy who:

has imperium

has a long line of ancestors in the senate

strives to become a pater patriae

would destroy carthage

follows the mos maiorum in everything he does

makes regular sacrifices to all the appropriate gods

would never wear pants like a persian or gallic barbarian

does not act more like a greek than a roman

obeys the luxury laws and does not indulge in extravagance

would sacrifice himself for the good of the republic

opposes the efforts of men like the gracchi to upset the balance in rome

is willing to make the effort to invade other countries so that they too can experience the civility and wonder of rome

[rainyohead]

doesn’t give extravagant funerals to young women

will speak out against gauls in the senate

makes strong amicitia

follows the lex villia annalis

refrains from using the Tribunate to get bills passed through the tribal assembly

gathered men for the social war

reads Virgil’s Aeneid to become a better roman hero and see the faults of the Homeric heroes

isn’t afraid of the Parthians

[citizen-zero]

So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.

Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.

If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.

Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.

Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.

Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.

Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.

MATH NERD VAMPIRES

[an-aura-about-you]

If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.