Just thinking about reader who loves Simon
(CW: mentions of death, childhood neglect)
She’d barely loved before, never been loved before either. Starting with a father who hated her and a mother too busy surviving him, she didn’t find love later in life either. She was always bullied or the replaceable, unexciting one in the group. Even her friends might not have mistreated her, but they reciprocated her overflowing devotion with disinterest or pity at best.
She might as well go to the army. None better to die for their country than someone no one will miss. She kept to herself mostly; there wasn’t any point in exhausting herself with people who would never care.
Somehow, amidst dozens of others, though, Simon noticed her. Maybe it was some sort of magnet, joining two souls who didn’t say much, who hid in their shells. He’d come sit next to her. He’d speak a sentence or two of small talk. Occasionally, he’d give her his portion of a cookie or apple. She ignored him. Once, she lost her cool and snapped at him to fuck off instead of toying with her emotions. She had no energy left to let herself be hurt again. Simon seemed to understand. He’d back away, but unlike what she expected, it was always to give her space, not to abandon her. After a day or two, he’d be back.
She loved him before she even became acquaintances. It crept up on her, soft and sweet. It was like being blindsided by summer. One minute, she was barely surviving a blizzard. Frigid winds around her flayed her to the bone and froze her frail heart. The next, she was consumed by the blazing passion of a love so warm it brought her to life.
She was wise enough to know better. Years had taught her cynicism addressed as common sense. Which is why it bewildered her that she never truly saw Simon’s love for Johnny coming. She’d observed all the signs, of course. She was a soldier, and a good one at that. It didn’t take a genius to see that Simon talked and laughed more with his teammate than anyone else. But there was other evidence her brain gathered no matter how much she tried to turn a blind eye.
She noticed the way Simon’s gaze lingered on Johnny and the way Johnny’s lingered back. She saw the way they’d sit close and brush against each other— innocent to a clueless eye. She observed the subtle way Simon’s entire body bloomed like a flower before sunlight when Johnny was around. She somehow caught Simon leaving Johnny’s room. Her breath caught when she realized Simon pulling his mask on outside the door meant he’d let Soap see his real face— something he wouldn’t let anyone else do.
But her own longing for him had blinded her to that final conclusion, the slotting of the puzzle pieces together. It was easy to persuade herself that Simon’s kindness meant he loved her in that way. Her affection-starved heart was so easy to persuade that maybe something good was finally happening to her. She hadn’t accepted the truth. Rather the truth had slammed itself on her like a tsunami.
It happened right before a mission. She’d gone to secure her equipment, and she walked in on Johnny and Simon. Their lips met in a tender kiss, and their arms clung to each other in case it was their last. “I love you,” Simon whispered. And her world was devastated. Her ears were ringing, her eyes a blur. Her head pounded while her heart was charged with agony like she’d never felt before. She stumbled out too far gone to hear Johnny whisper his love back.
She had two choices. Her or Johnny. Johnny or her. The mission had gone wrong… drastically. Johnny didn’t know he’d stepped on a mine while downloading files. All he knew was that time was ticking, and the enemy was closing in. She stepped a bit too close. She could feel the trigger plate under her feet, and that mattered more than the slightly judgmental look Soap gave her.
“Why don’t you start heading out? I’ll wipe the computer and be right behind you.” Her voice was shaky, barely more than a whisper. Soap didn’t think odd of it. “Sure, lass. Don’t take too long, eh?” He patted her gently on the head. Her heart bled a little. How she wished she could hate him!
Soap left her behind so easily. But she told herself to be grateful. Simon’s affection would have soured into hatred if she was the one who made it out alive. And maybe it would be easier for him to look back fondly at her if Johnny wasn’t eaten up knowing she’d given her life for his mistake.
She wanted to tell Soap so many things as he disappeared out of sight. She wanted to tell him she wished he were dead. She wanted to tell him she wanted Simon to know she loved him. She wanted to tell him she wished them well, that they’d share the love she’d longed for, that it would grow into love she couldn’t even dream of. But it was imperative Johnny didn’t know. Simon would— she knew him well enough to be sure he’d figure it out. But maybe that would make him love her a bit more. And that had to be enough for her.
So she closed her eyes and stepped off the trigger plate with the whisper of Simon’s name on her lips.


















